I noticed that I am more likely to jot down thoughts here on Monday, Tues or Wed. Towards the end of the week, I get caught up in a million things and generally none of those things are worthy of pen time. On Thursday, I bowl. On Friday, I work a double shift. On Saturday, I work then come home and yell at the kids for not doing their chores. On Sunday, I work then come home and yell at the kids for not doing their chores. My life has settled into a routine that is just hard to break. This past Saturday, I was blessed with a short day at BigBoxMart. To celebrate, I made a date with a carpet shampooer. I was very late with my after Christmas, remove the celebration, cleaning. So, while the world was out celebrating, I was here celebrating a clean carpet that was until my neighbor called and asked if I wanted to go to Red Lobster. Well! Is the Pope Catholic? I finished my carpet and took the kids out for Valentine's Day vittles. We waited two hours for a table. For whatever reason, the economic problems of the nation were suspended on Saturday as half of the Northwestern suburbs was waiting in the 10x12 lobby of the Red Lobster. I downed two Pina Coladas, some coconut shrimp and a grilled shrimp skewer and blew my usual nutritional protocol for the day. But, oh well. Once in awhile, I don't feel guilty cheating a bit. Sunday, I worked a shorter day and went shopping to buy the kids some shoes, Em her new booster seat, and some groceries. Then came home, washed two floors, cleaned the kitchen and got Emily showered. Kris and Cass were moaning they didn't feel well and both had temperatures. Emily had plenty of energy and I didn't. Life is not fair.
Today, I woke up to hear another news story about another Chicago Democrat caught in another corruption scandal. When will IL learn? When you send mopes to Congress, State, Federal and White House, you get what you deserve. High taxes, an increased welfare state, a broke IL/US, HUGE deficits, high gas prices, high property taxes, inefficient government and scandal. Now that IL is a late night joke, I have no doubt that my fellow IL and US citizens will rectify the situation by voting in more Democrats. We just can't have enough corruption and stupidity. Funny thing is, I considered myself a Democrat when I voted in my very first election. Both the politicians I voted for went down in a scandal. I learned. Pay attention to what you are voting for, study the issues, stay informed and always put LIBERTY as the number one priority and vote for those who are best able to protect it and actually respect the Constitution. Those so called "Progressives" who have hijacked the Democrat Party want the age old document replaced to ensure that the Nanny State is alive and well and Big Brother has a permanent place in our education system, our homes, our streets and public places. I am now a fiscal conservative but more Socially Liberal in that I don't believe the government should interfere in the lives of consenting adults. I also believe that while women taut their abortion rights as a choice issue, I believe that choice is a two way street. Churches, Dr's, individuals, institutions that object to abortion should be allowed to excercise their conscience and not be forced to do something or advocate something they deem immoral. I feel the same about gay marriage. If a church doesn't want to perform a marriage between two gay individuals, they should not be required to but I have no problem with the performed civil unions and domestic partner agreements. And since we have so many screaming to get God out of government, perhaps Government should stay out of God. I am a Libertarian, more firmly entrenched in the Libertarian position than ever. We need to take a lesson from the bankers. When you reach for a handout from the Government, the Government WILL tell you how that handout is to be used. Of course, this only applies to bankers. I don't see the same scrutiny of Public Aid recipients who live on Government money. Anyone who loves their freedom ought to know that protecting it means, don't rely on Government provide your lifestyle. Then you are beholden to no one. So, after seeing the life that the government can choose for me, Section 8 and Food stamps vs what I can do for myself, a nicer house and food that is actually healthy and nutritious, I choose to do for myself. It's hard. It's work. It's sacrifice. But if I can't be happy with what I have, then I can't really be happy with anything.
Those that sacrifice liberty for safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Just stuff
Here is my attempt to pass the time. It's 15 minutes before I need to retrieve Emily from daycare. Too late to start another order as I'll just have to leave in the middle of it. So, I thought I'd type some thoughts here.
At BigBoxMart this past weekend, I was placed in a very very uncomfortable position and it rather bothered me. I live in a culturally diverse area and my Big Box Mart serves the old, the young, the poor, the rich and everyone in between. On any given day, one can find a few brand new Mercedes parked next to a rusty old Toyota Corolla that looks fresh from the scrap pile. In these economic times, the fabulously wealthy and there are many in this area, are perfectly content to wear $10 jeans alongside America's poor. Our store takes IL LINK which is basically a debit card containing food money for those on Public Assistance and about 30% of the people I serve use it. That said, I am not a fan of the welfare system and many of us who work in the store have seen some egregious uses of taxpayer money as those on Public Assistance have bought $50 worth of candy on food stamps and used their taxpayer provided cash for alcohol or cigarettes. We have also seen the old and tired, the mentally ill, and the disabled use public assistance as well and recognize that these people have a unique set of circumstances that have brought them to Public Aid. My issues with welfare rests with the process that allows egregious uses and abuses as one woman with a Link Card pulled it out of a Prada bag and wore designer clothes. (Perhaps she was shopping for someone else? I don't know) along with those that have fallen on some hard luck and need temporary relief. Either way, our politicians sign people up for assistance but have not set forth an exit plan or encourage its users to take advantage of the free education, free job training and other back to work programs. Mother IL has failed to teach her fledglings to fly and without incentives to leave the system, we have tossed trillions of dollars into welfare and produced not one less poor person. For some of those who come from foreign countries with a lesser standard of living, they are perfectly content to stay on welfare and reap the benefits of other people's money. As a mom, I know that my children won't do squat without prodding and a good old fashioned kick in the pants to teach my chicks how to eventually leave the nest and become productive members of society. As I am talking about the able bodied, not the mentally disabled people that use the system, I don't want a single criticism of how uncaring I am for not wanting to fund the lifestyles of the idle poor any longer than is necessary. I would like to see those that are able, realize a dream, invest in their own futures, care about their education, overcome their circumstances and live a life that they choose, not a life that the government chooses for them. I also know that some on welfare are working hard to leave it and some have fallen on hard times due to a death or a job loss or some other life curve ball and I reserve my ire to the politicians in this state who have not attempted any sort of reform and not towards the patrons because I really don't have a clue what their circumstances are or why they ended up on the public dole. I myself used the system when my husband stupidly walked out of his job, spent our savings on junk, drink and smokes, and me, pregnant, had to leave work for a few months to have a baby. I dragged myself into the Public Aid office which was not easy to do and used food stamps for 3 months. I smile at my PA customers, wish them a nice day and I mean it.
A man, his wife and his small child of about 6 months came through my line. It was obvious he was new to the country and new to the area. He asked me if we took Link and I stated yes we did. As I was ringing up his groceries, a woman behind him in the line looked at him and said "This is a joke!!" She proceeded to shake her head and speak under her breath and as he swiped his Link card through the reader, she said again, louder this time, THIS IS A JOKE! ALL THAT FOR FREE! YOU DON"T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH! I felt my face getting red and I felt for the man. I'm sure that living on Public Assistance was not what he imagined for his family and neither I nor that lady was standing in that mans shoes. Did she forget that this man was also a human being with feelings? I have heard the term "Burden to the taxpayer" tossed around a lot. I hear it in regard to public aid recipients but I have also heard it in regard to smokers, those who drink more than a beer a night, those who are old, those who are disabled and even in regard to those of us with chronic diseases such as cancer or diabetes. Somehow, the blame for the high cost of healthcare has moved to those of us who use insurance and not to the MANY factors such as the rigorous regulation of the entire industry, the millions of dollars of award money for lawsuits that drive up the cost of malpractice insurance, the ability of a foreign person to come here, get treated, cost the hospital millions and not pay a single bill and many other factors. It is not ME the patient that caused this and the minute we start looking at our fellow man as a cost problem, I think we in America have lost our humanity. It is not secret among my friends and family that I am not a big fan of Government or politicians. I blame them and their rhetoric most of all for dehumanizing some aspect of our population. Bill Clinton waged a war on smokers. Obama, a rich man, waged a war on rich people and corporations accusing THEM as being greedy not one time calling out the greedy and idle rich sitting in Congress such as Barney Frank who was caught with male prostitutes, the Clinton's and their multiple transgressions, Chris Dodd who reaped great profit from failed bank, Countrywide, Franklin Raines, one of the many who bankrupted Fanny Mae, Ted " I let my girlfriend drown" Kennedy... Hypocrisy abounds in both parties and as the recession has deepened, so have the fingers of blame been pointed at everyone and everything for the cause. I don't know all the factors that led to this recession. I do know that it was not caused by a Mexican man who paid for his groceries with Food Stamps, Sunday.
At BigBoxMart this past weekend, I was placed in a very very uncomfortable position and it rather bothered me. I live in a culturally diverse area and my Big Box Mart serves the old, the young, the poor, the rich and everyone in between. On any given day, one can find a few brand new Mercedes parked next to a rusty old Toyota Corolla that looks fresh from the scrap pile. In these economic times, the fabulously wealthy and there are many in this area, are perfectly content to wear $10 jeans alongside America's poor. Our store takes IL LINK which is basically a debit card containing food money for those on Public Assistance and about 30% of the people I serve use it. That said, I am not a fan of the welfare system and many of us who work in the store have seen some egregious uses of taxpayer money as those on Public Assistance have bought $50 worth of candy on food stamps and used their taxpayer provided cash for alcohol or cigarettes. We have also seen the old and tired, the mentally ill, and the disabled use public assistance as well and recognize that these people have a unique set of circumstances that have brought them to Public Aid. My issues with welfare rests with the process that allows egregious uses and abuses as one woman with a Link Card pulled it out of a Prada bag and wore designer clothes. (Perhaps she was shopping for someone else? I don't know) along with those that have fallen on some hard luck and need temporary relief. Either way, our politicians sign people up for assistance but have not set forth an exit plan or encourage its users to take advantage of the free education, free job training and other back to work programs. Mother IL has failed to teach her fledglings to fly and without incentives to leave the system, we have tossed trillions of dollars into welfare and produced not one less poor person. For some of those who come from foreign countries with a lesser standard of living, they are perfectly content to stay on welfare and reap the benefits of other people's money. As a mom, I know that my children won't do squat without prodding and a good old fashioned kick in the pants to teach my chicks how to eventually leave the nest and become productive members of society. As I am talking about the able bodied, not the mentally disabled people that use the system, I don't want a single criticism of how uncaring I am for not wanting to fund the lifestyles of the idle poor any longer than is necessary. I would like to see those that are able, realize a dream, invest in their own futures, care about their education, overcome their circumstances and live a life that they choose, not a life that the government chooses for them. I also know that some on welfare are working hard to leave it and some have fallen on hard times due to a death or a job loss or some other life curve ball and I reserve my ire to the politicians in this state who have not attempted any sort of reform and not towards the patrons because I really don't have a clue what their circumstances are or why they ended up on the public dole. I myself used the system when my husband stupidly walked out of his job, spent our savings on junk, drink and smokes, and me, pregnant, had to leave work for a few months to have a baby. I dragged myself into the Public Aid office which was not easy to do and used food stamps for 3 months. I smile at my PA customers, wish them a nice day and I mean it.
A man, his wife and his small child of about 6 months came through my line. It was obvious he was new to the country and new to the area. He asked me if we took Link and I stated yes we did. As I was ringing up his groceries, a woman behind him in the line looked at him and said "This is a joke!!" She proceeded to shake her head and speak under her breath and as he swiped his Link card through the reader, she said again, louder this time, THIS IS A JOKE! ALL THAT FOR FREE! YOU DON"T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH! I felt my face getting red and I felt for the man. I'm sure that living on Public Assistance was not what he imagined for his family and neither I nor that lady was standing in that mans shoes. Did she forget that this man was also a human being with feelings? I have heard the term "Burden to the taxpayer" tossed around a lot. I hear it in regard to public aid recipients but I have also heard it in regard to smokers, those who drink more than a beer a night, those who are old, those who are disabled and even in regard to those of us with chronic diseases such as cancer or diabetes. Somehow, the blame for the high cost of healthcare has moved to those of us who use insurance and not to the MANY factors such as the rigorous regulation of the entire industry, the millions of dollars of award money for lawsuits that drive up the cost of malpractice insurance, the ability of a foreign person to come here, get treated, cost the hospital millions and not pay a single bill and many other factors. It is not ME the patient that caused this and the minute we start looking at our fellow man as a cost problem, I think we in America have lost our humanity. It is not secret among my friends and family that I am not a big fan of Government or politicians. I blame them and their rhetoric most of all for dehumanizing some aspect of our population. Bill Clinton waged a war on smokers. Obama, a rich man, waged a war on rich people and corporations accusing THEM as being greedy not one time calling out the greedy and idle rich sitting in Congress such as Barney Frank who was caught with male prostitutes, the Clinton's and their multiple transgressions, Chris Dodd who reaped great profit from failed bank, Countrywide, Franklin Raines, one of the many who bankrupted Fanny Mae, Ted " I let my girlfriend drown" Kennedy... Hypocrisy abounds in both parties and as the recession has deepened, so have the fingers of blame been pointed at everyone and everything for the cause. I don't know all the factors that led to this recession. I do know that it was not caused by a Mexican man who paid for his groceries with Food Stamps, Sunday.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Where did the weekend go?
