The holiday weekend was busy, thoroughly busy. Due to the economy, no one really left this area and Big Box Store was hopping. I was plopped in the garden center on Sunday and it was an absolutely perfect day. The sun was shining and it was cool and crisp and perfect for planting. I am NOT a gardener. Perhaps if I had a free moment, I could do well at it but for now, the only thing I am accomplished at growing is nettles and dandelions. Petunias are the only flower that I can't kill easily, so inspired by all the beautiful plants my customers were buying, a bought a hanging basket for my deck and some petunias for the front yard. I had a wonderful conversation with a customer about blackberry bushes and strawberry plants and when I redo my landscaping, am definitely going to set aside a small corner for some blackberries and strawberries, two of my absolute FAVORITE foods! Monday, I had a day off from both jobs and I accomplished much in procuring supplies for Cassie's big bash on June 6th. Balloons were ordered. Soda, ice tea, chips, and crackers were bought. Cassie picked out a graduation cake and I put in an order for some party trays from the local supermarket. Due to the fact that I am grill-less, I went shopping for a new one and will pick up this coming weekend. I once had a wonderful Weber grill but a certain little boy, who shall be nameless decided that crashing his bike into the grill was more efficient than actually using the brakes. The gas grill that came with this house when I bought it, houses a few wasps every year but is basically completely defunct and we are barbecuing hamburgers for this grad party.

I am feeling well and am enjoying the time off from med side effects and all the wonderful summer fruits and vegetables that have made great salads and juices and of course, snacks to be eaten raw. There is a small farmers market on Fridays at one of the local grocery stores. I think this week, I will take some time and meander over there for some lunch break fun.

Finally, Happy Birthday to my son who is 16 today. 16!!! I don't believe I'm old enough to have a 16 year old but there it is on his birth certificate. Kristopher born 5/27/1993 12:57am. 19 3/4 inches long. 6lbs 15oz. He was my smallest baby as he was born 3 weeks early. My girls were 8+ pounders. He was born on a perfect day. It was sunny. It was clear and crisp and of course, his timing was terrible. I was in downtown Chicago, 40 miles from home, at a PreNatal appointment having my final ultrasound. I was told to keep a full bladder. At 8 months pregnant, that was not hard. After my appointment, on the way to the car, my water broke. Thinking it was a consequence of being 8 months pregnant with a bladder the size of a thimble, no immediate bells rang until the trickle became a gush and there I was 40 miles from home, alone, wondering if I should go back in the hospital and casually mention to the Dr. that my water broke, or navigate noon traffic and go home and get my husband. I opted for the latter, forgetting it was Blues Festival weekend and most of the routes out of the city of Chicago were closed to through traffic. I arrived home, woke up sleeping hubby, packed a suitcase, and we navigated the traffic once again to the hospital which was located in downtown Chicago and darn near impossible to get to. 12 hours later, my son was born. He was so small, so cute, so perfect in every way. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. My face. It was like looking into a 20 year old mirror. When my son was older, my father pulled out some old home movies to show Kris what his mother looked like way back when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth. My son didn't quite understand that these were photos of me. He commented he did not remember doing those things. Today, that baby is 16. We have gone through a divorce, years of poverty, Kindegarten, grade school and Junior High, first steps, first teeth, first words, baseball, band, two moves, cabin trips, scrapes, cuts and bruises, appendicitis, a fever that reached 105 degrees, frustrations, joys, tears, anger, happiness, disappointment, and now hope for his future. In two years, the State will deem my son an adult. In my eyes, he will always be my baby.

Cinderella and the Ball

The biggest event in my daughters life this year, the 8th grade dance, finally came and alas, went last night. From the moment she came home from school, it was a complete flurry of activity from a set "I need to get ready" itinerary she had put in place this week. First, a shower. Must have clean hair frothed with Aussie styling mousse. She was very specific when she sent me to the store. It MUST be Aussie. No other kind will do. Check! Aussie procured. After her shower, she walked around with a towel on her head to make sure the mousse was set and her hair had just the right amount of crinkle. This is very important. We must not go to a dance without well crinkled hair. Second, must chatter on Facebook about upcoming dance. Who will give who a ride at what time. Where is the meet up? Some protestations because some of her posse were unreachable via Facebook and cell phone and it was just T minus 3 hours to the dance and she did not have their itinerary. One of her friends decided at the last minute that she did not like her shoes and went out to buy new ones. The fact that my daughter couldn't reach her for an hour was a HUGE problem. Third, bug mother to pick up 5 year old from daycare early as mother MUST have the coach ready to go by 6pm. Fourth, make sure she has digital camera charged and ready to go. OH NO!! WHERE IS CAMERA??? That spewed 15 minutes of nastiness while she ran around trying to keep the towel on her head for that well crinkled hairdo, while tossing pillows and clothing around trying to find where she left it. "Try the bathroom", I said. 30 seconds later, she emerged with camera. Fifth, contact friend across the street and make sure she comes to do her makeup as promised. Friend calls back and says she is working and won't be home until 6pm. OH NO!! That won't do at all. The coach MUST leave port at 6pm. Well, I said, "Do your own makeup." Mother receives a nasty look for the suggestion. Sixth, bug mother that it is now 4:30, T minus 90 minutes to departure, and mother has not yet left to pick up annoying little sister. Mother sighs, finishes what she is doing and leaves to pick up 5 year old from daycare. When mother returned, she walked into a hornets nest because Cinderella's bangs did not crinkle like she wanted and she was upset her hair did not come out as envisioned. Furthermore, her friend was not back from buying shoes and it is now T minus 45 minutes to departure. Seventh, practice walking in high heeled shoes. Eigth, picture time! Snap at mother for wanting to take a few pictures before the dance because she is off schedule due to the hair, makeup and shoe problem. As she wanted her memory card clear for the dance, we also had to schedule time to upload the photos to the computer. 6:10, Cinderella enters the coach and the coachman drives the girls to the meet up point. They are the first to arrive. Coachman drops them off and tells them she will pick them up at 10 before the coach turns into a pumpkin.

Last, dance, smile, remember, cry. The 8th grade year is complete. Some friends will be going to different schools next year. A new phase of life begins in August.

I forgot to mention what a beautiful day it was in Chicago yesterday. As I was driving to U of C, my daughter was on the Spirit of Chicago cruising Lake Michigan and enjoying the incredible view from out there. Cassie took the photo above and she is quite proud of it.

Her dance is today and she is raring to go. Pictures later.

Grace (Brivanib - Week 18)

Grace is the only word I can think of that summarizes today.

Today marks the 18th week of the Brivanib trial and another journey downtown to find out recent scan results and receive another two bottles of either Brivanib or Placebo. As I'm 99% sure I am not on the Brivanib due to the absence of light headedness, fatigue and thirst, I was not sure which way I wanted the results to go. 6 more weeks on placebo means nothing grew. A return to Brivanib means that things did grow. As I was markedly nervous, I was trying to self talk myself into seeing the positive side of both scenarios. If things grew and I was on placebo, I would return to a drug that I knew was working. But what if things were now really far gone? What if that pain in between my shoulder blades wasn't due to sitting in my office chair 12 hours a day and then hauling bottled water and 40lb bags of dog food on the weekends? What if it was really due to ....CANCER! After scaring myself for 40 miles, I felt like I was taking the Kobayashi Maru After a short jaunt to Infusion Therapy for bloodwork and vitals (BP and heart rate were elevated due to scanxiety) and a 90 minute wait in the Dr.'s office, my Dr. entered the room with my file and said "So, you're sure you're taking the placebo?" "Absolutely!" I said, "That is definitely not the Brivanib. I feel no side effects at all." "Well" he said "The reason I'm asking is because there is absolutely no change from the last scan. They are interchangeable. Nothing new. Nothing grew." I was stunned... stability for 6 weeks without the study drug!!! Now, I am aware that the file hasn't been opened and I don't know for 100% sure that I am not on the Brivanib but unless my body figured out in one day how to tolerate the Brivanib with absolutely NO side effects, I'm on the posers. I have been managing my disease with nothing but a nutritional protocol. My Dr. told me whatever it is I'm doing to keep doing it and that he'd see me in 3 weeks. WOW WOW WOW!! I said thank you to GOD over and over and over. Grace. Pure Grace today and all that juicing and drinking green stuff, all those salads, fresh fruits and grains on top of all those Omega 3 fatty acids, may be working. So now I have a new what if. What if all those tumors are TERMINATED! What if I kept coming at them until they were DEAD DEAD DEAD! Or what if, I just got lucky. Whatever it is, I am taking it and I'm running with it and I'm adding more prayer and more green juice! Here's to you Sarcoma fighters!! The next round of grapes and spinach salads is on me. Thank you, God!

Tomorrow is my eldest girls 8th grade dance. I think it's time to take that digital camera that is still sitting in a box in my closet, out for a photo shoot. Her 8th grade year is coming to a close and though she is excited, she is sad too. The next phase of her life begins in Fall. In two years my oldest child, my son, will be 18. How quickly the time flew. As they grow, I want more and more to have the power to stop time. The moments they are going to be with me are growing fewer and fewer and whereas I am hopeful for their future, there's a part of me that doesn't want to give up the current mother role of caretaker. Our relationship will change more than it already has. I'm no longer mommy. I'm "Oh MOther" or "GEEZ MOM!" or "ALRIGHT I WILL ALREADY, MOM!" or "I KNOW MOM!!" As a mother, I am conscious of the precious moments. As a cancer patient, I am aware that I no longer have the luxury of believing I have all the time in the world. The lesson of the last 6 weeks is that I spent too much time in the what if's. I was researching new trials before I was even done with this one. I forgot that to enjoy my kids, my life and all its challenges, I really need to stay in this one moment, this "RIGHT NOW" as much as I can and avoid living in tomorrow or next year and in too many what if's.

For all my friends and family, the Sarcoma community and all others going through Cancer.

