I'm feeling much better today. My stomach was still a little sensitive over the weekend and I was a little more tired than usual but this morning I woke up feeling good. The kids and I trekked to Iowa City this morning to visit Lynne and Nonalee and the kids. Emily had been pestering me for 2 weeks about the trip and every other word out of her mouth was "Iowa" and "We're going tomorrow right?" Mind you, she started this two weeks ago. Fortunately for her, the answer was eventually "Yes, we're leaving tomorrow." On the day of the trip, after running my errands, packing the car and getting the kids into the car, Emily started crying that she wanted to stay home because she was going to miss Cami, one of our cats. Go Figure! Em never could make up her mind. But she was a good girl with a few little minor meltdowns all weekend and SHE PASSED THE MOVIE TEST!! She actually sat through a movie in a movie theater. I'm proud of her! That is not something she could have done 3 months ago. The kids and I traditionally spend Super Bowl weekend doing our "Christmas". Travel is easy because no one is on the road, neither Lynne, Nonalee or I particularly care about the Super Bowl and have to ask eachother every year if we bothered to notice who was playing, businesses are empty and apparently, no one goes out to eat the day before Super Bowl either. We all went to the Ronneberg Restaurant in Amana, a restaurant that traditionally has lines and a completely full parking lot, and all 9 of us were seated immediately in our own private dining area BY THE BAR!! Anyone traveling to Iowa needs to go to Amana to eat. There is nothing like fresh German food served family style! Sauerkraut, German Potatoes, fresh Rye bread..mmmmmm Provided I eat mainly Vegetarian, I still consider myself a carnivore. I have no moral problem with meat. I am veggie for my health. I did have a few pieces of Schnitzel for old times sake and it did taste good! I'm half Czech and half Polish and have not met one single Vegetarian Polish/Czech person. Schnitzel is just in the blood and my grandmother makes the absolute best roast duck I have ever tasted. I have tried roast duck elsewhere but have not found anything close though Chef Paul's Bavarian House does a pretty good job. I digress. I hear the Steeler's won and the commercials were lame. Don't think I missed out on anything. Sorry to anyone in AZ who cared! The Cardinals are an IL transplant anyhow. Further proof that whatever ends up down there, came from up here first.

Alas! All good things come to an end and this morning it was back to work. My boss was irritated with me about something as usual and all is the way it was before. I had a nice long conversation this afternoon with another very frustrated Ma Bell employee who is a technical person like I am stuck in an admin job we don't particularly get excited about. He's another Libertarian! And I thought I was all alone out there...

Last night, I received my 6th invite to Facebook. Figuring it was a sign, I caved and registered but warned that the page would be lame until I have a new computer and some time to work on it.

Took my brivanib today and didn't experience the usual round of side effects. I didn't have my face down in my laptop around 2 ready to take a nap and no lightheadedness. I don't know if that is a good sign or just is. But, I'm not going to complain. My checkup scan is coming up in a couple weeks. After over 2 years of nothing but bad news with these scans, I am not looking forward to this one. I received bad news at my first post surgical scan, the scan at the one year anniversary of the surgery, the two year scan and the lung biopsy. I had one scan that showed stability and that was the only dot of good news I have gotten since May 5, 2006, the date of diagnosis. I'm not sure if I should convince myself to think positive or not get my hopes up and expect more bad news. My Oncologist was very positive about this drug. From what I'm reading on other blogs, they are reporting stability and partial responses. But there was one naysayer who had to mention that eventually these drugs stop working because she's seen it before and I should get my butt to a surgeon. Thanks a lot! I will settle for stability but am hoping and praying for Shrinkage. Shrinkage is a good thing for a cancer patient. :)

