I really haven't felt much like writing. To be honest, I have been a little down in the dumps and have been trying to cure myself of some good old fashioned bad attitude. It happens to the best of us I suppose and I have been trying to snap out of it. As I expected, my mid year review did not result in happy conversation. All day in front of the computer working my big accounts, resulted in a boss who made it sound like I did nothing of value for 6 months. It's no secret that I have not enjoyed my job for a few years now. It's not the actual WORK that is the problem. It's the environment, the constant swinging axe, the work day that never seems to end, the devaluation, and the dead-endedness of it all. There is nowhere to go in this company anymore. Those of us who are left, sit in the same job, unable to advance anywhere because our company heavily offshores and my next step, my short term goal, is sitting in a Center in Europe. I started becoming frustrated and bored. Last year, I decided that it was time to get out of Information Technology and started the steps to return to school for my Masters. I began studying for the GRE, attended an info day at Benedictine University for a Masters in Clinical Psychology. My goal in life has little to do with money. I want some to pay the mortgage but if I never own a Mercedes, that's OK. If my house never gets any bigger that 1800 square feet, I can live with that. If I can never sail a yacht on Lake Michigan, I'll get by. I want a career that makes a difference to someone. Now, I just need to figure out how to achieve it.
This morning, I took my ducklings to church as it was one of those rare and wonderful occasions. I did not work at Big Box Mart. My youngest, Emily, was given the option to stay home. Last time, her behavior was pretty good but as she has ADHD and some oppositional defiant tendencies, I never want to push it. She opted to come along and I talked to her on the way to church and asked her to tell me how she should behave. She had packed some of her barbies to bring along, all naked of course, and she promised she would sit quietly and play. WEll that lasted 5 minutes. After the first reading, she jumped on my lap and said "I have to go potty." That is Emily's code word for "I'm bored and I don't want to sit." I told her to please sit down and remember what we talked about. After 5 minutes, she stood up and demanded she go potty, potty, potty, potty. I reached over to Cassie who was closest to the aisle and asked that she take her. Cassie gave me the "Oh my God mom" look of hers but did it and as I predicted, Emily produced two drops. WHen she returned the pew, she stuck her hands in my face and said "Don't they smell good?" She plopped herself on my lap and started singing really loudly. I told her to hold it down. She then grabbed her barbies and sang a little louder and held them up with both hands. I reminded her that she will be grounded from the park if she didn't cool it. She was ok for about a minute and then started changing seats, annoying the old woman next to her, talking really loudly, singing, griping she had to go potty again, and I took her out at that point while agreeing 100% with the old definition of stress. The church is attached to a school so I took her out the back into the hallway that leads to the classrooms. She ran around in circles, skipped, touched everything, wouldn't listen to a word I said, and I of course got THOSE looks. The looks from others I see every time I take Em out in public and she misbehaves. Those "What a horrible mother. Can't you control your child?" looks. I can hardly blame them. I used to do it myself until I had a child like Emily. Now, the only looks I flash those mothers are piteous looks that say "I understand what you are going through." The Usher standing by the door, did give me a little grin. Two children were being Baptized at this Mass. At one point, I wanted to take her to the Holy Water, bathe her and say "LEAVE HER!" But we stuck it out until the end while creepy Omen music coursed through my brain and Emily was not allowed to go to the park, have ice cream or play in her pool. I secretly hoped that no ice cream would excorcise the demon away. Next time, I think I'll just pay the 10 dollars to have a babysitter keep an eye on her. I guess, as my son once said after a Mass, "Jesus takes too long" for a girl with ADHD.