Today I feel very uneasy. It's one more day to the six week CT scan of which I will find out results next Wednesday. One more Sarcoma friend dropped out of the brivanib trial last week due to growth and when this happens, I over empathize. I feel disappointment, anger, frustration, fear, and insecurity. I've invested 18 weeks into Brivanib and I want to see success for me, for everyone on the drug and for the Sarcoma Community in general. Any failure of treatment, any death, is unacceptable to me and I want it to stop DAMMIT! NOW! Billions and billions and billions of dollars spent on the "War on Cancer" and we will more than likely have a man walk on Mars before we figure out how to kill a cell. I know eventually, I will be looking for another trial or will have surgery. I started discussing the next steps with my Oncologist 3 weeks ago. But, as I'm not officially out of this trial yet, it was just a "what if" discussion. Sometimes, I wonder if this was the best course. Maybe I should have gone to a surgeon right off the bat but, I am helping Science and I am helping the Sarcoma community by testing this drug and Lord knows I'm still strong and healthy and like Elsa, can contribute something to posterity by being a pioneer in new therapies. Lord knows Sarcoma patients need them. So onward despite some fears and trepidation and I'll pretend I'm Lewis and Clark on a perilous but rewarding journey navigating unknown territory. They survived and surviving is something I'm good at.

It was a long night last night. I worked my second job and was home shortly after 11. My son was still up worried because one of his friends ran away from home and he was on the phone with the boys parents and the police trying to help them determine where his friend had gone. As I was not quite done with the workload from the first job, I stayed up with him working while he stayed up pacing. When we received no word by 1am, I sent him to sleep and he woke up this morning sick as a dog. His missing friend is fine. He called this afternoon to let him know he is OK. My son didn't fare as well and seems to have come down with the headache, fever, fatigue and crabbiness that I had on my most recent nickel and dime day.

Today, I finally got to the grocery store and just in time. My fridge is vacant and the kids didn't have much to make their lunches with. After I finished checking out and was about to pay, a lady behind me handed me a coupon for $10 off the purchase. This seemingly insignificant action has HUGE HUGE significance for me. As I've alluded to, I work at a retail store as a cashier on the weekends. This store accepts coupons and I am a coupon clipper. Every week, I clip the coupons out of the Sunday paper and whatever internet coupons I can find. But as I do not use ALL the coupons in the paper, I clip them out anyway and I bring them to work with me and use them on my customers. It's only a dollar or two but it seems to brighten days especially amongst those on food stamps and with small kids in tow. This was a gift and I felt it was a small sign that the universe hears me and Someone is watching over me after all.

Now that I am over my whine, I am thinking very clearly and am not happy about my little rant here on Friday. I went to bed early on Friday and woke up to a beautiful day the next day, feeling much better. Friday was a bad day and I need to remind myself that I am in control of my life though sometimes, it seems that it is in control of me and the nickels and dimes in my pocket sometimes feel a lot heavier than the stack of dollar bills but though they are heavier, they are worth far far less than their weight would suggest. I need to be mindful not to let the nickels and dimes in my life, dwarf those things that are truly important. For every problem, I can choose my perspective.
Broken oven - Solution: learn lots of stove top creations and go to Home Depot and finally spend all my gift cards on a new grill. Yes, I could use those towards a stove but in July, I have CD coming due that I set aside for unnamed home improvements. I will use on my bedroom and new stove. I want to buy the model I actually want.
High Cell Phone bill - Solution: Teach daughter a lesson by shutting off text capability and have her work off the bill.
Job woes - Solution: Updated resume and am looking for a perfect opportunity that I might like better while doing my best at the current job. My ultimate goal is to return to school but now is not the best time. I can take some online classes if I need to.
Money Problems - Solution: Accept that they will always be there. I am getting by though not as comfortably as I would like to. I will finally make that phone call and come up with a payment plan. As this clinical trial continues, there will be more bills coming in. I have unrealistic expectations of myself that I can pay them all off at one time.

As one very dear friend told me, it will all work out. I feel well and I am grateful for that. My largest tumor is a little more than a cm and I have been remarkably stable. My health is the most important thing. All the other problems are nothing compared to that and I apologize for my rant on Friday. I try not to wallow in self pity for very long.

This week is CT scan week. As I have been on the placebo all these weeks, I have some fears regarding the results. I am hoping things did not get much worse. The upside to that is that they will take me off the poser pills and put me back on the drug until that stops working or destroys the tumors. I am hoping for the latter.

MOther's Day was nice. I worked my second job and enjoyed talking to my customers and coworkers. When I got home, Kris had made me a power point slide show and he and Cass cleaned my room and put the laundry away. Emily returned home from her weekend visit with a bouquet of red roses that she chose for me and was so proud of. They are in my kitchen far far away from my cat Tasha who found the green leaves delicious and knocked over the vase 2 times. After I moved them so it was inconvenient for her to chow on them, Kris knocked them over while trying to get a drinking glass out of the cupboard. Oddly enough, they mysteriously toppled yesterday while no one was in the room. I saw no cat streak from the kitchen wet from water. Amusing.

Life in the mundane

I have a virus, just an ordinary virus that is resulting in a HUGE HUGE headache and a temperature. I can hardly complain because it is such a relief to have something so ordinary and non threatening. Last Friday, I went to a local market for produce. I saw a woman shopping. Her hair was completely covered in plastic. She was wearing latex gloves and a medical mask and before touching her grocery cart, she sprayed it with Lysol and wiped it down with a disinfectant. She avoided all the Mexican workers in the store like the plague going out of her way to walk around them keeping her distance as far as she possibly could. I chuckled a bit at this fear of flu. I would swap the tumors for a bout with a virus any day, even swine flu.

At work this morning, I was hammered about statistics. I work in purchasing and we measure quality by how long it takes from a request to order to when the purchase order is actually cut and with the vendor. We have tools that we use but since July 07, I've been working an account that is not yet defined in our tools. We established a manual process and work arounds but it boils down to me getting an EXCEL spreadsheet with the order and entering it via cut and paste into our ordering tool as opposed to the usual way where all is dealt with electronically. I receive the orders via email which is a point of failure unto itself. After the PO is created, I enter the PO number and ship date etc. into a database which I haven't had access to since December, and a report is generated based on what is entered into that database. I had access to this database but it mysteriously stopped working on Dec 14, 2008 and support has been unable to figure out why. Of course, my company laid off all the programmers involved in this databases creation and all the support we have left is a Word doc with links to the files that I need to download and inttruction how to manually copy and paste the database files from their location on a shared drive to my personal machine. I have uninstalled and reinstalled these files countless times and have yet to regain access to the database and this has been a point of contention with my boss. When I click the database in an attempt to open it, I get an exception error and as I'm not a programmer, I have not a clue what the error means or what exactly is generating it. My boss decided that I should take my laptop in for a re-image as a last ditch effort to regain access. As I am a teleworker, my laptop is my sole access point into our corporate LAN. As we have no backup for broken laptops, it means that I was not able to work while this re-image was being done and I was trying to clear the way to take a day off and have our desktop support install a new image. My boss contacted me on April 21st and asked if I had scheduled it. I hadn't as I couldn't find a day without a million things in it. She said, "We'll have to take it on the chin while you do this. I want this done. I'll get you a backup." Ok, says I. I scheduled it, wrote my boss with the date, and she said she would contact her two dept managers to determine who can do my work. My out of office referred my customers to her and off I went. It took two days to complete the re-image. When I got my computer back, I had to reinstall all my applications which still isn't finished and I had issues getting onto the internet because the desktop person had not configured access. This took two calls to the helpdesk to fix. Once I was able to get onto the internet, I found to my dismay that no one had been assigned to do my work. Over 1000 emails downloaded from the server and I am still working through the fall out. Every week, we are directed to fill in a "Cycle time report" that tracks the misses and late orders. Due to the debacle last week, I had 3 on that report which was not too bad in my opinion due to the fact that my government accounts are hugely busy and installing over 2000 sites this year and this other manual account results in another 80 sites a month. In the world of emailing requests, these requests were simply lost in the piles of emails I received on those two lost days. I updated that they were late because of a "Tools issue" which is a pre-programmed reason code and I woke up this morning to a very angry boss wondering what tool had failed me. My laptop, I said. That resulted in a short rant on her part that I always have late orders and the reasons are not acceptable. As I was out of commision for two days, I reminded her she had promised me a back up. She replied, if the requests were in your email, how would a back up get them? I replied, if you had given me a back up, the team would have known who to send those orders to. *****crickets******

I don't think I scored points today. And to make matters worse, the database still doesn't work on my machine.

NOt the first time I have been through this. I was in trouble a month ago for not doing orders the day I got them. None of the orders were "Late" but I got my feet held to the fire anyway. One of the angry calls I got from my boss occurred two days after my lung biopsy. Same issue. Out of the office for two days because my biopsy had resulted in a slight pneumothorax. I was in pain and it was hard breathing and I was given no backup for those days either. Instead of being in bed where I should have been, I was sitting at my desk trying to catch up. I have heard the "Just be happy you have a job." "Be Grateful." But this mundane, run of the mill aspect of my life is not very satisfying. I am working into wee hours to get things done. Despite my best efforts, there will be issues with these manual orders preventing timely placement and these issues are 99% of the time out of my control. I have become deathly afraid of making mistakes, any mistake. I work in a Catch 22. Mind you, one of the things my boss bombasted me for was "Doesn't ask for help when needed." "Tries to fix issues on her own." DOH!!! My frustration level is hugely high. I pulled up my old resume and started updating it. Next step, start sending it out. Up until my re-diagnosis, my reviews were good. Now, I can't seem to do anything right and with all on my plate, outright publically flogging me is not helpful and I am sick of being uneasy. I know leaving for 3 hours to go to the Dr. every 3 weeks is not going over well either but on those days, I work in the morning, go to the Dr. and work the evening.

Two months ago, I cancelled my sons cell phone because he disobeyed me for the umpteenth time and downloaded from the internet and went way over on his IM limit resulting in a 300 dollar cell phone bill on just his number. It was the third time that he had done that and as I was not expecting that size bill, I did not run to the bank with a deposit which resulted in a chain reaction in my checking of bounced checks and witdrawals and overdraft fees, that is still an issue today. Last month, my cell phone was stolen and used to call Mexico three times. Today, I went to check my cell phone bill and was greeting with another $250 dollar bill when it should be 90. The culprit was Cassie and 120 instant messages all in the past 3 days. Her cell phone is now confiscated and I took away entirely her ability to text.

