Grace (Brivanib - Week 18)

Grace is the only word I can think of that summarizes today.

Today marks the 18th week of the Brivanib trial and another journey downtown to find out recent scan results and receive another two bottles of either Brivanib or Placebo. As I'm 99% sure I am not on the Brivanib due to the absence of light headedness, fatigue and thirst, I was not sure which way I wanted the results to go. 6 more weeks on placebo means nothing grew. A return to Brivanib means that things did grow. As I was markedly nervous, I was trying to self talk myself into seeing the positive side of both scenarios. If things grew and I was on placebo, I would return to a drug that I knew was working. But what if things were now really far gone? What if that pain in between my shoulder blades wasn't due to sitting in my office chair 12 hours a day and then hauling bottled water and 40lb bags of dog food on the weekends? What if it was really due to ....CANCER! After scaring myself for 40 miles, I felt like I was taking the Kobayashi Maru After a short jaunt to Infusion Therapy for bloodwork and vitals (BP and heart rate were elevated due to scanxiety) and a 90 minute wait in the Dr.'s office, my Dr. entered the room with my file and said "So, you're sure you're taking the placebo?" "Absolutely!" I said, "That is definitely not the Brivanib. I feel no side effects at all." "Well" he said "The reason I'm asking is because there is absolutely no change from the last scan. They are interchangeable. Nothing new. Nothing grew." I was stunned... stability for 6 weeks without the study drug!!! Now, I am aware that the file hasn't been opened and I don't know for 100% sure that I am not on the Brivanib but unless my body figured out in one day how to tolerate the Brivanib with absolutely NO side effects, I'm on the posers. I have been managing my disease with nothing but a nutritional protocol. My Dr. told me whatever it is I'm doing to keep doing it and that he'd see me in 3 weeks. WOW WOW WOW!! I said thank you to GOD over and over and over. Grace. Pure Grace today and all that juicing and drinking green stuff, all those salads, fresh fruits and grains on top of all those Omega 3 fatty acids, may be working. So now I have a new what if. What if all those tumors are TERMINATED! What if I kept coming at them until they were DEAD DEAD DEAD! Or what if, I just got lucky. Whatever it is, I am taking it and I'm running with it and I'm adding more prayer and more green juice! Here's to you Sarcoma fighters!! The next round of grapes and spinach salads is on me. Thank you, God!

Tomorrow is my eldest girls 8th grade dance. I think it's time to take that digital camera that is still sitting in a box in my closet, out for a photo shoot. Her 8th grade year is coming to a close and though she is excited, she is sad too. The next phase of her life begins in Fall. In two years my oldest child, my son, will be 18. How quickly the time flew. As they grow, I want more and more to have the power to stop time. The moments they are going to be with me are growing fewer and fewer and whereas I am hopeful for their future, there's a part of me that doesn't want to give up the current mother role of caretaker. Our relationship will change more than it already has. I'm no longer mommy. I'm "Oh MOther" or "GEEZ MOM!" or "ALRIGHT I WILL ALREADY, MOM!" or "I KNOW MOM!!" As a mother, I am conscious of the precious moments. As a cancer patient, I am aware that I no longer have the luxury of believing I have all the time in the world. The lesson of the last 6 weeks is that I spent too much time in the what if's. I was researching new trials before I was even done with this one. I forgot that to enjoy my kids, my life and all its challenges, I really need to stay in this one moment, this "RIGHT NOW" as much as I can and avoid living in tomorrow or next year and in too many what if's.