The end is still unwritten

I had barely poured my first cup of coffee Friday morning when my cell phone rang. Seeing it was my boss, I was surprised. She never calls me, not for any reason whatsoever. Surprised she had my cell phone, she called me back on my business line and started the conversation with "I have some bad news for you." blah blah blah "surplus" blah blah...last day May 25th blah blah severance package for you to look over...blah blah blah. Can I say I was shocked? No. I called this day a year ago. My gut was warning me in March. It was telling me in July that it was time to jump ship. Here we are. I was given Friday off to "digest" the news. Despite the conversation, my boss seemed a bit surprised that there was no reaction from me and commented that I seemed to be taking things awfully well. What exactly was I supposed to do? Beg? I simply asked her to forward me the paperwork and I would look it over. She urged me to consult an attorney and a financial consultant and make a decision: upload a resume and try for a position open elsewhere in the company or take my severance and permanently close the door on my career at Ma Bell. I spent Friday doing nothing in particular, went shopping, enjoyed the sun, picked up a prescription, treated it like any other day. Did some thinking over the weekend. Questioned whether I was really OK or just in some sort of denial. Would this layoff leave me in a sea of fear and grief eventually? I slept on it and woke up Saturday morning feeling absolutely.......LIBERATED! Excited even at the thought of a Summer without working two jobs, at resting after back and forth and back and forth to the U of C, Alexian Brothers, endless needles and poking and telling someone my name and birthday. I was excited about studying outside on my deck with a big glass of juice. And then, tonight, while I was taking a shower I remembered April 5, 1995. A young single mom, newly liberated from her husband, started her first day at a company called Advantis. It was the first non restaurant job she ever had and she was scared to death at the thought of working on a computer when she could barely type her name on one. She drove this old beat up two door Dodge Charger without air conditioning and both doors stuck so that she would have leave the window open in order to get into the car because it would only open from the inside. Two little kids were fastened into the back seat for their first day at the new day care. As she stopped off for gas, a million things were running through her head like "Can I do this job?" "OMG! I'm running late!" While deep in thought, she filled her beat up car with gas and realized that she FORGOT TO CRACK THE WINDOW. Kids in the back seat, purse with the money for the gas on the front seat and 45 minutes to show time, she stared at the full gas station, sighed and opened up the hatchback, crawled through a pile of debris while onlookers snickered and opened the door, ran into the store to pay for the gas and tried not to notice the people laughing. The attendant took the money and said "bad day??" "Yep" she said and she drove off for her first day. Once in the call center, she met her boss, Carol. Carol was a sweet and wonderful lady and though young single newly liberated from her marriage, mom was worried sick she could not handle the job, Carol had no doubt she could and boss was right. What was a new adventure, turned into a LOT of new friends. Every day at work was FUN. Weekends were for study or reading or hanging out with co-workers and talking when it was not busy. Relationships. Mary Lou, Ruby, Tom, Joe, Jim, Mahmoud, Doug, Eric, Tina, Ron, Mike and Mike and Mike, Gregg, Faraz, Phil, Leilani, Diane, Lou, Dwayne, Jason, Sherwin...a close crew. Good friends. Many laughs. Good times.
The AT&T that is now, is not the company that young single mom joined 15 years ago and it's not this AT&T that she will miss. Young single mom, now me, will always remember working for Advantis, my very first job. I will always remember kicking the back of Doug's chair on my way to my cubicle EVERY DAY. I do not now why I did that but it became part of the friendship. I will always remember when some smart ass in our group switched the coffee mate with flour. I will always remember Saturdays in the call center. We'd have weekly pot lucks and sit around and girl talk when it wasn't busy. I will always remember Friday nights at Bennigan's, doing blow job shots and winding down after the work week. I will always remember the thrill I had learning, being encouraged to learn, and the great bosses I had who took the time to try and build, not tear down. I have missed the feeling of being valued and wanting to contribute just for that feeling of doing a good job. I have been corporately beaten down by offshoring and outsourcing and feeling devalued, by layoff after layoff since 2004. I've been beaten down by a 40 hour work week somehow slowly growing into a 50 hour work week, then 60 with weekends and nights, feeling guilty for taking time to talk to the kids, eating dinner or going to the bathroom. So, my gut says, no. No resumes. No looking for a job in the company. Take the money and close the door. The fondness you feel is not for this. It's for what was. What was was pretty great. What will be....I guess that's up to me. I'm not saying there isn't a little fear but 3 years ago, I made a promise to God during the Relay for Life. I vowed that as long as I am living I will be a voice for cancer and that I would do anything in my power to eradicate this disease from the face of the Earth. He is holding me to my promise. Whereas He led me to what I needed 15 years ago, I have no doubt He is leading me now....and I'm following. So, goodbye AT&T. It's been a good run. I've learned a lot about what I want, and what I don't. God, now what?

Bittersweet sums up this week.
Two MPNST warriors lost their fight, Tyler and Kelsie. All Sarcoma deaths sadden me but especially MPNST deaths and double especially when they are kids. My heart goes out to their families and my resolve to advocate and find a cure is strengthened. It's personal!! Yet in the middle of these stories are moments of inspiration, of deep compassion, of communities that come together to support and rally around the afflicted. A few weeks ago, a member of our little Sarcoma community, relapsed with Sarcoma. This Sarcoma warrior just HAPPENS to be local and is in Kris's class. He asked Schaumburg High School if they would participate in a St. Baldrick's event. Here is the story that ran in our local paper. SHS St. Baldrick's fundraiser I had the pleasure of meeting the family at a celebration at our church. This story illustrates so well how one voice can impact so positively.

It is Spring Break. I have put the kids to work cleaning the devastation that has occurred in my house since I started classes in November. We are slowly but surely tending to the wreckage but not without fights and screaming and anger at me because for the first time since last July, we can see sunshine and they want to go and have fun. By the looks of my house, lots of fun has been going on around here as we recently found leftover Christmas crackers, dips and chips still ground in the carpet and are sweeping up piles of debris. You may think I'm exaggerating but um..no, not really. Now that I can see the sunshine through the newly polished glass, it's so much brighter in here and I can actually get a full view of all the dirt. NOT PRETTY! As I'm on Spring break myself, I have enjoyed not HAVING to have a book in front of my face but as I'm sitting here, there is one there anyway though it has taken me all day to read two pages.

