Please keep the families of these children in thoughts and prayers.

Vincent lost his battle with Rhabdomyosarcoma this month. This is the second child that this family has had to bury. You can read about him at the link to Annabella's Garden I have posted under links. This is a foundation established by his parents as they stab back at pediatric illnesses despite the loss of two of their children.

Gatlin lost his battle with Ewing's Sarcoma this month. Before Gatlin died, he organized a fundraiser for pediatric cancer research and raised almost 15,000 dollars and was featured on Fox News in New Mexico as well as in their local paper. Gatlin lived his life as fully as possible until the very end.
Gatlin

Ellie lost her battle with Rhabdomyosarcoma two days ago after a long and very courageous battle. Ellie leaves behind a twin and two of the most faith filled parents I have ever met. Lance Armstrong tweeted about Ellie. You can read about her at http://www.liftupellie.com/

Matthew lost his battle to HLH. Matthew lost his little brother Andrew to HLH a year ago. His parents have buried both their children in the span of a year but despite their grief, they fight for new treatments and therapies for this rare disorder and carry on with undying devotion and faith to God.

I am always struck by the strength and faith of these families. They have experienced the worst that life has to offer yet they still hope. They still dream. They still carry on. They teach and inspire and though I wish with all my heart that I never had to journey on in cancer, I can't help but be thankful that I have been shown and taught about life and death from this community. Too often in life, we get caught up in the "shoulds". Children should be playing and happy and be spoiled. Every child should have two parents. Every family should have 2.5 kids, a suburban mortgage and a faithful golden retriever. No parent should bury a child. No parent should have to deal with cancer when they still have young kids. We all should live to 88 and die in our sleep. Shoulds do not exist. There is no specific way life is supposed to be. "Shoulds" are something that humans create. They rarely reflect was truly is or what is truly important. They don't point to anything important. This past Tuesday, I watched the finale of "Saving Grace". I was not a regular watcher but I was interested in seeing how the series, which focused on a police officer that walked the line between good and evil, ended. God sends her an angel who emphasizes that God has a task he wants her to perform, that only she can do. Grace took three seasons to tell God she would do what He asked. What that task is, is to face evil. She does and she wins but how she wins requires her to perform the ultimate sacrifice for her fellow man. The critics stated that the show forgot to save Grace. There SHOULD have been a happy ending that resulted in the defeat of evil without a sacrifice. But there was a happy ending and Grace was indeed saved. It was a more spiritual definition of saved, not the human definition. With God, there is no life or death. There is only life. Death is a change of state, like a solid ice cube evaporating into a gas. It's still water no matter what form. And though I've met many families who have lost children, parents, sisters and brothers, those gone from this planet are still alive...alive in memory, alive in their writings, musings, grief, joys, and successes. How we face death, speaks volumes about how we face life. We should do it without a preconceived notion about what should be and just deal with what is.. It is a shame that the greatest teachers for such a lesson are the children.

Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there!!

What a difference a week can make. Slowly but surely all these little nickel and dime issues are being worked and resolved. The new stove and washing machine are up and running. The dishwasher is defunct but Cass and Kris work if you feed them. Emily was horrible for about a week but thankfully, her father had FINALLY put her on his plan. It only took him 4 years! She is medicated. COBRA thing is straightened out and it's affordable until December. After that...well, I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Unemployment is straightened out for now though I missed a day of class to tend to it and it turns out the class was not the issue. I am still scratching my head trying to figure out what the issue was exactly but whatever! I certified my benefits and will have to do it again in another week. The last things on the MUST GET DONE LIST, are brakes and oil change and find a job.
I got a call last week to interview for a 3rd shift dispatch position for a logistics company. I was excited about the interview but received a call at the last minute canceling the interview. The company decided they wanted candidates with dispatch experience. All they wanted was customer service experience at first. Then the rules changed. I was disappointed. But the very next day, I received a call from a company that I was HOPING and PRAYING would call me for an interview, AND THEY DID!! If I get the job, that would be wonderful and it would scratch a HUGE to do off my list. I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up but I am excited about this potential position. I'm trying a little visualization and sending my order out to the universe ala "The Secret" and we shall see what happens. It's a tech support position. MY FAVORITE! COME ON JOB!!!!!
I applied for a job at my old company in their customer service center. I have 3 years experience as a team leader in an inbound call center. As I met all the other criteria, I sent in my application. It took less than 45 minutes for them to send me a bong letter. "While you certainly meet the requirements, we are looking for candidates who more CLOSELY meet the requirements." HUH? "But.." the letter went on, "If we are lacking in qualified applicants, we will give you another look." Yes, I'm scratching my head a bit. I looked at my candidate profile today. It appears they are lacking in more closely meeting the requirement candidates because my application is now "under review."

Chemistry is going well. I am finding that I *gasp, ENJOY the class. I may change my mind after this first test but, the labs are fun. Maybe I just secretly like setting things on fire. I did a good job of accidentally setting on fire a beaker full of wooden sticks. Here's a lesson for all you novices out there. Make sure that after you do your flame tests, you double check to make sure that the fire is completely extinguished on the match before you put it in the waste container. Fortunately, I noticed the flames before we were evacuated. But a day in chem lab without flames is well, an oddity for me. I don't know why my teacher likes me. I've got this little black rain cloud, which may have come in handy on Thursday if it had actually rained, following me around. And, speaking of rain, we had a gully washer blast through here on Friday. Thanks Iowa! The storm came through at 75 mph and brought 90mph wind gusts with it. All 6 cats, 3 kids and I were downstairs. I had kerosene lamps, candles, flashlights and a change of clothing ready JUST IN CASE. When the first wind gust hit the window, my house shook, the lights went out, and the kids shouted an expletive because they didn't have time to save their WII game.. While I was fiddling with the candles, the lights came back on. Thank goodness! (This time I made sure the match was out. Good thinking huh?) The storm blew through in 30 minutes. WE ventured on back upstairs and life returned to normal for a time. Round two was scheduled to hit us around 9pm. As it was Friday, I had a shift at Walmart. When I got there, all the employees in my strip mall were standing outside. The store was pitch black. Power had been out to that side of the road since the first gust which knocked down a pole. I didn't complain. I sat down outside and chatted with my coworkers until the lights came on 90 minutes later. Hoards of people came running into the store when we reopened. I looked at the steady stream of people running in here like we were the last bastion on the planet for paper towels and expected big important things to cross my belt after all, the second storm was less than an hour away and it was just as red on the radar as the first. I looked for granny's heart meds, maybe some diapers for the baby or extension cords and flashlights for those who still didn't have power. I got none of that. My first order that night was little trees and soft soap. LITTLE TREES (car air freshener) AND SOFT SOAP???? That guy trampled over tons of people to buy LITTLE TREES????? This dude risked his life in cruddy weather so his car will smell mountain rain fresh??? God bless America! The subsequent orders were just like that. Hair dye. Doritos. Pepsi. Condoms (which I can ALMOST see), make up, perfume, and those stupid animal shaped rubber bands. When round two hit, the store looked like the NY stock exchange. Of course the power went out for a few minutes. When we got the lights back, the registers were having a very hard time getting back in action. I looked at a sea of angry faces and heard the same question "How long is it going to take?" over and over and over again. I wanted to say "I dunno. Weather fairy is not in my job description" but I simply stated that it took over 20 minutes for the registers to reboot the last time but it was difficult to tell and it was still storming outside with some very nasty lightning and wind. Some took their place in line and waited and I also watched a mass exodus of grumbly people who did not want to wait and then spent the night picking up and sorting abandoned carts. Good times! Good times!