It's been a long weekend and a very difficult week. There were problems on the home front and problems on the work front. My son seems to be having some issues with everything, school, home, friends. Some of these issues concern me. My sons priorities are with his friends and there seems to be no motivation to succeed in school as illustrated by 3 detentions last week and 2 letters to me regarding Kris's transgressions which are so far, his inability to make it to class on time and his inability to remember his ID badge. This year, he has been late to first period 4 times. This year, he has forgotten his ID badge 7 times and lost it 3 times. At home, I never see him study. I do see him downstairs watching TV or playing Rock Band on the XBOX. His grades at the Semester weren't horrible, 4 B's and 2 C's which was up from 1 A, 1B, 1 C, 2 D's and an F at the midterm. Due to my need to work a second job, I transferred the responsibilities of the house to Kris and Cassie ie in the form of cleaning it and taking care of the laundry. For one year, my house has been a perpetual disaster. My children complain that all they do is clean but when I look around the house, I wonder what in the world they cleaned. They certainly don't dust and if they do, things like dusting under knick knacks is a foreign concept. They simply run the dust rag along the edge of the shelf. Using Windex? Forget it. What fingerprints!? They don't see any fingerprints. The windows, bathroom mirror, TV's and glass on the china cabinet has never been touched by them. Vacuuming? forget it. They don't move anything out of the way or pick anything up and if it's an area that needs an attachment to get to it, they don't bother. They laundry is piled in my room. It gets washed when I wash it. As far as putting it away, forget it. The clean laundry sits in the laundry baskets and washed again and rewashed so they don't have to put it away. I've been missing my socks for months because my kids hate doing them so much, my son hid them in the back of his closet. A few weeks ago, I spent 3 hours in Emily's room playing a game of "Find Emily's clothes." They were hidden all over the house, under her bed, shoved in my drawers, shoved in my closet, shoved in Kris's drawer, shoved in Kris's closet, sitting in a laundry basket in the utility room, shoved in her night table.. Emily had not one sock in her drawer, not one pair of underwear, and her closet was nothing but empty hangers. After I replenished her closet and put all her clothes away, I showed Kris where I wanted things: what I wanted hung up, what I wanted folded and in a drawer, where her socks went etc. So, the following week Kris said, I put Em's stuff away, can I go out? Without checking, (dummy me) I said yes and went into Em's room only to find he shoved everything in the same drawer and I do mean shoved there. Another hour spent putting her things away grumbling to myself. My own room is a disaster to behold but as I'm wasting time redoing things the kids supposedly did, I haven't been able to dig myself out. My frustration level is rising and I'm finding that I am less and less tolerant of his behavior, Em's behavior and Cassie's constant whining that she wants to go to the mall and spend imaginary money and can't because I'm a slave driver. I am more and more resentful that I am working two jobs to make my ends meet. One of the side effects of cancer and treatment is BILLS!! LOTS AND LOTS OF BILLS!! BIG BILLS that I'm still figuring out how to pay despite the fact that I have insurance. No insurance covers everything and I don't complain about it. I look at my medical insurance as just important as my auto insurance, home insurance and other bills and I am 100% opposed to the government taking it over, capping salaries, firing administrators in these uncertain economic times and forcing all of us to have a medicaid card which is so inefficient, beaurocratic and expensive. (I used medicaid for a year. It took the government 2 years to pay my bills and I was sent to collection waiting. Please, oppose any governmental interference and work with the private sector to fix this. The government caused most issues with the high cost of medicine in the first place. Choices are important to a Sarcoma patient. HMO's suck. HMO's are a government created plan. Too much paperwork. Too much fighting. I digress.) It was still hard to receive my tax bill which was 1600 and then a 1K bill from the hospital on the same day. So, I sell cheap socks at Wal-Mart on the weekends to help even things out. If I didn't, I'd be in more trouble and I've explained this to these children time and time and time again. I used to clean the whole house on one Saturday minus the kids rooms. The laundry was done and put away. My room wasn't such a pig pen. One of me did this. Two of my children can't get one room clean in 2 days. There are always excuses and their main one is to blame their little sister. So, Kris had the flu last Thursday. All of my kids had the flu last week, Tuesday was Em's turn, Wednesday was Cassie's turn and Thursday was Kris's turn. It took Kris a little longer to recover than the other two due to his diet of soda and pizza puffs and he lounged around playing PS2 and watching "Supernatural" Season 2. I gave him a pass but he wanted to go to his friend's band practice on Sunday at 1:30. My response was in order to leave the house, he had to finish his responsibilities FIRST. If they weren't done, he wasn't to leave the house. I wanted his room cleaned with floor washed, bathroom done, dust and vacuum the family room and wash the floor and put away the laundry he had piled up on the counter top in the laundry room plus the other laundry baskets folded and put away and sweep up the cat litter that was spilled. I worked two 8 hour days. On Sunday, I went grocery shopping. Yesterday, there was a huge run on 20 lb bottle water, 13 lb cat litter, 20 lbs of dog food bags and one guy bought 100lbs worth of weights I had to lift to scan. My back was killing me. My arms were killing me. Then, I went to the grocery store and bought $150 worth of groceries which I bagged myself and put into the car. I got home and.......nothing was done. The laundry was still piled. The kitchen was still a mess. The dishwasher was emptied but the sink was full of dishes. The bathroom was still a mess. My room still had 3 piles of dirty laundry that the kids didn't touch. The LR had not been vacuumed, dusted, or Windexed. The Dining room table had a new pile of papers. And someone spilled some bamboo skewers onto the floor in the kitchen and left them there. To make matters worse for my children, the laundry in the utility room and the spilled cat litter was still there and my son was not. He left at 11. It was 7 pm and he was still gone. I ......BLEW.........UP! I was stifling back tears of frustration and anger and utter disappointment that after talking to my kids AGAIN this week about how important it is that they pitch in and why, they blew me off. As I promised Kris, I grounded him for 2 weeks. Cassie would have gotten a lighter sentence if she had just been quiet but she had to talk back and sass me while insisting that Emily trashed the whole house after she cleaned it. Since the kitchen table still had crumbs from the Chinese food I ordered on Saturday, I knew she was plain lying about wiping anything down and that ticked me off more. After I blew up, my son went downstairs and as usual, did nothing and Cassie went to go whine to her friends about what an ogre I am. Em went to bed. The house is still a mess. I'm still ticked off and every ache in my back and arms is just fuel for my ire at this moment. Thank you for reading me complain. Now, as I am about to tackle my AT&T inbox which is chock full of work for me, I am trying to gather my composure while thanking the Lord I still have a job and have been struggling to keep in in the midst of dealing with cancer and my kids.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Thus ends Cycle 1
I have been on the Brivanib 3 weeks and Cycle 1 is now complete. To celebrate, I spent the entire darn day at the U of C, dragging myself out of bed at 5:00am so I could pack a lunch, get dressed, have breakfast and some coffee. Getting Emily up was a bit of a challenge. Em spent the day in bed yesterday after throwing up all night. She was quite exhausted and didn't want to be disturbed by any means and told me she wasn't getting out of bed until the sun came up! Smart girl!
Sat in traffic as usual for 90 minutes and was 30 minutes late. Took the first blood draw and I was told to be back in 3 hours so I wandered down to the 4th floor atrium and joined the Gilda's Club meeting and talked to one cancer caretaker and another cancer patient until the 1:00pm draw. We had some vein issues at that draw and after the nurse dug the needle in my arm a few times I said "the other arm is juicier. Try using that one." A nice bruise is forming on both arms. The clinical trial nurse came to talk to me and stated that my Platelet count was a little low last week so he ordered another CBC. He said not to worry, they weren't low enough that I'll bleed to death but the number was below normal and he was concerned that it was a side effect of the drug. OH YAY!! Something else to worry about. I went downstairs after the draw and though, great! What if I get kicked out of the study for this. Then what? It replaced my worries that my CT scan will not show any stability or improvement for just a little while. I decided to just chill and eat my lunch, realized I forgot a fork and wandered to the cafeteria hoping that the forks would be outside in the dining room but no.. they were by the cashier. Bought a little fruit bowl just so I could take a fork and knife and then went back downstairs to my comfy chair in the 4th floor atrium. I ate the fruit and was just starting on my salad when I heard my name being called upstairs. The 5th and 6th floors are built so that they overlook the 4th floor atrium. The chairs I sit in are directly below Oncology and I can see the people waiting in line to check in. I jammed my salad back into my lunch box and went upstairs to see what I missed. Apparently, I had an appt to see the Dr. We went over my blood work and all is OK! WHEW! Blood pressure is normal. Temp was normal. Weight is unchanged. Blood work is normal. My body seems to be handling this drug just fine. So starts Cycle 2. In two weeks, I'll be scanned and we shall see if there are any positive results. After no positive results for any of these scan things, I am very, very, anxious about this one. Cancer patients call it Scanxiety. I am just loaded with it.
Now, I am home. I have had it with traffic! I am slipping in the matrix until the next scan and not giving cancer any pen time.
So far side effects have been:
Lightheadedness
Fatigue
Thirst
None have been to a degree that it has interfered with my life. I will start moving the drug time to nights so that the little lightheadedness and fatigue I feel will be while I sleep anyway.
Praying for good results!
Sat in traffic as usual for 90 minutes and was 30 minutes late. Took the first blood draw and I was told to be back in 3 hours so I wandered down to the 4th floor atrium and joined the Gilda's Club meeting and talked to one cancer caretaker and another cancer patient until the 1:00pm draw. We had some vein issues at that draw and after the nurse dug the needle in my arm a few times I said "the other arm is juicier. Try using that one." A nice bruise is forming on both arms. The clinical trial nurse came to talk to me and stated that my Platelet count was a little low last week so he ordered another CBC. He said not to worry, they weren't low enough that I'll bleed to death but the number was below normal and he was concerned that it was a side effect of the drug. OH YAY!! Something else to worry about. I went downstairs after the draw and though, great! What if I get kicked out of the study for this. Then what? It replaced my worries that my CT scan will not show any stability or improvement for just a little while. I decided to just chill and eat my lunch, realized I forgot a fork and wandered to the cafeteria hoping that the forks would be outside in the dining room but no.. they were by the cashier. Bought a little fruit bowl just so I could take a fork and knife and then went back downstairs to my comfy chair in the 4th floor atrium. I ate the fruit and was just starting on my salad when I heard my name being called upstairs. The 5th and 6th floors are built so that they overlook the 4th floor atrium. The chairs I sit in are directly below Oncology and I can see the people waiting in line to check in. I jammed my salad back into my lunch box and went upstairs to see what I missed. Apparently, I had an appt to see the Dr. We went over my blood work and all is OK! WHEW! Blood pressure is normal. Temp was normal. Weight is unchanged. Blood work is normal. My body seems to be handling this drug just fine. So starts Cycle 2. In two weeks, I'll be scanned and we shall see if there are any positive results. After no positive results for any of these scan things, I am very, very, anxious about this one. Cancer patients call it Scanxiety. I am just loaded with it.
Now, I am home. I have had it with traffic! I am slipping in the matrix until the next scan and not giving cancer any pen time.
So far side effects have been:
Lightheadedness
Fatigue
Thirst
None have been to a degree that it has interfered with my life. I will start moving the drug time to nights so that the little lightheadedness and fatigue I feel will be while I sleep anyway.
Praying for good results!
Monday, February 02, 2009
I'm feeling much better today. My stomach was still a little sensitive over the weekend and I was a little more tired than usual but this morning I woke up feeling good. The kids and I trekked to Iowa City this morning to visit Lynne and Nonalee and the kids. Emily had been pestering me for 2 weeks about the trip and every other word out of her mouth was "Iowa" and "We're going tomorrow right?" Mind you, she started this two weeks ago. Fortunately for her, the answer was eventually "Yes, we're leaving tomorrow." On the day of the trip, after running my errands, packing the car and getting the kids into the car, Emily started crying that she wanted to stay home because she was going to miss Cami, one of our cats. Go Figure! Em never could make up her mind. But she was a good girl with a few little minor meltdowns all weekend and SHE PASSED THE MOVIE TEST!! She actually sat through a movie in a movie theater. I'm proud of her! That is not something she could have done 3 months ago. The kids and I traditionally spend Super Bowl weekend doing our "Christmas". Travel is easy because no one is on the road, neither Lynne, Nonalee or I particularly care about the Super Bowl and have to ask eachother every year if we bothered to notice who was playing, businesses are empty and apparently, no one goes out to eat the day before Super Bowl either. We all went to the Ronneberg Restaurant in Amana, a restaurant that traditionally has lines and a completely full parking lot, and all 9 of us were seated immediately in our own private dining area BY THE BAR!! Anyone traveling to Iowa needs to go to Amana to eat. There is nothing like fresh German food served family style! Sauerkraut, German Potatoes, fresh Rye bread..mmmmmm Provided I eat mainly Vegetarian, I still consider myself a carnivore. I have no moral problem with meat. I am veggie for my health. I did have a few pieces of Schnitzel for old times sake and it did taste good! I'm half Czech and half Polish and have not met one single Vegetarian Polish/Czech person. Schnitzel is just in the blood and my grandmother makes the absolute best roast duck I have ever tasted. I have tried roast duck elsewhere but have not found anything close though Chef Paul's Bavarian House does a pretty good job. I digress. I hear the Steeler's won and the commercials were lame. Don't think I missed out on anything. Sorry to anyone in AZ who cared! The Cardinals are an IL transplant anyhow. Further proof that whatever ends up down there, came from up here first.
Alas! All good things come to an end and this morning it was back to work. My boss was irritated with me about something as usual and all is the way it was before. I had a nice long conversation this afternoon with another very frustrated Ma Bell employee who is a technical person like I am stuck in an admin job we don't particularly get excited about. He's another Libertarian! And I thought I was all alone out there...
Last night, I received my 6th invite to Facebook. Figuring it was a sign, I caved and registered but warned that the page would be lame until I have a new computer and some time to work on it.
Took my brivanib today and didn't experience the usual round of side effects. I didn't have my face down in my laptop around 2 ready to take a nap and no lightheadedness. I don't know if that is a good sign or just is. But, I'm not going to complain. My checkup scan is coming up in a couple weeks. After over 2 years of nothing but bad news with these scans, I am not looking forward to this one. I received bad news at my first post surgical scan, the scan at the one year anniversary of the surgery, the two year scan and the lung biopsy. I had one scan that showed stability and that was the only dot of good news I have gotten since May 5, 2006, the date of diagnosis. I'm not sure if I should convince myself to think positive or not get my hopes up and expect more bad news. My Oncologist was very positive about this drug. From what I'm reading on other blogs, they are reporting stability and partial responses. But there was one naysayer who had to mention that eventually these drugs stop working because she's seen it before and I should get my butt to a surgeon. Thanks a lot! I will settle for stability but am hoping and praying for Shrinkage. Shrinkage is a good thing for a cancer patient. :)
Alas! All good things come to an end and this morning it was back to work. My boss was irritated with me about something as usual and all is the way it was before. I had a nice long conversation this afternoon with another very frustrated Ma Bell employee who is a technical person like I am stuck in an admin job we don't particularly get excited about. He's another Libertarian! And I thought I was all alone out there...
Last night, I received my 6th invite to Facebook. Figuring it was a sign, I caved and registered but warned that the page would be lame until I have a new computer and some time to work on it.
Took my brivanib today and didn't experience the usual round of side effects. I didn't have my face down in my laptop around 2 ready to take a nap and no lightheadedness. I don't know if that is a good sign or just is. But, I'm not going to complain. My checkup scan is coming up in a couple weeks. After over 2 years of nothing but bad news with these scans, I am not looking forward to this one. I received bad news at my first post surgical scan, the scan at the one year anniversary of the surgery, the two year scan and the lung biopsy. I had one scan that showed stability and that was the only dot of good news I have gotten since May 5, 2006, the date of diagnosis. I'm not sure if I should convince myself to think positive or not get my hopes up and expect more bad news. My Oncologist was very positive about this drug. From what I'm reading on other blogs, they are reporting stability and partial responses. But there was one naysayer who had to mention that eventually these drugs stop working because she's seen it before and I should get my butt to a surgeon. Thanks a lot! I will settle for stability but am hoping and praying for Shrinkage. Shrinkage is a good thing for a cancer patient. :)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I feel yucky!
Yesterday, I woke up at about 5am with a little rumbly in the tumbly and suppressed the urge to throw up by lying down for a bit before I got up and did some work before heading off to the U of C for my weekly check in. I made it to the hospital, had my blood tested and reported my fluish symptoms to the clinical trial nurse. Before reviewing side effects any further, he stated he wanted my vitals taken. My BP was good and I had no temperature. I told him that I didn't think I felt like poo because of the drug. I headed out suppressing that urge to throw up but pulled my little car garbage can to the front seat just in case. Then I got stuck in traffic and sat and sat and sat. Told God that I didn't think this little cosmic joke was the least bit funny and could HE please part the red traffic sea and let me pass so I could get to the store and to home as soon as possible before I made a mess in my car. Cassie had called to let me know that I needed to pick her up some colored pencils for her Social Studies project and we needed more milk and spring water for my little spastic Beta fish's bowl. I hurried through Walmart, got Emily from daycare and drove home. I just barely made it to the bathroom in time. Then I spent the evening in bed watching Law and Order re-runs and a few old episodes of Cold Case. Emily was so cute and got my little bed tray and a glass of water for me and was very insistent that I drink some. She kept checking on me to make sure I was drinking the water she brought for me. I woke up once more at 1am, threw up some more and went back to bed. A couple days ago, I made myself a cream sauce for my rice and I used expired cream. I'm 99% sure that was what the problem was. I've had a slight temp that has been going down little by little throughout the day and is almost normal right now. But, I'm still feeling a little run down. I am 99% certain I'll feel better tomorrow.
I'm noticing that the side effects have been decreasing in intensity as I go along. I still feel the usual few hours of fatigue but I'm not so light headed and I sometimes am incredibly thirsty. Apparently, I am the first person to report thirst as a side effect in the U of C trial. I'll be scanned in a couple weeks to determine if this thing is actually working. I'm very nervous but don't feel any aches, pains, shortness of breath, or anything else. I am very sensitive to aches and pains. If I feel even the smallest twinge, I'm worrying. I know it's paranoid to worry about every little thing as being cancer related. After all, I'm over 40. Some of these things are just side effects of being middle aged and have nothing to do with anything but that.
Yesterday, I woke up at about 5am with a little rumbly in the tumbly and suppressed the urge to throw up by lying down for a bit before I got up and did some work before heading off to the U of C for my weekly check in. I made it to the hospital, had my blood tested and reported my fluish symptoms to the clinical trial nurse. Before reviewing side effects any further, he stated he wanted my vitals taken. My BP was good and I had no temperature. I told him that I didn't think I felt like poo because of the drug. I headed out suppressing that urge to throw up but pulled my little car garbage can to the front seat just in case. Then I got stuck in traffic and sat and sat and sat. Told God that I didn't think this little cosmic joke was the least bit funny and could HE please part the red traffic sea and let me pass so I could get to the store and to home as soon as possible before I made a mess in my car. Cassie had called to let me know that I needed to pick her up some colored pencils for her Social Studies project and we needed more milk and spring water for my little spastic Beta fish's bowl. I hurried through Walmart, got Emily from daycare and drove home. I just barely made it to the bathroom in time. Then I spent the evening in bed watching Law and Order re-runs and a few old episodes of Cold Case. Emily was so cute and got my little bed tray and a glass of water for me and was very insistent that I drink some. She kept checking on me to make sure I was drinking the water she brought for me. I woke up once more at 1am, threw up some more and went back to bed. A couple days ago, I made myself a cream sauce for my rice and I used expired cream. I'm 99% sure that was what the problem was. I've had a slight temp that has been going down little by little throughout the day and is almost normal right now. But, I'm still feeling a little run down. I am 99% certain I'll feel better tomorrow.