Now for the really sweet. At work on Saturday, one of my co-workers had asked me how I am going to fund Nursing school and still pay my mortgage. I told her that I am hoping that God can pull a few strings for me. That evening when I came home, there was an email from an unfamiliar name asking me to call her ASAP. The email came from Possible Woman. I won their annual scholarship and they are awarding me $5000 towards my education! I was thrilled beyond thrilled. Could not even speak an intelligible sentence. I applied for this scholarship in January and as I found it 5 days before the deadline, I hustled to get the application finished and in the mail on time. Again I will thank Sue, Nonalee, Deb, Clyde, Andrea, Cyndy and all of those that encouraged me to go for it, wrote letters of recommendation, and proof read the essays to make sure they sounded intelligent. I am supposed to go to Atlanta, GA during the 3rd weekend in April to attend the banquet and accept the scholarship in person. I will post a link to PWI so that other women reading this blog who want to further their education, can apply for next years scholarship. It is not income dependent or age dependent and will not disqualify anyone for already having a college degree.
In all things, I am truly thankful.

PS: PLEASE vote for our Sarcoma Awareness NASCAR :)
Sarcoma Nascar

It's that dreaded time again.....SCAN TIME!!! I will say it one more time, I HATE SCAN TIME!! I hate the barium. I hate feeling like someone took a vise grip to my intestines every time I have to drink that crap. I hate the tummy ache and the multiple trips to the potty. I hate the scanxiety waiting for the results and right now, I am treating this like a huge interruption to my vastly busy schedule and I am downright annoyed at the cancer intrusion. SO THERE!

Almost two weeks ago, Kristopher participated in IHSA, the Illinois High School Association annual music contest. He was performing a solo and performing in a quartet, the solo occurring at an obscene time of the morning, 8:30am at Lake Zurich High School which is a nice little 45 minute drive. We had intended on being on the road at 7am so Kris had a chance to warm up. Needless to say, it didn't quite go off that way. I worked Friday night until 11pm, couldn't fall asleep until after 1am and though had my alarm set early enough, I slept through it and apparently, Kris slept through his and Cass slept through hers. None of us got out of bed until 6:45 and after mediating a fight between Kris and Cass over who got to use the shower first, I sent Cass in there and sternly warned Kris his shower should last less than 10 minutes and not the usual 2 hour shower he takes to avoid doing housework. (Note to self: start saving to modify downstairs bathroom from half bath to 3/4 SOON!) Kris proceeded to inform me at 7am that he did not have a white shirt to wear and what was I going to do about it? Hmmm...well let me put it to you this way Kris, NOTHING! Holy smokes! I work at a STORE. I worked at a STORE just the night before. I worked at a STORE every weekend for the 6 months that he knew about this solo contest. So of course, Kris got upset and threatened not to go and I, of course, told him to get his butt downstairs and put on his faded, holey, Led Zeppelin shirt for all I care. The bus is leaving at 7:15. CHOP! CHOP! We pulled out of the driveway at 7:25 and proceeded on our way. Our Mapquest directions were a little unclear and I missed one of the turnoffs. As I'm turning around, Kris is yelling at me for forgetting where Lake Zurich High School is because we were just there a year ago. Do I really have to explain to a 16 year old that over 2 million facts entered my head in the past year and every time one fact entered my brain, something else fell out? Apparently, I did. So while he was screaming he would not be able to warm up, I turned the bus around and got myself on the right track. It was now 8:15. Kris was scheduled to be on stage and I was still a fair distance from the high school. Success, finally on route 22. Directions say turn on Church street. 3 miles down the road, it was clear once more that I missed Church street. How? I went backwards and saw no Church street. In desperation, I took the first right and miraculously found Church. We pulled up to the high school 3 minutes before showtime. I dropped Kris off and parked the car, ran to the entrance, stood in line forever to get directions to the classroom, and somehow made it. Kris did not do as well on his solo as he wanted but, the quartet was wonderful.
This week was an Anatomy test week and I was very busy memorizing muscles, 56 muscles originations and insertions AND actions. I found that hugely difficult. Generally, I look for patterns. There just weren't any and it took me quite a long time to get them into my head. Of course, the test only had 10 questions on that and 40 questions on the two chapters I didn't spend a lot of time on. ARGH!! Hematology and Cardiac care is just off my list of Nursing possibilities. Still waiting for the official bad news on this. I had an A going in. Will I still have an A at the end of the day??? I am seriously hoping my guesswork was in top form last night.
If you haven't done so, please vote for our Sarcoma awareness NASCAR! We're up to 1400 votes. Thank you so much!!!
Sarcoma NASCAR

PS: added Friday 3/19, I got an A on the Anatomy test. :) Maybe I'll put cardiac care and hematology back on the list...

Sarcoma Awareness ala Nascar

Toyota is sponsoring a contest. Vote on a Nascar design and the winning design stands to have their design made a reality. To promote Sarcoma Awareness, one of my friends designed a Sarcoma car laden with yellow ribbons, bearing the name of every child and adult fighting Sarcoma. We need votes to bring attention to this cause. If this is a cause you can get behind, please vote every day and forward this link to everyone you can.
Sarcoma Nascar