So..there you have it. I have a nice tasting glass of red in my glass, a chemistry book that I really should be looking at and my blog right now. Back to the books!
oh yeah..scans are on Thursday.

Unemployment......the saga.

One week of unemployment and life has been .....irritating. I call these nickel and dime days because nothing has been life threatening just.....irritating.
Last weekend at the Mart was Hell. Friday night, I worked from 6pm-11pm non stop. After returning home at 11:30, I had a very hard time falling asleep and didn't drift off to dreamland until way past 1am. Four hours later, the alarm went off. I dragged my butt out of bed at 5am so I could be at work at 7 and it was of course, really busy all morning. I could not WAIT until lunch. After my hour lunch flew by, I reluctantly walked back to the front. One of my co-workers met me and "suggested" I head back to the break room and take cover. A fire in a transformer knocked out all the power. The store was on backup generator and only 3 registers in the entire store were functional. Hundreds of customers with carts full of everything from flowers to frozen foods were read to hang us in effigy. It was my job to collect all the abandoned carts, sort them and refer all the screaming customers to management so the customers could scream at them and management could tell them that there was nothing they could do about the power outage. Wal-mart is huge and powerful but we do not own our own electrical grid. We were down for almost 4 hours. The doors were locked and no lie, people were pressing their noses to the glass, screaming at management in anger as if we were not one of 5 Wal-Marts in a 10 mile radius but that's OK. Obviously for them, it was cathartic. Sunday was equally as hellish without the power outage. After lifting at least 200 48 packs of bottled water, 20lb bags of dog food and kitty litter, I was pooped when I left the store on Sunday and once home, I hit the couch and didn't move. Monday, it rained. It rained out our BBQ. Fine. Whatever. It was a great workout for the new stove. On Tuesday, I had a 504 meeting planned for Emily at her school at 3pm. I received a call from the U of C that I had an appointment scheduled with the Dr. at 1:30. OOOO! Not good! With the traffic, there was no way I was going to be able to make it to her school by 3. Called early to see if I could have the blood work done another time. "What if we got you out by 1:30" said the nurse. UGH! OK. I made the trek in. I sat in construction and horrible traffic and it took 90 minutes to get downtown. Of course there was a delay in the blood lab. I didn't get out by 1:30. I got stuck in the elevator and the valet took 30 minutes to get my car. At 2:20, I was finally on my way and sitting in traffic....a LOT of traffic. Traffic that translated to 2 hours to get from the downtown to Arlington Heights. I missed my meeting. I was annoyed. We rescheduled it for Wednesday at noon. Emily's kindergarten graduation was at 5. I made it home from the hospital at 4:20 and we had to be at school by 4:30. I raced in. Kristopher was not home. I was annoyed. We left without him. At 4:45, he called from somewhere. "You have until 5 to get to the school" I told him. After the graduation, I raced Emily to tee ball. While there, Cassie called to ask me to bring home hot dog buns. As it was 7:45 now and I had not been home since 11:45, I stopped off at the little Mexican tienda on the corner. They had 2 shelves full of hamburger buns but not a single hot dog bun. I went to dollar general next door. Nada. 7/11 had them for 3.50 but I didn't care about price anymore. I just wanted to go home. Wednesday, I woke up early and sat down at my laptop. It wouldn't boot up. GREAT!!! It was making a grinding noise before it stopped working all together. That makes one stove, one washing machine, one dishwasher and now one laptop on the fritz. Fortunately, the laptop is on warranty. After shuffling through piles and piles and piles of papers, I found the warranty info and of course, there was no 800 number. I called Tiger Direct, now COMP USA and was met by two confused employees. After being "disconnected" twice, I was given 800-comp-usa to contact. Whoever answered the phone was not the nicest and told me they had nothing to do with warranties and try whoever gave me the warranty in the first place which was Bankers with no 800 number. He did find me the 800 number and I called only to find myself in a huge VRU loop. The option that applied kept disconnecting me and when I tried other options, it referred me to option that kept disconnecting me. In absolute irritation, I kept pounding 0 which connected me to a person...finally and the technical equivalent to Nurse Ratchett answered the phone. I told her i believed that my laptop had a bad fan. It's not the first bad fan I had ever had so I recognized the symptoms. "Well, let's do some troubleshooting anyway" she said. "OK," I said, "but it's the fan." She wanted me to remove the battery. Try as I might, I couldn't get the battery out of the back of the laptop. "Maam, you're going to have to call me back. I have people waiting." LIKE HELL I AM!! This person was going to WAIT until I wrestled that DAMN battery out of the back of the laptop and if she so much as thought of disconnecting me after the problems I had getting to her in the first place, she had another thing coming. As she tapped her pencil, she said once more to get a neighbor to help me and call back. With a final pull, that battery finally came out. OK, she said. Power it down, remove the power cord, hold the power button for 40 secs and then plug it back in and boot up. Done, I said. "What does the screen say?" She asked. "Fan error!" HA! ....I'll get my laptop back in 3 weeks. In the meantime, I'm on the slow as molasses backup computer. I was annoyed. Yesterday, in the mail, I received a letter from the State of IL that they are not granting my unemployment benefits until I have a face to face meeting with them regarding my school schedule. The meeting is in 2 weeks. WONDERFUL!!! As it will take 8 weeks for AT&T to give me my severance, what in the world will I have to live on for 2 weeks? Annoyed again. Apparently, full time school schedules are not allowed on Unemployment. As I put down that I am taking one class this summer and one class in the Fall, I think it's pretty clear that I'm not going to school full time. But if they want to waste time with a meeting, so be it. My employers have been paying my unemployment insurance for 20 years and my little Chem class is now an issue. I don't see how a phone call could not have set things straight but this is the government.
Wondering why it smelled like crap and dirty socks in Kris's room, I investigated. I found my answer and EWWWWWW!!! is all I'm going to say about that. I cleaned two rooms from top to bottom. I have done oodles and oodles and oodles of laundry and am one sweaty tired out mess by the end of the night and the house still looks yucky because I have disassembled in order to reassemble if that makes sense.
I hope I find a job soon. This "nothing to do" is exhausting.