I'm noticing that the side effects have been decreasing in intensity as I go along. I still feel the usual few hours of fatigue but I'm not so light headed and I sometimes am incredibly thirsty. Apparently, I am the first person to report thirst as a side effect in the U of C trial. I'll be scanned in a couple weeks to determine if this thing is actually working. I'm very nervous but don't feel any aches, pains, shortness of breath, or anything else. I am very sensitive to aches and pains. If I feel even the smallest twinge, I'm worrying. I know it's paranoid to worry about every little thing as being cancer related. After all, I'm over 40. Some of these things are just side effects of being middle aged and have nothing to do with anything but that.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Things that piss me off
1) Laundry. It's never ending. Over the weekend, I put at least 5 loads of laundry away. Today, it's bbbaaaack!
2) Why do my children insist on putting empty boxes back into the pantry. They take the last of something and instead of throwing the darn box away, they shove it back into the pantry. I know why they do this. They think that if I see the box there, I won't know that it all got eaten. Eventually, I figure it out. The wrath may be delayed but they get it and an extra yelling at for not throwing away the empty.
3) Why can't my children put the DVD's back into the covers?
4) Why can't my children change the toilet paper roll? On the same note, the bath was without toilet paper for a week because neither of them could go get another roll. They used the Kleenex until I got sick of waiting for them to take some initiative and I went and got some more myself.
5) "For English, press 1" "For Spanish, press 2" "For Polish press 3"......
6) Wet pavement that sprays my windshield with dirty, road salt and I use a full container of window cleaner on one trip to the store.
7) My Alarm Clock
8) Stepping in wet cat yak on my way to the bathroom or waking up to the sound the cat yakking on my bed.
9) The 850 Billion Porkulus bill disguised as an "economic stimulus package."
10) Road Construction and potholes and traffic, Oh My!
11) A gutter ball after a spare.
12) The little plastic band-aid thingy's never get thrown away. They just get left on the counter or on the floor of the bathroom.
13) "We must do/enact "Insert liberty compromising stupid ban here" for the children.
14) Jon Stewart, Bathtub Boy Olbermann, Andrea Mitchell, Chris "I get tingles" Matthews and all the rest of the slobbering idiots that call themselves "journalists"
15) The Political Correctness movement. IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE NOT A HOLIDAY TREE!
16) People that use a $100 bill to pay for a 98 cent item.
17) Why does every single light and TV have to be on in this house?
18) Taking a shower only to find that one of my kids left the bath towel in a wet heap on their carpet instead of hanging it back in the bathroom to dry.
19) Where do all the socks go?
20) Writers Block. That's all folks!
2) Why do my children insist on putting empty boxes back into the pantry. They take the last of something and instead of throwing the darn box away, they shove it back into the pantry. I know why they do this. They think that if I see the box there, I won't know that it all got eaten. Eventually, I figure it out. The wrath may be delayed but they get it and an extra yelling at for not throwing away the empty.
3) Why can't my children put the DVD's back into the covers?
4) Why can't my children change the toilet paper roll? On the same note, the bath was without toilet paper for a week because neither of them could go get another roll. They used the Kleenex until I got sick of waiting for them to take some initiative and I went and got some more myself.
5) "For English, press 1" "For Spanish, press 2" "For Polish press 3"......
6) Wet pavement that sprays my windshield with dirty, road salt and I use a full container of window cleaner on one trip to the store.
7) My Alarm Clock
8) Stepping in wet cat yak on my way to the bathroom or waking up to the sound the cat yakking on my bed.
9) The 850 Billion Porkulus bill disguised as an "economic stimulus package."
10) Road Construction and potholes and traffic, Oh My!
11) A gutter ball after a spare.
12) The little plastic band-aid thingy's never get thrown away. They just get left on the counter or on the floor of the bathroom.
13) "We must do/enact "Insert liberty compromising stupid ban here" for the children.
14) Jon Stewart, Bathtub Boy Olbermann, Andrea Mitchell, Chris "I get tingles" Matthews and all the rest of the slobbering idiots that call themselves "journalists"
15) The Political Correctness movement. IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE NOT A HOLIDAY TREE!
16) People that use a $100 bill to pay for a 98 cent item.
17) Why does every single light and TV have to be on in this house?
18) Taking a shower only to find that one of my kids left the bath towel in a wet heap on their carpet instead of hanging it back in the bathroom to dry.
19) Where do all the socks go?
20) Writers Block. That's all folks!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Nothing new and exciting has happened here on this front.
The kids are back at school after their 5 day weekend. THANK GOD!! All the infighting and bickering was driving me crazy. Emily is doing well on her medicine. She is a little easier to deal with and the medicine hasn't taken away her Emily-ness. The little girl who insists on wearing mismatched clothing, writes her name on absolutely everything, dials 911, tosses toys everywhere, and is louder than any other child in the house, is alive and well. Parents of children who behave normally, don't understand what a victory it was to sit and have dinner and spend it actually eating and not chasing and shushing and yelling while dinner sits on the table getting cold. Parents of less hyper children can take their child to a movie without having to worry that their child will disrupt the house resulting in them having to leave and wasting that $10. They can take their child to a store and actually shop and not have to spend their time trying to keep their child from pulling clothes off racks and throwing them on the floor or stopping a hysterical tantrum because their child wanted something and they commit the cardinal sin of saying "NO!" They can take their child to a restaurant without having their child stand on a chair and tip it over, spill their drink, insist on sitting UNDER the table, or play with every conceivable thing on the table thus spilling salt and pepper, toppling water glasses, and throwing food. Save the movie example, Emily has done all of these things. It was to the point where I shuddered every time I had to take her out in public and dreaded it. One recent trip to Chef Paul's for some good German food went well until the very end when Emily ran around and around the table, then grabbed a stack full of to go boxes from the wait stand and screamed when I told her to put them back. After I made her sit in her seat, she kicked the table and toppled her Pepsi spilling it everywhere. That's when we all got up and got our coats and said, "Wouldn't it be nice to go somewhere and not HAVE to leave?"
I took Em out for a test run last Tuesday. We went to the store and then out to eat. I was nervous but Emily was great! She behaved. She ate her dinner. She didn't leave a trail of destruction in the store. It was wonderful! Many of my cohorts in the natural and holistic community recommended treating her ADHD with fish oil and herbs and warned against medicating her. I am glad that I decided to medicate her. It's really made such a huge difference but she is still Little Miss Independent and insists on dressing herself, making her own breakfast (under mom's watchful eye of course)and putting on her own shoes, coat and hat. My theory on healing is to use the best of all worlds and hope for synergy. This child can rule the world if she can just learn to rule herself. She is smart and creative and funny and she does things on her terms. She is a survivor, a fighter, and a great kid. Despite all the difficulties with her behavior, I just can't imagine not having Emily around. Those who focus too much on how loud she is or difficult can be, are missing out on how funny she can be or all the smart things she says. They are missing the big picture by focusing too much on her imperfections. The best thing about Emily is, she likes me. My teenagers, Kris and Cassie, are off in their own little worlds and there isn't room for their embarrassing mom anymore. I seriously don't have to do anything to embarrass them. All I have to do to embarrass them is be seen in their presence amongst the teen set they hang around with. Cassie is currently sitting here yelling at ME because she didn't put her favorite DVD back in the cover and it is now missing.
Yesterday was appointment two at the U of C. It was an easy one. I drove there and it took 90 minutes. I went and got my blood tested, had my BP taken and my temp (BP was a little high but they said this med has a tendency to increase BP). 20 minutes later, I was in the car driving back home which took another 90 minutes. I spent the evening working to make up for the 4 hours I was gone and worked until 10:30. This morning, my back is tense from all the sitting.
Life in the fast lane!
The kids are back at school after their 5 day weekend. THANK GOD!! All the infighting and bickering was driving me crazy. Emily is doing well on her medicine. She is a little easier to deal with and the medicine hasn't taken away her Emily-ness. The little girl who insists on wearing mismatched clothing, writes her name on absolutely everything, dials 911, tosses toys everywhere, and is louder than any other child in the house, is alive and well. Parents of children who behave normally, don't understand what a victory it was to sit and have dinner and spend it actually eating and not chasing and shushing and yelling while dinner sits on the table getting cold. Parents of less hyper children can take their child to a movie without having to worry that their child will disrupt the house resulting in them having to leave and wasting that $10. They can take their child to a store and actually shop and not have to spend their time trying to keep their child from pulling clothes off racks and throwing them on the floor or stopping a hysterical tantrum because their child wanted something and they commit the cardinal sin of saying "NO!" They can take their child to a restaurant without having their child stand on a chair and tip it over, spill their drink, insist on sitting UNDER the table, or play with every conceivable thing on the table thus spilling salt and pepper, toppling water glasses, and throwing food. Save the movie example, Emily has done all of these things. It was to the point where I shuddered every time I had to take her out in public and dreaded it. One recent trip to Chef Paul's for some good German food went well until the very end when Emily ran around and around the table, then grabbed a stack full of to go boxes from the wait stand and screamed when I told her to put them back. After I made her sit in her seat, she kicked the table and toppled her Pepsi spilling it everywhere. That's when we all got up and got our coats and said, "Wouldn't it be nice to go somewhere and not HAVE to leave?"
I took Em out for a test run last Tuesday. We went to the store and then out to eat. I was nervous but Emily was great! She behaved. She ate her dinner. She didn't leave a trail of destruction in the store. It was wonderful! Many of my cohorts in the natural and holistic community recommended treating her ADHD with fish oil and herbs and warned against medicating her. I am glad that I decided to medicate her. It's really made such a huge difference but she is still Little Miss Independent and insists on dressing herself, making her own breakfast (under mom's watchful eye of course)and putting on her own shoes, coat and hat. My theory on healing is to use the best of all worlds and hope for synergy. This child can rule the world if she can just learn to rule herself. She is smart and creative and funny and she does things on her terms. She is a survivor, a fighter, and a great kid. Despite all the difficulties with her behavior, I just can't imagine not having Emily around. Those who focus too much on how loud she is or difficult can be, are missing out on how funny she can be or all the smart things she says. They are missing the big picture by focusing too much on her imperfections. The best thing about Emily is, she likes me. My teenagers, Kris and Cassie, are off in their own little worlds and there isn't room for their embarrassing mom anymore. I seriously don't have to do anything to embarrass them. All I have to do to embarrass them is be seen in their presence amongst the teen set they hang around with. Cassie is currently sitting here yelling at ME because she didn't put her favorite DVD back in the cover and it is now missing.
Yesterday was appointment two at the U of C. It was an easy one. I drove there and it took 90 minutes. I went and got my blood tested, had my BP taken and my temp (BP was a little high but they said this med has a tendency to increase BP). 20 minutes later, I was in the car driving back home which took another 90 minutes. I spent the evening working to make up for the 4 hours I was gone and worked until 10:30. This morning, my back is tense from all the sitting.
Life in the fast lane!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Just another Manic Monday
Back at work.. YAWWWN.
As usual, I worked my hours at Big Box Mart and that pretty much killed my weekend. Suddenly, there's been a resurgence of people out buying crap but most has been necessity items and very little luxury items. On Saturday, I left the kids home and went to see "The Wrestler" with my brother and his friend. I would strongly recommend it. I'm not a big fan of Mickey Rourke as I find him a bit creepy BUT, I saw "9 1/2 weeks" back in the day and that movie just bothered me and I've avoided movies with him in it since. Emily has learned to write her name and she is very excited. She's so excited that her name has been written everywhere, on note cards, on my bills, in my checkbook, on walls, entertainment centers and little scraps of paper she finds lying around. Emily has always loved pens and she knows how to use them! Before she learned to write her name, she drew smiley faces. I have smiley faces drawn on my comforter in highlighter pen. And there is a stick man she drew in pen on the arm of my couch which I noticed before our NYE party. "Well, at least he's smiling" says Joe. I was not smiling. There's a smiley on the couch cushion and she drew a big smiley on Cassie's wall in green Sharpie. Though I tell my older kids to please not leave these writing implements lying around, it's beyond their scope to actually listen to a thing I say and then they whine when they open their notebooks and see that Emily has drawn a smiley there.
All the kids have been home since Thursday since the Chicago area has been hit with snow and cold. It was -15 on Thursday night without the windchill and it has snowed every day at some point. My driveway is getting narrower and narrower while places to put the new snow are getting harder and harder to find. One of my customer told me yesterday that we are only a few inches shy of meeting the record set in the famous triplicate blizzards of 1979. My dad took pictures of the three of us in front of the snow drifts which were at least 5 feet high. I've had my fill of bickering and fighting and can't wait until they go back to school tomorrow. We've entered into a heat wave now so they should be able to trek to the bus stop. It's a balmy 10 degrees. Whip out the shorts and tank tops!!
It's been 6 days since I started the Brivanib. About 20 minutes after I take it, it feels like a shot gunned a beer. My head feels a little light but that lasts maybe 20 minutes. 4 hours after I take the drug, I'm ready to lie down and take a nap and I'm also incredibly thirsty. On Friday, I had such a craving for a huge glass of ice water.... The fatigue lasts about an hour and then I feel fine the rest of the day. After a large glass of water, the thirst goes away and I spend the afternoon running in and out of the bathroom. The first three days, I felt a little nausea around the 4 hour mark but when I had a little food, I felt better. So, so far so good. I was worried after reading the trial overview about two things 1) That the side effects would be so bad, I'd have to leave the study and 2) the drug doesn't work. The first part is no longer a fear...The second...we shall see.
As usual, I worked my hours at Big Box Mart and that pretty much killed my weekend. Suddenly, there's been a resurgence of people out buying crap but most has been necessity items and very little luxury items. On Saturday, I left the kids home and went to see "The Wrestler" with my brother and his friend. I would strongly recommend it. I'm not a big fan of Mickey Rourke as I find him a bit creepy BUT, I saw "9 1/2 weeks" back in the day and that movie just bothered me and I've avoided movies with him in it since. Emily has learned to write her name and she is very excited. She's so excited that her name has been written everywhere, on note cards, on my bills, in my checkbook, on walls, entertainment centers and little scraps of paper she finds lying around. Emily has always loved pens and she knows how to use them! Before she learned to write her name, she drew smiley faces. I have smiley faces drawn on my comforter in highlighter pen. And there is a stick man she drew in pen on the arm of my couch which I noticed before our NYE party. "Well, at least he's smiling" says Joe. I was not smiling. There's a smiley on the couch cushion and she drew a big smiley on Cassie's wall in green Sharpie. Though I tell my older kids to please not leave these writing implements lying around, it's beyond their scope to actually listen to a thing I say and then they whine when they open their notebooks and see that Emily has drawn a smiley there.
All the kids have been home since Thursday since the Chicago area has been hit with snow and cold. It was -15 on Thursday night without the windchill and it has snowed every day at some point. My driveway is getting narrower and narrower while places to put the new snow are getting harder and harder to find. One of my customer told me yesterday that we are only a few inches shy of meeting the record set in the famous triplicate blizzards of 1979. My dad took pictures of the three of us in front of the snow drifts which were at least 5 feet high. I've had my fill of bickering and fighting and can't wait until they go back to school tomorrow. We've entered into a heat wave now so they should be able to trek to the bus stop. It's a balmy 10 degrees. Whip out the shorts and tank tops!!
It's been 6 days since I started the Brivanib. About 20 minutes after I take it, it feels like a shot gunned a beer. My head feels a little light but that lasts maybe 20 minutes. 4 hours after I take the drug, I'm ready to lie down and take a nap and I'm also incredibly thirsty. On Friday, I had such a craving for a huge glass of ice water.... The fatigue lasts about an hour and then I feel fine the rest of the day. After a large glass of water, the thirst goes away and I spend the afternoon running in and out of the bathroom. The first three days, I felt a little nausea around the 4 hour mark but when I had a little food, I felt better. So, so far so good. I was worried after reading the trial overview about two things 1) That the side effects would be so bad, I'd have to leave the study and 2) the drug doesn't work. The first part is no longer a fear...The second...we shall see.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Here....We...GO!