Studyin Science

When I went to college the first time, I was a liberal arts major, focusing on history, literature and psychology with some smatterings of science classes that I took during my half hearted attempt at pre-medicine. Science and I did not get along. I hated the thought of labs. Chemistry gave me the chills. Twenty years later, I find myself immersed in learning the various systems of the body and studying life. A few weeks ago, we studied the Theory of Evolution. I realize it's a hot button topic for some especially when it comes to man and his role. Yesterday, my son asked me if I was a Creationist or an Evolutionist and mentioned that if I was an Evolutionist, it meant that I was not a true believer in God. There are some that feel that Science dispels all evidence of God but I'm of the school that Science does no such thing. I don't even see how the two can be separated. One created the rules. One attempts to explain the rules. Life is amazing! Life is a miracle in every sense of the word. It is so perfectly put together. Every cell, every plant, every animal, has a place in the world, a function, a reason to be here. Everything is related and if one element of a system is out of balance, the entire system and every element in it suffers. My textbook theorizes life began with one cell. My textbook also cannot explain how that cell got here and makes no attempt to do so. From that cell, came the fish, the flowers, the birds, the reptiles, the amphibians, and we humans. We are one. We are connected. That cell differentiated into cells that adapt to life in cold weather, life in the tropics, life in the ocean, life on land, life in high altitudes, life in the desert, life everywhere that life exists. The odds of that happening anywhere is a billion to one. How can anyone look at Science and say, there is no Creator? Yes, as perfect as life is, really unspeakable things happen. Our perfect Creator did not create a perfect world. I don't think the world was meant to be perfect. The world was meant to be exactly as it is and we, who all came from one single cell, who are all together on this planet after morphing into what we came to be, are all in this together to solve the problems that exist here. We will never prevent an Earthquake or tornado but as a community we can blunt the effects. We cannot affect the bad choices that another person makes but we can make good choices of our own that may counter the bad ones.
Studyin Science...studyin God... same thing.

About Brivanib..

I've had the pleasure of talking with a few people who stumbled across the blog looking for information about Brivanib so this entry is a repeat for many as I wanted to post an update on this drug trial.

I started the trial on Jan 14, 2009. My official diagnosis is Malignant Peripheral Nerve Sheath Tumor, low to intermediate grade with mets to the lung. MPNST is a form of Sarcoma. I'm in the Phase 2 trial at U of C. For 12 weeks, I was guaranteed to be on the drug for 12 weeks and then was randomized to either the placebo or the actual drug. Initially, the side effects I experienced were light headedness within 15 minutes after taking the drug, thirst (I craved water), fatigue, and weight gain. I gained weigh rapidly, at least 20 pounds in 2 months but, if given the choice between a growing butt and a growing tumor, there really is no contest. The first 12 weeks, I saw initial tumor shrinkage and growth to one of the nodules. After randomization, I was put on the placebo. No, I don't know this for a fact but I experience no side effects on the pills I am taking. I have been stable since March of last year with nothing new and no growth which is wonderful!!! I can't vouch for what anyone else experienced regarding side effects. I've heard of some nausea, some extreme tiredness, some shortness of breath, some increased blood pressure, and some liver enzyme increases but none of those were things I experienced personally. Nutritionally, I follow a modified version of the Budwig protocol and add Vitamin D3 and DHA as supplements. I had been reading that Omega-3 fatty acids, especially DHA, are great cancer fighters and may act on my tumor. I don't eat anything with sunflower, safflower, vegetable or partially hydrogenated oils and spend more time than I have looking over ingredients before I buy or eat something. I like to think the combination of both my lifestyle changes and medications helped me. I don't mind being tapped for questions on anything and purposefully left my email and facebook available. Please use them if you want. One of the pluses to this cancer journey, is meeting all the cancer warriors out there embroiled in the battle.
This concludes this Brivanib update :)

I PASSED MY CNA EXAM!!! The first little leg of the journey to Nursing school is complete. I feel a little sense of accomplishment as the class I took jammed a semester worth of information into 8 weeks and I passed! Congratulations to the rest of my classmates as they all did as well! We were the Super class! I have an Anatomy Test tonight that I am now stressing over. After four class periods of bones and bones and more bones oh...and a few joints, I'm being tested on all that tonight. Can I remember Symphoses and how they differ from Synchondroses, Synarthrosis and Synovial? Can I remember which bone the greater and lesser tubercle resides on and what bones make up the pectoral girdle? We'll see!
Registration for the Summer session is coming up very quickly and I'm debating something. My intent was to take Physiology and take the NLN sometime in September. My original goal was to apply for the Spring 2011 start of Nursing school. Now, I'm rethinking this. Whereas I do intend on taking a Summer class, I don't know if it's a good idea to rush Physiology. My application to Nursing school will be based on how I do in Anatomy, Physiology and the NLN exam. Do I really want to race through Physiology in the Summer with backyard BBQ's, nice weather, distractions upon distractions or should I wait until the Fall? Right now, I'm leaning towards "wait until Fall" and take Chem 101 over the Summer which like Bio 101 will serve as a refresher to score higher on the NLN. This would bump the Nursing start date to Fall of 2011, a full 8 months later than planned which isn't horrible. The down side to that plan however, is AT&T. Last week, one of my friends notified me that his AT&T center located in Mesa, AZ, is closing. What this may mean for me moving forward, is unknown. But Ma Bell has not finished her cuts yet. I have two weeks to make a decision and will take any suggestions.

I need a babysitter for a smarty pants 16 year old and a snotty 15 year old who proved over the weekend that they are not fit to be home by themselves. As I study, I am digging out of the wreckage after the wars that occurred here over the weekend. MOM is not happy with her ducklings. My kids are like our current deadlocked Congress. Neither of them will budge and inch on anything and nothing got done. I have no clean clothes and neither do any of the kids. When I asked why it did not get done as I asked my son looked at me square in the eye and said, "Laziness!" At least he was honest. That's good, right? When I asked my daughter why there was a sink of dirty dishes, I was told that the dishwasher did not get done washing dishes until 3pm. Bold faced LIE! I started the dishwasher before I left for work at 9am. Called them on that and the stammering and hems and haws abounded which only fueled the ire. SIGH! I just have no words for all this. On their Spring Break, they will do all this and oh so much more under my supervision or they will be giving up FUN for Lent and beyond! It's not so much the cleaning that is so tiresome. It's just disappointing that with all that is going on, my kids have not been part of the solution. Well... I guess I'll just have to live with the smeared jelly on the couch, living out of the laundry basket, and deal with the no clean towel problem for a little bit longer. This deadlocked congress isn't going to undeadlock any time soon.

TELL 10 PEOPLE ABOUT SARCOMA DURING THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY!
Sarcoma, a rare cancer of the Connective tissues and bone of which FEW treatment options exist. Let's try to generate some awareness for this cancer. Please tell 10 people about it.

I'm still swimming down deep in the abyss and have not quite come up for air. I've been busy memorizing bones of the skeleton and learning about invertebrates, shoveling snow, dealing with upset stomachs and colds and work, lots and lots of work.

