Monday, July 27, 2009

Thus ends Sarcoma Awareness Week. I tried to do my little bit and hopefully all our little bits will result in a largess. The re-entry into my mundane life has not been smooth. I enjoyed my time away just a little bit too much and now I feel out of step and dissatisfied. I've had trouble focusing and concentration on my job has been difficult. I have been struggling with major job DISSATISFACTION and guilt for feeling dissatisfied when I should be grateful but right now more than anything, I want to move into a career that makes an impact. Because my company is Outsourcing crazy and has moved many many jobs overseas, I work in an atmosphere that is extremely devaluing and I having trouble with that reality. I want to work in a career and a company where I mean something and can mean something to a customer or patient. Instead, I'm living under an axe and I have since 2004 when my company laid off 30,000 American workers and sent those jobs to Europe, China and the Philippines. Prior to vacation, I was working on a new, very large account for a major oil company that is based overseas and my job required ordering network equipment and upgrades. To make a long story short, all the ordering needed to be done manually, meaning I literally emailed purchase orders using Excel as opposed to having everything done nice and neatly in our various tools. This manual process added many nuances to this network solution and a lot of rework and a lot of late nights in front of the computer. I literally worked from sun up to sundown with little breaks during the day to take Emmie to daycare and pick her up, sometimes grocery shop or eat something but the 15 hours days were getting to me, coupled with being in treatment and driving back and forth to the U of C, dealing with scans, scanxiety, medicine side effects, uncertainty, an ADHD child with Oppositional Defiant tendencies who also needs Dr appt's and meds, an 8th grade graduation, a 16 year old, bills, bills, bills, and more bills, a messy house that can use some repairs, and a part time job to boot, I was more than happy to leave it all behind for 10 days and pretend it didn't exist. I was happy. I felt free and unburdened. And then I returned home and am right back where I started but with a better tan. I can hardly WAIT to see what my midyear review will hold for me but I'm expecting that I will not be happy with it and as I'm sitting here wondering why I bothered to put in so many hours, I can only hope that I did not waste my time. I have been feeling just a little burnt. To really add insult to injury, I had 3 Dr. appt's last week. One was for my girls. Both needed their school physicals and each were required to get at least 3 shots. Two appointments were for me. My trek to the U of C resulted in more disappointment. Apparently, I need one more scan. The three month scan schedule doesn't start until week 36, not week 24. I am resenting the script I have for the scan in a big way. In addition, due to a misunderstanding and miscommunication, I waited over two hours in the waiting room to find out that I need another scan. The Dr. and trial nurse thought that they had rescheduled my appt for next week and they left for the day. When the waiting room was empty and everyone had left for the day, a nurse asked me who I was waiting to see. After checking the computer and making a few phone calls, she had me talk to the trial nurse on the phone. BAH! That was 6 hours I can't get back. So, now that I'm done whining, I hope to have my attitude adjusted soon. In the meantime, I'm procrastinating making the scan appointment. Take THAT STUPID SCAN!!
On a positive note, the kids and I had a great time at the church picnic. We could not have had more beautiful weather. It was sunny. It was not humid. My kids had their fill of hamburgers, chips, soda, cotton candy, snow cones, rootbeer floats, and roasted corn on the cob and came home high on sugar and crippled with tummy aches. Emily was surprisingly well behaved in church. I was feeling brave as yesterday was the first time I have ever taken her. We sat towards the back so we could make a quick exit if we needed to but Emily sat and listened. She tried to sing the hymms and the psalms and it was so cute I couldn't help but smile. Perhaps Jesus calms her hyperactive little soul. Who knows? I took it and ran with it and made sure she knew how proud of her I was for sitting through it and rewarded her with the moonwalk. She loved it and was moonwalking pretty much all afternoon. Cassie was scoping guys. Kris was waiting to dunk the Pastor in the dunking booth and successfully completed his goal. It was all good and though the parish tried, our Pastor survived the dunking booth and was not drowned. All is well.

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