As a PPS: I went to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up Emily's meds. Her first day out of Kindergarten was hard for me and for her as her routine was disrupted. She was absolutely horrible all day. When they said it would cost 200 dollars, I was stunned. The pharmacist told me to call the company and find out what happened. I was practically in tears when I walked away. No unemployment, no paycheck, no 200 for prescriptions. AT&T canceled the benefit but had not put the COBRA through. This means that the Dr. appointment I had on Tuesday was not covered either which means another headache. All shall be cleared by Wednesday but will we survive an unmedicated Emily? We'll find out.

Happy Memorial Day...is happy an appropriate word for this holiday? We are commemorating all those that have lost their lives fighting for our country. For millions of families, this is not a happy day.

Many years ago, I worked as a server in a small local restaurant associated with the Holiday Inn in Iowa City. Holidays and weekends are meaningless when you work food service so on this particular Memorial Day, I was serving breakfast and lunch to the few people in our hotel and I met, Wayne. Wayne was a homeless drifter thumbing for rides down I80. He was also a Vietnam Veteran who saw the front lines, came back to America suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and was vilified and crucified for his service during this hugely unpopular war. On Memorial Day 1989, Wayne drifted into Iowa City, Iowa and found his way to breakfast in our restaurant after spending a night panhandling. Wayne's behavior was erratic. He stuffed his pockets with buffet food, refused to sit at a table, and wandered in and out to purposefully harass guests and workers in the Hotel. At one point, Wayne went outside and relieved himself in the bushes outside in full view of all restaurant patrons. Then came back in and sat at his table demanding more coffee. I was Wayne's server that day and in his coherent moments, he talked to me about Vietnam with a pained expression on his face. "This is Memorial Day" he said. Then louder he repeated it. The few diners turned around to look at Wayne who by this time, had climbed onto his chair and started screaming at the top of his lungs, "DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW WHAT MEMORIAL DAY IS!!?? ANYONE?" (Our Manager left the restaurant quietly to get security) Pointing to each guest he repeated "Do you know what Memorial Day is? How bout you or you?" Guests looked away. One women looked terrified. At the top of his lungs Wayne shouted "MEMORIAL DAY IS WHEN WE WENT TO WAR, GOT BLASTED AWAY, AND NO ONE GAVE A SHIT!"
At this time, security entered and led Wayne away. He was still yelling as he was led out the door. The diners sat in stunned silence and we workers could just stand and stare.
I think of Wayne every Memorial Day. I wonder how many like Wayne are out there. Soldiers who saw Hell and came home to careless indifference to what they sacrificed. Provided these soldiers survived the war but inside Wayne was just as dead as those who didn't. Let us never forget the magnitude of this sacrifice. America is not perfect but our country is something to be proud of and we must never forget all those people like Wayne who were willing to lay their lives on the line to protect our freedoms. Thank you, Wayne for your service. Though you may have felt forgotten in 1989, I have not forgotten you and I never will.

5/26...

Today, is my last official day on the payroll. Tomorrow, I file for unemployment. Many people have asked me how I feel about it. Truth is, I don't know. Sometimes, I feel empowered. Sometimes, I feel a little down. Last night, I typed up my official goodbye. To some, I sent a personal note and noticed I was getting a bit weepy as I typed on. I remember the feeling I had on my first day on April 5, 1995. Fifteen years later, there are no words that exist that can describe the feelings on this last day. As I said goodbye to my co-workers this morning, I was getting ready for a job interview. After I closed out my email, I made plans to get together with CNA friends this Saturday. At 5pm, after my exit interview this afternoon, I will print out the Waiver form to send priority mail to the benefits center first thing tomorrow morning. Then, I will mix myself a Pina Colada and quietly move to AT&T history. I'm leaving with little fanfare and quietly closing the door.

This week, has been filled with the good and the bad. My appliance usurpation has not finished as my dishwasher joined the ranks of non-functional household appliances the other day. Frustrated! VERY FRUSTRATED!! After I cursed the darn thing out, I logged onto the computer and visited several of my friends blogs. Five sets of parents that I know of are facing the loss of their child soon and here I am worrying about losing a dumb dishwasher and a job.. To quote my late friend, Charlie, "You never know how good it can be till you've found out for yourself how bad it can get".
Life AIN'T bad....and you're right Sue G. "Man Plans. God Laughs."
He's been laughing a whole heck of a lot.

The first day of....