This morning, I went down to the laundry room only to find a pile of soaking wet laundry piled in the cats litter box. Culprit, my son. Don't ask. He is currently mad at me because I rescheduled his Saturday detention to next week instead of tomorrow with his buddy.

I still don't have a working oven. I have a graduation party for my daughter to plan, a birthday for my son coming up, and I don't know where the time and money will come from for those things.

At this moment, I am not 100% sure which aspect of my life is the most frustrating, the money problems, the job situation, working two jobs, the kids, the mess in the house, living with no back up in either home life or work life, the cancer, the placebo, the pets, the high cost of living, the high taxes or the fact that all I do is work and have little time to enjoy that which I am working so hard for. I bought a plasma TV last year before medical Hell. It's the only real luxury I own. I have watched it twice.

We interrupt this blog...

Dear friends,
I need some help for a new sarcoma friend.
Maura needs some prayers, well wishes and thoughts. Whether you're Christian, Buddist, practice Reiki, Muslim, Pagan or secular, please send this family whatever thoughts you can that her Dr. will be successful in getting her into this experimental treatment and that this treatment will work. I've had the honor of emailing Erin, Maura's mother. I want no better Mother's Day present than good news for this mother. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers.

Tales of a tardy 15 year old.

Yesterday, as I promised, I implemented operation "embarrass teenage son into compliancy." My son has had issues with tardies since the beginning of the school year resulting in discussion after discussion and grounding after grounding. "What, pray tell, are you doing before 1st period that is preventing you from getting there in time." I asked. "Uhhhhh.. talking?" he answered. ARGH!! Instead of walking off the bus and going to class, Kris walks off the bus and goes down to the school cafeteria, buys himself a chocolate milk and converses with his friends and is unable to discipline himself enough to say "I must get to class." To say that Kris has little impulse control is the understatement of the year but with all my years of Psychology, I really have no solution other than the system of consequences and finding the right combination of them. After his last bout with tardies which resulted in three days of detention my son tried to tell me was extra help in Math and that's why he stayed after school, I warned him next time his mommy would walk him to class. Kris laughed it off. Nah! Mom won't do that. She loves sleep too much. Maybe so but when I say something, I generally mean it. So Tuesday night I told Kris I would be getting up at 5:30 am to escort him to his first period class. He chuckled, "I'll just make sure I'm out early." "Not if I get up before you, son." "You're not going to do that." he said. Ha! Well watch me. Stubborness runs deep in my family. I have it. My brother has it. My dad is loaded with it. And, it has been passed to all three children in spades. I set my alarm for 5:30, started the coffee and was in the bathroom getting ready when Kris shuffled up the stairs to take his shower. He saw me there and the crestfallen look on his face was priceless. As we turned into his school, he directed me to park around the back, he was going to take me in the back way. Fine, I said, I promised that anyone who asked me was going to get the full story on just why I was there. As we entered the back way, there was a security check point. I introduced my son and kept my promise by explaining. Some students snickered. Kris turned red. But, I was not allowed to pass through. One of the security people escorted me to the upstairs checkpoint. GOOD! I thought, we walked right through the main stairway and through the main hallway and Kris saw some of his friends. GOOD! I spoke to the main checkpoint and she suggested I see the Dean to obtain special permission. I asked the security person to usher my child to class which she did and I had a nice conversation with the Dean who gave me permission to escort my son this morning. Operation successful today. As I dropped Kris off to his English class, I told him the next time he's late, I will obtain a seat in the back of the class and learn Farenheit 451 right along with him and escort him to second period too. I mean business this time, I said as loud as I could so that all the other kids could hear. The check point person asked if she would be seeing me tomorrow. I hope not. I hope I got my point across. It is now up to Kris. Generally, he was a very good sport and when he entered his classroom he told his teacher, "I've been escorted."

Yesterday's Dr. Appt was nothing big, more bloodwork. BP is good. Counts are good. I"m not surprised as I'm on the placebo but my Oncologist assured me not to worry and to enjoy the break. Sometimes I wish they would just go in, take the nodules out and if and when they grow back, maybe there will be a cure??? Probably not but it looks like there is some promising research in the works. John Kanzius' seems to be the most hopeful and could be a blockbuster if it works as designed. He developed a machine that uses nanoparticle technology. Nanoparticles are injected in the blood stream, taken up by the tumors which have larger, leakier blood vessels than normal tissue, and his machine cooks the nanoparticles, destroying the tumors from the inside out, with radio waves. MD Anderson is leading the way in development and hopes to bring this technology to trials in 2010 after they cure about 10K rats of various cancers.

Cassie had a band concert last night at one of the local high schools in a concert called the "Annual Band Exchange." It's generally a promo for entering freshman. It's purpose is to generate interest in pursuing the band program and the high school put forth their best band so the kids could hear how they may sound after 4 years. Cassie's band played with another 8th grade band in the district and the evening was capped off with the uber band from the high school. After the concert was over, she asked which band was my favorite. "Yours of course" I said "And you played so well that you were the whole band!" Cassie gave an annoyed look and said "A band is made up of all the players and you were supposed to say we all did a good job!" I just can't get it right, can I?

A nice way to start the day,..

A phone call from my son's school informing me that my son earned a Saturday detention for his 20th tardy since the new Semester started. *SIGH* I have spoken with him, grounded him, hounded him and called his counselor imploring that my son speak to someone at school to give him a good reality check. I also promised him that the next time I received this information that I would be getting up at 5am to walk him to class personally. I think it's time to implement this and tomorrow morning, I will drive my son to school and walk him to class so that everyone can see my 16 year old son walked to class by his mommy. He may hate me for life but I'm willing to take that chance. Parenting is not easy. Even if we have the greatest of intentions, even if we go out of our way to be fair, even if we read every single book on the subject, heed the advice of the majority of psychologists, give the children every conceivable advantage we possibly can, children can stray. Despite all my efforts, they have perceived me as too strict, unfair, and out of touch. Yesterday my daughter insisted that I don't know a thing about her and proceeded to quiz me.
1) How do I intend to do my hair at graduation?
2) What is my nickname, the one that my friends call me at school?
3) What is my favorite band? (Today's favorite band, not yesterdays)
4) WHat is my least favorite color?
5) HOw am going to do my hair for the 8th grade dance? Will I wear eyeliner or not?
6) What are the 4 things I'm most afraid of? I answered storms. She said ok um, the 5 things I'm most afraid of then? (She forgot about that storm one)
7) Which is my favorite cat? When I answered Molly, she said Molly was her favorite cat YESTERDAY.
These things are what Cassie considers to be "Important."

Tommorrow, I will travel downtown for the usual trial bloodwork and vitals. It takes me two hours to get there, two hours to get home again and the whole process lasts 15minutes. It will cost me 4 gallons of gas, 10 dollars in parking, half a day of work and I'm on the placebo. Physically, I feel wonderful. My energy level is great. I have good color. I'm sleeping fine. I"m not in any pain. My appetite is good and I have no complaints. I was a bit worn down last night but I attribute that to 16 hours on my feet doing my retail job and a few nights that I went to bed later than I would have liked. I am slowly realizing that I am not young anymore. As a young person, 3am was going to bed early. As an old person, 11pm is getting late. I am barely making the midnight toast on New Years Eve. I can't drink more than one alcoholic beverage in an evening without feeling light headed and as an out of shape office worker, I can probably benefit by taking a walk each day. My bottom is starting to become chair shaped and keeping weight off is getting harder. The next scan will be in two weeks. I am hoping that these few weeks off the drug did not cause significant progress. I am hoping very much that my diet has helped keep things at bay.

Small pleasures

I've written a couple blog posts on those little irritations. Life can nickel and dime us and the little irritations can seem huge. We all have been stuck at every red light possible when late for an appointment, gotten stuck behind a price check in the long lines at Wal-Mart, tripped over cracks in the sidewalk, gotten a flat tire, had 6 appliances all break at the same time and misplaced keys or a cell phone. I decided today, I'm going to be positive :) in a week that has been irritating as I still am without a working oven and I lost two days at work due to a broken laptop and am now weeding through 1000 emails and finishing all my work because apparently the back up that was supposed to be assigned, wasn't. But I'm still smiling...see me smiling! (OK it's a little forced)

1) Coffee - My morning cup is my FAVORITE time of the day. It doesn't jive with the anti-cancer diet I am following but I don't care. I get psychological pleasure from coffee and that is good for the whole organism.

2) A HOT HOT shower - There is nothing better after a long day. As I am redoing my bathroom this year, I want a massager shower head for my back.

3) One or two days with a positive balance in my checking account. - Those days are getting fewer and fewer. I will be sure to enjoy not paying an overdraft fee on any given week.

4) My cats - I love the little annoying critters. I have 3 cats, Tasha, Molly and Cami. All have different personalities and I can't imagine the house without them. Tasha has been one of my best friends since I found her as a 6 week old kitten.

5) Air conditioning - I've been living in this house for almost 6 years. 5 of those years, I dealt with an Air conditioner that had a huge freon leak that no repair person could find. At the beginning of every season, I would spend the first hot days in a house that was 98 degrees until the repair person could re-freon the darn thing. I got a new AC last year after the old one finally died for good and am looking forward to the first year here without a call into Tradewinds HVAC.

6) Cheese - Not the Kraft stuff but the genuinely fresh cheese I buy straight from the dairy every year at our Summer home. It is the best! I buy enough to last at least 4 or 5 months. Google Lynn Dairy. They deliver and their cheese is just wonderful. American Cheese slices are NOT cheese.

7) Beer - Again, not Bud or Miller but good microbrew beer. I am a big fan of Ambers and brown ales. New Glarus, Bells, Capital Brewery and Rougue are a few of my favorite little breweries. Sand Creek/Pioneer in Black River Falls, WIs has a wonderful Bock.

8) A fire pit - NOthing like sitting around the fire pit during the summers with an adult beverage and a few friends.