I feel yucky!
Yesterday, I woke up at about 5am with a little rumbly in the tumbly and suppressed the urge to throw up by lying down for a bit before I got up and did some work before heading off to the U of C for my weekly check in. I made it to the hospital, had my blood tested and reported my fluish symptoms to the clinical trial nurse. Before reviewing side effects any further, he stated he wanted my vitals taken. My BP was good and I had no temperature. I told him that I didn't think I felt like poo because of the drug. I headed out suppressing that urge to throw up but pulled my little car garbage can to the front seat just in case. Then I got stuck in traffic and sat and sat and sat. Told God that I didn't think this little cosmic joke was the least bit funny and could HE please part the red traffic sea and let me pass so I could get to the store and to home as soon as possible before I made a mess in my car. Cassie had called to let me know that I needed to pick her up some colored pencils for her Social Studies project and we needed more milk and spring water for my little spastic Beta fish's bowl. I hurried through Walmart, got Emily from daycare and drove home. I just barely made it to the bathroom in time. Then I spent the evening in bed watching Law and Order re-runs and a few old episodes of Cold Case. Emily was so cute and got my little bed tray and a glass of water for me and was very insistent that I drink some. She kept checking on me to make sure I was drinking the water she brought for me. I woke up once more at 1am, threw up some more and went back to bed. A couple days ago, I made myself a cream sauce for my rice and I used expired cream. I'm 99% sure that was what the problem was. I've had a slight temp that has been going down little by little throughout the day and is almost normal right now. But, I'm still feeling a little run down. I am 99% certain I'll feel better tomorrow.

I'm noticing that the side effects have been decreasing in intensity as I go along. I still feel the usual few hours of fatigue but I'm not so light headed and I sometimes am incredibly thirsty. Apparently, I am the first person to report thirst as a side effect in the U of C trial. I'll be scanned in a couple weeks to determine if this thing is actually working. I'm very nervous but don't feel any aches, pains, shortness of breath, or anything else. I am very sensitive to aches and pains. If I feel even the smallest twinge, I'm worrying. I know it's paranoid to worry about every little thing as being cancer related. After all, I'm over 40. Some of these things are just side effects of being middle aged and have nothing to do with anything but that.

Things that piss me off

1) Laundry. It's never ending. Over the weekend, I put at least 5 loads of laundry away. Today, it's bbbaaaack!

2) Why do my children insist on putting empty boxes back into the pantry. They take the last of something and instead of throwing the darn box away, they shove it back into the pantry. I know why they do this. They think that if I see the box there, I won't know that it all got eaten. Eventually, I figure it out. The wrath may be delayed but they get it and an extra yelling at for not throwing away the empty.

3) Why can't my children put the DVD's back into the covers?

4) Why can't my children change the toilet paper roll? On the same note, the bath was without toilet paper for a week because neither of them could go get another roll. They used the Kleenex until I got sick of waiting for them to take some initiative and I went and got some more myself.

5) "For English, press 1" "For Spanish, press 2" "For Polish press 3"......

6) Wet pavement that sprays my windshield with dirty, road salt and I use a full container of window cleaner on one trip to the store.

7) My Alarm Clock

8) Stepping in wet cat yak on my way to the bathroom or waking up to the sound the cat yakking on my bed.

9) The 850 Billion Porkulus bill disguised as an "economic stimulus package."

10) Road Construction and potholes and traffic, Oh My!

11) A gutter ball after a spare.

12) The little plastic band-aid thingy's never get thrown away. They just get left on the counter or on the floor of the bathroom.

13) "We must do/enact "Insert liberty compromising stupid ban here" for the children.

14) Jon Stewart, Bathtub Boy Olbermann, Andrea Mitchell, Chris "I get tingles" Matthews and all the rest of the slobbering idiots that call themselves "journalists"

15) The Political Correctness movement. IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE NOT A HOLIDAY TREE!

16) People that use a $100 bill to pay for a 98 cent item.

17) Why does every single light and TV have to be on in this house?

18) Taking a shower only to find that one of my kids left the bath towel in a wet heap on their carpet instead of hanging it back in the bathroom to dry.

19) Where do all the socks go?

20) Writers Block. That's all folks!