I'm not quite sure.
Yesterday, I took the last final of the Semester and received my longed for A in Anatomy. WOOHOO! After my Anatomy final, I came home, poured myself a glass of red and celebrated by doing nothing except enjoying the wonderful glass of cheap red wine and a movie. I relished the wonderful feeling of having nothing pressing to do for about 2 hours. Today, I looked at my wreck of a house and asked myself, where do I even start. Piles of laundry are stacked up in every room, under every piece of furniture and yes, even hidden under the stairs. But because this is my life and nothing goes very smoothly in it, my washing machine died this morning. The timing just could not be better. With a broken stove to match it and impending unemployment less than a week away, I once again will have to put buying a new stove on hold and buy the new washing machine instead. One of these days, I will have a functional stove and not a decoration sitting in my kitchen. My crock pot, toaster oven and microwave have served me well. Perhaps they can hold up a little while longer. I made my way to Walmart to buy cleaning supplies. Tomorrow, after I do my morning job search, I'll begin on removing dirt and putting it back outside. This will be no easy feat. As a matter of fact, my house could probably be a great episode for "How Clean is Your House." I welcome those two British ladies to try and make this disaster look habitable again. Three weeks ago, I yanked the cable from the computer monitor and told the kids that Facebook is defunct until they actually finish a chore. Yep, three weeks ago I told them that. They still don't have their cable back. They are all of the sudden really interested in writing papers and doing homework....on my computer. Considering my son hasn't handed in an assignment in his Law and Government class YET this quarter.....
So, tomorrow will be the first day of getting a chore finished, the first day seeing my floors again after 8 months, the first day of unfettered free time that really isn't free until after I remove dust, dirt, fingerprints, old food, cat hair (LOTS OF THAT) and bacteria that probably thought it had a permanent home from my house. Then we'll take it from there. Monday, school starts up again but class is for two hours in the morning. Then what?

I took my Anatomy final tonight. When I came home, I had no idea what to do with myself. Without my book, I feel so naked. That book traveled with me to Atlanta, Iowa City, Walmart, Dr's waiting rooms, and church and as it's been a constant companion, it feels like I just spurned a lover and am moving on to the next one in one week. I'm waiting on the final grade. I need at least an 80% but hopefully better and I keep my A. Tomorrow, I will take my Biology final but my instructor said if I wanted to stay home, stay home. There are 600 points possible in the class. I have 606 now without the final. BUT, I am taking the final. No matter what happens, I still have the A but I want the knowledge. The whole purpose of the class was to help me on the NLN. Though some of the material overlaps with what I studied in Anatomy, much of this last unit did not and it is a good overview for the entrance exam for Nursing school which I will be taking on July 22.

Today, I was hired to do a temporary project for a large grocery store chain. As the end of my career at AT&T is coming to an end and I have received no job offers from the company or anywhere else YET, I have time to do some 2 or 3 audits a week on the store's customer service in the various stores around the Chicago area. The schedules are flexible, it pays $11 an hour, reimburses me for mileage and I can take Em with me if I want to. Sounded like a winner. I can work up to 25 hours a week without affecting unemployment. As I usually work 18-20 at the Mart, the additional 6 hours won't interfere and if by chance I have to take a weekend day off, I can make it up here. The project will last 3-6 months. I'll keep looking for a job in the meantime and even if I do land something full time, I can schedule this around it.
This is relatively short tonight. I've been hibernating and trying to get this class finished. Physiology in the Fall will be my next textbook ball and chain. I want an A there too!

PS: Clinic visit this past week was fine. All blood counts are good and my BP is excellent.

Happy Mother's Day!

To all my mommy friends. Our work is just never done!

May 5 is an anniversary of one of the most life changing events in my 42 years. It was the day I heard the words "You have Sarcoma." It is a close second to the words "You have a son."
Four years. As I'm in my 40's, four years is a drop in the bucket but it seems like a lifetime ago that I was living a life free of it, without Dr's, scans, MRI's, and Scanxiety. My cancer journey has been bumpier than some, and smoother than others. But the impact is the same and anyone who has ever heard the words the first time, can tell you the date and the time and how it was said and can describe the gut wrenching feelings that transpired afterwards. It feels like a blow to the stomach. We are paralyzed for a moment, then as the wind returns we say "I'll fight! and I'll WIN." The journey starts out about I but the further we go down that path, the more we come to understand that the journey is about "WE". No cancer patient can do it alone. Cancer is a disease that not only affects the patient but the family and the friends. Some old friendships are lost. Some old friendships get stronger. New friends are made.
Where do I want to be in another 4 years? Cancer free and a nurse. That is the goal. But I have problems dealing with any event that is further out than a month and sometimes that is too long. Life can change in a second.

You can't tell when strange things with meaning
will happen. I'm [still] here writing it down
just the way it was. "You don't have to
prove anything," my mother said. "Just be ready
for what God sends .............William Stafford

I have now returned from Atlanta after an amazing 24 hours meeting the most amazing women. After listening to their stories, I felt hugely unworthy of the honor of receiving one of the 7 scholarships awarded this year.
The Possible Woman Foundation seeks to grant scholarships to non-traditional women, those of us who do not qualify for "normal" scholarships, whose lives have been interrupted by hardships, challenges that most normal people do not see. Yet despite these challenges, their scholarship recipients forage ahead, using the challenge to do good in the community.
The other women experienced the absolute WORST that life had to offer but turned it around, refused to be victims, focused on what is POSSIBLE, not what is impossible and through education propose to make dreams come true.
At 11:56 on MOnday morning, I boarded a plane. I sat next to a Nurse Practitioner on her way back to Atlanta and we had a conversation about Nursing and about Sarcoma. I landed at 2:40est and stood for a minute to get my bearings and then headed towards the baggage claim area to find the driver. The Atlanta airport is HUGE and I walked what felt like a mile, taking in the people, the sights, the sounds, the busy-ness of the terminal and the excitement. I don't care for flying but I find airports exciting and full of possibility. I have suppressed wanderlust. When I see all these people boarding planes, I imagine exotic places, lush vacations, sites of beauty and I want to travel and see and experience. One of these days, I hope NOT to suppress the wanderlust anymore. I found my driver and I sat down and waited for the arrival of the other award recipient scheduled to land shortly after my flight did. We were driven to the hotel, a lush, elegant, modern and HUGE Hotel. He gave us directions to meet him at 5:30 at the door and he would take us to dinner. How cool is that? We had our own driver! I checked in and flopped down on the bed. I realized I was starving and dug into the lunch I packed for myself that I had hoped to eat on the airplane but didn't. I got dressed and was sitting there watching T.V on a nice large flat screen. About an hour later, my roomie checked in and we had a chance to talk a little before the banquet. At this time, I had met two women and I knew that they had a story to tell and I was interested to find out what that story was. At 5:30, we all gathered downstairs. We introduced ourselves and had a chance to talk a little bit on the ride to the banquet. We were treated to an open bar. We had LOTS of pictures taken of ourselves. Dinner time. On the table was a card introducing the 7 of us and what our stories were. Among us was
A survivor of 3 types of cancer.
A rape survivor
A former heroin addict and single mom of 2 who cleaned herself up and now wants to work with Juvenile offenders.
The founder of a 501.3c that transitioned women from prison to outside life
A former Meth addict and single mom of 1, who grew up in foster care now a straight A student with a bright future.
A domestic violence survivor and single mom of 4, now pursuing a Nursing degree.