9) My bowling league - I've been bowling on this league since 2000. I started showing some improvement (I am a terrible bowler) and then went through surgery and lost one of my quads. Now that I have to bowl from the foul line, I've regressed backwards and was wondering if I should even put the darn thing on this list especially since there are days I bowl a whopping 88 but it's social. I've been bowling with the same ladies for 9 years and it's a night out. It used to be my sin night. Now, I have a beer and behave but it's still fun and my teammies are my friends. I wouldn't trade the experience at all, even after being elected League secretary and dealing with all the fun frustration of using a program designed for Windows 95 and XP on my Vista machine. Yay Me!

10) My glass hobby - I collect elegant glass and Depression glass from the 20'3-30's and 40's. I love the shows. I love blowing 200 bux on something I don't need. I can probably pay off my second mortgage if I sold what is in my china cabinet but to me it's priceless and has resulted in fun and new friends and some gorgeous examples of American industry.

11) Our Summer home - No phones, no computers, no TV, not a single luxury but that's exactly what is needed. Too much media causes stress. It's fun living in blissful ignorance while dealing with sand and bugs in the middle of the deep woods of Wisconsin. God's country, truly.

12) Sweatpants - Nothing needs to be said here.

13) BBQ'in

14) Petunia's - They are the only flower I can't kill.

15) 70 degrees, sunny and no humidity!

16) NO TRAFFIC ON THE HIGHWAY - Yes, it's about 2am when that happens but hey, we take what we can get.

17) Music - Keep in mind nothing is ranked in order. Music is good for the soul and healing. I'll go so far as to say it brings me closer to God. I am considering joining the church choir.

18) Theater - I'm a big fan of musicals. Evita remains my absolute favorite of all time. Jesus Christ Superstar, Ragtime, Les Miz and Miss Saigon also rank up there. Skip Rent and Phantom of the Opera.

19) Fresh watermelon, cantaloupe and ripe mango. YUM!

20) Christmas - What is not to like? (Barring the fact that it takes me months to pay it off)

I can go on. Yes, I could put the kids on the list but they are not SMALL and SIMPLE pleasures. They are COMPLICATED pleasures. I am trying to figure out Cassie's teenage moods, Kris's lack of motivation and what the heck Emily is thinking! Em's is off at her dads for a couple days and I'm relishing the peace and quiet. The P&Q will ultimately get on my nerves and I'll be waiting for her to come home tomorrow night. She has taken to her overnight visits very well. I'm glad. I will be dropping off her Kindegarten registration officially later today. My little baby will be going to school!! I can't believe it. As she has ADHD, I have already spoken with her school Psychologist and she will be evaluated in the first 2 weeks or so. Emily may need a smaller classroom with more individual attention. She has sensory issues and when there is too much stimuli, things get sticky for her and she melts down. We shall see. THere is nothing wrong with the childs brain and there are a few words she can read. I never taught her so I have no idea how she figured it out. That child will go far if I can just curb her energy into good.

Enjoy your weekends! I will be working at big box mart the entire weekend but am looking forward to my upcoming Saturday off.

Rites of Passage

This year is a year of watersheds for my oldest kids. When they were first born, they seemed to grow into precocious toddlers quickly, new shoes, new outfits, solid food, first words, and first teeth all within one year. I filled baby books with updates practically every day. Time seemed to slow from Kindegarten to third grade. Other than adding a little sass, there were fewer and fewer firsts. This year, my oldest girl will be graduating from the 8th grade, her body transitioned from child to young woman. Kris's voice is now deeper. He is suddenly taller than I am and his feet grew from 10 to 13 in a year. Yesterday my oldest boy signed up for drivers ed and started looking for a job! EEEEEEEEEE. It just wasn't that long ago that he was 6lbs 15 oz, 19 and 3/4 inches long and slept his days away. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. My child will be turning 16 in a month, will drive a car, and will be asking "Do you want fries with that?" Where did the time go? I used to read "Mike Mulligan and his Steamshovel" to him. Yesterday, we had our first discussion about budgets, bank accounts, and the responsibilities of employment. Me? Well, I'm in denial. I DO NOT have gray hairs in my head. (Now that I tweezed them out of course :) ) I DID NOT start gaining a little girth around the middle. I DO NOT have wrinkles forming. Though their physical growth is once again in full force, their bodies have far surpassed the growth of their minds. Teens are still black and white thinkers, they are jaunt rocks not yet softened by friction and I am conscious of the fact that what will shape their minds will be less and less influenced by me and more and more influenced by whatever life holds for them. I can only hope that I get to see with my own eyes what the final creation will be.

In Just Spring...

"when the world is mudpuddle wonderful" writes EE Cummings. How about snow fall depressing? After one glorious, beautiful, day on Saturday, we are now expecting snow. I worked in the lawn and garden center on Saturday and sold much mulch and fresh flowers. I am hoping that my customers are waiting to plant them.

I am now going on 2 weeks on the placebo, experiencing no side effects whatsoever from the pills I am taking. Sometimes, I wonder what's the use? Why am I bothering to take 30 seconds out of my day to take these pills when I know they are doing nothing? Answer. Because this is what I signed on for and knew that this was a possibility when I signed the study papers. I try never to use the words "I promise" unless I truly intend to keep the promise. So, I am trying to make the most of this and am beefing up my nutrition. It's not easy living each day knowing that there are tumors there and it's not easy knowing that I am on suspended treatment. The What If's cloud my brain. What if more show up? What if the biggest gets too big? Sometimes, I feel such fear and I self talk to bring myself down to Earth. Despite the fact that these nodules showed up two years ago, I'm still here. It took the largest nodule over two years to grow 1cm. I'm in the same place I was in October, maybe even better off than I was 6 months ago. I feel absolutely fantastic! Since being off the Brivanib, I have enjoyed a return of ENERGY! Since I felt fine on the pills, I was not conscious of the fact that I was starting to feel more fatigue as time went on. I also JUST realized that I experienced very slight shortness of breath. Sometimes, it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I don't have those feelings anymore. So, while I wait to see what the next scan will bring, I am going to enjoy the lack of side effects and explore some interesting recipes that jive with my anti-cancer diet. I found a great website for whole grain salad recipes and have increased the variety of veggies I eat. I did find it hard to resist the chocolate temptation of Easter and decided that for one day I wasn't going to try. YUM to Cadbury Caramel eggs! Cancer patients must find something to enjoy every day, we are after all, living.

My daughter will be graduating from the 8th grade this year and she has been talking about this graduation since she moved from the 6th grade class to the 7th grade. When I was a child, we had a 6th grade "graduation." She had a "Rite of passage" ceremony at school with a little pomp and circumstance. Since then, she has been planning and dreaming about this next step, dressing in a graduation gown, walking across the stage, receiving her diploma and getting a little applause for all her hard work from her adoring family. More important than the ceremony is the annual 8th grade dance. Her entire social world has revolved around preparations for this event since January. She has been on websites researching dresses, hair styles, shoes, and accessories and has been bugging me daily to take her for her new dress. Finally, this past Friday, I took her to the Mall armed with my credit cards, to spend glorious money I do not have, to make sure she moves from the 8th grade to the 9th grade in STYLE! I am not a shopper. I'm one of 3 women in the US who would rather shovel manure than go to a mall. I hate it that much but I'm lucky I have a child who knows her own mind. As she had a gift card for Penny's, we started there. Penny's is great for small children and adults but they got a big F from Cassie in appealing to teenagers sense of style. She crinkled her nose at EVERY dress in the place and was so upset, that she called a friend to complain. When she got off the phone, she told me her friends got their dresses at DEB. When I suggested we go there then, I ate her dust all the way out the door. I shopped at DEB when I was her age and I have to admit, the dresses there were very cute. I tried not to be mindful of the fact that I probably would not be able to fit one leg into the largest dress. They get an F for matronly styles for women who had three kids and are dealing with middle age spread. It took her all of 10 minutes to choose 5 dresses off the racks she kind of liked and tried them all on, one blue, one purple, one orange and two yellow, all spaghetti strapped, slightly below the knee with full skirts and a slightly plunging neckline but they were all tasteful and Cassie is such a wisp of a thing, everything fits her. It came down to purple and one of the yellow dresses. Cassie has a darker complexion and big hazel eyes. Though the style looked good on her, she looked jaundiced in it. Ultimately, she chose the purple dress and could hardly contain her excitement. I bought her a necklace and matching earrings and some silver open toed shoes. Now she's heckling me for styling mousse and a strapless bra. The dance is a month away. The graduation ceremony is 6 weeks away but we must have this all NOW NOW NOW. (Side note: Her graduation party will be Sat, June 6. Save the date. The more the merrier, just tell me you are coming.)
Her dress is posted on her Facebook page if anyone on my Facebook is really interested in seeing it. It was supposed to be this big huge secret because she is trying to outdo her friend and did not want her friend to see the dress. All of this was not for a cute 14 year old boy. This was all to show up her friend Angela. Go figure!

My stove is broken. I am just beside myself here trying to figure out where the money is going to come from for a new one. Provided the burners work and I am able to cook food on the stove top and I do have a crock pot, it's still difficult to try and find different recipes that don't involve actually roasting and baking. It's one thing to pull the credit card out for 150 bux. It's another for a thousand dollar committment when I am so tapped already. I keep wondering how in the world I started getting behind and so I looked over my monthly bills.
1) 20 dollars more a month for electricity.
2) Increased local sales tax rate to 10.25%!!
3) Increased property tax rate despite the housing crunch. My property taxes have gone up 600 dollars this past year.
4) 40 dollars more monthly for natural gas
5) Cancer treatment: $10 for parking. More for gas. More out of pocket cost as I have high deductible insurance. I, of course, chose this as opposed to the cheaper plan. The cheaper plan didn't work for me. I hate HMO's!! A terribly conceived idea brought compliments of the government. This on top of glasses for Cassie, school physicals, ADHD treatment for Emily in the form of meds, behavioral therapists and psychiatric monitoring.
6) Increased fees for the kids education, It will cost me close to $1000 in fees for both my children in high school this year between band uniform rental, band trips, food, gym clothes, school lunches, supplies, consumables and other misc things that come up. Emily is entering the fray so there will be consumables for her too plus field trips, parties, etc. etc.
7) State Income tax for my bracket will be doubled in 2010.
8) 5 dollar increase in the cost of garbage pick up monthly.
9) My grocery bill as food prices go up.
10) My frustration level as it is becoming more and more and more difficult to shave off the budget and then watch my checking account go into overdraft every friggen month.