Nothing new and exciting has happened here on this front.
The kids are back at school after their 5 day weekend. THANK GOD!! All the infighting and bickering was driving me crazy. Emily is doing well on her medicine. She is a little easier to deal with and the medicine hasn't taken away her Emily-ness. The little girl who insists on wearing mismatched clothing, writes her name on absolutely everything, dials 911, tosses toys everywhere, and is louder than any other child in the house, is alive and well. Parents of children who behave normally, don't understand what a victory it was to sit and have dinner and spend it actually eating and not chasing and shushing and yelling while dinner sits on the table getting cold. Parents of less hyper children can take their child to a movie without having to worry that their child will disrupt the house resulting in them having to leave and wasting that $10. They can take their child to a store and actually shop and not have to spend their time trying to keep their child from pulling clothes off racks and throwing them on the floor or stopping a hysterical tantrum because their child wanted something and they commit the cardinal sin of saying "NO!" They can take their child to a restaurant without having their child stand on a chair and tip it over, spill their drink, insist on sitting UNDER the table, or play with every conceivable thing on the table thus spilling salt and pepper, toppling water glasses, and throwing food. Save the movie example, Emily has done all of these things. It was to the point where I shuddered every time I had to take her out in public and dreaded it. One recent trip to Chef Paul's for some good German food went well until the very end when Emily ran around and around the table, then grabbed a stack full of to go boxes from the wait stand and screamed when I told her to put them back. After I made her sit in her seat, she kicked the table and toppled her Pepsi spilling it everywhere. That's when we all got up and got our coats and said, "Wouldn't it be nice to go somewhere and not HAVE to leave?"
I took Em out for a test run last Tuesday. We went to the store and then out to eat. I was nervous but Emily was great! She behaved. She ate her dinner. She didn't leave a trail of destruction in the store. It was wonderful! Many of my cohorts in the natural and holistic community recommended treating her ADHD with fish oil and herbs and warned against medicating her. I am glad that I decided to medicate her. It's really made such a huge difference but she is still Little Miss Independent and insists on dressing herself, making her own breakfast (under mom's watchful eye of course)and putting on her own shoes, coat and hat. My theory on healing is to use the best of all worlds and hope for synergy. This child can rule the world if she can just learn to rule herself. She is smart and creative and funny and she does things on her terms. She is a survivor, a fighter, and a great kid. Despite all the difficulties with her behavior, I just can't imagine not having Emily around. Those who focus too much on how loud she is or difficult can be, are missing out on how funny she can be or all the smart things she says. They are missing the big picture by focusing too much on her imperfections. The best thing about Emily is, she likes me. My teenagers, Kris and Cassie, are off in their own little worlds and there isn't room for their embarrassing mom anymore. I seriously don't have to do anything to embarrass them. All I have to do to embarrass them is be seen in their presence amongst the teen set they hang around with. Cassie is currently sitting here yelling at ME because she didn't put her favorite DVD back in the cover and it is now missing.

Yesterday was appointment two at the U of C. It was an easy one. I drove there and it took 90 minutes. I went and got my blood tested, had my BP taken and my temp (BP was a little high but they said this med has a tendency to increase BP). 20 minutes later, I was in the car driving back home which took another 90 minutes. I spent the evening working to make up for the 4 hours I was gone and worked until 10:30. This morning, my back is tense from all the sitting.

Life in the fast lane!

Just another Manic Monday

Back at work.. YAWWWN.
As usual, I worked my hours at Big Box Mart and that pretty much killed my weekend. Suddenly, there's been a resurgence of people out buying crap but most has been necessity items and very little luxury items. On Saturday, I left the kids home and went to see "The Wrestler" with my brother and his friend. I would strongly recommend it. I'm not a big fan of Mickey Rourke as I find him a bit creepy BUT, I saw "9 1/2 weeks" back in the day and that movie just bothered me and I've avoided movies with him in it since. Emily has learned to write her name and she is very excited. She's so excited that her name has been written everywhere, on note cards, on my bills, in my checkbook, on walls, entertainment centers and little scraps of paper she finds lying around. Emily has always loved pens and she knows how to use them! Before she learned to write her name, she drew smiley faces. I have smiley faces drawn on my comforter in highlighter pen. And there is a stick man she drew in pen on the arm of my couch which I noticed before our NYE party. "Well, at least he's smiling" says Joe. I was not smiling. There's a smiley on the couch cushion and she drew a big smiley on Cassie's wall in green Sharpie. Though I tell my older kids to please not leave these writing implements lying around, it's beyond their scope to actually listen to a thing I say and then they whine when they open their notebooks and see that Emily has drawn a smiley there.
All the kids have been home since Thursday since the Chicago area has been hit with snow and cold. It was -15 on Thursday night without the windchill and it has snowed every day at some point. My driveway is getting narrower and narrower while places to put the new snow are getting harder and harder to find. One of my customer told me yesterday that we are only a few inches shy of meeting the record set in the famous triplicate blizzards of 1979. My dad took pictures of the three of us in front of the snow drifts which were at least 5 feet high. I've had my fill of bickering and fighting and can't wait until they go back to school tomorrow. We've entered into a heat wave now so they should be able to trek to the bus stop. It's a balmy 10 degrees. Whip out the shorts and tank tops!!