As we were all individually introduced, my jaw was on the table. They chose me to be one of the seven of these incredibly strong and brilliant women. I felt hugely unworthy. WE all shared later that we all did listening to the challenges of the others. This is my life. I live it every day. As this is just my life, I never thought it was anything incredibly different or special from anyone elses. Needless to say, we were all fast friends. We had a lot to talk about. We had a lot in common. Our circumstances may have been different, but the journey and the lessons were very similar.
After our banquet was over, we were driven back to the hotel where we had a chance to talk a little bit before bed. And in the morning, we attended a conference for women who have focused on what is POSSIBLE.
This was a conference about power, not power over anyone else but power over ourselves, harnessing the power within us, using that power to institute positive change in everything we do. No matter where we are in life, we are NEVER power-less. We ALWAYS have choices. Do not make excuses. Make changes. There is never a bad time to do good and make what is POSSIBLE, a reality.
I am incredibly blessed for having the opportunity to be there. It was a 24 hours I will carry with me for life and I'm so happy that I met these women and that we decided to keep in touch and hopefully enrich each others lives.

I am also going to thank my kids, Kris and Cassie, for doing such a great job on their service project: Sammie Hartsfield's 4th Annual Bunny Drive.
Sammie was a child I met in Outreach. She died of Osteosarcoma in October but in her honor and memory, her family opted to continue her idea. Sammie urged her family to collect stuffed animals for the kids in children's hospital. www.fightsarcoma.org and Team Sammie teamed up this year to make Sammie's idea national. Kris and Cassie appealed to the congregation of St. Marcelline Catholic Church to donate stuffed animals for the kids at Comer Children's Hospital. They attended all the masses last weekend asking for the donations and we all attended all the masses this past weekend to collect them. While I was in Atlanta, they braved the rush hour traffic to deliver the animals. Great job, Kris and Cass!! My role was small. I asked the youth pastor if we could do this and I made the call to Comer to arrange the drop off. Kris and Cass did the brunt of the work. I'm proud of their effort and thankful to St. Marcelline for all their generosity.

Focusing on the POSSIBLE! I WILL get an A on that Anatomy test on Monday! Well, it's possible. Better get to studying :)

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. Busy..very busy!
I have a lot to update but today, it will be short. Tomorrow, I am flying to Atlanta for the PWFI scholarship banquet. I will return Tuesday night. I do not care for flying. I am a control freak. I want to feel the wheel in my hand. I want to steer my ship or um Honda minivan, myself. I don't find it particularly comforting to be in the air 30K miles up...I just don't. When we hit turbulence, I look around the plane to see if any of the more experienced flyers are reacting. If they aren't, I try to relax. If they are...... someone better have a barf bag or some Depends handy.
Wish me luck or ship me Valium!

Fundraiser for Fightsarcoma.org

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Every dollar counts towards fighting this cancer :)
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Scan results ( Brivanib, the second year)

Stable but with possible growth of a mm to one nodule and 2mm to another. I was not too thrilled with that but my Onc was not concerned and was questioning how the radiologist could even say that as there is a 2mm deviation on CT scans due to respiration (took a deeper breath) and the CT scanner takes pictures at 2mm intervals. Because I'm on a clinical trial, he mentioned this. If I were a regular patient on a regular mainstream chemo, 1-2mm of growth would not even be mentioned as cancer usually grows a lot faster than that. In the past 15 months, the big nodule grew 2mm POSSIBLY. That is almost the rate of growth of a benign lesion sooooo, I wait for 3 months for the re-scan. My Oncologist said not to lose any sleep over it and my clinical trial nurse asserted it looked to him to be air and not to worry. SOOO...there is hope that these &*)*)& haven't really started growing again.
Things are on hold at ol Ma Bell. I uploaded a resume onto our career website and do check it daily for something I might be interested in doing. If I am forced into this then I want to be picky about my next step. Five years ago, I would have taken anything. Today, I am looking for quality. I don't want any old job just to have a job. I want a job that well, I want. For now, I'm doing my job until I hand it over to the overseas group. I still don't know who will get my government account as that cannot be done overseas but, we'll figure that out.

Emily starts Tee ball tonight. She was angry at me at first for signing her up. Baseball is for boys, she said. Today, she is excited and excessively irritating about when she gets to start. I think her new pink tee ball bat and pink cleats sparked her interest. Today, we get her a mitt and she is insisting she wants baseball socks. She will be playing for the White Sox BOOOO! So far, neither Kris nor Cass ever played for the Hanover Park Cub's teams dagnabit. Emily's father might be thrilled but in a house full of Cub's fans, I guess we'll just have grin and bear the offending uniform.
A couple weeks ago, I took some time and watched "Passion of the Christ" and I cried through the whole thing. I read the reviews of the movie and thought that many missed the point. They focused on the violence and only on the violence, called it violent pornography. Well of course crucifying someone is VIOLENT.. DUHHHH! The movie was about the SUFFERING. I say SUFFERING in capital letters because there is a big difference between SUFFERING like that and suffering with let's say a cold. It wasn't easy to make that choice to SUFFER. But, this man did. He, Son of GOD, also questioned WHY? Couldn't this have been done a different way? Why this unimaginable SUFFERING? Before He was taken into custody, He begged God not to have to do this but He did, took on the cross and carried it. I had to look away from the screen a few times. All I could think was WOW. Just WOW! And Mary, His mom, watched the whole thing. WOW! That must have been so excruciatingly difficult. She could have said no to all of this. Jesus could have said no to all of this. They didn't. Sometimes, we are called to do things that are hugely difficult. But even through this Passion of such HUGE SUFFERING, little bits of the compassionate God shined through. Why would it not for those of us dealing with our own suffering? Have a very HAPPY EASTER everyone. And to Sue, a blessed Passover. Many upheavals in many lives during this time of renewal. I hope that these upheavals will lead to a new and better life.