Last week, was my yearly performance review. I was a little nervous but expected that the review would be negative or lackluster. It was not quite negative and it was not quite positive. My boss simply said "You're heart isn't in your work." No, I guess it isn't. She and I had a very good discussion about my goals, what I hope to accomplish and left the discussion with a few things dangling. My future with AT&T is a wait and see though my heart is right now, trying to get through these classes and start nursing school. In the meantime, I've got a 1500 site deal to work on. Last week could also be described as "PUKE." I was up to my armpits in it. Emily threw up for two days. Kris threw up for two days and yesterday, Cassie threw up. She's feeling better. Nothing like a nice introduction to the Nursing world than a good dose of vomit but what can we do? It's flu season in Chicago. Last week can also be described as SNOW.. more snow... Believe me Vancouver, I'd send it to you if I could. We are so sick and tired of snow shoveling and falling on the old gluteus maximus (See I did learn something in Anatomy) on the ice on the driveway. Though we keep sending it Eastward, the States Westward keep sending us more. Please stop!

Valentine's Day... my take.. BAH HUMBUG! I'm like ol' Charlie Brown who peeks into the mailbox and says "HELLOOOOOO in there! there! there! there!" RATS! I worked at Big Box Mart on V-Day and nothing remotely romantic crossed my belt that day. Plenty of somewhat romantic things crossed my belt on Friday night. KY jelly, his and hers, red undies, Vagi-ring (whatever the blazes that is), vibrating condoms, and briefs with big old hearts were sold to the young and um to the very old. Believe me, sometimes, I would look at some of the people buying these things and the pictures in my mind were terrifying! and in about 6 weeks, I'll be selling lots of pregnancy tests and then in November, lots of diapers. Happens every year. Moving on..

Clinic today. Nothing exciting. Another blood test. BP is fine. I ruined another tree by peeing in a plastic cup, oh wait...nevermind. Scans are in March. I am feeling a bit on edge about these scans but then again, I haven't really looked forward to any of them. In Sarcoma land today, I got wind of 4 relapses, all kids. It takes the wind out of my sails a little. It's hard enough to be an adult and live with the uncertainty, it's another for the kids and even worse for their moms who hope for the best but fear the worst. Children are like Adam and Eve before the apple. Innocently, they keep moving forward, somewhat unaware of the gravity of the situation and parents eyes are opened and they know they are naked and they are afraid. I pray for them all and hope someday I can do more.

CNA exam was last Thursday. Some of it went well. Some questions were so .....STUPID that they could only have been written by the state of IL. For example: You are helping a nurse with intake duty. What would you do to acclamate a new resident to his new environment
a) show him the call button
b) tell him the names of all the CNA's and nurses.
c) tell all your coworkers about the new resident
d) let him take a walk around the grounds by himself.

Is it my imagination or do all these choices SUCK!? These are old people who may not be able to walk or have CRS (can't remember sh--). Our book mentioned we should escort them and give them a tour..but oh well. Everyone I talked to had a different opinion of what the answer was. I'll find out in a few weeks if I passed.



Finally, I'm saying a very huge public thank you to Nonalee. It moved me to tears...and I hate crying in public. Thanks for being such a good friend to me for the past 25 years.

Odds and ends

The days are blurs. Anatomy is in full force. Biology is in full force. The children are arguing and of course only minimally helpful and life is cruising along. My first Anatomy test was this past Wednesday. As the grade I get in Anatomy and Physiology is a huge determining factor of whether or not I am accepted into Harper's nursing program, there was absolutely not one shred of pressure to do well on the test. As it was the first test, I didn't have a clue what I should study and my teachers study guide pretty much indicated every chart, diagram, clinical view and sentence as important. I spent 3 days immersed in the text book, memorizing charts, processes, diagrams, and terminology. One of my biggest fears as I read was that all this work that I was doing would lead to mediocre results. I experienced that this year with my full time job when I spent 12, 13, 14 hours doing work and received a less than stellar review. I don't like to waste time anymore. My tummy was in knots when I entered the auditorium. My classmates were cramming last minute facts into their head. I opted not to. I pulled out my pencil with a nice eraser and sat there and waited. I reminded myself I studied hard. I reminded myself to read every question thoroughly and think things through as I was queen of the stupid mistake in CNA class. I gave myself a little..."you can do this" pep talk. 50 questions, all multiple choice. After I answered the first 10 I thought to myself "Hmmm" this isn't too hard. When I turned in the test, I was fairly confidant that I did fairly well. There were a few questions that I had to think about and as usual got "sternum" and "scapula" mixed up in my brain. I do not know why I do that. But don't worry. If I ever have to give anyone CPR, I won't be pumping on their shoulder blade. Since all of the tests are graded via Scantron, my teacher had everything graded by the time I had Lab and informed everyone the average grade was a 68%. EEEEKKK... He called each of us up individually to get our test grades. I got a 94%. WOOHOO!!! But my work is hardly done. I am immersed in the book studying the bones of the Axial skeleton and HOLY MOSES is it a LOT OF BONES!

On each of our tables in Wednesdays lab, was a box of skulls. No, they weren't the plastic kind. They were real human skulls. I had often wondered how I would handle working with a former human in a classroom setting. My job was to find the bones listed on my lab sheet on the real human skull which I did without spending much time wondering who these 5 human skulls belonged to and what kind of life they led. If I did that, I might not have gotten through the lab.

Kris and Cass brought their grades home. Cass did fairly well for her first Semester in high school. I remember completely bombing out my first semester in high school. New atmosphere. Harder material. More drama. Didn't really know how to study. Despite that, Cass pulled a 3.0. Kris, well, his lack of motivation once again shined through in his grades. He received C's on all his finals after studying maybe 30 minutes. Imagine what he could have done if he had actually studied longer or actually cared enough to try and get higher than the bare minimum. Kris is a bare minimum kid. He does just enough to get by and thinks that is all it's going to take for success. In April, my number one son will take his ACT. I bought software so that he can learn words, practice Math, practice reading and downloaded it to his computer. In April of last year, he took an ACT practice test and got a 25. Because of this, he decided that he does not have to study because DePaul University, where he would like to finish his undergraduate, requires a 22 minimum score on the ACT. Since he scored a 25 on a practice test, he feels that satisfies the requirement. Now he spends his days playing Cake Mania on WII. OH MY LORD..WHAT DID I DO WRONG???