It's been 6 days since I started the Brivanib. About 20 minutes after I take it, it feels like a shot gunned a beer. My head feels a little light but that lasts maybe 20 minutes. 4 hours after I take the drug, I'm ready to lie down and take a nap and I'm also incredibly thirsty. On Friday, I had such a craving for a huge glass of ice water.... The fatigue lasts about an hour and then I feel fine the rest of the day. After a large glass of water, the thirst goes away and I spend the afternoon running in and out of the bathroom. The first three days, I felt a little nausea around the 4 hour mark but when I had a little food, I felt better. So, so far so good. I was worried after reading the trial overview about two things 1) That the side effects would be so bad, I'd have to leave the study and 2) the drug doesn't work. The first part is no longer a fear...The second...we shall see.

Here....We...GO!

I sent my alarm clock for a nice and early 5:00am yesterday as I needed to be at the hospital by 7:45am. I made my breakfast, packed a lunch, my puzzles, some books and my thermos of coffee and set out on my adventure. Lo and Behold, the National Weather Service was WRONG again. White stuff was falling from the sky burying my car and they called for clear skies. Crap! Everyone who lives in a big city knows what any form of precipitation means. It means that it was going to be a VERY long trip to the U of C. The streets were essentially unplowed and I slipped and slid down the street, down Irving Park Rd until I merged onto the Expressway where I stopped slipping and sliding and sat and sat and sat. At 7:15, I had barely gone 10 miles and I had already been sitting in the car for an hour. I called the U of C and told them I was going to be late and inched along the highway, my speedometer barely leaving 0 most of the trip and got as high as 25 at one point. At 10:15, I finally arrived at the hospital my journey taking a little over 4 hours. I checked in and was sent to the Infusion Therapy Dept. Infusion Therapy is essentially "The Chemo Room." Those scheduled to receive their chemo via IV, are taken to a little private room with a chair that looks a lot like a dentist chair. There is a table and a TV and they receive their Chemo via a pre-installed "Mediport" that is usually installed in their chest. The room was packed and for the first time in a long time, I felt fortunate. I was taking an oral pill. I was able to walk into that room on my own volition and I don't look like someone has sucked every red blood cell out of my body. My time in the infusion room was short. After the phlebotomist set up the pic line in my hand and took 5 vials of blood, the clinical nurse delivered my two bottles of Brivanib which I was required to take in his presence. Then I was sent to my own devices with instructions to be back every two hours for a blood draw, the last draw at 5pm. First order of business, find a place to drink that thermos of coffee!! I found a comfy chair on the 4th floor and read and drank my coffee until my next blood draw and get over the little buzz the medicine gave me. After my noon blood draw, I wandered back down to the 4th floor atrium and found an area with a table and some couches. The area was sectioned off and three women were sitting at the table. I poked my head in and asked if I could sit on one of the chairs. On Wed, a cancer support group meets in that area. Because of the weather, no one had shown up and so I became the honorary member. Two of the three women left and the third woman, also named Cathy, asked if I wouldn't mind signing in just so she can take it back to the boss and show them that at least one person came for the meeting. I signed the paper and she and I started talking and we talked until my next blood draw. We talked about healing and what it is and how to really achieve it. I told her my story, not just with cancer but with the ED as well, the journey, the learning process, all of it.