What stayed the same? My salary

What decreased?
Child support as my ex lost his job.
My bonus.
My hours at Big Box Mart.
My personal savings.
My equity
My sanity

Where is there to go for financial help? Does anyone know?

What a difference a day makes

At least weatherwise.

I live in the Chicago area where we joke that if you don't like the weather to just wait 15 minutes and it will change. Yesterday, was beautiful! It was sunny and warm and bright and fitting for one of the most important days in the Christian faith. Today, it was cold, rainy, snowy and miserable. No, that wasn't a typo. It was both rainy and snowy. Only here..

Our Easter was very very nice. The kids and I went to church. The choir sounded great! The band played on. The priest was lively and the whole church smelled like lilies and hyacinth. Afterwards, we went to my sisters for dinner. It is nice not to have to cook and our traditional Easter meal, roast lamb, is really the only meat that I have eaten all year. I savored every bit of it. I am a vegetarian for health purposes but truth be told, if I ever acheive a 100% remission, I'm celebrating with a huge, greasy cheeseburger and fries. Maybe I'll even throw in a vanilla milkshake. Of all the ice cream flavors I could have chosen, natural vanilla is one of my favorites. Most of my choices are simple and unadorned. I don't know if I could ever get used to opulence and luxury. I chose a simple house. I drive a simple car with no frills except the A/C. I decorate very classically. I dress in jeans and tees that bear no special label. I have never owned a pair of Guess jeans or Calvin Klein and I would never blow 300 plus on a Gucci bag.

Miss Emily turned 5 yesterday. She was born the day after Easter 2004 and was a bright spot in a month that needed a few bright spots. My mothers birthday was APril 7. My mom passed away April 17, 1985. My grandfather passed away April 29, 2003. For my grandmother, April brought back many bad memories. Now, we have something to celebrate in Emily. From the tiny little thing that she was, to this very cute and precocious little girl, the transformation is amazing. This birthday also signified a big step for her. From now on, she will be spending every other weekend with her father, overnight. Her first overnight was Saturday and as I knew it was coming, I was prepared to miss her a little but not be worried. She did well but was quite angry with me that I wasn't home when she called to check in. I took the opportunity to get her bunny gifts and birthday gift. I bought her a TV/DVD for her room. Emily has slept in my room since birth. Last year, I figured it was time to move her into her own space therefore, I made it a priority to finish both Cassie's new room and Emily's. Much to my dismay, Emily refused to sleep in her room even though we bribed her with princess sheets! I have been preparing her for the past few months for the transition and had been telling her every day that at 5 years old, it was time to cut an apron string and start sleeping in her own room. Her behavioral therapist and I both thought the TV would help her. Since Emily's hero these days is Spongebob Squarepants, putting in a SB DVD helped IMMENSELY. Now, she's excited that she can watch on her OWN TV and spent her first night in her room last night. This is a big step for her and for me. Though I feel a little guilty, it has become apparent to me that I need my own space, a sanctuary. Emily needs her own room too and I hope she will come to appreciate it as time goes by. She was quite excited. On another note, it was darn near impossible to find a plain old TV that wasn't High Def and expensive. Thank GOd for Wal-Mart! They had a cute pink basic television with a matching DVD player that was perfect for her.

It's day 5 on the poser pills that are supposed to be Brivanib. They don't fool me. Sometimes, I swear they even taste like Smarties. I battoned down the hatches on the nutrition and decided that I'll do some cleansing juices and add a few more items to the diet to kick cancer butt during these next 6 weeks. It certainly couldn't hurt.

I would just like...

to wish all of you a very Happy Easter.
For my cancer friends, I know it's difficult to celebrate at such a time as this. We wonder why and why me and sometimes get caught in the absolute injustice of it all. Our priest today mentioned that these difficult times, all part of the human experience, are a different kind of Ressurection. He reminded us that in this time of worry, stress and hardship, to look around and realize that there is community and people that walk with you and that are there for you. Maybe these people are those you never expected. Whether they be there on a blog, on Facebook, in person, through e-mail or through your various activities, they are all there for a reason. May one of these new faces be the wing beneath your wings.

Today has been one of those feel sorry for myself days. Though I try not to spend too much time engaging in self pity, every now and then I fail. Yesterdays results indicated that the Brivanib was doing exactly what it is supposed to do, slowing or stopping the growth of the tumors. Nevertheless, I felt some disappointment. I didn't want to hear that the tumors were stable. I wanted to hear that they were shrinking or better yet, that they are gone! I'm exactly in the same place that I was 6 months ago. After my surgery in 2006, I had a feeling that even though the tumor in my thigh was gone, the war wasn't over and with each passing Dr. appt, with each MRI and with each CT scan, I knew it never really would be. I knew that my life as I knew it was over and it was forever changed from here on out. I would never again be able to say "Next year" or "Next Christmas" without wondering if I was thinking too far ahead. I wondered if I should take a 5 year car loan, fix up the house, keep socking money in my IRA or plan a vacation to Disney when Emily is older. I still wonder those things. So here I am almost 3 years later, still fighting Sarcoma which took a short jaunt from my thigh to my lungs. I changed my diet. I changed my lifestyle. Perhaps those things have helped keep me stable but what is going to send me finally 100% in remission? Will I always be dealing with this day in day out, year after year after year? I feel at times as if I'm living with a loaded gun pointed at my head every day and I'm playing some celestial version of Russian Roulette. To make matters worse, I am 99.9% sure that I got the placebo. I'm being a good sport and taking my poser pills but I'm less than thrilled that after making the little progress that I did, I risk taking steps backward for the next 6 weeks. For the first time in a long time, I felt scared. I have been researching graduate programs. Provided, I am only looking into some programs at this point. I have not signed on the dotted line. I worry that if I start going for my Masters degree, that I will not be able to finish. I wonder if I'll ever work my way through this wonderful mound of debt I've incurred and be able to quit the second job and start enjoying my weekends again. Overall, my frustration level is high. But, I continue on and try to make the life I have right now, chock full of problems as it is, as enjoyable as possible. I am hoping that one day, medical science will find the magic bullet for cancer and I can sit as an 80 year old woman and talk to my great grandchildren about that time in the way distant past, when cancer was not curable, when we hoped for "Progression free survival".

Tomorrow will be another day. I AM going to wake up without the veil of self pity floating over my head and make the most of it. But I am praying for the day when I can celebrate a REMISSION... but in the meantime, I'll take the STABILITY.

Update week 12

I'm stable. All the nodules are the same size except one stubborn bas----d that grew 1mm or 2. I have to admit that that bothered me and took away from relatively good news but I was told that the size differences of a mm or two could be due to differences in breathing and all in all, the drug is doing what it's supposed to do.
Unfortunately, I believe that I got the placebo for this next six weeks. I don't feel any of the light headedness or instant fatigue. BUMMER!! But, I'm a team player and I'll take the poser pills and hope that these stupid tumors behave.

The 12th week is a reassessment week. Not only did I get scan results today, I had to go through the complete battery of tests I took before the study started, the echo-cardiogram, blood sucking vampires take their usual 5 vials of blood, pee in a cup, blood pressure, heart rate and temp and I ended the day in Infusion therapy for another blood draw. I did get to hang out at Gilda's in between tests and appt.I waited 90 minutes in the waiting room to get the results and talking to my new Sarcoma friend who I am anxiously awaiting to hear some news regarding his scan results on this drug.

Life otherwise has been typical. The kids have been themselves. Cassie brought home her usual great grades. Kris is doing better but still has a far way to go. Emily lost her first tooth. The tooth fairy gave her 5 bux for this first tooth and she and I went to the Walmart and she picked out a Spongebob Squarepants coloring book and a box of 64 crayons. She was soooo excited.

I apologize for the lack luster, uninspired entry. I am just dog tired. Anticipating that I would be at the Dr. today, I was up quite late the past few days working after a long long weekend at big box store.

Today

I stepped out of civilian mode for 15 minutes and walked in cancer patient shoes. It was time for ...ba ba ba BUM..the next $(*#@&)* CT scan. I don't think I need to say once more how much I HATE HATE HATE those scans. My morning coffee was interrupted and delayed as I sucked down two glorious bottles of Mixed Berry Barium Sulfate and shuffled out to the clinic. I hate the whole process from the order, to the barium, to the needles in the arm, the anxiety as I wait for results and those little gowns that never cover my butt. My son missed the bus so that was a little monkey wrench in the smooth transition. I drank my barium in the car on the way. My advice is, don't get cancer. It is really irritating.

The weekend was hectic. Fun in some respects and exhausting in another. Emily's so called father cancelled his visit on Friday. I decided to take Emily to see "Monsters vs Aliens." She was so excited about going that every 5 minutes she asked if it was 6pm yet. Being that Emily has problems with sitting for long periods, I was a little concerned that she would not be able to handle this and was prepared to have to eat the 10 dollars. Kris came along with me almost under protest but came along for the popcorn and soda. Emily did pretty well. She did, at one point, stand on the seat and start looking around and she complained that it was way too loud. My two second review: Parents, wait for the DVD if you must see it. Skip it if not.

Saturday was the annual 20-30-40's Glass show in Northlake. I attend 3 or 4 shows a year and engage in my favorite hobby. I collect glassware manufactured during the Depression Era and could probably pay off a significant portion of my mortgage if I sold what is in my glass cabinet. But to me, it's priceless stuff. As I have several patterns I look for, I usually have selective vision when it comes to shows. This year, I settled on 4 Heisey Alexandrite Bread and Butter plates and one Heisey Orchid dinner plate. My long time friend and I both collect and we make weekends of this hobby. Afterwards, we swung by the house and picked up Kris and Cass and went to 5pm Mass. There was a ministry fair after Mass that I wanted to stop by and see about RCIA for the kids. THe Youth Minister stated that all they would need was the Confirmation program that starts in the Fall through their Lifeteen Ministry. To me, it sounded fun. Kris was having cows and kittens about having to give up two Sunday Nights a month. Cassie was interested in the Soup kitchen trips. Besides the volunteering at the Soup kitchens, when the kids are Seniors, they are encouraged to go to Appalachia and help build a house. I am looking into sending Kris in a couple years to this. He, of course, has an attitude about it but I think he will have a great time and will thank me for sending him :) At least, that is my hope.

