Emily.

Today, for the first time all year, I am not scheduled at Big Box Mart on a Saturday. I didn't ask for the day off but I'm not upset I'm not there today. Whereas I really need the hours, I also really need to clean. We never picked up much after New Years Eve and the house looks like we've had several more parties since then. Anticipating that I would get to sleep in, I settled in for a long winters nap and was awakened at 6:30am by Emily who pulled all the covers off me in an attempt to wake me up. Em is offended when she is up and no one else is and does her darndest to rectify the situation whenever she can. After I set her straight, I rolled over and closed my eyes and when I was just about to doze off, I heard a huge crash in the kitchen. One of my kittens crawled into the cupboard and knocked over the backup fishbowl. Gave up. Sleep is just not in the cards today. I guess it's just as well. It's going to take hours to find my house again which is why I'm sitting here on my computer planning how I'm going to attack the dirt, plotting the demise of dinge. It's a fine life! IF Emily remains a good girl today, she and I will go to Walmart and spend some of her Christmas money and then we will go see Alvin and the Chipmunks, her reward for being somewhat good this week. I have learned that with Emily, "being good" is a term that is relative. What is "Being good" for Cassie or Kris is not necessarily attainable for Emily so if she exhibits some sort of self retraint. If she does what I tell her to do after I tell her 3 times instead of the usual 50 over two days, that's being good. If she goes 10 minutes without being purposefully irritating and annoying, that's being good. If she is able to sit at a table and eat for 5 minutes instead of the usual never, that is being good. My daughter, Cassie, who is a black and white thinker, does not understand that shades of gray exist and insists that I hold Emily to the same standards I hold her. It's impossible to explain to a 15 year old, the nuances of raising a behaviorally disordered child. Emily is a real teaching tool. She is my daughter but she is a living, breathing, teachable moment. Active, smart, funny, and interesting, there is never a dull moment with her. But on the other side of the coin, the child has a gift. She could rouse up and annoy a Saint in five minutes or less. There are days when I count down the hours before her "father" comes to pick her up and take her for a weekend and I breathe a huge sigh of relief that there is now some peace and quiet. There are weeks her behavior has us so on edge, we yell and scream at eachother because we live in endless frustration that Emily lives outside of the rules of proper behavior and decorum and cares nothing about consequences. She challenges every fiber of my being. She tests me every day and there are days, I flunk BIG TIME and lose my cool and scream at her. She's like an annoying mosquito and it feels good to swat sometimes. But, she challenges me to be patient. She challenges me to look at her little successes because they are really GREAT BIG successes. Over the Summer, a family moved next door with 4 kids, one Emily's age and is in Emily's class. They formed a fast friendship and Em loves going over there but, I learned very fast that Emily cannot handle all that stimulation for long and an hour is about all she can handle before she starts to act out. A couple months ago, Emily was sent home and told not to come back for awhile. Of course, Em lied about what occurred, but from what I could gather, she and her friend got into a fight and Emily punched her. I felt hugely embarrassed. But I was also devastated for Emily, for losing her friend. I worried that all her friendships from here on out would be tainted with this strife and that my daughter, who has such miniscule self control, will spend much time alone or be the class outcast. Growing up is hard. For Emily, it will be harder. We had a discussion about hitting and punching and kicking. It sunk in part of the way, she doesn't hit her friend anymore, she hits her sister and brother though, often. I guess that's progress. Emily's working diagnosis is ADHD and ODD. ODD stands for Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a clinical version of "My child doesn't listen." No child listens but most children care when things are taken away or thrown away. Not Emily. Doesn't care a lick.
So my living, breathing, teachable moment, challenges me to be UBER patient, watch my mouth which is hard for me because I have a big one, delight in the little things, find some routine and order in my house when I have a child whose middle name may as well be CHAOS, gain control of me, and teach her. It's a hard, hard thing to do when you have 2 jobs, 2 other kids, and no real time support. Nevertheless, Emily earned a trip to the movie today. We've been working on this for two months now and she finally did it. They tell me it gets easier. I just can't wait!

On another note, my CNA class has ended though there is one final clinical tomorrow. This first phase of my get into Nursing school plan has successfully been completed or will officially when I take the state certification on Feb 11. The second phase is now about to start. Anatomy....that class that has remained closed and locked tight, is finally on my schedule. I was absolutely obsessive about checking the college website for an opening. On Tuesday, I noticed that classes had begun to open up that had previously been closed. As I need to take an entrance exam that includes Biology and Chemistry and Physics, I decided it might be wise to beef up my knowledge. I signed up for previously closed Bio 101 on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 4:00pm. Two slots had opened up for certain sections of Anatomy, one at a time I absolutely could not take it and one other on a time I might have been able to manage with some planning. As I hit the register button, I received an error that the class is closed. Someone beat me to it. But that was not a tragedy in the least. Yesterday, I was able to register for one of the sections I had hoped for. The class meets on Monday and Wednesday night from 6-7:10 on Mondays and 6-9:05 on Wednesdays. PERFECT!! Doesn't interfere with Ma Bell. Doesn't interfere with my Big Box Mart schedule and is nearby so I'll be home fairly early and will be alert enough to review. Sometimes, I think this path is blessed. I've gotten everything I wanted and prayed for and for that I am thankful beyond words and humbled.
Now, I'm off to battle the bilge...