I sent my alarm clock for a nice and early 5:00am yesterday as I needed to be at the hospital by 7:45am. I made my breakfast, packed a lunch, my puzzles, some books and my thermos of coffee and set out on my adventure. Lo and Behold, the National Weather Service was WRONG again. White stuff was falling from the sky burying my car and they called for clear skies. Crap! Everyone who lives in a big city knows what any form of precipitation means. It means that it was going to be a VERY long trip to the U of C. The streets were essentially unplowed and I slipped and slid down the street, down Irving Park Rd until I merged onto the Expressway where I stopped slipping and sliding and sat and sat and sat. At 7:15, I had barely gone 10 miles and I had already been sitting in the car for an hour. I called the U of C and told them I was going to be late and inched along the highway, my speedometer barely leaving 0 most of the trip and got as high as 25 at one point. At 10:15, I finally arrived at the hospital my journey taking a little over 4 hours. I checked in and was sent to the Infusion Therapy Dept. Infusion Therapy is essentially "The Chemo Room." Those scheduled to receive their chemo via IV, are taken to a little private room with a chair that looks a lot like a dentist chair. There is a table and a TV and they receive their Chemo via a pre-installed "Mediport" that is usually installed in their chest. The room was packed and for the first time in a long time, I felt fortunate. I was taking an oral pill. I was able to walk into that room on my own volition and I don't look like someone has sucked every red blood cell out of my body. My time in the infusion room was short. After the phlebotomist set up the pic line in my hand and took 5 vials of blood, the clinical nurse delivered my two bottles of Brivanib which I was required to take in his presence. Then I was sent to my own devices with instructions to be back every two hours for a blood draw, the last draw at 5pm. First order of business, find a place to drink that thermos of coffee!! I found a comfy chair on the 4th floor and read and drank my coffee until my next blood draw and get over the little buzz the medicine gave me. After my noon blood draw, I wandered back down to the 4th floor atrium and found an area with a table and some couches. The area was sectioned off and three women were sitting at the table. I poked my head in and asked if I could sit on one of the chairs. On Wed, a cancer support group meets in that area. Because of the weather, no one had shown up and so I became the honorary member. Two of the three women left and the third woman, also named Cathy, asked if I wouldn't mind signing in just so she can take it back to the boss and show them that at least one person came for the meeting. I signed the paper and she and I started talking and we talked until my next blood draw. We talked about healing and what it is and how to really achieve it. I told her my story, not just with cancer but with the ED as well, the journey, the learning process, all of it.
I have spoken to other cancer patients either at the Relay for Life, online, at the hospital, and even while checking groceries at Wal-Mart. We all have different ideas about how to heal. Some patients will not look past the empirical. If it hasn't gone through a clinical trial, they won't look at it and bombast others for falling for a snake oil scheme. I came across an angry patient on a bulletin board who insisted that there is absolutely no proof that CAM therapies work and threatened to report anyone who talked about any CAM therapy. On the other hand, I also talk to people who refuse to look at Western medicine and adhere strictly to nutrition, yoga, meditation, and prayer. They find Western medicine abhorrent and I can't blame them. Many have turned to natural therapies after many rounds of chemo, they had many parts of themselves chopped off, and after Oncologists who refuse to listen to them or write them off for dead. I've seen miracles and inspiration on both sides of the aisle. Regardless of whether they opted for the traditional, the holistic or a little of both, they are thriving, they are fighting, they are surviving even against the odds. I theorize that there is no one way to healing from cancer and the road we take as patients is as individual as the genes that brought us to this point. There's a non-empirical, non-measurable part of every survivor, call it soul, or spirit or will, that keeps us going and drives us forward. But to ensure optimal outcome, we need to BELIEVE in the course we are taking. The state of the mind, drives the body and the mind is incredibly powerful. I told her that the number one thing that patients need to do is learn to handle the fear and I'll admit there are days when I am fearful. Who wouldn't be? Cathy said "Sometimes, when you're in the Labyrinth, it may seem as if you are closest to the exit and it is usually then that you are really the farthest away and vice versa." Even though it seems as if you haven't gained much ground, success may be closer than you think. She thanked me for the conversation, for sharing these bits of my own story. I like to think that there are no cooincidences. At the moment that I entered that atrium, I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. In some way, I may have helped Cathy be a better cancer group leader and from her I received some encouragement and support at the time I really needed encouragement and support. Sarcoma patients, tell your story and keep telling it. You don't know who may influence or what seeds you plant by telling it. Your struggles teach others how to fight and inspire others to keep going and remember, that in the labyrinth, even though you may feel as if you're the farthest away from the exit, you may be closer than you think.
I have spoken to other cancer patients either at the Relay for Life, online, at the hospital, and even while checking groceries at Wal-Mart. We all have different ideas about how to heal. Some patients will not look past the empirical. If it hasn't gone through a clinical trial, they won't look at it and bombast others for falling for a snake oil scheme. I came across an angry patient on a bulletin board who insisted that there is absolutely no proof that CAM therapies work and threatened to report anyone who talked about any CAM therapy. On the other hand, I also talk to people who refuse to look at Western medicine and adhere strictly to nutrition, yoga, meditation, and prayer. They find Western medicine abhorrent and I can't blame them. Many have turned to natural therapies after many rounds of chemo, they had many parts of themselves chopped off, and after Oncologists who refuse to listen to them or write them off for dead. I've seen miracles and inspiration on both sides of the aisle. Regardless of whether they opted for the traditional, the holistic or a little of both, they are thriving, they are fighting, they are surviving even against the odds. I theorize that there is no one way to healing from cancer and the road we take as patients is as individual as the genes that brought us to this point. There's a non-empirical, non-measurable part of every survivor, call it soul, or spirit or will, that keeps us going and drives us forward. But to ensure optimal outcome, we need to BELIEVE in the course we are taking. The state of the mind, drives the body and the mind is incredibly powerful. I told her that the number one thing that patients need to do is learn to handle the fear and I'll admit there are days when I am fearful. Who wouldn't be? Cathy said "Sometimes, when you're in the Labyrinth, it may seem as if you are closest to the exit and it is usually then that you are really the farthest away and vice versa." Even though it seems as if you haven't gained much ground, success may be closer than you think. She thanked me for the conversation, for sharing these bits of my own story. I like to think that there are no cooincidences. At the moment that I entered that atrium, I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. In some way, I may have helped Cathy be a better cancer group leader and from her I received some encouragement and support at the time I really needed encouragement and support. Sarcoma patients, tell your story and keep telling it. You don't know who may influence or what seeds you plant by telling it. Your struggles teach others how to fight and inspire others to keep going and remember, that in the labyrinth, even though you may feel as if you're the farthest away from the exit, you may be closer than you think.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
All day yesterday, the National Weather Service was warning of a huge blizzard, lots of wind, blowing snow, cars in the ditch.. My kids were salivating as they expected a snow day. Snow started falling around 5:30 but the roads were crowded with people way before that as people left the office to get home and batton down the hatches for the big storm. We got ....nothing! I woke up this morning to sun streaming through my window and nary a snowflake. Kris was devastated as he actually had to take the final he didn't study for. It did get gosh darn cold. The high tomorrow is expected to be 0 and it is my first day downtown for my first dose of Brivanib. I have no idea what I am going to do there all day but, I went to the store to get a lunch bag and thermos, some puzzles and some comfy clothes. I'll add a book or two along with my Cisco text book so I can start learning about switching. I'm not sure how I feel other than nervous. As any patient will tell you, the only thing worse than going through cancer the first time, is having to go through a recurrence. It's devastating, like the universe and your body has stabbed you in the back and betrayed you and even more so when your diagnosis is a rare disease like Sarcoma and the options are few and the options you have are painful and body altering.
Right now, I am completely lacking deep thoughts and so it is off to bed for me as I pray that my results in 12 weeks will be encouraging.
Good night and Good luck!
Right now, I am completely lacking deep thoughts and so it is off to bed for me as I pray that my results in 12 weeks will be encouraging.
Good night and Good luck!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
16 Random things...for Nonalee
Every now and then you get one of those getting to know you thingys in your email. I rarely fill them out because generally I'm running off somewhere or doing something else or getting distracted. But tonight, in a feat rarely performed in my email inbox or anywhere I occupy in Cyberspace, I will take part in one. This is for Nonalee who sent it..
"Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose at least 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you!!"
1) I am a politics junkie. I'm not Democrat. I'm not Republican. I am Libertarian. I did NOT vote for Obama. I live in Chicago and do not vote for politicians that come out of this city. They are all crooks. That said, I put faith in individuals not government. Thomas Jefferson said "A Government big enough to give you all you want, is powerful enough to take all you have."
2) M&M's, Almond Joys and Mounds bars are my FAVORITE candies, that is when I ate sugar. Now I vicariously enjoy them.
3) I won an essay contest when I was in the 8th grade entitled "What Freedom Means to Me." I won a $100 bond, a nice certificate, had my name in the paper and the Congressman who sponsored the Essay contest came to my school to give me the award personally. They pulled me out of gym when I was all sweaty and gross and captured that image for posterity in the Downers Grove Reporter.
4) I rarely watch TV. I either listen to the radio or surf the net instead. The only time I ever watch TV is when I'm ready to fall asleep at night or am sick in bed. When I do watch TV, I watch TNT.
5) I play the piano. I started when I was 9 and have taken lessons on and off since then. I currently am on a break from my lessons but will start again as soon as some things are out of the way. When I was in college, I played piano at two banquets. I have terrible performance anxiety and rarely play for anyone other than myself, the cats and the dust bunnies.
6) When I was in the 8th grade, I took roller skating lessons. After a few lessons, the instructor took me aside and told me I had natural skating talent and should take private lessons to develop my skills. My parents Kaboshed that idea and I never became the next Peggy Fleming.
7) I am a RECOVERED Anorexic/Bulimic and suffer from clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder which I have managed without medication for some years. It was my first victory in the many battles I've had to fight with myself. I still talk to some young women and sometimes men who suffer with Eating Disorders. I hope I showed them that they can recover and that there is a life beyond it.
8) I am allergic to most metals. I have pierced ears but around my 19th birthday, I couldn't wear earrings anymore as they would make my earlobe swell and itch. I found that the only jewelry I can wear is a necklace. Any metal on my skin too long causes a rash.
9) I collect Depression Glass (Glass manufactured during the Depression Era) and Elegant Glass which is a finer grade glassware made during the 20's - 70's. I have a huge cabinet full of it and I could probably furnish my house with what I paid for it but I love it! It's one of the things in my life I love doing most. YAY ANTIQUING! YAY DEBT!
10) I was part of a Ghost Hunting group for about a year. I have always been interested in the paranormal. Did I find a ghost? Oddly enough, not really on my ghost hunting expeditions but the townhome I was living in had some very odd goings on. The people I sold it to, moved out when they saw the figure of a little girl in the upstairs bathroom. I have a few stories about life there as well though I never saw anything.
11) I am afraid of heights and I get nervous on bridges over large waterways like the Mississippi river. I go to Iowa to visit friends and when crossing the I80 bridge over the Mississippi, I always drive on the inside lane with both hands on the steering wheel, holding on for dear life.
12) I eat everything and I mean absolutely everything including tacos and pizza with a knife and fork. Well, maybe not soup but, you know what I mean.
13) My favorite beverages are coffee and beer from Micro Breweries. I rarely drink anymore. When I drink, I want a GOOD beer. Amber Ales, Bock and Brown Ales are my favorites. YAY DRUNKENESS!
14) I have a smart ass 15 year old son who is standing over my shoulder saying smart ass things about what I am writing.
15) I used to be a blonde, a natural blonde. During my college, my hair turned brown and it is still brown with those annoying little gray strands which I pick out with tweezers when no one is looking.
16) I can't stand peanut butter and I never could stand peanut butter. I do like Thai Peanut sauce and peanut soup but peanut butter...BLECH!
There ya have it. Proof that I am 100% BORING! I never won a Pulizer. I am not a closet millionaire. I did not save millions of lives.
This concludes our broadcast day. Have a good night :)
"Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose at least 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you!!"
1) I am a politics junkie. I'm not Democrat. I'm not Republican. I am Libertarian. I did NOT vote for Obama. I live in Chicago and do not vote for politicians that come out of this city. They are all crooks. That said, I put faith in individuals not government. Thomas Jefferson said "A Government big enough to give you all you want, is powerful enough to take all you have."
2) M&M's, Almond Joys and Mounds bars are my FAVORITE candies, that is when I ate sugar. Now I vicariously enjoy them.
3) I won an essay contest when I was in the 8th grade entitled "What Freedom Means to Me." I won a $100 bond, a nice certificate, had my name in the paper and the Congressman who sponsored the Essay contest came to my school to give me the award personally. They pulled me out of gym when I was all sweaty and gross and captured that image for posterity in the Downers Grove Reporter.
4) I rarely watch TV. I either listen to the radio or surf the net instead. The only time I ever watch TV is when I'm ready to fall asleep at night or am sick in bed. When I do watch TV, I watch TNT.
5) I play the piano. I started when I was 9 and have taken lessons on and off since then. I currently am on a break from my lessons but will start again as soon as some things are out of the way. When I was in college, I played piano at two banquets. I have terrible performance anxiety and rarely play for anyone other than myself, the cats and the dust bunnies.
6) When I was in the 8th grade, I took roller skating lessons. After a few lessons, the instructor took me aside and told me I had natural skating talent and should take private lessons to develop my skills. My parents Kaboshed that idea and I never became the next Peggy Fleming.
7) I am a RECOVERED Anorexic/Bulimic and suffer from clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder which I have managed without medication for some years. It was my first victory in the many battles I've had to fight with myself. I still talk to some young women and sometimes men who suffer with Eating Disorders. I hope I showed them that they can recover and that there is a life beyond it.
8) I am allergic to most metals. I have pierced ears but around my 19th birthday, I couldn't wear earrings anymore as they would make my earlobe swell and itch. I found that the only jewelry I can wear is a necklace. Any metal on my skin too long causes a rash.
9) I collect Depression Glass (Glass manufactured during the Depression Era) and Elegant Glass which is a finer grade glassware made during the 20's - 70's. I have a huge cabinet full of it and I could probably furnish my house with what I paid for it but I love it! It's one of the things in my life I love doing most. YAY ANTIQUING! YAY DEBT!
10) I was part of a Ghost Hunting group for about a year. I have always been interested in the paranormal. Did I find a ghost? Oddly enough, not really on my ghost hunting expeditions but the townhome I was living in had some very odd goings on. The people I sold it to, moved out when they saw the figure of a little girl in the upstairs bathroom. I have a few stories about life there as well though I never saw anything.
11) I am afraid of heights and I get nervous on bridges over large waterways like the Mississippi river. I go to Iowa to visit friends and when crossing the I80 bridge over the Mississippi, I always drive on the inside lane with both hands on the steering wheel, holding on for dear life.
12) I eat everything and I mean absolutely everything including tacos and pizza with a knife and fork. Well, maybe not soup but, you know what I mean.
13) My favorite beverages are coffee and beer from Micro Breweries. I rarely drink anymore. When I drink, I want a GOOD beer. Amber Ales, Bock and Brown Ales are my favorites. YAY DRUNKENESS!
14) I have a smart ass 15 year old son who is standing over my shoulder saying smart ass things about what I am writing.
15) I used to be a blonde, a natural blonde. During my college, my hair turned brown and it is still brown with those annoying little gray strands which I pick out with tweezers when no one is looking.
16) I can't stand peanut butter and I never could stand peanut butter. I do like Thai Peanut sauce and peanut soup but peanut butter...BLECH!
There ya have it. Proof that I am 100% BORING! I never won a Pulizer. I am not a closet millionaire. I did not save millions of lives.
This concludes our broadcast day. Have a good night :)
Friday, January 09, 2009
I swear officer.......
I have now returned to life in the matrix for another week.
Tuesday night, while I was talking on the phone, the doorbell rang. Outside stood a police officer. Quite surprised, I asked if there was an issue. He said that someone from my number called 911. As I was on the phone for at least an hour at that point, no one could have called 911. I assured him everything was OK and that it must have been a mistake. He seemed satisfied with the answer and left. The next day, the police called asking if someone called 911. Again, we stated no one called the emergency number. Perplexed, I remembered an officer telling me that sometimes, when a cordless phone was not functioning correctly, it would dial 911. A bad phone didn't seem too outrageous. I have 3 kids and bought a nice new phone system with a base that was placed in the kitchen and two cordless phones that could be placed elsewhere. We put one phone downstairs and one in the Living room. Now, I have teenagers. The cordless phone has been lost in couch cushions, shoved in Emily's toybox, stuffed in drawers, cabinets, kicked under the bed, left in the bathroom, the shower, and left in the garage. One of my handsets stopped working when one of my rocket scientists left it in a laundry basket and washed it. So now, we are down to one, decrepit handset that I found behind my brothers desk this morning. The speaker phone no longer works and the ringer has long since died. It's a silent, decrepit phone. Yesterday, while I was at the bowling alley for my usual Thursday night excercise in futility, ie keeping that gosh darn ball on the alley and hit pins, Cassie called to tell me that once again, the police called inquiring about a 911 call. Darnit! says I. After Emily dumped water on my laptop, Christmas, and New Years, I just don't have the money to replace the broken down phone but if I have to, I have to. I thought nothing of the 911 incident anymore until my doorbell rang this morning and out there stood another officer of the law. Before she could even open her mouth, I said "I swear officer, I did NOT call 911." "Well someone did from this address" she said, obviously annoyed. I stated my dead, decrepit phone theory, but she said no. The 911 operator stated she heard a small child in the background.. AH HA!!!! EMILY!!! At this point my precocious child peeked around the corner, saw the officer standing there and ran. "EMMIE", I said, "Did you call 911?" Em peeked around the corner and didn't answer, then said "Am I going to go to jail?" The officer yelled at her and told her that calling 911 when you didn't need it, resulted in pulling her away from calls from people who actually needed help. Em ran away. The officer told me to talk to my child. I apologized profusely. I went and checked my cell phone and sure enough, there in my dialed calls was 911. As for why Emily called 911, my precious child, has a little crush on a little boy at daycare named Tommy. Tommy's dad is a police officer. She thought by calling 911, she could talk to Tommy. Kinda melts your heart.