The end is still unwritten

I had barely poured my first cup of coffee Friday morning when my cell phone rang. Seeing it was my boss, I was surprised. She never calls me, not for any reason whatsoever. Surprised she had my cell phone, she called me back on my business line and started the conversation with "I have some bad news for you." blah blah blah "surplus" blah blah...last day May 25th blah blah severance package for you to look over...blah blah blah. Can I say I was shocked? No. I called this day a year ago. My gut was warning me in March. It was telling me in July that it was time to jump ship. Here we are. I was given Friday off to "digest" the news. Despite the conversation, my boss seemed a bit surprised that there was no reaction from me and commented that I seemed to be taking things awfully well. What exactly was I supposed to do? Beg? I simply asked her to forward me the paperwork and I would look it over. She urged me to consult an attorney and a financial consultant and make a decision: upload a resume and try for a position open elsewhere in the company or take my severance and permanently close the door on my career at Ma Bell. I spent Friday doing nothing in particular, went shopping, enjoyed the sun, picked up a prescription, treated it like any other day. Did some thinking over the weekend. Questioned whether I was really OK or just in some sort of denial. Would this layoff leave me in a sea of fear and grief eventually? I slept on it and woke up Saturday morning feeling absolutely.......LIBERATED! Excited even at the thought of a Summer without working two jobs, at resting after back and forth and back and forth to the U of C, Alexian Brothers, endless needles and poking and telling someone my name and birthday. I was excited about studying outside on my deck with a big glass of juice. And then, tonight, while I was taking a shower I remembered April 5, 1995. A young single mom, newly liberated from her husband, started her first day at a company called Advantis. It was the first non restaurant job she ever had and she was scared to death at the thought of working on a computer when she could barely type her name on one. She drove this old beat up two door Dodge Charger without air conditioning and both doors stuck so that she would have leave the window open in order to get into the car because it would only open from the inside. Two little kids were fastened into the back seat for their first day at the new day care. As she stopped off for gas, a million things were running through her head like "Can I do this job?" "OMG! I'm running late!" While deep in thought, she filled her beat up car with gas and realized that she FORGOT TO CRACK THE WINDOW. Kids in the back seat, purse with the money for the gas on the front seat and 45 minutes to show time, she stared at the full gas station, sighed and opened up the hatchback, crawled through a pile of debris while onlookers snickered and opened the door, ran into the store to pay for the gas and tried not to notice the people laughing. The attendant took the money and said "bad day??" "Yep" she said and she drove off for her first day. Once in the call center, she met her boss, Carol. Carol was a sweet and wonderful lady and though young single newly liberated from her marriage, mom was worried sick she could not handle the job, Carol had no doubt she could and boss was right. What was a new adventure, turned into a LOT of new friends. Every day at work was FUN. Weekends were for study or reading or hanging out with co-workers and talking when it was not busy. Relationships. Mary Lou, Ruby, Tom, Joe, Jim, Mahmoud, Doug, Eric, Tina, Ron, Mike and Mike and Mike, Gregg, Faraz, Phil, Leilani, Diane, Lou, Dwayne, Jason, Sherwin...a close crew. Good friends. Many laughs. Good times.
The AT&T that is now, is not the company that young single mom joined 15 years ago and it's not this AT&T that she will miss. Young single mom, now me, will always remember working for Advantis, my very first job. I will always remember kicking the back of Doug's chair on my way to my cubicle EVERY DAY. I do not now why I did that but it became part of the friendship. I will always remember when some smart ass in our group switched the coffee mate with flour. I will always remember Saturdays in the call center. We'd have weekly pot lucks and sit around and girl talk when it wasn't busy. I will always remember Friday nights at Bennigan's, doing blow job shots and winding down after the work week. I will always remember the thrill I had learning, being encouraged to learn, and the great bosses I had who took the time to try and build, not tear down. I have missed the feeling of being valued and wanting to contribute just for that feeling of doing a good job. I have been corporately beaten down by offshoring and outsourcing and feeling devalued, by layoff after layoff since 2004. I've been beaten down by a 40 hour work week somehow slowly growing into a 50 hour work week, then 60 with weekends and nights, feeling guilty for taking time to talk to the kids, eating dinner or going to the bathroom. So, my gut says, no. No resumes. No looking for a job in the company. Take the money and close the door. The fondness you feel is not for this. It's for what was. What was was pretty great. What will be....I guess that's up to me. I'm not saying there isn't a little fear but 3 years ago, I made a promise to God during the Relay for Life. I vowed that as long as I am living I will be a voice for cancer and that I would do anything in my power to eradicate this disease from the face of the Earth. He is holding me to my promise. Whereas He led me to what I needed 15 years ago, I have no doubt He is leading me now....and I'm following. So, goodbye AT&T. It's been a good run. I've learned a lot about what I want, and what I don't. God, now what?

Bittersweet sums up this week.
Two MPNST warriors lost their fight, Tyler and Kelsie. All Sarcoma deaths sadden me but especially MPNST deaths and double especially when they are kids. My heart goes out to their families and my resolve to advocate and find a cure is strengthened. It's personal!! Yet in the middle of these stories are moments of inspiration, of deep compassion, of communities that come together to support and rally around the afflicted. A few weeks ago, a member of our little Sarcoma community, relapsed with Sarcoma. This Sarcoma warrior just HAPPENS to be local and is in Kris's class. He asked Schaumburg High School if they would participate in a St. Baldrick's event. Here is the story that ran in our local paper. SHS St. Baldrick's fundraiser I had the pleasure of meeting the family at a celebration at our church. This story illustrates so well how one voice can impact so positively.