Back to the books. Maybe if they see me study, they'll be motivated to study. RIGHT!!

Back to School!

After a wonderful week with nothing to do except a lot of laundry and cleaning, things are back to the new normal. I'm back in class and the house looks like Port Au Prince. It's so good to be existing in chaos once more. I missed it for those few days, well not really. I was digging sitting on the couch downstairs watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" while folding laundry that hasn't been done since the start of the CNA class. My first class, Biology, started Jan 19th. Not the best day as I had to go downtown for the tri-weekly blood draw and clinic visit. As what usually happens when I'm in a huge hurry, Crook County decided that it was a fine day to shut down two lanes on the Eisenhower Expressway to fill potholes. T-4 hours to class and I'm inching along wondering what in the blazes all these people are doing on the highway at noon. Don't they have jobs??? Waiting for bloodwork took hardly any time at all. VICTORY! The wait in Oncology was the usual. DEFEAT! Ugh! I had to be out of there by 3 no later. I watched the hands on my watch tick tick tick. Finally, they call my name but only to tell me that the NP was in a meeting and would be back after 2:30. No..sorry. I just can't wait. They put the page into the clinical trial nurse. I turned in my med diary. Told him I had nothing to report and I was on my way. I paid for parking and decided to go to the bathroom before I left as I knew there would be no time to go home for any length of time. As it usually takes 15 minutes to retrieve the car, I figured I had time. WRONG! Bathroom closed for cleaning by the slowest male sanitation engineer in the history of Earth. A line conglomerated outside while he changed toilet paper rolls. 10 minutes later, he allowed the line to clear before proceeding further. THANKS! Of course, my car was waiting out front. Of course, I couldn't go anywhere because the valet had my keys. Of course I had to wait and then was LECTURED by the valet for not being there and he was busy and had things to do. GRRRRRRR!!!!!! I could have given him a few words and reminded him about where he was working exactly. The DCAM at the U of C is not a clinic for those with the flu, a cold, an inner ear infection, a normal pregnancy, diseases that can be cured easily. As the word Center for ADVANCED MEDICINE would imply, those of us who are seen there, have medical issues that confound and challenge Dr's and some of those patients DON'T FEEL WELL. But that's ok. I was in too much of a hurry to educate the Valet on the patients he was serving and their needs. I grabbed my keys and left.....and sat.......in traffic....all the way to the suburbs. An accident, not even on my side of the highway, 20 miles from where I was inching along, gummed up the works. I made it to class with 2 minutes to spare. I am taking a basic Biology course. I don't have to but as the NLN exam, the Nursing school entrance exam, tests us on basic Biology and I haven't had a Biology class since before my classmates were born, I figured it would be wise to review, hence, BIO101. It's a little out of place with BIO160, Human Anatomy, but it's a perfect non-major class that will teach me about Arthropods and plant parts which are all covered on this entrance exam. Thus ends the first day of class. My classmates avoid me. Yes, I know this. Some snicker. Some look at me oddly curious as if to say, I didn't realize we'd have a living breathing example of a fossil sitting in class with us. I am waiting for the boy scouts to come help me cross the street. Occasionally, I catch someone middle aged walking through the buildings but even in my Anatomy class, there is a shortage of middle aged students returning to school. I found I had little to talk about with my lab partner. I have every confidence I'll carve out a place for myself eventually and get used to sharing knowledge with kids slightly older than Kris in a non-mom role. My Bio teacher/professor/instructor also teaches at the Chamberlain College of Nursing and told me that most of the students there are moms returning to school. Hmmmmm.
When I went to college the first time, I was the world's biggest procrastinator. So many other things were so much more fun to handle, bars on Fridays and Saturdays and Sundays and any other day in between, finding Mr. Right, yakking with the roomie till all hours, cranking the Calculus Professor at 3am because I was angry he was sleeping and I was studying for a dumb test and doing all those other stupid college tricks. In some areas, I still am the big distracted procrastinator. But, so much is riding on me doing well in this Anatomy class that I surprised myself when I opened the book weeks before the night before the test, and started to study and memorize. Yes, there are different challenges this time. Emily keeps grabbing my book. Kris and Cassie erupt in loud arguments OFTEN. The cat (any one of the 6) sits on my lap. There is loud blaring GOD AWFUL whatever the heck kinda music Cassie listens to coming from the radio upstairs. Every other second I hear the word "MOM!" But despite that, I learned some things last night. I bought a pocket Anatomy guide that I keep where it belongs, in my pocket. At work yesterday and when it was slow, I memorized the abdominal quadrants, the directional terms and the planes. I did my homework for Bio DAYS before it was actually due. There is hope for me yet :)

One year ago today....

Jan 14 is a relatively innocuous day. It's not a holiday or a presidents birthday. It's not usually a day off of school and is a day that generally goes unnoticed, a normal work day or school day. For me it was the day I started the Brivanib trial at the University of Chicago. I guess it was a kind of birthday for me, an entrance, a beginning. One year ago today, I was officially back in treatment. "Back in treatment" as if the first time wasn't enough.. The first time, there was a definitive ending. This time, there isn't. It ends when the nodules go away and disappear. How long will that take? weeks, months, years, never. It's anyone's guess. One year ago today, I couldn't even fathom what Jan 14, 2010 would be like or even IF there would be a Jan 14, 2010. Cancer patients cannot usually look farther than the next scan. Some patients can't look farther than the next day. We have lost the novelty of using such wonderful terms such as "Next year" or "Next anything". We battle on and try to live normally, ever conscience of the bombs going off. The disease is a reminder to make as much of time as possible and here I am one year later, happy that I've been granted the ability to talk about "last year". On Jan 14, 2009, I met Cathy, a group leader for Gilda's Club, a cancer support group that meets on Wednesdays. I had stumbled upon the group while looking for a comfy chair to park myself and read in between blood draws. (Cancer patients have learned not to go anywhere without a book, knitting or a magazine) After a discussion about healing, I had made mention of how far from the mark I am. Cathy had said "Sometimes, when you're in the Labyrinth, it may seem as if you are closest to the exit and it is usually then that you are really the farthest away and vice versa." Never give up hope. In the labyrinth of life, while caught deep in the puzzle of it all, you may find a point where you think that you are farthest away from the exit but really what you may have found is a vision of the clearest and most direct path out. I'm not sure I have reached that point yet. I see no clear exit from cancer. I'm not sure it even exists. But, what I have gotten a vision of after one year on this trial, is a different path out, a different vision of what OUT is. OUT for me may never be a complete remission but rather a different perspective or point of view. OUT, is finding my dreams and finding a way to live them....
One of my dreams is finding my way to Jan 14, 2011 and once again discussing "last year".

