Jan 14 is a relatively innocuous day. It's not a holiday or a presidents birthday. It's not usually a day off of school and is a day that generally goes unnoticed, a normal work day or school day. For me it was the day I started the Brivanib trial at the University of Chicago. I guess it was a kind of birthday for me, an entrance, a beginning. One year ago today, I was officially back in treatment. "Back in treatment" as if the first time wasn't enough.. The first time, there was a definitive ending. This time, there isn't. It ends when the nodules go away and disappear. How long will that take? weeks, months, years, never. It's anyone's guess. One year ago today, I couldn't even fathom what Jan 14, 2010 would be like or even IF there would be a Jan 14, 2010. Cancer patients cannot usually look farther than the next scan. Some patients can't look farther than the next day. We have lost the novelty of using such wonderful terms such as "Next year" or "Next anything". We battle on and try to live normally, ever conscience of the bombs going off. The disease is a reminder to make as much of time as possible and here I am one year later, happy that I've been granted the ability to talk about "last year". On Jan 14, 2009, I met Cathy, a group leader for Gilda's Club, a cancer support group that meets on Wednesdays. I had stumbled upon the group while looking for a comfy chair to park myself and read in between blood draws. (Cancer patients have learned not to go anywhere without a book, knitting or a magazine) After a discussion about healing, I had made mention of how far from the mark I am. Cathy had said "Sometimes, when you're in the Labyrinth, it may seem as if you are closest to the exit and it is usually then that you are really the farthest away and vice versa." Never give up hope. In the labyrinth of life, while caught deep in the puzzle of it all, you may find a point where you think that you are farthest away from the exit but really what you may have found is a vision of the clearest and most direct path out. I'm not sure I have reached that point yet. I see no clear exit from cancer. I'm not sure it even exists. But, what I have gotten a vision of after one year on this trial, is a different path out, a different vision of what OUT is. OUT for me may never be a complete remission but rather a different perspective or point of view. OUT, is finding my dreams and finding a way to live them....
One of my dreams is finding my way to Jan 14, 2011 and once again discussing "last year".
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4 comments:
And I have every faith that you will be discussing it.
Yup, I agree with Kristine completely!! Hugs!
Well, Kath, you have again described so eloquently the course of a cancer journey. It is filled with many twists and turns and certainly a myriad of unknowns. But within it also are times of such clarity, wisdom, hope, determination, faith, and perseverance that the journey often provides more gifts than fears or worries.
In many ways, it's because of people like you who forge through the brush and thistle that future cancer patients will find their way more easily, more clearly, with more promise and less unknowns.
I look forward to traveling this path with you this year, and I look forward to next year and to hearing how you have filed the experience.
Oh, and as for meeting for coffee or something else, I would love it. I don't usually rent a car when staying downtown near the hospital, but we can always work something out if we put our heads together. I am due back in Chicago in mid to late April. Are you free? :-) You know, between your day job and your night job and college classes and your three children?
January 14 is Lydia's birthday, too---that is, her real I-gave-birth-on-that-day birthday. And she found Gilda's Club in New York this summer and it has been great for her, for different reasons.
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