And finally, big box mart on Sunday was not fun. I was exhausted from the nights before and it was slow. I realized in the morning that my work pants were never washed. I threw them into the washing machine and prayed they'd be ready by the time I had to leave. They were still damp. So, out the door into freezing snowy weather I went with wet pants. I was ten minutes late, had 3 price checks and one customer yelled at me about the price on a mop and her insistence, though we checked the UPC, that it was less than what the register said it was. To make matters worse, I noticed my cell phone was missing. I used it to call the family on my break at 3:45pm. By the time I got home 90 minutes later and checked the call log, the person who has it made three phone calls to Mexico. Great!! At the moment, the cell phone is suspended.

That's the update. I get my results next Wednesday. Please pray!

Dreams!

I haven't updated in awhile. Truth is, there is not much new to say. Life has settled into its little routine and I work and bowl and yell at the kids and there has been no ripple in the force.
Last night I had a strange dream. Most of the time, I dream nonsensical things but every now and then, I wake up remembering one and thinking "how odd!" I was one of the millions that had a 9/11 related dream months before the day and once something I dreamed would happen, actually did. In college, I did a term paper about Freud's Interpretation of Dreams and actually think that some dreams are an exploration of the subconscious in symbols and metaphors.
When I feel overwhelmed, I have reccurrent dreams about tornados. Sometimes, the house falls apart around me during the whirldwind and sometimes, it stays intact. Sometimes, the storm is in the distance and sometimes it's right overhead. But in my dreams, I am alright and I survive each storm, the house is rebuilt and I live to dream another day.
Last night I dreamed I had an invitation to a dance, a high school dance, from a nameless, faceless person that represented no one I know. I really felt that there was potential with this man/boy but I had reservations and I felt nervous and unsure. Before the dance however, I had a shift at Big Box Store. For some unknown reason, I was unable to clock out at my scheduled time. I was rushing in my dream to finish what I was doing while the person waited for me. We left together but we took separate cars. He went ahead of me and I attempted to follow but wound up losing sight of him. I realized that I forgot to tell him that before the dance, we would be picking up a friend, represented in my dream by an old friend I haven't seen since high school, and that I needed to stop at home and get ready. I attempted to use my cell phone but it didn't work and I was punching the buttons angrily and in great frustration. I gave up on the phone and proceeded on. I got caught in traffic and was conscious that I was late and unsure that this person would wait for me. I grew tired of waiting in the traffic and abandoned the car so I could walk the rest of the way but there was an obstacle and I had to wind my way back to my car which was no longer in the street but in a huge parking lot. I remember I was looking through rows and rows of cars trying to find mine, growing ever more aware that the time was getting later and later and that the dance had started without me. Eventually, despite the obstacles, I made it to the dance which I dreamed, was in the gym of my old high school. The gym was packed and I was making my way through the crowds trying to find my date. I knew he was there and that he waited. .. Then.... my alarm clock went off.
Is the dance my life?
Is this nameless, faceless, full of potential, person a new adventure or a goal?
Do I feel as if I'm missing the dance because of all the things that have been thrown in my path?
Is this a metaphor for my own life?
Or was this just a the ramblings of a mind at sleep?
I know despite my alarm clock going off at that inopportune time, that I was close to finding this person.
Perhaps a happy ending is in the cards.

Emily found a penny on the floor the other day and asked if she could keep it. After I told her Yes, she asked who was on the penny.
"Well, Abraham Lincoln." I said
"Who is he?" she asked.
"He is a President" I said.
"He's not the President!" she said.
"He used to be." I explained. "He's dead now."
Emily got a thoughtful look on her face. "Where is he then?" she asked.
"With God in Heaven, probably."
"He's in Heaven? How did he get there? Who drove him?" she asked.
"Nobody DROVE him. God probably came to get him. Someday we'll all have to go."
Adamantly she said as she stomped her foot "Well, I'm not going!! I'm staying RIGHT HERE!"

I will let God sort that one out with the child when it's time. He probably sent her here because He was tired of arguing with her up there.

Not much else going on. I am currently trying to focus on finishing up work and it just isn't working. That means another night in front of the computer until midnight. I am feeling pretty good still but I've noticed that my brain is a tad foggy sometimes. I'm not sure if that is lack of sleep or a side effect of my medicine. I bought some beautiful greens and veggies at our local market the other day for dirt cheap and THEY CARRY ORGANIC DANDY-LIONS!! I will NOT have to travel 20 miles for more when I run out. I am also happy that a Whole Foods is being built not more than 5 miles from here next Spring! It's always nice when the pharmacy is a little closer and I can go blow $150 on two bags of raw and organic foods more often.

Cassie is mourning that "Drake" the little baby think it over doll she was carrying around for a weekend, went back to the teachers storage cabinet. I told her if she wanted a doll, I could get her one for cheap. Perhaps Baby Alive? She was not amused and was offended I did not miss my pseudo grandchild. I just rolled my eyes.

Kris is at an Opera today downtown on a music field trip. I'm a big advocate for culture and I love broadway plays and musicals. Emily seems to be as crazy about them as I am. Just because I was tired of listening to Hannah Montana and Playhouse Disney, I slipped in a few selections from Fiddler on the Roof, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and Sunset Boulevard. She bit! The only problem is, I have heard Joseph every day now for the past week. She likes "Any Dream Will Do"
and from Fiddler, "Matchmaker". From Sunset Boulevard, she likes the title song. I've found that music is a great way to calm her down and I get such a kick out of hearing her sing and make up the words when she doesn't know them. That's my girl!

Not much going on in the world here. I made my special beet juice concoction yesterday by juicing 1 beet, 1 carrot, 1/2 lemon, 1 apple, some dandy-lion leaves, and a slice of fresh ginger. Ya know? It really wasn't too terrible except that I put too much ginger and it had a little more spice than I wanted. It made my stomach tingle a bit. My main purpose for doing that was to act as a liver cleanse. Beets have lots of cancer fighting chemicals and even though I'm not crazy about them, I sucked down the juice and felt like I accomplished something yesterday. I was tired after my bowling league and then stayed up way too late ditzing around the computer until the wee hours.

Part of Cassie's homework this weekend is 'Baby think it over.' It's a computerized baby that cries and fusses and she needs to figure out how to make the doll happy. And, she said with a smile, it has a weiner! Whereas it's a nice idea, I don't think it quite captures the essence of child rearing and I think these dolls need a few more advanced models so one can experience the full spectrum of raising children.
We need a 'toddler think it over' that says NO! every time it's spoken to. It should be a mobile doll that writes on walls, spills food, empties drawers, gets hand prints on the TV, throws food, and plays with what's in its diaper. Then we need to follow that up with pre-teen think it over that spends all its time online or on the phone, ignores its parents, and learns the fine art of sass. Follow that up with Teen think it over that knows everything, gets F's in gym, sneaks money out of the wallet, crashes the car and asserts that everything is the teachers fault because the teacher hates them. All models should have absolutely no idea about responsibility and accountability! That should do it. If the toddler think it over doesn't thwart pregnancy, the teen think it over definitely will!
Today was Kris's big IHSA solo contest which is a big music contest. Kris has been practicing a trumpet solo and also has been practicing with a quartet of trumpet players. 1 is the highest mark you can get and 4 is the worst mark. Kris scored a 2 on his solo and a 1 in the quartet. They did sound really really good and I was not surprised. If only he put that much effort into everything... To celebrate, I am taking him out to dinner to the restaurant of his choice. Cassie is bringing baby think it over who she calls "Drake". It should be an interesting experience. So off we go. The kids have already had a stupid fight over where they are going to sit in the van. I offered the luggage rack to the next teenager that opened his mouth. So both will be strapped there or I'll leave them home and spend quality time with peace and quiet.

Insanity....it's the only way to go.

Yesterday, I finished work before 9pm!! It was such a refreshing change as I am usually sitting here all day trying to stay ahead of the game on my two fairly HUMONGOUS accounts. I was caught up by 5pm!! WOOHOO!! I figured a proper celebration would be to leave the house and get away from my constantly fighting kids and go to Whole Foods to get the missing ingredient for a fresh juice that I wanted to try made of beets (which I hate but..they are good for the liver), apples, ginger, lemon and dandelion greens. Dandelion greens?? I was vaguely aware that they were edible. After doing a simple search on where one can get them when they are not growing unwanted in my lawn, Whole Foods came up as a supplier of fresh, organic, weeds. So, yes, I got in my car and trekked almost 20 miles to purchase an organic version of the very thing my lawn care service sprays every year. I love Whole Foods! When I enter, I am just dumbfounded at the amount of absolutely perfect local fruit of all colors, shapes, sizes and types, stacked as far as the eye can see when I enter the store. Blueberries, apples, strawberry, mango, 6 different species of grapfruit, 8 different types of organic fungus, broccoli, more greens than I can imagine..it's heaven.....for about 3 minutes until you look at the prices on this stuff and find that you are paying 2.99 for a handful of organic lettuce. 1.99 for 6 organic celery stalks and $2.99 for a bunch of organic dandy-lion greens. I laughed as I put the weeds in my cart and my son ribbed me all night and said I could just go outside and dig some up if I wanted to wait a month. We have a great dandy-lion farm on the corner and I'm sure the folks that live there wouldn't mind me relieving them of the amount they have growing yearly. But I wanted them now and for real fun, I browsed the shelves and loaded my cart with raw, organic, flax bars, raw nuts, Ezekiel bread, raw honey, crackers baked and prepared with no oils, fresh cheeses, and raw coconut milk based ice cream. My two measly little bags cost about $150 but what can I say? Health costs and I got my weeds which are all ready for my juicer and I got a neato bottle of organic red wine..for um...resveratrol and um antioxidants.
I really have no idea if this is at all acting on the cancer but it's fun for a lifetime and fun for my pocketbook which just loves all the workouts its gotten lately. I am saying this tongue in cheek.
To quote our dipstick in chief, "Have you seen the price of Arugula these days?"