St. Baldrick's Foundation

St. Baldrick's is one of many foundations whose aim it is to fund research into childhood cancers by sponsoring a Shave-A-Thon. Shavee's will shave their heads to raise money for childhood cancer research. For more information on how to donate or participate, please visit the website: St. Baldrick's

or visit these shavee's
http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/participantid/364998 - Jessie
http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/participantid/364773 - Nicole
http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/participantid/361361​ - Tiffany

Emily.

Today, for the first time all year, I am not scheduled at Big Box Mart on a Saturday. I didn't ask for the day off but I'm not upset I'm not there today. Whereas I really need the hours, I also really need to clean. We never picked up much after New Years Eve and the house looks like we've had several more parties since then. Anticipating that I would get to sleep in, I settled in for a long winters nap and was awakened at 6:30am by Emily who pulled all the covers off me in an attempt to wake me up. Em is offended when she is up and no one else is and does her darndest to rectify the situation whenever she can. After I set her straight, I rolled over and closed my eyes and when I was just about to doze off, I heard a huge crash in the kitchen. One of my kittens crawled into the cupboard and knocked over the backup fishbowl. Gave up. Sleep is just not in the cards today. I guess it's just as well. It's going to take hours to find my house again which is why I'm sitting here on my computer planning how I'm going to attack the dirt, plotting the demise of dinge. It's a fine life! IF Emily remains a good girl today, she and I will go to Walmart and spend some of her Christmas money and then we will go see Alvin and the Chipmunks, her reward for being somewhat good this week. I have learned that with Emily, "being good" is a term that is relative. What is "Being good" for Cassie or Kris is not necessarily attainable for Emily so if she exhibits some sort of self retraint. If she does what I tell her to do after I tell her 3 times instead of the usual 50 over two days, that's being good. If she goes 10 minutes without being purposefully irritating and annoying, that's being good. If she is able to sit at a table and eat for 5 minutes instead of the usual never, that is being good. My daughter, Cassie, who is a black and white thinker, does not understand that shades of gray exist and insists that I hold Emily to the same standards I hold her. It's impossible to explain to a 15 year old, the nuances of raising a behaviorally disordered child. Emily is a real teaching tool. She is my daughter but she is a living, breathing, teachable moment. Active, smart, funny, and interesting, there is never a dull moment with her. But on the other side of the coin, the child has a gift. She could rouse up and annoy a Saint in five minutes or less. There are days when I count down the hours before her "father" comes to pick her up and take her for a weekend and I breathe a huge sigh of relief that there is now some peace and quiet. There are weeks her behavior has us so on edge, we yell and scream at eachother because we live in endless frustration that Emily lives outside of the rules of proper behavior and decorum and cares nothing about consequences. She challenges every fiber of my being. She tests me every day and there are days, I flunk BIG TIME and lose my cool and scream at her. She's like an annoying mosquito and it feels good to swat sometimes. But, she challenges me to be patient. She challenges me to look at her little successes because they are really GREAT BIG successes. Over the Summer, a family moved next door with 4 kids, one Emily's age and is in Emily's class. They formed a fast friendship and Em loves going over there but, I learned very fast that Emily cannot handle all that stimulation for long and an hour is about all she can handle before she starts to act out. A couple months ago, Emily was sent home and told not to come back for awhile. Of course, Em lied about what occurred, but from what I could gather, she and her friend got into a fight and Emily punched her. I felt hugely embarrassed. But I was also devastated for Emily, for losing her friend. I worried that all her friendships from here on out would be tainted with this strife and that my daughter, who has such miniscule self control, will spend much time alone or be the class outcast. Growing up is hard. For Emily, it will be harder. We had a discussion about hitting and punching and kicking. It sunk in part of the way, she doesn't hit her friend anymore, she hits her sister and brother though, often. I guess that's progress. Emily's working diagnosis is ADHD and ODD. ODD stands for Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a clinical version of "My child doesn't listen." No child listens but most children care when things are taken away or thrown away. Not Emily. Doesn't care a lick.
So my living, breathing, teachable moment, challenges me to be UBER patient, watch my mouth which is hard for me because I have a big one, delight in the little things, find some routine and order in my house when I have a child whose middle name may as well be CHAOS, gain control of me, and teach her. It's a hard, hard thing to do when you have 2 jobs, 2 other kids, and no real time support. Nevertheless, Emily earned a trip to the movie today. We've been working on this for two months now and she finally did it. They tell me it gets easier. I just can't wait!

On another note, my CNA class has ended though there is one final clinical tomorrow. This first phase of my get into Nursing school plan has successfully been completed or will officially when I take the state certification on Feb 11. The second phase is now about to start. Anatomy....that class that has remained closed and locked tight, is finally on my schedule. I was absolutely obsessive about checking the college website for an opening. On Tuesday, I noticed that classes had begun to open up that had previously been closed. As I need to take an entrance exam that includes Biology and Chemistry and Physics, I decided it might be wise to beef up my knowledge. I signed up for previously closed Bio 101 on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 4:00pm. Two slots had opened up for certain sections of Anatomy, one at a time I absolutely could not take it and one other on a time I might have been able to manage with some planning. As I hit the register button, I received an error that the class is closed. Someone beat me to it. But that was not a tragedy in the least. Yesterday, I was able to register for one of the sections I had hoped for. The class meets on Monday and Wednesday night from 6-7:10 on Mondays and 6-9:05 on Wednesdays. PERFECT!! Doesn't interfere with Ma Bell. Doesn't interfere with my Big Box Mart schedule and is nearby so I'll be home fairly early and will be alert enough to review. Sometimes, I think this path is blessed. I've gotten everything I wanted and prayed for and for that I am thankful beyond words and humbled.
Now, I'm off to battle the bilge...