I have spoken to other cancer patients either at the Relay for Life, online, at the hospital, and even while checking groceries at Wal-Mart. We all have different ideas about how to heal. Some patients will not look past the empirical. If it hasn't gone through a clinical trial, they won't look at it and bombast others for falling for a snake oil scheme. I came across an angry patient on a bulletin board who insisted that there is absolutely no proof that CAM therapies work and threatened to report anyone who talked about any CAM therapy. On the other hand, I also talk to people who refuse to look at Western medicine and adhere strictly to nutrition, yoga, meditation, and prayer. They find Western medicine abhorrent and I can't blame them. Many have turned to natural therapies after many rounds of chemo, they had many parts of themselves chopped off, and after Oncologists who refuse to listen to them or write them off for dead. I've seen miracles and inspiration on both sides of the aisle. Regardless of whether they opted for the traditional, the holistic or a little of both, they are thriving, they are fighting, they are surviving even against the odds. I theorize that there is no one way to healing from cancer and the road we take as patients is as individual as the genes that brought us to this point. There's a non-empirical, non-measurable part of every survivor, call it soul, or spirit or will, that keeps us going and drives us forward. But to ensure optimal outcome, we need to BELIEVE in the course we are taking. The state of the mind, drives the body and the mind is incredibly powerful. I told her that the number one thing that patients need to do is learn to handle the fear and I'll admit there are days when I am fearful. Who wouldn't be? Cathy said "Sometimes, when you're in the Labyrinth, it may seem as if you are closest to the exit and it is usually then that you are really the farthest away and vice versa." Even though it seems as if you haven't gained much ground, success may be closer than you think. She thanked me for the conversation, for sharing these bits of my own story. I like to think that there are no cooincidences. At the moment that I entered that atrium, I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. In some way, I may have helped Cathy be a better cancer group leader and from her I received some encouragement and support at the time I really needed encouragement and support. Sarcoma patients, tell your story and keep telling it. You don't know who may influence or what seeds you plant by telling it. Your struggles teach others how to fight and inspire others to keep going and remember, that in the labyrinth, even though you may feel as if you're the farthest away from the exit, you may be closer than you think.

All day yesterday, the National Weather Service was warning of a huge blizzard, lots of wind, blowing snow, cars in the ditch.. My kids were salivating as they expected a snow day. Snow started falling around 5:30 but the roads were crowded with people way before that as people left the office to get home and batton down the hatches for the big storm. We got ....nothing! I woke up this morning to sun streaming through my window and nary a snowflake. Kris was devastated as he actually had to take the final he didn't study for. It did get gosh darn cold. The high tomorrow is expected to be 0 and it is my first day downtown for my first dose of Brivanib. I have no idea what I am going to do there all day but, I went to the store to get a lunch bag and thermos, some puzzles and some comfy clothes. I'll add a book or two along with my Cisco text book so I can start learning about switching. I'm not sure how I feel other than nervous. As any patient will tell you, the only thing worse than going through cancer the first time, is having to go through a recurrence. It's devastating, like the universe and your body has stabbed you in the back and betrayed you and even more so when your diagnosis is a rare disease like Sarcoma and the options are few and the options you have are painful and body altering.

Right now, I am completely lacking deep thoughts and so it is off to bed for me as I pray that my results in 12 weeks will be encouraging.

Good night and Good luck!

16 Random things...for Nonalee

Every now and then you get one of those getting to know you thingys in your email. I rarely fill them out because generally I'm running off somewhere or doing something else or getting distracted. But tonight, in a feat rarely performed in my email inbox or anywhere I occupy in Cyberspace, I will take part in one. This is for Nonalee who sent it..

"Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose at least 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you!!"

1) I am a politics junkie. I'm not Democrat. I'm not Republican. I am Libertarian. I did NOT vote for Obama. I live in Chicago and do not vote for politicians that come out of this city. They are all crooks. That said, I put faith in individuals not government. Thomas Jefferson said "A Government big enough to give you all you want, is powerful enough to take all you have."

2) M&M's, Almond Joys and Mounds bars are my FAVORITE candies, that is when I ate sugar. Now I vicariously enjoy them.