It is Spring Break. I have put the kids to work cleaning the devastation that has occurred in my house since I started classes in November. We are slowly but surely tending to the wreckage but not without fights and screaming and anger at me because for the first time since last July, we can see sunshine and they want to go and have fun. By the looks of my house, lots of fun has been going on around here as we recently found leftover Christmas crackers, dips and chips still ground in the carpet and are sweeping up piles of debris. You may think I'm exaggerating but um..no, not really. Now that I can see the sunshine through the newly polished glass, it's so much brighter in here and I can actually get a full view of all the dirt. NOT PRETTY! As I'm on Spring break myself, I have enjoyed not HAVING to have a book in front of my face but as I'm sitting here, there is one there anyway though it has taken me all day to read two pages.

Now for the really sweet. At work on Saturday, one of my co-workers had asked me how I am going to fund Nursing school and still pay my mortgage. I told her that I am hoping that God can pull a few strings for me. That evening when I came home, there was an email from an unfamiliar name asking me to call her ASAP. The email came from Possible Woman. I won their annual scholarship and they are awarding me $5000 towards my education! I was thrilled beyond thrilled. Could not even speak an intelligible sentence. I applied for this scholarship in January and as I found it 5 days before the deadline, I hustled to get the application finished and in the mail on time. Again I will thank Sue, Nonalee, Deb, Clyde, Andrea, Cyndy and all of those that encouraged me to go for it, wrote letters of recommendation, and proof read the essays to make sure they sounded intelligent. I am supposed to go to Atlanta, GA during the 3rd weekend in April to attend the banquet and accept the scholarship in person. I will post a link to PWI so that other women reading this blog who want to further their education, can apply for next years scholarship. It is not income dependent or age dependent and will not disqualify anyone for already having a college degree.
In all things, I am truly thankful.

PS: PLEASE vote for our Sarcoma Awareness NASCAR :)
Sarcoma Nascar

It's that dreaded time again.....SCAN TIME!!! I will say it one more time, I HATE SCAN TIME!! I hate the barium. I hate feeling like someone took a vise grip to my intestines every time I have to drink that crap. I hate the tummy ache and the multiple trips to the potty. I hate the scanxiety waiting for the results and right now, I am treating this like a huge interruption to my vastly busy schedule and I am downright annoyed at the cancer intrusion. SO THERE!

Almost two weeks ago, Kristopher participated in IHSA, the Illinois High School Association annual music contest. He was performing a solo and performing in a quartet, the solo occurring at an obscene time of the morning, 8:30am at Lake Zurich High School which is a nice little 45 minute drive. We had intended on being on the road at 7am so Kris had a chance to warm up. Needless to say, it didn't quite go off that way. I worked Friday night until 11pm, couldn't fall asleep until after 1am and though had my alarm set early enough, I slept through it and apparently, Kris slept through his and Cass slept through hers. None of us got out of bed until 6:45 and after mediating a fight between Kris and Cass over who got to use the shower first, I sent Cass in there and sternly warned Kris his shower should last less than 10 minutes and not the usual 2 hour shower he takes to avoid doing housework. (Note to self: start saving to modify downstairs bathroom from half bath to 3/4 SOON!) Kris proceeded to inform me at 7am that he did not have a white shirt to wear and what was I going to do about it? Hmmm...well let me put it to you this way Kris, NOTHING! Holy smokes! I work at a STORE. I worked at a STORE just the night before. I worked at a STORE every weekend for the 6 months that he knew about this solo contest. So of course, Kris got upset and threatened not to go and I, of course, told him to get his butt downstairs and put on his faded, holey, Led Zeppelin shirt for all I care. The bus is leaving at 7:15. CHOP! CHOP! We pulled out of the driveway at 7:25 and proceeded on our way. Our Mapquest directions were a little unclear and I missed one of the turnoffs. As I'm turning around, Kris is yelling at me for forgetting where Lake Zurich High School is because we were just there a year ago. Do I really have to explain to a 16 year old that over 2 million facts entered my head in the past year and every time one fact entered my brain, something else fell out? Apparently, I did. So while he was screaming he would not be able to warm up, I turned the bus around and got myself on the right track. It was now 8:15. Kris was scheduled to be on stage and I was still a fair distance from the high school. Success, finally on route 22. Directions say turn on Church street. 3 miles down the road, it was clear once more that I missed Church street. How? I went backwards and saw no Church street. In desperation, I took the first right and miraculously found Church. We pulled up to the high school 3 minutes before showtime. I dropped Kris off and parked the car, ran to the entrance, stood in line forever to get directions to the classroom, and somehow made it. Kris did not do as well on his solo as he wanted but, the quartet was wonderful.
This week was an Anatomy test week and I was very busy memorizing muscles, 56 muscles originations and insertions AND actions. I found that hugely difficult. Generally, I look for patterns. There just weren't any and it took me quite a long time to get them into my head. Of course, the test only had 10 questions on that and 40 questions on the two chapters I didn't spend a lot of time on. ARGH!! Hematology and Cardiac care is just off my list of Nursing possibilities. Still waiting for the official bad news on this. I had an A going in. Will I still have an A at the end of the day??? I am seriously hoping my guesswork was in top form last night.
If you haven't done so, please vote for our Sarcoma awareness NASCAR! We're up to 1400 votes. Thank you so much!!!
Sarcoma NASCAR

PS: added Friday 3/19, I got an A on the Anatomy test. :) Maybe I'll put cardiac care and hematology back on the list...