Believe me, Em is doing very well on her Strattera but this was not the act of an ADHD child. This was just a precocious 4 year old who is too smart for her own good. I felt after that, it was time to take her to daycare. As I was dressing, I heard a pounding noise. "Em, what are you doing?" "Nothing" she said, "my hand is."
Out of the mouths of babes.
Tuesday night, while I was talking on the phone, the doorbell rang. Outside stood a police officer. Quite surprised, I asked if there was an issue. He said that someone from my number called 911. As I was on the phone for at least an hour at that point, no one could have called 911. I assured him everything was OK and that it must have been a mistake. He seemed satisfied with the answer and left. The next day, the police called asking if someone called 911. Again, we stated no one called the emergency number. Perplexed, I remembered an officer telling me that sometimes, when a cordless phone was not functioning correctly, it would dial 911. A bad phone didn't seem too outrageous. I have 3 kids and bought a nice new phone system with a base that was placed in the kitchen and two cordless phones that could be placed elsewhere. We put one phone downstairs and one in the Living room. Now, I have teenagers. The cordless phone has been lost in couch cushions, shoved in Emily's toybox, stuffed in drawers, cabinets, kicked under the bed, left in the bathroom, the shower, and left in the garage. One of my handsets stopped working when one of my rocket scientists left it in a laundry basket and washed it. So now, we are down to one, decrepit handset that I found behind my brothers desk this morning. The speaker phone no longer works and the ringer has long since died. It's a silent, decrepit phone. Yesterday, while I was at the bowling alley for my usual Thursday night excercise in futility, ie keeping that gosh darn ball on the alley and hit pins, Cassie called to tell me that once again, the police called inquiring about a 911 call. Darnit! says I. After Emily dumped water on my laptop, Christmas, and New Years, I just don't have the money to replace the broken down phone but if I have to, I have to. I thought nothing of the 911 incident anymore until my doorbell rang this morning and out there stood another officer of the law. Before she could even open her mouth, I said "I swear officer, I did NOT call 911." "Well someone did from this address" she said, obviously annoyed. I stated my dead, decrepit phone theory, but she said no. The 911 operator stated she heard a small child in the background.. AH HA!!!! EMILY!!! At this point my precocious child peeked around the corner, saw the officer standing there and ran. "EMMIE", I said, "Did you call 911?" Em peeked around the corner and didn't answer, then said "Am I going to go to jail?" The officer yelled at her and told her that calling 911 when you didn't need it, resulted in pulling her away from calls from people who actually needed help. Em ran away. The officer told me to talk to my child. I apologized profusely. I went and checked my cell phone and sure enough, there in my dialed calls was 911. As for why Emily called 911, my precious child, has a little crush on a little boy at daycare named Tommy. Tommy's dad is a police officer. She thought by calling 911, she could talk to Tommy. Kinda melts your heart.
Believe me, Em is doing very well on her Strattera but this was not the act of an ADHD child. This was just a precocious 4 year old who is too smart for her own good. I felt after that, it was time to take her to daycare. As I was dressing, I heard a pounding noise. "Em, what are you doing?" "Nothing" she said, "my hand is."
Out of the mouths of babes.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
It's been a long day.
My first trip to the U of C for my trial was tiring. It snowed today which means that a normal snapping turtle walking aimlessly along the Eisenhower Expressway could have passed me up. My appt was at noon. I checked in and was sent to the lab for a blood test. Veins had lost their tude today so the 5 vials of blood was a breeze! Then it was off to the Heart lab. I had an EKG and an echo cardio gram. My blood pressure was good 112/60 and the test required that I lie there and relax. Who can ask for more? I was actually amazed. I barely waited for any test. They took me immediately at the blood lab, immediately at the Heart lab and I didn't have to wait in line for 30 minutes waiting for the Valet to park my car. After my battery of tests, I went back to Oncology to see the nurse and Dr. in charge of the clinical trial. It's been almost 3 years since my diagnosis and the word "Oncology" is still as daunting as it was on Day 1. As I waited in line to check in, I still couldn't believe that I was standing anywhere with a sign that dared insinuate I have rouge cancer cells. The waiting room was completely full. One woman was knitting. Definitely a sign that my no wait day was about to end ....and it did. After 90 minutes, I tapped the desk and asked if they were absolutely sure they let the Dr. know I was here.
I always look around the waiting room at the people that are occupying space with me. Most are old. Some look sick. Some don't. I feel out of place. I'm young and sometimes I catch an older person staring at me too. Today the waiting room was packed and people spilled out into the hallway to sit on folding chairs. I wonder what their stories are. It's impossible to tell which are there with Sarcomas. One Sarcoma patient told me that what we with rare cancer feel is "Cancer Envy." It's when we with a rare disease with only limited therapies available to us, most experimental and a kind of cancer that has no awareness, very little research funding, walk into a waiting room full of women with breast cancer and are jealous that they have options and awareness and little pink ribbons, and every single grocery product in October has a pink label. They have the Susan G Komen foundation and the Y ME breast cancer run. We Sarcoma patients get blank stares and travel the US trying to find one knowledgeable Oncologist who cares and knows anything about Sarcomas. We fight for places in Clinical trials. We don't look forward to "remission." We look forward to "Stability." I noticed I suffered from cancer envy the first time I returned to my Thursday night bowling league and participated in "Bowl for the Cure." The USBC has a campaign to raise money for ...you guessed it "breast cancer." When I participated in Relay for Life, pink shirts lined the track. Besides me, I ran into ONE Sarcoma patient besides me and from what I have been told that was rare. NOt that breast cancer isn't a rotten to the core disease that needs to be anihilated. NOt that I haven't had a family member who died from Breast cancer. But, caught early breast cancer is curable. There are pages and pages and pages of therapies. There are scads and scads of Oncologists and in every cancer center, every Dr. knows about Breast cancer. Not so with Sarcoma. When my lung biopsy came back positive for sarcoma cells, my Oncologist had literally NO idea what to do with me. He had no idea which chemos worked. He had no experience with the disease. All he could do was ask around and ask other Oncologists if they had a name of anyone in the Chicago area who treated the disease. When you live in an urban area as I do, there may be one. If you live in the sticks, you travel for hours to find your specialist.
So here I am in a clinical trial for Brivanib. I refused the results of my scan two days ago and decided mentally, I'd be better off not knowing. But, I did consent to know the results of my blood tests. The Dr. said my blood is absolutely perfect and she said, I looked great. As expected, my Blood pressure and temperature rose the minute I walked in the door but my body does funny things when I am anxious.
Next week, I return for the drug. I check in at 7:45am next Wed and I am to be there alllllllllll day. I guess I need to pack a lunch. There is a cafeteria but after 10 days at the hospital over there, I know for a fact that the food is really really awful and the University of Chicago is not close to anything except really big houses.
So much for being kicked out of the study due to NED.
I always look around the waiting room at the people that are occupying space with me. Most are old. Some look sick. Some don't. I feel out of place. I'm young and sometimes I catch an older person staring at me too. Today the waiting room was packed and people spilled out into the hallway to sit on folding chairs. I wonder what their stories are. It's impossible to tell which are there with Sarcomas. One Sarcoma patient told me that what we with rare cancer feel is "Cancer Envy." It's when we with a rare disease with only limited therapies available to us, most experimental and a kind of cancer that has no awareness, very little research funding, walk into a waiting room full of women with breast cancer and are jealous that they have options and awareness and little pink ribbons, and every single grocery product in October has a pink label. They have the Susan G Komen foundation and the Y ME breast cancer run. We Sarcoma patients get blank stares and travel the US trying to find one knowledgeable Oncologist who cares and knows anything about Sarcomas. We fight for places in Clinical trials. We don't look forward to "remission." We look forward to "Stability." I noticed I suffered from cancer envy the first time I returned to my Thursday night bowling league and participated in "Bowl for the Cure." The USBC has a campaign to raise money for ...you guessed it "breast cancer." When I participated in Relay for Life, pink shirts lined the track. Besides me, I ran into ONE Sarcoma patient besides me and from what I have been told that was rare. NOt that breast cancer isn't a rotten to the core disease that needs to be anihilated. NOt that I haven't had a family member who died from Breast cancer. But, caught early breast cancer is curable. There are pages and pages and pages of therapies. There are scads and scads of Oncologists and in every cancer center, every Dr. knows about Breast cancer. Not so with Sarcoma. When my lung biopsy came back positive for sarcoma cells, my Oncologist had literally NO idea what to do with me. He had no idea which chemos worked. He had no experience with the disease. All he could do was ask around and ask other Oncologists if they had a name of anyone in the Chicago area who treated the disease. When you live in an urban area as I do, there may be one. If you live in the sticks, you travel for hours to find your specialist.
So here I am in a clinical trial for Brivanib. I refused the results of my scan two days ago and decided mentally, I'd be better off not knowing. But, I did consent to know the results of my blood tests. The Dr. said my blood is absolutely perfect and she said, I looked great. As expected, my Blood pressure and temperature rose the minute I walked in the door but my body does funny things when I am anxious.
Next week, I return for the drug. I check in at 7:45am next Wed and I am to be there alllllllllll day. I guess I need to pack a lunch. There is a cafeteria but after 10 days at the hospital over there, I know for a fact that the food is really really awful and the University of Chicago is not close to anything except really big houses.
So much for being kicked out of the study due to NED.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Re-emerging from the Matrix...
The holidays are over. The tree is down and back in its box and the last of Christmas was packed in boxes and put back under the stairs. New Years Day for me, is the last day of Christmas. As usual, we spent it on the couch watching movies, recovering from NYE which was very nice this year. I worked my normal shift at Big Box Mart this weekend and last night, I laid down to take a little nap and woke up at 7:30 this morning. All my co-workers were back from their holiday vacations, my inbox was full, and at 4pm today, started the first steps back into Cancer-land. I slugged down my two bottle fulls of Barium. UCK!! After a full day of fasting, you would think they would provide a better tasting radioactive compound that is at least thirst quenching. I couldn't even have any water. Then, went to the hospital for the trip down the rabbit hole to Cancer-land. Only instead of Hookah smoking characters and the mad hatter, we have mad Dr's, radioactive isotopes, needles, scanxiety, and sometimes and I mean sometimes, some really really good drugs. There was something sobering about handing the intake worker a script for the scan that said "DX-Metastatic Sarcoma" a nice and depressing reminder that the illusion of the matrix was gone and I was stuck looking straight at the energy sucking reality of this disease. So, after getting poked three times in the arm because of stubborn veins, through the medical rabbit hole I went. After the first batch of pics, the tech came out to inject the dye and asked if I already started the chemo. I said no. He said, so you've had no chemo or radiation at all? No, I said...just radiation to the tumor. As a cancer patient, I read too much into everything. I look for looks on the tech's faces. Do they look piteously as I leave the room? Do they smile? Then I overanalyze everything. Do things look normal? Is that why he asked if I started the chemo? My fingers are crossed that my nutritional protocol finally started kicking my rouge cells in line. But my kids don't listen to me immediately. Why should my rouge cells? I'll keep kicking those cells in line with broccoli and fish oil!! That will teach them! We got some extra pics of my liver. After seeing the alarm on my face, the tech said that one small pocket didn't take up the dye normally and it looked like I have a small cyst. Because of my history, he wanted to be sure. Great! Another thing to worry about. Double Broccoli!! Double Omega 3!! Double green juice!! Thus ends my entry into Cancer-Land. On Wednesday, I go to the U of C for an EKG and Blood work. Hopefully by then, my veins will have adjusted their attitude, the Dr. will not make me wait two hours and the tests will be a breeze. In my little matrix world, the nodules will have resolved themselves and I'll be kicked out of the study due to NED :) I can dream can't I?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Year 2009
I am not a fan of New Years Eve as a holiday but we do try and have a nice send off for the old year and a nice welcome for the new year. We have had large parties and small parties and today, just a nice dinner with a few close friends and family, then a small after dinner party for those that choose to come to the house. I generally don't make New Years resolutions but this year, I will make one.
I am going to work my hardest for remission but if stability is what I achieve, I'll take it.
Happy New Year 09 to all my friends and family!!!
Prayers for all the Sarcoma patients out there. I pray for you often, all the fighters I know and all the ones I don't. A cure is a tall order for 09 but a little bit at a time, we can get there.
I found this study and it has intrigued me:
Omega-3
Nutritionally, I use the Budwig Protocol. Dr. Budwig was chastised for her premise that Omega-3 fatty acids can reverse cancer. Here we have one study that supports her proposition, though anecdotal. Do not take a lot of Vitamin C or E or any antioxidant supplements with DHA or EPA. It is theorized that this intervention worked by opening the ERK pathway and the cancer cells were then pummeled with a free radical attack, inducing apoptosis. When cooking, do not use vegetable oils, soybean oils or any partially hydrogenated oils. Human tolerance to Omega 3 fatty acids is around 300mg per KG. I started taking about 100mg per KG. We'll see what happens.
I am going to work my hardest for remission but if stability is what I achieve, I'll take it.
Happy New Year 09 to all my friends and family!!!
Prayers for all the Sarcoma patients out there. I pray for you often, all the fighters I know and all the ones I don't. A cure is a tall order for 09 but a little bit at a time, we can get there.
I found this study and it has intrigued me:
Omega-3
Nutritionally, I use the Budwig Protocol. Dr. Budwig was chastised for her premise that Omega-3 fatty acids can reverse cancer. Here we have one study that supports her proposition, though anecdotal. Do not take a lot of Vitamin C or E or any antioxidant supplements with DHA or EPA. It is theorized that this intervention worked by opening the ERK pathway and the cancer cells were then pummeled with a free radical attack, inducing apoptosis. When cooking, do not use vegetable oils, soybean oils or any partially hydrogenated oils. Human tolerance to Omega 3 fatty acids is around 300mg per KG. I started taking about 100mg per KG. We'll see what happens.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Besides my full time job at Ma Bell, I work a part time job at a retailer, THE retailer, Wal-mart who I fondly call Big Box Mart . I don't do anything earth shaking. I check groceries but as most people that serve the public do, I have interesting stories about my dealings with our fellow man. We see it all in retail, the good, the bad, the ugly and the absolutely mind blowing. Those of us who are Christians, have just come off one of the most anticipated seasons of the year, Christmas. Our churches preach good will, fellowship, peace, harmony, love, family, and laughter. Some of our customers attended church and heard these lessons blasted from the pulpits. But I have found after this Christmas and last Christmas the lessons of the season are often forgotten in the presence of .....THE AFTER CHRISTMAS SALE!! Big Box store marked all Christmas items from air freshener to dog treats 50% off and hearded all these holidays items to the seasonal section of the store. People poured through the doors and either headed for the return line or to the seasonal section and peace on Earth, good will toward men fell by the wayside as they yelled at customer service agents for not taking back gifts that were not purchased at Wal-mart, gifts that were received LAST Christmas, placing returns on a card for in store credit as opposed to giving them cash and whatever the customers tried to pull as they pimped for every single darn penny. In my own line, I fought with customers who tried to convince me that every day items such as a surge protector and a DVD player with a Christmas promo on the box qualified for a 50% discount. All around me customers yelled and screamed at cashiers who would not fall for the age old tricks that our customers try to pull to get cheaper DVD's, food items and clothes by pulling off tags so we didn't know the price, stating that this or that item qualified for a mark down, pleaded ignorance that they did not know that coupon was for Target only. In the seasonal aisle, customers grabbed and pushed and hoarded and yelled at eachother. Mind you, not every customer was like this but how many of us forget our humanity in how we deal with matters dealing with money? Our store was filled with Scrooges who were so caught up in the consumerism that the idea behind gift giving was a lesson lost. The original gift of Christmas which was the Christ Child, was cheapened by people who decided that getting away with a few extra dollars was worth the feelings of their fellow man and over the Thanksgiving weekend, the life of an employee. Is it worth it? How shallow those lives must be. Provided we need a little money to get by and make sure our physical needs are met but at the end of our lives, how many cars we own, how big our house is, how many furs or knick nacks we have mean nothing. Don't get me wrong. There are good people that come to our store. I waited on many who spent 100's of dollars on clothing and gifts for the poor. I also waited on many who would sell their soul for a 5 dollar savings. I see lessons in the lives of people like Anna Nicole Smith. A court case that granted her 435 million dollars, was worthless. What she spent her life trying to achieve in the end yielded her what life eventually yields to us all. What good did allll that money do her? As groups strive to take the religious significance out of Christmas and turn it into a holiday about red nosed reindeer and snowmen and abject materialism, I wonder how we allowed political correctness to get us to this point.