Hello 2010

Time is your greatest advisor. Time will tell you if you can waste your life
in illusion and fantasy thoughts, dwelling over past regrets and future
apprehensions. Just ask time, and time will point out that there are no survivors.
---A Spiritual Warrior

Time has been referred to as a gift from God. On Dec 31, every year, we review the past year: the mistakes, the successes, the failures, the good times and the bad times, the periods of great joy and the periods of great sadness. We consider resolutions to fix what we may have done wrong or do what we didn't do. In periods of great stress and sadness, it's normal to want to set the clock back and start over from the beginning but we can't. We have no choice but face whatever time brings us, head on until resolution and every situation does resolve itself, maybe not how we wanted but there is resolution. I had heard once that Time always seeks to try and "replace" what it took in some way. After losing a mother, a mother figure may emerge. When one door is closed, another, may open somewhere. In that which is taken, something else is given.

2009 took my security away when I was diagnosed with lung mets
2009 gave me a community of friends who I can support in their journey and support me

2009 took whatever financial stability I had.
2009 gave me a new view on what riches are.

2009 took away my life's aspiration with my current profession
2009 gave me a new profession to strive for and be excited about.

2009 took away everything I thought I wanted.
2009 gave me what I never knew I needed.

"Life is school", my grandfather always said. Life is meant to result in growth as is the passage of time. Who will we be without challenges? And though time results in many good-byes, it also results in hellos.. new friends, new jobs, new challenges, grandchildren, blessings, new attitudes, new priorities, new successes.....

Have a Happy, Healthy, 2010!

Goodbye 2009

Truth be told, New Years Eve is not my favorite holiday. Despite the fact that we always have a nice get together with lots of drinks, chips and dips, this is the holiday that I feel most on edge, as if one more year passed by without a notable accomplishment, as if one more year passed by without Prince Charming riding into my life on a white horse but mostly, it's a day of goodbyes as we say goodbye to a year and all it encompasses, the good, the bad, the unthinkable. The year 2009 has been a year of churn and change. It was a return to cancer treatment. BUt those two words began to mean much more. In those two words were a whole new world, a world that contained needles, drugs and Dr's but also a world of people, and patients, and others, and letting go of an old way of thinking, and embracing a new path, and working towards more treatment options for Sarcomas, and supporting others as they journied and saying hello to some new dear friends and unfortunately, saying goodbye to others that never should have left. So today, we commemorate the passage of time and say goodbye to the old year and unfortunately, friends.. This is a list of Sarcoma warriors who fell this year. Some are children. Some are adults. They were school kids, talented singers, brilliant writers, fathers, mothers, grandparents, budding scientists, artists, and philanthropists. As I read the writings of the families they left behind, they would give anything to turn back the clock to the last time they were able to hug their child or their mom, dad, grandparent or friend.
Goodbye:
Maura
Kevin
Jessica
Greg
Hannah
Derrick
Darrin
Savannah
Kayla
Amber
Marie
Zach
Victor
Sammie
Monique
Codi
Amy
Amanda M
Amanda K
Amanda L
Cullen
Katie
Josh
Darren
Michael
Sam
Laurren
Cody
Lisa
Margaret
Maddeson
Megan
Dennis
Jordan
Shane
Sally

And so a new year will begin tonight, time marches on... what will the new year bring?

Scans were stable. WHEWWWW!! As it's been 3 months since my last scan, I was especially nervous this time as imagination tends to run wild sometimes.
Class has been going well. My final is a week away! In a way, I'm happy the class will be ending but I'm sad too. I like the class. I like the teacher. I like my classmates. We've had some fun and after Jan 10, we'll be going on our separate paths whereever that may lead. This class was one of those little moments in life that by some alignment of stars, threw just the right people together, in just the right circumstances and created a really good memory but unfortunately, as nothing is permanent, this little life circle will close. I think every one of us has had several journey circles in our life that we look back on and think, wow! it was perfect and I had a really great time.

"It's something unpredictable but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life."

I haven't quite come up for air yet and I have much to accomplish these next couple days. Fortunately, I'm good under the gun and as I've always been a procrastinator, I've learned to live with my own dysfunction and carry on as normal. I usually do my Christmas shopping online. Last year, I deviated from that and decided to go to the store and shop. With me being me, I waited until Dec 23rd. I went out after working an 8 hour shift at Big Box Mart. It was blizzarding outside. The windchill was and I am not making this up, (as anyone who has ever survived a Chicago Winter can tell you)42 below!! THe wind was whipping. THe snow was blowing and there was me pushing a shopping cart through the icy parking lot with thin little gloves on that did nothing to protect my fingers from the cold. I had to continually go into the car to warm myself while putting all these items into my trunk. Then, I went home and unloaded everything into my garage, taking time out to unthaw my fingers as I unloaded, stayed up all night wrapping, and spent Christmas Eve cooking on 3 hours of sleep. AHH the holidays. This year, I did do my shopping online but due to class, much will be done the way I am used to, LAST MINUTE!!
I wish all my readers a safe and Merry Christmas!! Once again, my Christmas cards were never mailed...and I even had stamps this year but all of you, the seen readers and friends and the unseen silent supporters, are all in my thoughts. I hope to see some of you on New Years Eve!

PS..Please pray for stable scan results. Scans are tomorrow.

I am just writing to say that I'm still alive but, oh so busy!
THe CNA class is half done and sitting in class 4 hours a night for 3 nights a week is a little harder than I originally anticipated. I sailed through the first week, started getting a little tired during the second and now, on week 4, I am exhausted. For class, I needed to have a two step TB test. That required three trips to the County Board of Health to get squared away. I needed to run to the store and get pure white shoes and scrubs and today, I had to take a long drive to the Social Security Administration because dummy me misplaced my SS card. I am not concerned that it was dropped outside. I took it out of my wallet and put it someplace safe. Apparently it's someplace so safe, I can't find it but I do not get to complete my clinicals unless the school has a copy. I don't think I need to mention the running around that results from the Christmas season.
I haven't had a lot of time to write. I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving and for those that are celebrating CHRISTMAS, have a wonderful and enjoyable season.

