Monday, April 20, 2009

In Just Spring...

"when the world is mudpuddle wonderful" writes EE Cummings. How about snow fall depressing? After one glorious, beautiful, day on Saturday, we are now expecting snow. I worked in the lawn and garden center on Saturday and sold much mulch and fresh flowers. I am hoping that my customers are waiting to plant them.

I am now going on 2 weeks on the placebo, experiencing no side effects whatsoever from the pills I am taking. Sometimes, I wonder what's the use? Why am I bothering to take 30 seconds out of my day to take these pills when I know they are doing nothing? Answer. Because this is what I signed on for and knew that this was a possibility when I signed the study papers. I try never to use the words "I promise" unless I truly intend to keep the promise. So, I am trying to make the most of this and am beefing up my nutrition. It's not easy living each day knowing that there are tumors there and it's not easy knowing that I am on suspended treatment. The What If's cloud my brain. What if more show up? What if the biggest gets too big? Sometimes, I feel such fear and I self talk to bring myself down to Earth. Despite the fact that these nodules showed up two years ago, I'm still here. It took the largest nodule over two years to grow 1cm. I'm in the same place I was in October, maybe even better off than I was 6 months ago. I feel absolutely fantastic! Since being off the Brivanib, I have enjoyed a return of ENERGY! Since I felt fine on the pills, I was not conscious of the fact that I was starting to feel more fatigue as time went on. I also JUST realized that I experienced very slight shortness of breath. Sometimes, it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I don't have those feelings anymore. So, while I wait to see what the next scan will bring, I am going to enjoy the lack of side effects and explore some interesting recipes that jive with my anti-cancer diet. I found a great website for whole grain salad recipes and have increased the variety of veggies I eat. I did find it hard to resist the chocolate temptation of Easter and decided that for one day I wasn't going to try. YUM to Cadbury Caramel eggs! Cancer patients must find something to enjoy every day, we are after all, living.

My daughter will be graduating from the 8th grade this year and she has been talking about this graduation since she moved from the 6th grade class to the 7th grade. When I was a child, we had a 6th grade "graduation." She had a "Rite of passage" ceremony at school with a little pomp and circumstance. Since then, she has been planning and dreaming about this next step, dressing in a graduation gown, walking across the stage, receiving her diploma and getting a little applause for all her hard work from her adoring family. More important than the ceremony is the annual 8th grade dance. Her entire social world has revolved around preparations for this event since January. She has been on websites researching dresses, hair styles, shoes, and accessories and has been bugging me daily to take her for her new dress. Finally, this past Friday, I took her to the Mall armed with my credit cards, to spend glorious money I do not have, to make sure she moves from the 8th grade to the 9th grade in STYLE! I am not a shopper. I'm one of 3 women in the US who would rather shovel manure than go to a mall. I hate it that much but I'm lucky I have a child who knows her own mind. As she had a gift card for Penny's, we started there. Penny's is great for small children and adults but they got a big F from Cassie in appealing to teenagers sense of style. She crinkled her nose at EVERY dress in the place and was so upset, that she called a friend to complain. When she got off the phone, she told me her friends got their dresses at DEB. When I suggested we go there then, I ate her dust all the way out the door. I shopped at DEB when I was her age and I have to admit, the dresses there were very cute. I tried not to be mindful of the fact that I probably would not be able to fit one leg into the largest dress. They get an F for matronly styles for women who had three kids and are dealing with middle age spread. It took her all of 10 minutes to choose 5 dresses off the racks she kind of liked and tried them all on, one blue, one purple, one orange and two yellow, all spaghetti strapped, slightly below the knee with full skirts and a slightly plunging neckline but they were all tasteful and Cassie is such a wisp of a thing, everything fits her. It came down to purple and one of the yellow dresses. Cassie has a darker complexion and big hazel eyes. Though the style looked good on her, she looked jaundiced in it. Ultimately, she chose the purple dress and could hardly contain her excitement. I bought her a necklace and matching earrings and some silver open toed shoes. Now she's heckling me for styling mousse and a strapless bra. The dance is a month away. The graduation ceremony is 6 weeks away but we must have this all NOW NOW NOW. (Side note: Her graduation party will be Sat, June 6. Save the date. The more the merrier, just tell me you are coming.)
Her dress is posted on her Facebook page if anyone on my Facebook is really interested in seeing it. It was supposed to be this big huge secret because she is trying to outdo her friend and did not want her friend to see the dress. All of this was not for a cute 14 year old boy. This was all to show up her friend Angela. Go figure!

My stove is broken. I am just beside myself here trying to figure out where the money is going to come from for a new one. Provided the burners work and I am able to cook food on the stove top and I do have a crock pot, it's still difficult to try and find different recipes that don't involve actually roasting and baking. It's one thing to pull the credit card out for 150 bux. It's another for a thousand dollar committment when I am so tapped already. I keep wondering how in the world I started getting behind and so I looked over my monthly bills.
1) 20 dollars more a month for electricity.
2) Increased local sales tax rate to 10.25%!!
3) Increased property tax rate despite the housing crunch. My property taxes have gone up 600 dollars this past year.
4) 40 dollars more monthly for natural gas
5) Cancer treatment: $10 for parking. More for gas. More out of pocket cost as I have high deductible insurance. I, of course, chose this as opposed to the cheaper plan. The cheaper plan didn't work for me. I hate HMO's!! A terribly conceived idea brought compliments of the government. This on top of glasses for Cassie, school physicals, ADHD treatment for Emily in the form of meds, behavioral therapists and psychiatric monitoring.
6) Increased fees for the kids education, It will cost me close to $1000 in fees for both my children in high school this year between band uniform rental, band trips, food, gym clothes, school lunches, supplies, consumables and other misc things that come up. Emily is entering the fray so there will be consumables for her too plus field trips, parties, etc. etc.
7) State Income tax for my bracket will be doubled in 2010.
8) 5 dollar increase in the cost of garbage pick up monthly.
9) My grocery bill as food prices go up.
10) My frustration level as it is becoming more and more and more difficult to shave off the budget and then watch my checking account go into overdraft every friggen month.

What stayed the same? My salary

What decreased?
Child support as my ex lost his job.
My bonus.
My hours at Big Box Mart.
My personal savings.
My equity
My sanity

Where is there to go for financial help? Does anyone know?

1 comment:

Belly Dancer said...

What's wrong with the stove? Are you sure it's not something an appliance repair man couldn't fix?