Luke 2:7-20, “And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes, and laid Him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them. And they were sore afraid and the angel said unto them, fear not: for, behold I bring you Good tidings of great Joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a saviour which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly host praising God, and saying, glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace, and goodwill towards men. "
And that, Charlie Brown, is what Christmas is all about...
Luke 2:7-20, “And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes, and laid Him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them. And they were sore afraid and the angel said unto them, fear not: for, behold I bring you Good tidings of great Joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a saviour which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly host praising God, and saying, glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace, and goodwill towards men. "
And that, Charlie Brown, is what Christmas is all about...
Friday, December 26, 2008
The Day After
I am still living in the Matrix and refuse to venture out.
Our Christmas was subdued, quiet, elegant... The only noise was Emily, my 4 year old who was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Life with ADHD is well...interesting, frustrating, maddening and in some ways the biggest challenge of my existence that dwarfs even the current condition. Provided every child throws a tantrum and acts up in public at one point in their young lives. ADHD children know when parents are in a vulnerable position and can't do anything without the many judgmental eyes of other parents who don't have a clue what it is like to have to deal with a child who has absolutely zero impulse control and is absolutely unfazed by consequences. Then take that child and add CHRISTMAS!! CHRISTMAS! The grand daddy of all kid holidays which per Jean Shepard of a "A Christmas Story" fame, the whole kid year revolves. Emily has been unruly since Thanksgiving, since the Christmas tree came out of the box with all the ornaments. Our beautifully decorated tree has been violated countless times by one pain in the neck 8 month old kitten and one vivacious, overly excited 4 year old who has decided that all the ornaments are the same as little glass barbie dolls. The breakage this year has reached its highest level. Parents of non-ADHD children simply put the glass ornaments up high and ground their kids from ice cream. Parents with ADHD children need to make sure that there is nothing around that the child can climb on to reach the glass ornaments, put extra security at the bottom of the tree so that when the determined child falls into it reaching for the forbidden fruit, it doesn't fall over and uses only the B-list ornaments so that the A-list ornaments don't wind up in pieces on the floor, in the toybox, in the childs shoes, in the childs jacket pockets, in the childs purse, on the floor of the car, in the catbox in the fridge and all the other places Emily has hidden them. They say "STAY OUT OF THE TREE!" 100,000 times, ground their kids from ice cream, TV, dessert, slap them in time out, yell, scream, threaten, and 5 minutes after the punishment ends, find their little darling climbing on an end table trying to reach the glass snowman ornament which ultimately will meet its demise anyway. Right now, there are big gaping bald spots on the tree where ornaments have mysteriously disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle of Emily's little world. Fast forward to Dec 23. It snowed. It snowed A LOT. It snowed all morning, all afternoon and allll night. Being that I'm last minute charlie this year, I had countless errands to run the day before the Eve. For those that don't know, my family is of European descent and we do our celebrating on Christmas Eve. That is when we have the nice dinner and open presents. So my plan was to hit the health food store, Target and then get my groceries. By my calculations, on a non snowy day, these errands should have taken 4 hours. In reality, that day, they took 7 as I hauled groceries through slushy slippery parking lots, drove 15 miles an hour in between stores, skidded and slipped and true to form, forgot where I parked the car and wandered through the parking lots like an idiot. But we at least got that white Christmas we've all been dreaming of. I hauled three stores worth of things into the house, unpacked it all, fed the kids pizza, washed floors, and hoped and prayed that Em would go to sleep SOON so that I could wrap presents. This was the only day this year when I wished I wasn't a single parent. I hate wrapping!!! I just wanted to get it over with but no...not in ADHD world. The best laid plans fall by the wayside. The child would not go to sleep. She did jump on the bed, ask about when Santa was going to come 100 times, fought with Cassie, had a meltdown or two or three, kept checking underneath the tree, and finally at midnight, fell asleep. I wrapped until 3am and dragged my tired self to bed only be awoken at 7 am by a wound up child upset that Santa hadn't come yet. All day, she pushed me to hurry and pestered and whined and jumped and ran and screamed and melted down and fought with Kris and Cass who forget sometimes that Em is 4 and they are teenagers. I yelled at her several times for bumping into the table as I was trying to set it, at one point, pulling the table cloth and the dishes right off. When's Santa coming? Can we eat now? When's Santa coming? After one of her meltdowns, she fell asleep and I was able to get things done. Being that I am on my nutrional kick and Joe is on a vitamin K-less diet, I was very mindful of the ingredients I used for appetizers. I made a Vidalia onion dip without mayo, coconut shrimp which I baked instead of fried and used organic coconut, organic spelt flour and egg white. We had veggies and fruit. Crackers that were baked and made out of rice or wheat flour and cheese and various dips. Dinner was salad, asparagus, carrots, Balsamic Shrimp on a skewer over a bed of organic wild rice. Dessert was cookies that the kids made. We listened to Christmas music and when it was time to look for Santa, Emily was the first with her coat and shoes on and in the car. My sister and I stayed behind and put everything under the tree then left the house so it looked like we were not home when Santa came. Em was happy with EVERYTHING she got. The biggest mistake I made was buying her a little drum set that came with maracas and a tambourine. She has played with that toy the most. Now the challenge will be teaching her that playing the drum at 5am is not appropriate. So thus ends another Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, Em went to her dads. The rest of us went and saw a movie, then came home and watched "Dark Knight". Today, I am cleaning up the cat yak as all the ribbon they have ingested keeps coming back up, ground up cookie, smushed chocolate, spilled soda, spilled powdered sugar, boxes, tags, wrappings, stale beer, and melted puddles of snow. Can't wait to do it all again New Years Eve.
Our Christmas was subdued, quiet, elegant... The only noise was Emily, my 4 year old who was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Life with ADHD is well...interesting, frustrating, maddening and in some ways the biggest challenge of my existence that dwarfs even the current condition. Provided every child throws a tantrum and acts up in public at one point in their young lives. ADHD children know when parents are in a vulnerable position and can't do anything without the many judgmental eyes of other parents who don't have a clue what it is like to have to deal with a child who has absolutely zero impulse control and is absolutely unfazed by consequences. Then take that child and add CHRISTMAS!! CHRISTMAS! The grand daddy of all kid holidays which per Jean Shepard of a "A Christmas Story" fame, the whole kid year revolves. Emily has been unruly since Thanksgiving, since the Christmas tree came out of the box with all the ornaments. Our beautifully decorated tree has been violated countless times by one pain in the neck 8 month old kitten and one vivacious, overly excited 4 year old who has decided that all the ornaments are the same as little glass barbie dolls. The breakage this year has reached its highest level. Parents of non-ADHD children simply put the glass ornaments up high and ground their kids from ice cream. Parents with ADHD children need to make sure that there is nothing around that the child can climb on to reach the glass ornaments, put extra security at the bottom of the tree so that when the determined child falls into it reaching for the forbidden fruit, it doesn't fall over and uses only the B-list ornaments so that the A-list ornaments don't wind up in pieces on the floor, in the toybox, in the childs shoes, in the childs jacket pockets, in the childs purse, on the floor of the car, in the catbox in the fridge and all the other places Emily has hidden them. They say "STAY OUT OF THE TREE!" 100,000 times, ground their kids from ice cream, TV, dessert, slap them in time out, yell, scream, threaten, and 5 minutes after the punishment ends, find their little darling climbing on an end table trying to reach the glass snowman ornament which ultimately will meet its demise anyway. Right now, there are big gaping bald spots on the tree where ornaments have mysteriously disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle of Emily's little world. Fast forward to Dec 23. It snowed. It snowed A LOT. It snowed all morning, all afternoon and allll night. Being that I'm last minute charlie this year, I had countless errands to run the day before the Eve. For those that don't know, my family is of European descent and we do our celebrating on Christmas Eve. That is when we have the nice dinner and open presents. So my plan was to hit the health food store, Target and then get my groceries. By my calculations, on a non snowy day, these errands should have taken 4 hours. In reality, that day, they took 7 as I hauled groceries through slushy slippery parking lots, drove 15 miles an hour in between stores, skidded and slipped and true to form, forgot where I parked the car and wandered through the parking lots like an idiot. But we at least got that white Christmas we've all been dreaming of. I hauled three stores worth of things into the house, unpacked it all, fed the kids pizza, washed floors, and hoped and prayed that Em would go to sleep SOON so that I could wrap presents. This was the only day this year when I wished I wasn't a single parent. I hate wrapping!!! I just wanted to get it over with but no...not in ADHD world. The best laid plans fall by the wayside. The child would not go to sleep. She did jump on the bed, ask about when Santa was going to come 100 times, fought with Cassie, had a meltdown or two or three, kept checking underneath the tree, and finally at midnight, fell asleep. I wrapped until 3am and dragged my tired self to bed only be awoken at 7 am by a wound up child upset that Santa hadn't come yet. All day, she pushed me to hurry and pestered and whined and jumped and ran and screamed and melted down and fought with Kris and Cass who forget sometimes that Em is 4 and they are teenagers. I yelled at her several times for bumping into the table as I was trying to set it, at one point, pulling the table cloth and the dishes right off. When's Santa coming? Can we eat now? When's Santa coming? After one of her meltdowns, she fell asleep and I was able to get things done. Being that I am on my nutrional kick and Joe is on a vitamin K-less diet, I was very mindful of the ingredients I used for appetizers. I made a Vidalia onion dip without mayo, coconut shrimp which I baked instead of fried and used organic coconut, organic spelt flour and egg white. We had veggies and fruit. Crackers that were baked and made out of rice or wheat flour and cheese and various dips. Dinner was salad, asparagus, carrots, Balsamic Shrimp on a skewer over a bed of organic wild rice. Dessert was cookies that the kids made. We listened to Christmas music and when it was time to look for Santa, Emily was the first with her coat and shoes on and in the car. My sister and I stayed behind and put everything under the tree then left the house so it looked like we were not home when Santa came. Em was happy with EVERYTHING she got. The biggest mistake I made was buying her a little drum set that came with maracas and a tambourine. She has played with that toy the most. Now the challenge will be teaching her that playing the drum at 5am is not appropriate. So thus ends another Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, Em went to her dads. The rest of us went and saw a movie, then came home and watched "Dark Knight". Today, I am cleaning up the cat yak as all the ribbon they have ingested keeps coming back up, ground up cookie, smushed chocolate, spilled soda, spilled powdered sugar, boxes, tags, wrappings, stale beer, and melted puddles of snow. Can't wait to do it all again New Years Eve.
Monday, December 22, 2008
8 months later....
Once again, I forgot about my little corner of the cyberworld that my one reader reads. It would take too long to catch it up on all that transpired since the last post but I will say this, Kris and my duet was a hit! Kris did really well and no one could hear me anyway YAY! I have been given the new piece for IHSA and my piano teacher and I will work on it once the new year starts and I am back at lessons.
I've always purposefully kept the cancer part of my life out of my blog because I wanted my corner to be unfettered with the worries that come from being a cancer patient. Things were going well and I wanted one part of my life untouched by it but that is no longer possible. January 7 we will start the "battle of lung mets." In November, I opted for a lung biopsy because some nodules we were watching grew a little bit. One grew about 3mm, one grew 1mm and one is still stable. Unfortunately, the Radiologist noted that several barely detectable nodules are beginning to form. At this time, they aren't even 1mm. Worst fears confirmed, the sarcoma has been in my lung since shortly after surgery. Bummer! The good news is, it's a relatively slow growing sarcoma, a Malignant Peripheral Nerve Sheath tumor, stubborn, chemo insensitive, very rare. So, here is what is in my cancer kicking toolbox
1- Budwig nutritional protocol. I make sure my Omega 3 to Omega 6 ratio is what it is supposed to be.
I eat very very little meat. I'll admit there are days I would like nothing more than a HUGE cheeseburger!
I don't eat sugar (sucks royally! For some, a life without chocolate is not a life worth living. I have found a few substitutions but...it's just not the same.)
I don't eat refined sugar or flour.
I don't eat processed foods
1- daily dose of green juice that tastes absolutely terrible but I call it a cup of health and envision all the nutrients in that pressed, kale, turnip, collard and mustard greens, celery, cucumber and wheat grass powder, surrounding the cancer cells like the calvary and shooting it down.
1- really huge plate of raw salad, loaded with veggies, dressed with Braggs raw cider vinegar, sometimes topped with Nutritional yeast.
1- serving of fresh fruit. I'm starting to really appreciate grapes and mango. YUM.
1- healthy attitude. There's a part of me that is in denial but I call it a healthy denial. I don't stop my life, don't use my condition as an excuse to stop living and get away with locking myself in a room feeling sorry for myself. Understandably life is a terminal condition and eventually we will all leave this Earth but I'm denying that it is going to happen soon and on terms other than mine.
I REFUSE to give up my daily cup of coffee. I've been told tea is better for me. Maybe, maybe not. I never cared for tea. Drinking it causes me stress. Stress causes health issues. NO TEA FOR ME!
On Jan 7th, I opted to take part in a clinical trial for a new drug called Brivanib. I decided to live the holidays in my healthy denial and ease gently into reality with a nice drink of contrast dye and a pass through the medical donut hole into the medical netherworld that is far from the normal life that I had prior to diagnosis. I feel like Neo when he ventures out of the matrix. Cancer is my Morpheus. Denial can be so wonderful! In my denial world, Cancer can be washed away with a plate of veggies and a glass of kelly green juice that tastes like well...grass. Life goes on as before and I am immortal. My mind can make it go away simply by wishing it. The movie and book "The Secret" touch upon this concept, that I can put my order in to the universe that overdosing on nutrition can wash the cancer away and my healthy denial can become a healthy reality.
Never tell me the odds! a creedo stated by the wise and wonderful Han Solo :)
That's all for now. I'm going to ease silently back into the Matrix and enjoy my Christmas, the lights, the tree, the gifts, the food, the hangover...all of it. May your Christmas be fulfilling.
I've always purposefully kept the cancer part of my life out of my blog because I wanted my corner to be unfettered with the worries that come from being a cancer patient. Things were going well and I wanted one part of my life untouched by it but that is no longer possible. January 7 we will start the "battle of lung mets." In November, I opted for a lung biopsy because some nodules we were watching grew a little bit. One grew about 3mm, one grew 1mm and one is still stable. Unfortunately, the Radiologist noted that several barely detectable nodules are beginning to form. At this time, they aren't even 1mm. Worst fears confirmed, the sarcoma has been in my lung since shortly after surgery. Bummer! The good news is, it's a relatively slow growing sarcoma, a Malignant Peripheral Nerve Sheath tumor, stubborn, chemo insensitive, very rare. So, here is what is in my cancer kicking toolbox
1- Budwig nutritional protocol. I make sure my Omega 3 to Omega 6 ratio is what it is supposed to be.
I eat very very little meat. I'll admit there are days I would like nothing more than a HUGE cheeseburger!
I don't eat sugar (sucks royally! For some, a life without chocolate is not a life worth living. I have found a few substitutions but...it's just not the same.)
I don't eat refined sugar or flour.
I don't eat processed foods
1- daily dose of green juice that tastes absolutely terrible but I call it a cup of health and envision all the nutrients in that pressed, kale, turnip, collard and mustard greens, celery, cucumber and wheat grass powder, surrounding the cancer cells like the calvary and shooting it down.
1- really huge plate of raw salad, loaded with veggies, dressed with Braggs raw cider vinegar, sometimes topped with Nutritional yeast.
1- serving of fresh fruit. I'm starting to really appreciate grapes and mango. YUM.
1- healthy attitude. There's a part of me that is in denial but I call it a healthy denial. I don't stop my life, don't use my condition as an excuse to stop living and get away with locking myself in a room feeling sorry for myself. Understandably life is a terminal condition and eventually we will all leave this Earth but I'm denying that it is going to happen soon and on terms other than mine.
