Some say TGIF but I am just not feeling very festive today. Yesterday, was my scan. The results will either allow me to stay in the trial or they will indicate that the treatment isn't working. I received a phone call that the results were in from my local Oncologist who I'm not sure I like too much. Well, I mean he's an OK guy but he left a bad taste in my mouth. The day I sat in his office to receive the results of my lung biopsy was not exactly a happy day. I had just been told that secondary tumors were in my lung. Approximately 4 were measurable. 5 were as tiny as grains of sand and all around the Pleura. He came into the office and handed me a piece of paper with a name. Here you go! He's a specialist. He'll know what to do with you. You need some sort of chemo. I asked to see the biopsy and CT results. I had questions. I was in shock. I was scared. He told me he had other patients to see. If I wanted to see the records talk to the desk. Have a nice day! Good luck pursuing treatment! So, today the phone rings from his office. "We have your scan results. Dr. Y wants to know what he's supposed to do with them. Do you need to come in?" I told her that I don't need an appt. I'm being seen elsewhere. And for some reason after I hung up the phone, all the feelings of the day I received my lung biopsy results came flooding back. I felt doomed and I'm fighting at this moment to feel any shred of positivity. To date, I've had 5 scans and a long biopsy. One of those scans showed stability and was the only GOOD news that I have received since May 5, 2006. I am fighting with a "Nothing goes right for me" mentality and though am trying hard to think positively regarding these results, I can't right now. Sucked into Cancer sucks mentality and a WHY ME mode, is not how I want to spend my day. I was up late finishing up work and then decided stupidly to play on Facebook until midnight. Emily woke me up 6 hours later and proceeded to engage in a morning long hissy fit. My attitude could be just a result of SHEEER TIREDNESS or maybe just deluding myself into thinking that changing my diet, my lifestyle and all the other changing is going to make a Hell's bit of difference with this disease. Maybe I've just been conditioned to expect the worst and I usually get it. STUPID CANCER!! STUPID CT SCAN!! STUPID IMAGING DEPT!! STUPID ONCOLOGIST!! STUPID NEEDLES! STUPID CONTRAST DYE!! STUPID BARIUM SULFATE!! STUPID DAMN CLINICAL TRIAL!!! STUPID BRIVANIB THAT BETTER WORK!
Just to be snarky, I didn't drink all the BARIUM! TAKE THAT, CT SCAN!!
Maybe I should just take my focus right now and instead of writing myself into despair, list some ways in which I am fortunate.
1) Physically, I feel great! I have no aches, pains, problems eating, sleeping, drinking, or doing any of my usual activities.
2) I have a JOB!
3) Right now, no toxic chemotherapy making me lose hair, lunch, appetite, immune system function, and blood counts
4) ummm...ok running out of ideas.... I have a car that runs, I can pay my mortgage (at least for now)
5) I have good friends and family.
6) I found a pair of clean white socks!