Today I feel very uneasy. It's one more day to the six week CT scan of which I will find out results next Wednesday. One more Sarcoma friend dropped out of the brivanib trial last week due to growth and when this happens, I over empathize. I feel disappointment, anger, frustration, fear, and insecurity. I've invested 18 weeks into Brivanib and I want to see success for me, for everyone on the drug and for the Sarcoma Community in general. Any failure of treatment, any death, is unacceptable to me and I want it to stop DAMMIT! NOW! Billions and billions and billions of dollars spent on the "War on Cancer" and we will more than likely have a man walk on Mars before we figure out how to kill a cell. I know eventually, I will be looking for another trial or will have surgery. I started discussing the next steps with my Oncologist 3 weeks ago. But, as I'm not officially out of this trial yet, it was just a "what if" discussion. Sometimes, I wonder if this was the best course. Maybe I should have gone to a surgeon right off the bat but, I am helping Science and I am helping the Sarcoma community by testing this drug and Lord knows I'm still strong and healthy and like Elsa, can contribute something to posterity by being a pioneer in new therapies. Lord knows Sarcoma patients need them. So onward despite some fears and trepidation and I'll pretend I'm Lewis and Clark on a perilous but rewarding journey navigating unknown territory. They survived and surviving is something I'm good at.
It was a long night last night. I worked my second job and was home shortly after 11. My son was still up worried because one of his friends ran away from home and he was on the phone with the boys parents and the police trying to help them determine where his friend had gone. As I was not quite done with the workload from the first job, I stayed up with him working while he stayed up pacing. When we received no word by 1am, I sent him to sleep and he woke up this morning sick as a dog. His missing friend is fine. He called this afternoon to let him know he is OK. My son didn't fare as well and seems to have come down with the headache, fever, fatigue and crabbiness that I had on my most recent nickel and dime day.
Today, I finally got to the grocery store and just in time. My fridge is vacant and the kids didn't have much to make their lunches with. After I finished checking out and was about to pay, a lady behind me handed me a coupon for $10 off the purchase. This seemingly insignificant action has HUGE HUGE significance for me. As I've alluded to, I work at a retail store as a cashier on the weekends. This store accepts coupons and I am a coupon clipper. Every week, I clip the coupons out of the Sunday paper and whatever internet coupons I can find. But as I do not use ALL the coupons in the paper, I clip them out anyway and I bring them to work with me and use them on my customers. It's only a dollar or two but it seems to brighten days especially amongst those on food stamps and with small kids in tow. This was a gift and I felt it was a small sign that the universe hears me and Someone is watching over me after all.