I REFUSE to give up my daily cup of coffee. I've been told tea is better for me. Maybe, maybe not. I never cared for tea. Drinking it causes me stress. Stress causes health issues. NO TEA FOR ME!
On Jan 7th, I opted to take part in a clinical trial for a new drug called Brivanib. I decided to live the holidays in my healthy denial and ease gently into reality with a nice drink of contrast dye and a pass through the medical donut hole into the medical netherworld that is far from the normal life that I had prior to diagnosis. I feel like Neo when he ventures out of the matrix. Cancer is my Morpheus. Denial can be so wonderful! In my denial world, Cancer can be washed away with a plate of veggies and a glass of kelly green juice that tastes like well...grass. Life goes on as before and I am immortal. My mind can make it go away simply by wishing it. The movie and book "The Secret" touch upon this concept, that I can put my order in to the universe that overdosing on nutrition can wash the cancer away and my healthy denial can become a healthy reality.
Never tell me the odds! a creedo stated by the wise and wonderful Han Solo :)
That's all for now. I'm going to ease silently back into the Matrix and enjoy my Christmas, the lights, the tree, the gifts, the food, the hangover...all of it. May your Christmas be fulfilling.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I'm tired! What a week and it's not close to over yet. Tuesday, I worked at the Mart and it was the most boring evening I had there. The only good thing about it was leaving right at closing time but I did have to stop at Wal-greens to get cold medicine for Em who had a temperature. I picked up some gummy princess vitamins for Em and some regular vitamins for the kids. Since Kris lives on a diet of cheeseburgers and pizza puffs, I've started Veggie Monday. On Monday night, I cook a vegetarian dish loaded with all sorts of fresh vegetables and beans or rice. You would think I was killing him. I WANT MEAT! THERE'S NO MEAT!! I told him that at least once a week, I want a guarantee of something healthy in his little body. He's been sick 4 or 5 times with stomach flu or a cold or something since October and now has transferred it to Em and Cass. At least one of the three has had something in the past few weeks. So far, I'm fine but then again, I eat my veggies. Tuesday night, Kris informed me we would be rehearsing in front of his band class and I needed to be at his high school at 11:10 so I could accompany him. Well CRAP! The very thought of playing in front of a bunch of 14 year olds, who are probably way better than me at this point, gave me jitters. Wednesday morning, as I'm freaking out about having to do that, I received an email from the other member of survivor committee, stating she's sick and can I do the survivor speech at kick off. EEEEEE! I don't talk in front of people. I even hate speaking up on a darn conference call! The last time I gave any sort of talk in front of people was 1985 in my Rhetoric class and I SUCKED! But, well what the heck. Wednesday was performance day apparently! I ran out the door, dropped Em at daycare, and met Kris in the band room. Snagged a practice room and started to warm up a little. Every time I heard someone outside, I'd screw up. Gave myself a talking to! As if the 14 year old gives a damn or is even listening. After awhile Kris joined me so we could run through it once together. Mr. Confident was shaking. He said it was from doing weights in gym class. YEAH RIGHT! But, we got through it and ironically enough, he who performs all the time, was trying to keep it together up there. I told him to just look at me and not his very bored looking class. We survived. We got applause. A couple of his bandmates gave me a high five and it wasn't too terrible. I ran to my piano lesson, ran home, threw together some outline for my speech, did absolutely nothing in regards to work for AT&T and then ran out the door to my meeting. Surprisingly, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be and I didn't even look at my outline. My main goal was not to sound like an idiot. I made a couple women cry. It's not quite what I intended but I guess I said something that resonated. Mission accomplished. My main goal is to teach, educate, instill awareness for Sarcomas. Before diagnosis, I had never heard of it. Perhaps if I had, I may have taken the small bump more seriously and would have saved having some serious egg on my face. But, none of the people in the room knew about Sarcomas either and one or two came up to me to say that they would probably have blown something like off too because they do not grow in a major organ. I'd like to think that somewhere down the line, what I said
will save a life.
will save a life.
Monday, February 25, 2008
It's official, Kris and I WILL be performing that piece. EEEK!!!! I have no idea what time. As it gets closer to the day, we will know.
There has been not a whole lot going on. I fixed my wireless router problem by spending a ton of money on new one and replaced my black toner. HP charges 70 dollars for a pack of cartridges. UGH!!! It's not the huge things that tap into the monthtly budget. It's these little things: a punctured tire, a computer problem, an oil change, replacing a pair of gym shoes because your kid stepped in a bottomless puddle, your kid losing a jacket, a fried ignitor on the furnace. Life just nickels and dimes you to death. So there I am at Wal-mart on weekends. This weekend was no less a circus. I worked 8 hours on the busiest register in the store and yesterday, I must have dealt with the stores crabbiest customers.
A man, woman and their son came through my line. The woman had all her groceries arranged on the belt in the order she wanted me to bag them. Now, I'll admit, I never went to bagging academy. I try to be conscious about what I put where but I frankly never really noticed what the baggers put where when I shop. This lady hovered over me like a helicopter. I put something in a bag, she took it out and put it in a different bag. She was so close to me as I bagged things, I could feel her breath on my face. Every now and then, she'd make a snide comment, you don't put soda pop with cans. You don't put chips with that. Never put anything in with eggs. They should be bagged on their own. (I put light stuff in with eggs, a bag of chips or a loaf of bread). After a minute or two, this womans husband says. "Dear" (dripping with sarcasm) "If you are such a bagging expert, why don't you get a job here and show everyone?" This woman stands up straight and in a raised voice says "Well YOU'RE not the one who puts the stuff away! You've been a F'n Asshole all day! You're an ASSHOLE!" The man said, "Yup, it's all my fault. I'm the asshole!" I did not look up. I just kept grabbing groceries, scan, beep, bag, scan, beep, bag.. Finally, they stopped quibbling, she hands me two sweaters and insists she doesn't want me to scan them in any way that would allow them to touch the "dirty scanner". I started to remove the hangars as is policy and she says snidely, can I have those PLEASE? Sure, says I. I started to remove them so I could fit them in on top of the folded clothing and she says, "JUST PUT THEM IN THE BAG!" The next customer shot me a look of pity. Frankly, nothing any of my customers has ever said to me, yelled at me or pissed about has ever bothered me an iota. After 10 years in Restaurant, I have a thick skin when it comes to that stuff. I simply take the opportunity to shut the Hell up and get them out as sson as humanly possible. These incidents do result in some interesting stories about people and how ridiculous they can be. God bless em! And God bless that guy. He married that woman! I only had to deal with her for 10minutes.
Scan results are in but they want me to make an appointment to get them! ARGH! I at first thought it proves they found something. But, other patients state that their 3 months checkup is always scheduled after a scan so the Dr. can present the results, take questions and see if we have any concerns. So, I will do that. They probably did flag the surgical area. They did with my MRI. I just don't like this. It prolongs my position as cancer patient when all I want to do is get back to normal life as soon as possible and forget about it until 4 months from now and the next scan.
There has been not a whole lot going on. I fixed my wireless router problem by spending a ton of money on new one and replaced my black toner. HP charges 70 dollars for a pack of cartridges. UGH!!! It's not the huge things that tap into the monthtly budget. It's these little things: a punctured tire, a computer problem, an oil change, replacing a pair of gym shoes because your kid stepped in a bottomless puddle, your kid losing a jacket, a fried ignitor on the furnace. Life just nickels and dimes you to death. So there I am at Wal-mart on weekends. This weekend was no less a circus. I worked 8 hours on the busiest register in the store and yesterday, I must have dealt with the stores crabbiest customers.
A man, woman and their son came through my line. The woman had all her groceries arranged on the belt in the order she wanted me to bag them. Now, I'll admit, I never went to bagging academy. I try to be conscious about what I put where but I frankly never really noticed what the baggers put where when I shop. This lady hovered over me like a helicopter. I put something in a bag, she took it out and put it in a different bag. She was so close to me as I bagged things, I could feel her breath on my face. Every now and then, she'd make a snide comment, you don't put soda pop with cans. You don't put chips with that. Never put anything in with eggs. They should be bagged on their own. (I put light stuff in with eggs, a bag of chips or a loaf of bread). After a minute or two, this womans husband says. "Dear" (dripping with sarcasm) "If you are such a bagging expert, why don't you get a job here and show everyone?" This woman stands up straight and in a raised voice says "Well YOU'RE not the one who puts the stuff away! You've been a F'n Asshole all day! You're an ASSHOLE!" The man said, "Yup, it's all my fault. I'm the asshole!" I did not look up. I just kept grabbing groceries, scan, beep, bag, scan, beep, bag.. Finally, they stopped quibbling, she hands me two sweaters and insists she doesn't want me to scan them in any way that would allow them to touch the "dirty scanner". I started to remove the hangars as is policy and she says snidely, can I have those PLEASE? Sure, says I. I started to remove them so I could fit them in on top of the folded clothing and she says, "JUST PUT THEM IN THE BAG!" The next customer shot me a look of pity. Frankly, nothing any of my customers has ever said to me, yelled at me or pissed about has ever bothered me an iota. After 10 years in Restaurant, I have a thick skin when it comes to that stuff. I simply take the opportunity to shut the Hell up and get them out as sson as humanly possible. These incidents do result in some interesting stories about people and how ridiculous they can be. God bless em! And God bless that guy. He married that woman! I only had to deal with her for 10minutes.
Scan results are in but they want me to make an appointment to get them! ARGH! I at first thought it proves they found something. But, other patients state that their 3 months checkup is always scheduled after a scan so the Dr. can present the results, take questions and see if we have any concerns. So, I will do that. They probably did flag the surgical area. They did with my MRI. I just don't like this. It prolongs my position as cancer patient when all I want to do is get back to normal life as soon as possible and forget about it until 4 months from now and the next scan.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
I had two 8 hour shifts at Big Box Store this weekend. Of course now, I'm 100% useless. Yesterday was crazy! They stuck me at the busiest register. I didn't look up from groceries all day. Person after person after person after person. One of my pet peeves has to be when an item someone wants to buy has not UPC code. I know how this happens. People load their carts with crap. When they get to the register, they change their minds about this thing or that thing and shove it anywhere. It's like a scavenger hunt after a busy day. We'll find a bra in the pepsi cooler. Kids clothing in with the batteries. frozen goods in with the gum. When we find it we put it in a shopping cart, sort it in the back and put it back on the shelves. Of course some have lost their tag in the process of being stuffed and shoved somewhere creative. Yesterday, one of the items I attempted to scan had a tag missing half it's numbers. Why? Because the small child in the shopping cart was chewing on it. Fortunately, the price was still intact. On a busy day, we are supposed to call the department and never get an answer because all the associates are busy shoving stuff back where it belongs. In the meantime, people get irritated, they start checking their watches, they start yelling at me and I just ask the customer, what do you think the price was? One buck? SOLD! Yes sir, I understand this shirt was on the $2.00 shelf. That's because someone decided they didn't want it and shoved on the $2.00 rack. I wonder sometimes if I'm working at an Indian market instead of a US Retail store. I've haggled prices with the best of them. And in the breakroom, we laugh at everyone and share war stories. I was lectured by some old lady yesterday because the price of Dixie cups went up 3 cents since the last time she bought Dixie cups. She could have bought the damn things last year for all I know. What can ya say? Gotta love people. Some transactions go smoothly. Sometimes, a customer will argue the price on everything. Oh no! that's 2.97 not 3 bux. Nope.. those batteries were in the dollar bin. Sorry, that's $5 not $9.95. As if they can seriously remember the price of every damn thing they put in there. So, it's over for another few days. Thank goodness!
All the kids have run through some sort of illness this week. Em woke up Monday night with Niagra Falls running out of her nose. Kris was up Wednesday night throwing up. Cass had a fever yesterday and this morning. I missed bowling to stay home with Kris and Em and decided to do my taxes. Had trouble with the tax software and was up until 1am and never did fix it. So, I was on the phone with support for 2 hours on Friday and finally my taxes are filed. Friday night, I downed two terrible tasting bottles of Barium Sulfate and had my CT scan done. Afterwards, I was a little depressed. I never have a good feeling after one of those things. The last 3 have not been the greatest and they always find something. I changed my entire diet. I've had one bite of chocolate since New Years. Otherwise, all I've been eating is fruits, veggies, rice and beans, getting 8 full hours of sleep, and drinking organic juice when I would like nothing more than a cheeseburger and a side of fries. I am hoping it was not all for naught. And of course, since the kids were sick, I'm sure my body is fighting off some virus and some lymph node is swollen so my Dr. can freak about that. That's about all. I haven't been in any sort of trouble for ages. I think that's a sign I'm not having any fun. I think it's time!
Getting an estimate on my flooring on Wednesday. That's something to look forward to.
All the kids have run through some sort of illness this week. Em woke up Monday night with Niagra Falls running out of her nose. Kris was up Wednesday night throwing up. Cass had a fever yesterday and this morning. I missed bowling to stay home with Kris and Em and decided to do my taxes. Had trouble with the tax software and was up until 1am and never did fix it. So, I was on the phone with support for 2 hours on Friday and finally my taxes are filed. Friday night, I downed two terrible tasting bottles of Barium Sulfate and had my CT scan done. Afterwards, I was a little depressed. I never have a good feeling after one of those things. The last 3 have not been the greatest and they always find something. I changed my entire diet. I've had one bite of chocolate since New Years. Otherwise, all I've been eating is fruits, veggies, rice and beans, getting 8 full hours of sleep, and drinking organic juice when I would like nothing more than a cheeseburger and a side of fries. I am hoping it was not all for naught. And of course, since the kids were sick, I'm sure my body is fighting off some virus and some lymph node is swollen so my Dr. can freak about that. That's about all. I haven't been in any sort of trouble for ages. I think that's a sign I'm not having any fun. I think it's time!
Getting an estimate on my flooring on Wednesday. That's something to look forward to.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
IT WAS SUNNY TODAY!! Cold as anything but nary a cloud in the sky. It's been weeks since we've had no sort of precipitation. Of course it's all Global Warmings fault. If it's cold, it's Global Warming. If it's hot, it's Global Warming. If it rains, snows, sleets and hails, it's Global Warming. If it doesn't snow enough, it's Global Warming! AHHHH!!! I hate to be a naysayer but I'm just getting a little sick of all these Global Warming shenanigans which will result in a lot of STOOOPID legislation because it's all the US's fault that the polar bears are drowning. I love how the rest of the world takes no ownership and they defer to us SUV driving, gas guzzling, wasteful spending, industry polluting, cretins here in the US to solve the issue. Thanks Al Gore!!
My second comment, Democrats, OBAMA??? COME ON!! I live in IL and I'm still hoping for all those changes that he's promising the Nation. But as Mr. Obama says, I HAVE HOPE THAT AMERICA WILL CHANGE SOMETHING THAT HASN'T BEEN CHANGED BEFORE! CHANGE, WE NEED CHANGE!! I can use a little change in my pockets. So I guess that counts. Perhaps when Mr. Obama changes his socks everyday, he tells the US that he has changed something, and is not a liar. I fail to be inspired.
Third comment, Hannah Montana. I don't get it.
Fourth comment, I need new wiper blades. I'm getting mighty sick of driving with one little hole of clear vision and the rest of the windshield covered in salt smears.
Fifth comment, I need new black toner for my printer.
Sixth comment, my router died and took my wireless internet with it. WAH!
Seventh comment, I need a shower.
Do you get the idea there just isn't a whole lot going on? Em has a cold. Cass needs colored pencils. Kris is writing poetry for school. The duet is coming along. I have learned the notes, now we are working on the music. That's about all.
My second comment, Democrats, OBAMA??? COME ON!! I live in IL and I'm still hoping for all those changes that he's promising the Nation. But as Mr. Obama says, I HAVE HOPE THAT AMERICA WILL CHANGE SOMETHING THAT HASN'T BEEN CHANGED BEFORE! CHANGE, WE NEED CHANGE!! I can use a little change in my pockets. So I guess that counts. Perhaps when Mr. Obama changes his socks everyday, he tells the US that he has changed something, and is not a liar. I fail to be inspired.
Third comment, Hannah Montana. I don't get it.
Fourth comment, I need new wiper blades. I'm getting mighty sick of driving with one little hole of clear vision and the rest of the windshield covered in salt smears.
Fifth comment, I need new black toner for my printer.
Sixth comment, my router died and took my wireless internet with it. WAH!
Seventh comment, I need a shower.