I'm wishing a happy Hannukah to my Jewish friends.

When I come up for air, I'll write a longer update.
Scans are in two weeks.. EEK!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was going to try and write a brilliant essay on Thanksgiving, a listing of all I'm thankful for, lessons learned, and ups in the road to wellness. But, I am at the moment speechless. I can only write, A HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all the friends who check up on me, the visitors who take time out of their busy day to read about my mundane life and leave wonderful comments of support and all the silent readers. I appreciate all of you and you are all on my list of people to be thankful for.
God bless you now and always.

A little bump in the road.

Yesterday was registration day and the next step into my career change process. I need Human Anatomy and then a Physiology class as my last two pre-req's to apply for Nursing school at this particular Community College. I made sure I had all my registration materials by the computer. I practiced my login to the website. I set my alarm clock for extra early so I could make sure I was ready to register at 8am when the website opened. I did all this and much to my dismay found that every single session of Human Anatomy was full before registration officially opened. Perplexed, I called the registrars office and they explained that there was an early registration for some students but to check the website almost daily as a new pre-requisite had been added for that class and some of the students registered will find they are not eligible to take the class before the January start date, others will find that they can't find babysitting, will leave for personal issues, will change their mind, will find that they can't get the time off of work or drop for a myriad of other issues. Don't give up! she said. I won't say that I was wasn't a little....a lot disappointed but it also identified a problem in my get into Nursing school plan. I don't have a plan B. So, I made one. There are several routes I can take. I can apply for a Vocational school and become an LPN. There is a vocational school very close by. When I become a registered LPN, I can apply for a local Nursing schools bridge to RN program. If I am actively employed, my employer might even pay for it OR, I can apply to the local Nursing school which accepts students straight out of High School and immediately do a Bachelor of Science in Nursing right off the bat but that option costs A LOT! Nevertheless, I filled out a form for more info. If the RN test can be taken after the second year, I might be able to finish that program while working. That program is 3 years to the tune of 14K a year but the program outlined is excellent! THe third year is mostly clinical experience in many different settings, Psych, pediatric, general etc. RIght now, the plan is to try to wiggle into that Anatomy class but, I will have to look at the idea of Vocational school or even the very expensive school for Nursing and institute a plan B. My bad for not thinking of that. I was so certain that I could get into the class I needed and didn't think to apply at other nearby colleges just in case I couldn't. Live and learn.
So, the past two weeks has been a challenge. Sitting in class for 4 hours a night is no easy feat and as expected, even after all the conversations with the kids, there have been a few strike outs at the plate but it is better than the last time I went to class. Emily's father finished up paramedic school in June. While he was going attending classes, visits were missed, rescheduled, shortened all to our great inconvenience as we all planned outings, movies etc. that were more big kid oriented for the days that Em was with him and the older kids had to give up social life to care for her when he canceled. My ex told Kris and Cass he would pay them for their time when he canceled and of course, that never happened. My ex has ADHD, Anxiety disorder, and a Borderline Personality. Aren't you all glad that people like him are Paramedics?? But, he thanked me for my "flexibility" while he finished the 10 month program and offered to help me in any way he could while I started my journey. Here is how he "helps".
Me: I have class on Wednesday at 6 and EMily has a Dr. appt at 6. It's a med refill and she has to go. Can you take her? I'll drop her off at "daycare provider" and you can pick her up there.
HIM: I think so. Let me check with my boss. Maybe I can leave 30 minutes early. I'll get back to you.
On Wednesday at 3pm, he calls.
HIM: Sorry. My boss won't let me leave early today and since I was laid off for 6 months, I need the hours. Can you move her appointment to Saturday?
ME: I'll call and see if that's an option.
HIM: OK, Thanks call me back and let me know.
....HE hangs up...then calls back 2 minutes later.
HIM: Wait! Is this Saturday MY Saturday?
Me: No.
HIM: Can you move her appointments to MY Saturdays?
ME: *Sigh* nevermind. I"ll handle it.
HIM; OK.. Thanks. Remember, I'll help you out whenever. Just ask.
ME: Can you find a day where you can take her for a couple hours on M,T, Wed so that the kids can have a little break?
HIM: Sure but on Mondays I have work. ON TUesday, I have firehouse and on Wednesdays, we work late.
ME: OK.. thanks for helping out.
Yesterday, in my inbox, I received a little gem from his mom. Mind you, I like his parents but sometimes.....
THe email said:

"Kathy please do not burn yourself out or get sick (blogger note --ha ha ha ha!) because you know "Big Box Mart" will be asking you for more hours because of the Holidays plus your other things (blogger note: Other things is cancer). It wears thin after awhile of doing it all. Make the kids step up & clean up your house. There is no reason why they can't help out more when it comes to that. I think EM acts up at your house because she can't get the attention she needs because she was very good here on Friday & I even took her to Justice for Girls to try to find something for Thanksgiving & we didn't so she said okay lets go to "competing box store" & try. She picked out a outfit, tights & shoes & then we left there & I took her to Wendy's for a Jr Frosty she wanted to eat it at my house. Then after awhile she fell asleep in my arms. She told me the last weekend "Borderline ADHD, Anxiety ridden dad" had her that she likes going to Daddy house because they do things together & go places. So I think that is why she acts out alot because she is craving the attention & I know it is difficult for you to give it to her all the time because you are busy alot. I know you want this but it is only my opinion you should of waited til EM got alittle bit older. Please don't get yourself all upset by this note. I just feel for you because you will get burnt out & I feel sorry for EM because she has no structure at home. Who helps her with her homework & make sure that it is done? I am sorry I worry so much. Say hi to all.
"Emily's Grandma"

Note the offer in the email about helping me out. Oh wait! It's not there!
Note that Friday is Daddy's day with Emily and note who was taking care of her.
Note that my ex has her 4 days a month and I have her the other 27.

Can you hear me beating my head against a wall?