Sarcoma Awareness ala Nascar

Toyota is sponsoring a contest. Vote on a Nascar design and the winning design stands to have their design made a reality. To promote Sarcoma Awareness, one of my friends designed a Sarcoma car laden with yellow ribbons, bearing the name of every child and adult fighting Sarcoma. We need votes to bring attention to this cause. If this is a cause you can get behind, please vote every day and forward this link to everyone you can.
Sarcoma Nascar

Studyin Science

When I went to college the first time, I was a liberal arts major, focusing on history, literature and psychology with some smatterings of science classes that I took during my half hearted attempt at pre-medicine. Science and I did not get along. I hated the thought of labs. Chemistry gave me the chills. Twenty years later, I find myself immersed in learning the various systems of the body and studying life. A few weeks ago, we studied the Theory of Evolution. I realize it's a hot button topic for some especially when it comes to man and his role. Yesterday, my son asked me if I was a Creationist or an Evolutionist and mentioned that if I was an Evolutionist, it meant that I was not a true believer in God. There are some that feel that Science dispels all evidence of God but I'm of the school that Science does no such thing. I don't even see how the two can be separated. One created the rules. One attempts to explain the rules. Life is amazing! Life is a miracle in every sense of the word. It is so perfectly put together. Every cell, every plant, every animal, has a place in the world, a function, a reason to be here. Everything is related and if one element of a system is out of balance, the entire system and every element in it suffers. My textbook theorizes life began with one cell. My textbook also cannot explain how that cell got here and makes no attempt to do so. From that cell, came the fish, the flowers, the birds, the reptiles, the amphibians, and we humans. We are one. We are connected. That cell differentiated into cells that adapt to life in cold weather, life in the tropics, life in the ocean, life on land, life in high altitudes, life in the desert, life everywhere that life exists. The odds of that happening anywhere is a billion to one. How can anyone look at Science and say, there is no Creator? Yes, as perfect as life is, really unspeakable things happen. Our perfect Creator did not create a perfect world. I don't think the world was meant to be perfect. The world was meant to be exactly as it is and we, who all came from one single cell, who are all together on this planet after morphing into what we came to be, are all in this together to solve the problems that exist here. We will never prevent an Earthquake or tornado but as a community we can blunt the effects. We cannot affect the bad choices that another person makes but we can make good choices of our own that may counter the bad ones.
Studyin Science...studyin God... same thing.

About Brivanib..

I've had the pleasure of talking with a few people who stumbled across the blog looking for information about Brivanib so this entry is a repeat for many as I wanted to post an update on this drug trial.

I started the trial on Jan 14, 2009. My official diagnosis is Malignant Peripheral Nerve Sheath Tumor, low to intermediate grade with mets to the lung. MPNST is a form of Sarcoma. I'm in the Phase 2 trial at U of C. For 12 weeks, I was guaranteed to be on the drug for 12 weeks and then was randomized to either the placebo or the actual drug. Initially, the side effects I experienced were light headedness within 15 minutes after taking the drug, thirst (I craved water), fatigue, and weight gain. I gained weigh rapidly, at least 20 pounds in 2 months but, if given the choice between a growing butt and a growing tumor, there really is no contest. The first 12 weeks, I saw initial tumor shrinkage and growth to one of the nodules. After randomization, I was put on the placebo. No, I don't know this for a fact but I experience no side effects on the pills I am taking. I have been stable since March of last year with nothing new and no growth which is wonderful!!! I can't vouch for what anyone else experienced regarding side effects. I've heard of some nausea, some extreme tiredness, some shortness of breath, some increased blood pressure, and some liver enzyme increases but none of those were things I experienced personally. Nutritionally, I follow a modified version of the Budwig protocol and add Vitamin D3 and DHA as supplements. I had been reading that Omega-3 fatty acids, especially DHA, are great cancer fighters and may act on my tumor. I don't eat anything with sunflower, safflower, vegetable or partially hydrogenated oils and spend more time than I have looking over ingredients before I buy or eat something. I like to think the combination of both my lifestyle changes and medications helped me. I don't mind being tapped for questions on anything and purposefully left my email and facebook available. Please use them if you want. One of the pluses to this cancer journey, is meeting all the cancer warriors out there embroiled in the battle.
This concludes this Brivanib update :)

I PASSED MY CNA EXAM!!! The first little leg of the journey to Nursing school is complete. I feel a little sense of accomplishment as the class I took jammed a semester worth of information into 8 weeks and I passed! Congratulations to the rest of my classmates as they all did as well! We were the Super class! I have an Anatomy Test tonight that I am now stressing over. After four class periods of bones and bones and more bones oh...and a few joints, I'm being tested on all that tonight. Can I remember Symphoses and how they differ from Synchondroses, Synarthrosis and Synovial? Can I remember which bone the greater and lesser tubercle resides on and what bones make up the pectoral girdle? We'll see!
Registration for the Summer session is coming up very quickly and I'm debating something. My intent was to take Physiology and take the NLN sometime in September. My original goal was to apply for the Spring 2011 start of Nursing school. Now, I'm rethinking this. Whereas I do intend on taking a Summer class, I don't know if it's a good idea to rush Physiology. My application to Nursing school will be based on how I do in Anatomy, Physiology and the NLN exam. Do I really want to race through Physiology in the Summer with backyard BBQ's, nice weather, distractions upon distractions or should I wait until the Fall? Right now, I'm leaning towards "wait until Fall" and take Chem 101 over the Summer which like Bio 101 will serve as a refresher to score higher on the NLN. This would bump the Nursing start date to Fall of 2011, a full 8 months later than planned which isn't horrible. The down side to that plan however, is AT&T. Last week, one of my friends notified me that his AT&T center located in Mesa, AZ, is closing. What this may mean for me moving forward, is unknown. But Ma Bell has not finished her cuts yet. I have two weeks to make a decision and will take any suggestions.

I need a babysitter for a smarty pants 16 year old and a snotty 15 year old who proved over the weekend that they are not fit to be home by themselves. As I study, I am digging out of the wreckage after the wars that occurred here over the weekend. MOM is not happy with her ducklings. My kids are like our current deadlocked Congress. Neither of them will budge and inch on anything and nothing got done. I have no clean clothes and neither do any of the kids. When I asked why it did not get done as I asked my son looked at me square in the eye and said, "Laziness!" At least he was honest. That's good, right? When I asked my daughter why there was a sink of dirty dishes, I was told that the dishwasher did not get done washing dishes until 3pm. Bold faced LIE! I started the dishwasher before I left for work at 9am. Called them on that and the stammering and hems and haws abounded which only fueled the ire. SIGH! I just have no words for all this. On their Spring Break, they will do all this and oh so much more under my supervision or they will be giving up FUN for Lent and beyond! It's not so much the cleaning that is so tiresome. It's just disappointing that with all that is going on, my kids have not been part of the solution. Well... I guess I'll just have to live with the smeared jelly on the couch, living out of the laundry basket, and deal with the no clean towel problem for a little bit longer. This deadlocked congress isn't going to undeadlock any time soon.