Do you get the idea there just isn't a whole lot going on? Em has a cold. Cass needs colored pencils. Kris is writing poetry for school. The duet is coming along. I have learned the notes, now we are working on the music. That's about all.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
OK. The snow thing is getting JUST A LITTLE OLD. Last weeks snow storm resulted in a nice thin sheet of ice covering everything since it was 50 degrees, rained, then dropped to 30 degrees, then went back up to 40 degrees and dropped to -10 overnight so all that rain froze into a 4 inch thick block of ice on my stoop instead of a 1 inch block. As a matter of fact, the mailman refused to deliver my mail for 2 days. It took Kris and I and a pitchfork to break all that ice up so that no one would kill themselves trying to get up my stairs.
My weekend was as usual, uneventful. I spent a few hours at big box store and basically cleaned and did the usual running around. Emily was with her idiot father and woke up with a nice cold on Monday that was worse today. I had a Relay for Life meeting tonight and of course, it snowed. After my 3:30 conference call, I left for Lisle. Traffic was cruising until I hit I355. Then I sat and sat and sat and sat...No worries, I said to myself, it's probably just back up to the tollbooth. Then I got to the tollbooth and traffic still didn't move. NO worries, I told myself, it's just a backup to the next exit. When traffic still hadn't started moving at the next exit, I figured it was a back up to China. Needless to say every car that entered I355 from any exit pissed me off as I silently screamed at them to GET OFF THE DAMN ROAD! Can't you see all these cars???? GO THE HELL AWAY!!! After 3 hours, I went 17 miles, the meeting was over half an hour ago, and I inched along to the next exit and turned around and went home. The home trip was much faster. So, I laughed at all the idiots on the other side where I was as I cruised past them at 30mph! SEE YA SUCKERS!!! HA HA HA! I'm on THIS side now! What did I accomplish in three hours in the car? Well, I heard all the primary results and listened to 10 news reports on how traffic sucks.
This time of year is so blah. Letsee, what do I have to look forward to? Nothing! In one month, I'm hoping all the contractors will have started the work I want done in the house and it will look better by April. I get to look forward to doing my taxes on Friday night and my favorite, I GET TO GO FOR MY CT SCAN ON FRIDAY!! While all those happy couples are out there dining, getting flowers and oversized chocolate hearts for Valentines Day, I get to drink two bottles of terrible tasting contrast dye, have a needle shoved in my arm and get tossed through an oversized donut hole! Oh YAY! I can hardly stand the excitement. I especially can't wait for the results. The Radiologist ALWAYS finds something to watch, resulting in me panicking and a lousy, anxiety filled month afterward, until the next damn scan when I get to do it all over again. This time they want a picture of my abdomen. The Dr. says, oh, don't worry. I just want a baseline. Well Baseline my a$$!! It's a hunting expedition in which the Radiologist picks out every dust speck on the film and calls it a tumor. I hate it! Dollars to donuts they'll look at the surgical area and tell me there is evidence of recurrence. My advice to you all, do NOT ever have a cancerous tumor anywhere. The surgery is a cake walk compared to the aftercare. The only thing worse than going through cancer the first time, is going through it a second.
Pray to God for me that this time, the Radiologist report indicates nothing new, nothing changed and calls a dust speck a dust speck.
Cancer sucks!
My weekend was as usual, uneventful. I spent a few hours at big box store and basically cleaned and did the usual running around. Emily was with her idiot father and woke up with a nice cold on Monday that was worse today. I had a Relay for Life meeting tonight and of course, it snowed. After my 3:30 conference call, I left for Lisle. Traffic was cruising until I hit I355. Then I sat and sat and sat and sat...No worries, I said to myself, it's probably just back up to the tollbooth. Then I got to the tollbooth and traffic still didn't move. NO worries, I told myself, it's just a backup to the next exit. When traffic still hadn't started moving at the next exit, I figured it was a back up to China. Needless to say every car that entered I355 from any exit pissed me off as I silently screamed at them to GET OFF THE DAMN ROAD! Can't you see all these cars???? GO THE HELL AWAY!!! After 3 hours, I went 17 miles, the meeting was over half an hour ago, and I inched along to the next exit and turned around and went home. The home trip was much faster. So, I laughed at all the idiots on the other side where I was as I cruised past them at 30mph! SEE YA SUCKERS!!! HA HA HA! I'm on THIS side now! What did I accomplish in three hours in the car? Well, I heard all the primary results and listened to 10 news reports on how traffic sucks.
This time of year is so blah. Letsee, what do I have to look forward to? Nothing! In one month, I'm hoping all the contractors will have started the work I want done in the house and it will look better by April. I get to look forward to doing my taxes on Friday night and my favorite, I GET TO GO FOR MY CT SCAN ON FRIDAY!! While all those happy couples are out there dining, getting flowers and oversized chocolate hearts for Valentines Day, I get to drink two bottles of terrible tasting contrast dye, have a needle shoved in my arm and get tossed through an oversized donut hole! Oh YAY! I can hardly stand the excitement. I especially can't wait for the results. The Radiologist ALWAYS finds something to watch, resulting in me panicking and a lousy, anxiety filled month afterward, until the next damn scan when I get to do it all over again. This time they want a picture of my abdomen. The Dr. says, oh, don't worry. I just want a baseline. Well Baseline my a$$!! It's a hunting expedition in which the Radiologist picks out every dust speck on the film and calls it a tumor. I hate it! Dollars to donuts they'll look at the surgical area and tell me there is evidence of recurrence. My advice to you all, do NOT ever have a cancerous tumor anywhere. The surgery is a cake walk compared to the aftercare. The only thing worse than going through cancer the first time, is going through it a second.
Pray to God for me that this time, the Radiologist report indicates nothing new, nothing changed and calls a dust speck a dust speck.
Cancer sucks!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Another Snow Day for the kiddies. Another headache for me.
So far, our big head weatherman haven't been wrong about a single snowstorm. That depresses me. Two years ago, they were wrong about every one. This year, every damn time they said we were going to have a whopper snow storm, we had a whopper snow storm. Last night, the storm started out with a lot of rain. Overnight, it turned to sleet. Then around noon, it was full fledged blowing snow. Being that it is Ash Wednesday, I found a recipe for Veggie Fajitas that I decided to make but of course I was missing the tortillas. So, at 5:30 pm, I ventured out into my driveway to drive to the store and go get some. 1 hour later, I finally managed to extricate my car. The lovely sleet that fell caused a nice thin sheet of ice underneath the snow which caused my tires to spin. Of course number one son was not at home so I went out there chipping and shoveling away and looked quite frosty by the time I got my car into the street. It was irritating. It's time to think about buying a snow blower.
Having the kids home on my work day is always a challenge. They are either fighting or begging me to let them have friends over or begging to go to a friends. Every time I looked at Kris and Em they were eating something. I had to kick them out of the kitchen numerous times. When Kris finally did get his lazy butt off the couch and went out, he fell into a puddle, got really really wet, and sloshed home. Instead of throwing his wet clothes on the line I have in the utility room, he threw them on the floor of my room so my carpet is nice and wet. DUHHHHH! Cass and her pal Caitlyn decided to make a snowman which Kris kicked over and caused me drama. Em wanted to go outside and join them so she kept walking out of the house without a coat and socks or holding the door open so I could heat the outside. She spent the afternoon crying about this thing or that thing and I gave up trying to work, left early and just decided to be irritated by the ice on my driveway instead. Happy day!
Tomorrow, I have parent teacher conferences at Cass's school. Kris has a trumpet lesson and I have tons of conference calls. Em is definitely going to daycare tomorrow.
So far, our big head weatherman haven't been wrong about a single snowstorm. That depresses me. Two years ago, they were wrong about every one. This year, every damn time they said we were going to have a whopper snow storm, we had a whopper snow storm. Last night, the storm started out with a lot of rain. Overnight, it turned to sleet. Then around noon, it was full fledged blowing snow. Being that it is Ash Wednesday, I found a recipe for Veggie Fajitas that I decided to make but of course I was missing the tortillas. So, at 5:30 pm, I ventured out into my driveway to drive to the store and go get some. 1 hour later, I finally managed to extricate my car. The lovely sleet that fell caused a nice thin sheet of ice underneath the snow which caused my tires to spin. Of course number one son was not at home so I went out there chipping and shoveling away and looked quite frosty by the time I got my car into the street. It was irritating. It's time to think about buying a snow blower.
Having the kids home on my work day is always a challenge. They are either fighting or begging me to let them have friends over or begging to go to a friends. Every time I looked at Kris and Em they were eating something. I had to kick them out of the kitchen numerous times. When Kris finally did get his lazy butt off the couch and went out, he fell into a puddle, got really really wet, and sloshed home. Instead of throwing his wet clothes on the line I have in the utility room, he threw them on the floor of my room so my carpet is nice and wet. DUHHHHH! Cass and her pal Caitlyn decided to make a snowman which Kris kicked over and caused me drama. Em wanted to go outside and join them so she kept walking out of the house without a coat and socks or holding the door open so I could heat the outside. She spent the afternoon crying about this thing or that thing and I gave up trying to work, left early and just decided to be irritated by the ice on my driveway instead. Happy day!
Tomorrow, I have parent teacher conferences at Cass's school. Kris has a trumpet lesson and I have tons of conference calls. Em is definitely going to daycare tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
It's Super Deee Duper Tuesday here in the great state of IL. I actually went to the Community Center and voted. No one was there other than the very bored looking election judges. I'll give anyone a hint. There was no freaking way I'd ever vote for Hillary, not even if someone put a gun to my head. No apologist for her rapist husband deserves to speak for women or anyone for that matter. She's as corrupt as they come. As for Obama, nope..not him either and yes, it's all about color. Green is not a color I usually vote for. Maybe if he actually came up with a policy and oh, I don't know, DID something instead of spew pretty words that are supposed to fool us into thinking they are "ideas", I may look at Obama in the future. For now, no way, no how. I voted for some women judges. Had no idea who they were but the screen wouldn't advance until I chose someone and who really gives a crap which delegate goes to represent the candidate I chose? I could choose two candidate delegates and whatever, I checked the top two and hope they enjoy the trip.
Moving on... I finally got my basement painted and I like the color I chose, Taupe. If Obama were more Taupe than Green... I still probably wouldn't vote for him. Once the flooring is in and the old furniture hits the curb, it should be a fine Family room. The Duet Kris and I are working on is coming along. Of course, now Kris is telling me he isn't "officially" signed up and there are only limited spots. GAH! Oh well, it got me playing again and I guess that's important. I've decided to keep my piano lessons after March 1 as I knew I would. Big Box store is still a freaking circus. Now that people have one payment towards the Christmas bills, there is new room on the ol credit card for stuff. I checked out a lot of stuff. The top selling items:
1) Slimfast
2) Bottled Water
2) Pregnancy tests...a LOT of women had a REALLY happy New Year and will have a not so happy 18 years after.
On the Friday nights I worked, men came in for condoms and tried to hide them under a pile of Chips and socks. That always amuses me :)
Emily had issues this morning. For the most part, she's been a very good girl other than a few spots here and there of minor melt downs. This morning, I wanted to get her out so I could stop at the Grocery store and go vote. Told her 100 times to get her shoes and socks on. Finally, after 15 minutes of her dinking around, I got my coat on and waited in the car. Em was screaming inside the house for me not to leave. I kept yelling, well get your coat on and your backpack and get out here. Finally, I picked her up, tossed her in the car without her coat or her backpack that I told her to get packed with her blanket and Little Mermaid notebook. She was screaming in the backseat the whole way to Grace's. She took both shoes off and threw them and when we got to Grace's, I made her walk to the front door barefoot. She was yelling at me that she was going to get frostbite. I told her to move faster then. Since she didn't like the feel of wet pavement on her feet, she decided to crawl. Great Idea! Now her hands and her jeans were wet and dirty. I cleaned her up and she finally calmed down enough to tell me she was going to be a good girl now. Grace put her in time out. We'll see how she behaves later.
(DISCLAIMER: It was not cold enough for Em to get frostbite. It was cold enough to get my point across. If it was below 0, I wouldn't have done this)
I laugh at each woman that buys a pregnancy test silently.
Kris fulfilled his contract. He brought his dismal grades up and received 5B's and an A. That is enough to keep him off grounding but not enough to be allowed to do a lot of screwing around for awhile. And of course, number one son managed to get himself kicked out of pep band on Friday night. Of course I got his version which is always, his teacher hates him and it's not his fault. I know better. I wrote his teacher and got an answer as to why my son was kicked out of Pep band, that being, not organized ie, didn't show up with his music and screwing around. Kris did manage to get a second chance from his teacher and a good talking to from me. I know exactly how organized my son is and his teacher was glad that I wrote to him about this. Kris's teachers email me. Kris knows he isn't going to get away with much.
Again, Cassie for all her little girl issues, has been easier to deal with, except for her absolute pit of a room. Since tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, she is giving up "a messy room". Right now, her new room is on hold. Over Christmas, I went into her room and was absolutely FLOORED at what I found. Each drawer was full of trash. Under her bed were dishes with old food still in them and a full glass of apple juice. I found dishes that had been missing for months, candy wrappers, used kleenex, pieces of paper, one of my credit cards, two empty containers of frosting, cheetos, M&M's, and Jimmy Hoffa. I dumped every drawer in the middle of her floor, handed her trash bags, and told her to go to it. No less than 4 trash bags full of garbage came out of her room. We'll see how she does on the Lenten promise.
Moving on... I finally got my basement painted and I like the color I chose, Taupe. If Obama were more Taupe than Green... I still probably wouldn't vote for him. Once the flooring is in and the old furniture hits the curb, it should be a fine Family room. The Duet Kris and I are working on is coming along. Of course, now Kris is telling me he isn't "officially" signed up and there are only limited spots. GAH! Oh well, it got me playing again and I guess that's important. I've decided to keep my piano lessons after March 1 as I knew I would. Big Box store is still a freaking circus. Now that people have one payment towards the Christmas bills, there is new room on the ol credit card for stuff. I checked out a lot of stuff. The top selling items:
1) Slimfast
2) Bottled Water
2) Pregnancy tests...a LOT of women had a REALLY happy New Year and will have a not so happy 18 years after.
On the Friday nights I worked, men came in for condoms and tried to hide them under a pile of Chips and socks. That always amuses me :)
Emily had issues this morning. For the most part, she's been a very good girl other than a few spots here and there of minor melt downs. This morning, I wanted to get her out so I could stop at the Grocery store and go vote. Told her 100 times to get her shoes and socks on. Finally, after 15 minutes of her dinking around, I got my coat on and waited in the car. Em was screaming inside the house for me not to leave. I kept yelling, well get your coat on and your backpack and get out here. Finally, I picked her up, tossed her in the car without her coat or her backpack that I told her to get packed with her blanket and Little Mermaid notebook. She was screaming in the backseat the whole way to Grace's. She took both shoes off and threw them and when we got to Grace's, I made her walk to the front door barefoot. She was yelling at me that she was going to get frostbite. I told her to move faster then. Since she didn't like the feel of wet pavement on her feet, she decided to crawl. Great Idea! Now her hands and her jeans were wet and dirty. I cleaned her up and she finally calmed down enough to tell me she was going to be a good girl now. Grace put her in time out. We'll see how she behaves later.
(DISCLAIMER: It was not cold enough for Em to get frostbite. It was cold enough to get my point across. If it was below 0, I wouldn't have done this)
I laugh at each woman that buys a pregnancy test silently.
Kris fulfilled his contract. He brought his dismal grades up and received 5B's and an A. That is enough to keep him off grounding but not enough to be allowed to do a lot of screwing around for awhile. And of course, number one son managed to get himself kicked out of pep band on Friday night. Of course I got his version which is always, his teacher hates him and it's not his fault. I know better. I wrote his teacher and got an answer as to why my son was kicked out of Pep band, that being, not organized ie, didn't show up with his music and screwing around. Kris did manage to get a second chance from his teacher and a good talking to from me. I know exactly how organized my son is and his teacher was glad that I wrote to him about this. Kris's teachers email me. Kris knows he isn't going to get away with much.
Again, Cassie for all her little girl issues, has been easier to deal with, except for her absolute pit of a room. Since tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, she is giving up "a messy room". Right now, her new room is on hold. Over Christmas, I went into her room and was absolutely FLOORED at what I found. Each drawer was full of trash. Under her bed were dishes with old food still in them and a full glass of apple juice. I found dishes that had been missing for months, candy wrappers, used kleenex, pieces of paper, one of my credit cards, two empty containers of frosting, cheetos, M&M's, and Jimmy Hoffa. I dumped every drawer in the middle of her floor, handed her trash bags, and told her to go to it. No less than 4 trash bags full of garbage came out of her room. We'll see how she does on the Lenten promise.
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