Maybe the next time I finish my work early, I'll do something normal like watch TV but I sure can't wait to drink that fresh glass of apple weed ala beet!

Some thoughts for my Sarcoma friends....

What in the world would I do without that second job at BigBoxMart? As I have been doing scads and scads of laundry and dishes for the past couple days, I think I can find a few things and if anythng, I'd have a sparkling clean house. But, I will not be getting a raise this year because of the bad economy so I trudge to the store on Saturdays and Sundays and check food and more food.
We did find some time to celebrate good scan results news. Despite the bad economy, there was no recession in the restaurants this weekend: A one hour wait at Olive Garden, Fox and Hound with a full parking lot as well as Red Lobster. We wound up at a local joint with a wide variety of food and a decent Saganaki and oopahed a little celebration. I realize I'm not out of the woods yet but I'll take the next six weeks of contentment until the next bout of Scanxiety hits me. Can I keep it going? I am sure trying!! We can't control a lot of aspects of cancer but we can control nutrition and what goes in and out of our mouth and I have been. When we first noticed these offensive little nodules starting to form, I made a big lifestyle change. I have alluded to it and emphasized it. Cancer just doesn't form out of nowhere. No one is really sure what genetic mechanisms are involved or what trips them but some University researchers have delved into the non-traditional to find the answers.
1) A recent article found that Melanoma and glioblastoma tumors can be fueled by stress hormome. Perhaps it fuels Sarcomas too. My bump first appeared during a very stressful time and the nodules, which had been stable for almost 2 years, multiplied when I took classes, was working a second job 4 nights a week, and was going through the diagnostic process of Emily's ADHD. I was also working into the wee hours on an account that has been the biggest challenge of my career. Constant issues..UGH! I have subsequently stopped the classes, reduced hours at my second job, stabilized Emily on her meds, and have backup on this account.
2) A preliminary study found that some Sarcomas MAY have hormone receptors. My tumor grew exponentially during my last pregnancy and I have heard many women in the Sarcoma world express the same. Either the tumor grew or a bump appeared. Foods such as broccoli, cauliflour and cabbage contain chemicals which help the body metabolize hormomes more effectively. FlaxOil as well helps the body with hormone metabolism along with freshly ground flax seeds sprinkled on cereal or in oatmeal. A Duke University study found a better treatment outcome for men undergoing treatment for Prostate cancer when fresh flax seeds were used. Flax oil is very delicate and can't be heated. Using the oil as salad dressing and seeds for the lignans will help as long as no heating is involved. Vitamin D3 is a necessary hormone. Canadian researchers found higher cancer rates in people who did not get enough sunshine. They recommended 15 minutes of direct sun daily without the blockers. I take additional D3 since it is Winter and we haven't seen the sun in months. That was OK on the trial as well.
3) Omega-3 Fatty acids and diets high in them, can stabilize some tumors and may result in Apoptosis for cancer cells. Omega 3 fatty acids are natural VEGF inhibitors and affect different pathways. They are also ESSENTIAL. Your body NEEDS Omega 3's and the current diet high in processed foods and meats, do not contain a healthy enough level of them. Adding wild Salmon to the diet as well as other foods high in Omega 3 oils can help. I take additional DHA which was OK with my Dr. on this trial. Diets high in Omega 3 also result in better treatment outcomes for cancer patients. The Japanese use fish oil as an adjuvant therapy for people going through Chemo. Omega 3's also have shown great and protective effects of the cardiovascular system and can reduce blood pressure and bad cholesterol and protect your healty cells from the effects of chemotherapy and reduce its side effects. A simple google search will pull up many studies regarding Omega 3 and cancer. I am aware of the 2006 study that was done showing that fish oil does not do squat but what these researchers did was study the outcomes of people taking 2 capsules daily and NOT necessarily reducing trans fats in the hydrogenated oils or making other dietary changes.

I don't get my research from junkscience.com. Articles can be found on PubMed, ScienceDaily, CURE and other journals. One of my Sarcoma friends gave me great advice. With a disease as rare and difficult to treat as Sarcomas, it's wise to consider the anecdotal evidence since there is so little empirical evidence. Most of the studies above are preliminary. But I use them anyway.
I DO NOT eat any food with Canola, Vegetable, Soybean or any other kind of oil, especially partially hydrogenated oils. I take forever at the grocery store because I am constantly checking ingredients. If they have high amounts of any of those oils, I don't eat it. I saute in Organic Veggie broth. Flaxoil is not a "supplement." Using it is no different than frying a mess of chicken in a huge pot of lard for dinner after eating a big mac for lunch with greasy fries and bacon and eggs for breakfast. The difference is, your body can absorb the flax oil. It may not do well with the other fats. I make sure my ratio of Omega 3 to Omega 6 which is also essential but high amounts result in inflammation and are linked to disease, is set to what men evolved on 12:1 Omega 3 to Omega 6. Keeping with the idea that I want my body to absorb more of the good fats, I don't eat meat but maybe once or twice a year.
I juice..
I recommend juicing to everyone. I have a masticating juicer which I use to create a Kelly green glass of nutrition daily. My brother who has clotting disorder, calls my green concoction a glass of death :) To each his own! In the juicer goes a few stalks of Kale...not just for salad bars anymore!, cukes, celery, turnip greens, carrot, lemon, cabbage and broccoli. I basically hold my nose and suck down two glasses every day. All these items are chock full of nutrient that in juice form, the body can absorb more easily than eating the full vegetable. Most of these items are listed along with health benefits on the worlds healthiest foods website.
No SUGAR! No Refined white flour! No White rice! I eat wheat flour or brown rice, grains and beans once a day. If I get the urge for sugar, I allow myself one little M&M or some no sugar candy.
I eat a huge green salad for lunch made from Spinach or Baby Romaine, the healthiest lettuces. My dressing is apple cider vinegar and I sprinkle the salad with nutritional yeast for extra B vitamins.
I eat cottage cheese with blended flax oil (using a hand mixer), a couple tablespoons mixed with 4 tablespoons cottage cheese. I add strawberries, blueberries and a teaspoon of raw honey after blending. Then I top with raw fresh ground flax seeds. This is a great way to get those ESSENTIAL Omega 3 fats that when they bind with the cysteine in the cottage cheese, are more easily absorbed by the cells than consumed apart.
Whether this acts on the cancer or makes it easier for the Brivanib to do its work, remains to be seen but physically I feel a lot better and I have energy. I haven't had any of the issues with the high blood pressure and my bloodwork has all been within specs. I understand the huge commitment and lifestyle change but when fighting for life, I'll do it and do it gladly and recommend it to anyone going through cancer. Dr's know diddly about nutrition. That is a separate science all together. They do recommend a good diet as adjuvant therapy.

Have a good day and good eatin!

How I learned to start worrying and learned to hate the Government

Today in the mail, a notice arrived from the IL Tollway.
Dear Katherine,
Your vehicle has been recorded by the IL Tollway's enforcement camera system for not paying proper toll.
HUH?
First, for those that do not live in IL, our now impeached governor decided that the Tollway was an untapped revenue source to really screw out of state motorists who need to trek through our state using the tollway system. IL residents and some out of state ones, were encouraged to request what's called an IPASS and fund it. It's a little transponder that sits on the windshield of the car and must be funded with a minimum of $40. Every time we go through the toll, our little transponder deducts the toll from the $40. With this little transponder, we pay 50c. Those without the little transponder, pay $1. I was a good citizen and ordered the little transponder and funded it with my $40 and always keep a decent balance on the thing though I rarely use the tollway. As my transponder has been a permanent fixture in my vehicle, I could not figure out why I was being fined for unpaid tolls. I was being fined $65 for 3 tolls I incurred all on the same day, 11/27/2008. So I called the little customer service number and spoke to a customer service rep.
I gave her my transponder number and DL number and she pulled up my account to make sure it was funded and valid. Seeing that it was, she removed the cost of the violation and stated that the problem was the license plate number contained a dash on the website and that this dash may have been the reason that the account did not get credited properly. She then asked if I agreed to pay the $5 toll. Wait a minute, says I, why do I have to pay $5? I have the transponder, I should only have to pay $2.50. Well, there was a dash in the License plate in your account, she explained, that is why you owe $5.
So your system couldn't manage to find my transponder info but managed to find my mailing address and your beaurocrats couldn't figure out who to charge and that is somehow my fault?
Well, says the government employee, you set up your account.
I set up my account 3 years ago. I have been using the IPASS system since and have never had a violation. If the DASH was a problem, why didn't the website state the license was in a wrong format?
We do that now, she explained, but then we didn't.
Then how was I supposed to know to leave it off?
I don't know.
Well then how is this my fault?
Well you set up the account.
3 YEARS AGO!!!!....
She then proceeded to hang up on me.

This may be amusing to read for some and provided it was only $2.50 but I wasn't going to win this argument and the lady debited my account the full 5 bux. I wrote a letter of complaint, but I'm sure that $2.50 will help fill a pothole and it will never be recouped. It was the principle more than anything else.
My Libertarianism is shining through more and more every day. I just don't have the patience to deal with something like this for a lousy $2.50, but what about when trying to get medical care or payments for it in a government system? I dumped my HMO because I was tired as Hell of fighting the clerk in the IPA who insisted that I did not need a Sarcoma Specialist because any old Oncologist needs to do. It's just not cost effective to send me to a specialist for just, I don't know...cancer. I fought that system and lost and paid my specialist out of my own pocket to get the care I needed. But I had that choice. What if all that is available is Medicare? What if the powers that be someday decide that a beaurocrat like the one I just dealt with at the Tollway, gets to decide my care? What if someday, it doesn't matter if I opt to pay for it? Health care ala Tom Dachle means even if you can afford it, a Dr. will not allowed to take it by law because it's not fair that someone has more means and can get better care?
A Government large enough to give you all you want, is powerful enough to take all you have----Thomas Jefferson, a man I have come to very much admire, though flawed in many ways. He's on my short list of people I would love to meet.

