Today has been one of those feel sorry for myself days. Though I try not to spend too much time engaging in self pity, every now and then I fail. Yesterdays results indicated that the Brivanib was doing exactly what it is supposed to do, slowing or stopping the growth of the tumors. Nevertheless, I felt some disappointment. I didn't want to hear that the tumors were stable. I wanted to hear that they were shrinking or better yet, that they are gone! I'm exactly in the same place that I was 6 months ago. After my surgery in 2006, I had a feeling that even though the tumor in my thigh was gone, the war wasn't over and with each passing Dr. appt, with each MRI and with each CT scan, I knew it never really would be. I knew that my life as I knew it was over and it was forever changed from here on out. I would never again be able to say "Next year" or "Next Christmas" without wondering if I was thinking too far ahead. I wondered if I should take a 5 year car loan, fix up the house, keep socking money in my IRA or plan a vacation to Disney when Emily is older. I still wonder those things. So here I am almost 3 years later, still fighting Sarcoma which took a short jaunt from my thigh to my lungs. I changed my diet. I changed my lifestyle. Perhaps those things have helped keep me stable but what is going to send me finally 100% in remission? Will I always be dealing with this day in day out, year after year after year? I feel at times as if I'm living with a loaded gun pointed at my head every day and I'm playing some celestial version of Russian Roulette. To make matters worse, I am 99.9% sure that I got the placebo. I'm being a good sport and taking my poser pills but I'm less than thrilled that after making the little progress that I did, I risk taking steps backward for the next 6 weeks. For the first time in a long time, I felt scared. I have been researching graduate programs. Provided, I am only looking into some programs at this point. I have not signed on the dotted line. I worry that if I start going for my Masters degree, that I will not be able to finish. I wonder if I'll ever work my way through this wonderful mound of debt I've incurred and be able to quit the second job and start enjoying my weekends again. Overall, my frustration level is high. But, I continue on and try to make the life I have right now, chock full of problems as it is, as enjoyable as possible. I am hoping that one day, medical science will find the magic bullet for cancer and I can sit as an 80 year old woman and talk to my great grandchildren about that time in the way distant past, when cancer was not curable, when we hoped for "Progression free survival".
Tomorrow will be another day. I AM going to wake up without the veil of self pity floating over my head and make the most of it. But I am praying for the day when I can celebrate a REMISSION... but in the meantime, I'll take the STABILITY.