Please be wary of politicians bearing gifts. You will pay in ways that you had not intended, maybe even with your life.

And the envelope, please....

My first six weeks on Brivanib are finished which in Clinical Trial land, accounts for 2 cycles of medication, each cycle lasting 3 weeks. I was nervous all day. To quote the Beverly Hillbillies, I was as jumpy as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. The weather today was warm and sunny and I was hoping that would be a good omen as I pretty much prayed all the way to the U of C saying to myself "Please let there be stability. Please let there be stability." The fact that I was sitting in traffic waiting for road crews to finish filling pot holes didn't help. I just wanted to get there, collect my bad news and leave. Oncology wasn't quite so crowded today and I had my blood drawn fairly quickly and only waited about 10 minutes. My BP was high and my heart rate was elevated. No shock there. Sat in the office and waited for about 10 minutes going over the various scenarios in my head. Then I heard the voice of the trial nurse down the hall saying "I'll go get cycles 3 and 4" HMMM.. I would be on cycle three and four. The Dr. walked in then, asked me how I felt and cut right to the chase.

EVERYTHING SHRUNK AT LEAST 20%!!!!

I was soooo happy.. I got up, I hugged the trial nurse and the Dr. while practically crying because I've gotten such limited good news since this whole adventure began in 2006! Of course I realize that I have a long way to go. Of course I realize that there are bumps, dips and rocky roads in cancer but today, is a good day. Today it is something to celebrate. I left as soon as I received cycle 3 and 4, tipped the valet extra just for being there on this marvelous, fantastic, beautiful day and drove home.

I'd like to thank the academy, Joe, my sister Kris, my dad and the rest of the crew in Arizona, Nonalee, Lynne and all others in Team Iowa, Nita, my Aunts, cousins and my Grandma out there in Czech land who doesn't know I have cancer, my cyber friends and sarcoma friends who I have met during this adventure, Aubree, Elsa and her friend Michelle whose blog I read, "Card Blue" who I check on from time to time, the Sarcoma Alliance, The Sarcoma Foundation for attempting to bring awareness to the masses and support to the patients, to Liddy Shriver and Jennifer Hunter Yates and all those who are no longer with us but whose stories inspired family members resulting in fund raisers for clinical trials, may their memories continue to inspire and hopefully someday find a cure and thanks to all those that prayed for me, sent me emails, and read my random stupid thoughts out here on the internet... I was going to call you all Commie, homo loving, sons of guns but that line was already taken by Mr. Penn.

As it's Ash Wednesday, it's our customary tradition to have Long John Silvers. I stopped at church on the way home. I'm sure God fell over when he saw me there. It's been awhile but I keep in touch. I got my ashes and stayed for mass. It was Emily's first time in church and she was very good. Cassie asked where the Holy Water was because she wanted to see if it would burn Emily. HA HA HA...

Meds for another 6 weeks. Here's hoping and praying and working towards another 20% reduction...or better yet, that elusive NED status that I haven't seen in awhile.

The Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative is putting together "Moments in Sarcoma" for Sarcoma Awareness Week at the end of June. To add your thoughts visit:

Moments in Sarcoma

It could a moment of courage, compassion, feelings you may have had as a patient of friend of a patient. These will be published on the Team Sarcoma website.

Team Sarcoma is one of the few fundraisers designed to raise money for Sarcoma research. For more information on participation, how one can donate and get involved in a local event, the website is below.
Team Sarcoma 2009



The Jennifer Hunter Yates Sarcoma Foundation is also hosting their annual walk.
Please see the link below for information on how you can contribute via donation or volunteerism if you live in the Boston area.

Jennifer Hunter
Yates

Jennifer had a Nerve Sheath Tumor like I have. She also had Osteosarcoma. It took me one second after reading her story to say SCREW THE ECONOMY and I donated to this foundation and to the Sarcoma Foundation of America so they can continue to fund clinical trials, patient education and support.

Please consider donating a portion of your tax refund to either Liddy Shriver, Jennifer Yates Foundation or the Sarcoma Foundation of America.

A little down

Some say TGIF but I am just not feeling very festive today. Yesterday, was my scan. The results will either allow me to stay in the trial or they will indicate that the treatment isn't working. I received a phone call that the results were in from my local Oncologist who I'm not sure I like too much. Well, I mean he's an OK guy but he left a bad taste in my mouth. The day I sat in his office to receive the results of my lung biopsy was not exactly a happy day. I had just been told that secondary tumors were in my lung. Approximately 4 were measurable. 5 were as tiny as grains of sand and all around the Pleura. He came into the office and handed me a piece of paper with a name. Here you go! He's a specialist. He'll know what to do with you. You need some sort of chemo. I asked to see the biopsy and CT results. I had questions. I was in shock. I was scared. He told me he had other patients to see. If I wanted to see the records talk to the desk. Have a nice day! Good luck pursuing treatment! So, today the phone rings from his office. "We have your scan results. Dr. Y wants to know what he's supposed to do with them. Do you need to come in?" I told her that I don't need an appt. I'm being seen elsewhere. And for some reason after I hung up the phone, all the feelings of the day I received my lung biopsy results came flooding back. I felt doomed and I'm fighting at this moment to feel any shred of positivity. To date, I've had 5 scans and a long biopsy. One of those scans showed stability and was the only GOOD news that I have received since May 5, 2006. I am fighting with a "Nothing goes right for me" mentality and though am trying hard to think positively regarding these results, I can't right now. Sucked into Cancer sucks mentality and a WHY ME mode, is not how I want to spend my day. I was up late finishing up work and then decided stupidly to play on Facebook until midnight. Emily woke me up 6 hours later and proceeded to engage in a morning long hissy fit. My attitude could be just a result of SHEEER TIREDNESS or maybe just deluding myself into thinking that changing my diet, my lifestyle and all the other changing is going to make a Hell's bit of difference with this disease. Maybe I've just been conditioned to expect the worst and I usually get it. STUPID CANCER!! STUPID CT SCAN!! STUPID IMAGING DEPT!! STUPID ONCOLOGIST!! STUPID NEEDLES! STUPID CONTRAST DYE!! STUPID BARIUM SULFATE!! STUPID DAMN CLINICAL TRIAL!!! STUPID BRIVANIB THAT BETTER WORK!

Just to be snarky, I didn't drink all the BARIUM! TAKE THAT, CT SCAN!!

Maybe I should just take my focus right now and instead of writing myself into despair, list some ways in which I am fortunate.

1) Physically, I feel great! I have no aches, pains, problems eating, sleeping, drinking, or doing any of my usual activities.

2) I have a JOB!

3) Right now, no toxic chemotherapy making me lose hair, lunch, appetite, immune system function, and blood counts

4) ummm...ok running out of ideas.... I have a car that runs, I can pay my mortgage (at least for now)

5) I have good friends and family.

6) I found a pair of clean white socks!

Anything else?

Flu season is in full swing. Three weeks ago, I was the first to contract a 24 hour stomach bug which I passed to each of my children. This past weekend, Kris and Cass were lounging around with fevers, aches, pains and gastrointestinal distress all day on Sunday. Great! I thought, right in time to give it to me before my scan tomorrow. As predicted, they returned the favor and my stomach is starting to complain and I've have had little bouts of nausea and a few unanticipated trips to the bathroom. Tomorrow, if my industrious white blood cells can't contain it, I expect I'll have to drink that awful tasting yucky stuff and really irritate matters. It tastes so awful going down, I just don't want to deal with the prospect of having it come up again. Moving on.....

Here are some hazzards that come when your children/son takes over laundry duty.

1) I put items in the laundry after our trip to Wisconsin in JULY!!! My son just delivered a few of them back to my room. Trust me, he doesn't discriminate. Emily's summer clothes have just been found as well. Where they were hiding? I have no idea. I know where they weren't.

2) Most of my pastels have a nice bluish tint. Why? Because everything gets washed together in cold water. Whites, pastels, jeans...doesn't matter in my son's world. All get equal treatment. Socialism for clothing!!!

3) At least 4 of my black items, a pair of socks, and two shirts, were bleached. As only one of my black socks was bleached, I now have one brownish sock and one black sock. One of my favorite tank tops that had black stripes, is now a grayish tank top with brown stripes. Thanks KRIS!

4) I haven't been able to find a matching pair of socks in WEEKS. My son hates to do socks and though they get washed with dark clothes, they don't get put away. They are shoved in a laundry basket which is eventually used for new dirty clothes. The dirties are mixed with the cleans and VOILA! Washed again and again and again, sometimes in bleach water, sometimes in with the jeans. I have bought 12 new pairs of socks since. I have yet to see one exit the laundry process.

5) I had to have a long talk with the boy on the importance of cleaning the lint trap. It apparently was too much trouble to remove the lint and throw it away. Until I explained to him the FIRE DANGER, my son was oblivious. So now he is better about the lint trap but the lint is tossed on top of the dryer instead of in the trash. It gets mixed with the piles of wash he puts there and not only do I have bleached clothes, I have mighty clean lint.

6) Throwing away empty detergent containers never happens. The recycling bin is 10 feet away. Doesn't matter. I have empty detergent containers everywhere.

So today, I decided to help out a bit and remove some of the wash from the system. In one day, I have put away more clothes than my son or daughter have put away in 6 months. I am just excited that out of this deal, I may get one pair of sparkling white socks.

Wish me luck and prayers on that scan tomorrow. I hate them! I hate them! I hate them! My Doctor actually asked me why I hated them so much and why others do as well. Don't we want to know? NO!! Not always! Especially when we are conditioned for bad news. Also, please if you can, add this couple to your prayers:

Prayer request for Gary and Cindy Hogman:
Gary is serving in Iraq while his young wife is fighting cancer here.
Prayer is a powerful thing and this couple needs our prayers. It must be
terribly difficult to be in Iraq with a sick wife at home. . .

I received this from a contact who works for the American Cancer Society.