3) I won an essay contest when I was in the 8th grade entitled "What Freedom Means to Me." I won a $100 bond, a nice certificate, had my name in the paper and the Congressman who sponsored the Essay contest came to my school to give me the award personally. They pulled me out of gym when I was all sweaty and gross and captured that image for posterity in the Downers Grove Reporter.

4) I rarely watch TV. I either listen to the radio or surf the net instead. The only time I ever watch TV is when I'm ready to fall asleep at night or am sick in bed. When I do watch TV, I watch TNT.

5) I play the piano. I started when I was 9 and have taken lessons on and off since then. I currently am on a break from my lessons but will start again as soon as some things are out of the way. When I was in college, I played piano at two banquets. I have terrible performance anxiety and rarely play for anyone other than myself, the cats and the dust bunnies.

6) When I was in the 8th grade, I took roller skating lessons. After a few lessons, the instructor took me aside and told me I had natural skating talent and should take private lessons to develop my skills. My parents Kaboshed that idea and I never became the next Peggy Fleming.

7) I am a RECOVERED Anorexic/Bulimic and suffer from clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder which I have managed without medication for some years. It was my first victory in the many battles I've had to fight with myself. I still talk to some young women and sometimes men who suffer with Eating Disorders. I hope I showed them that they can recover and that there is a life beyond it.

8) I am allergic to most metals. I have pierced ears but around my 19th birthday, I couldn't wear earrings anymore as they would make my earlobe swell and itch. I found that the only jewelry I can wear is a necklace. Any metal on my skin too long causes a rash.

9) I collect Depression Glass (Glass manufactured during the Depression Era) and Elegant Glass which is a finer grade glassware made during the 20's - 70's. I have a huge cabinet full of it and I could probably furnish my house with what I paid for it but I love it! It's one of the things in my life I love doing most. YAY ANTIQUING! YAY DEBT!

10) I was part of a Ghost Hunting group for about a year. I have always been interested in the paranormal. Did I find a ghost? Oddly enough, not really on my ghost hunting expeditions but the townhome I was living in had some very odd goings on. The people I sold it to, moved out when they saw the figure of a little girl in the upstairs bathroom. I have a few stories about life there as well though I never saw anything.

11) I am afraid of heights and I get nervous on bridges over large waterways like the Mississippi river. I go to Iowa to visit friends and when crossing the I80 bridge over the Mississippi, I always drive on the inside lane with both hands on the steering wheel, holding on for dear life.

12) I eat everything and I mean absolutely everything including tacos and pizza with a knife and fork. Well, maybe not soup but, you know what I mean.

13) My favorite beverages are coffee and beer from Micro Breweries. I rarely drink anymore. When I drink, I want a GOOD beer. Amber Ales, Bock and Brown Ales are my favorites. YAY DRUNKENESS!

14) I have a smart ass 15 year old son who is standing over my shoulder saying smart ass things about what I am writing.

15) I used to be a blonde, a natural blonde. During my college, my hair turned brown and it is still brown with those annoying little gray strands which I pick out with tweezers when no one is looking.

16) I can't stand peanut butter and I never could stand peanut butter. I do like Thai Peanut sauce and peanut soup but peanut butter...BLECH!

There ya have it. Proof that I am 100% BORING! I never won a Pulizer. I am not a closet millionaire. I did not save millions of lives.

This concludes our broadcast day. Have a good night :)

I swear officer.......

I have now returned to life in the matrix for another week.

Tuesday night, while I was talking on the phone, the doorbell rang. Outside stood a police officer. Quite surprised, I asked if there was an issue. He said that someone from my number called 911. As I was on the phone for at least an hour at that point, no one could have called 911. I assured him everything was OK and that it must have been a mistake. He seemed satisfied with the answer and left. The next day, the police called asking if someone called 911. Again, we stated no one called the emergency number. Perplexed, I remembered an officer telling me that sometimes, when a cordless phone was not functioning correctly, it would dial 911. A bad phone didn't seem too outrageous. I have 3 kids and bought a nice new phone system with a base that was placed in the kitchen and two cordless phones that could be placed elsewhere. We put one phone downstairs and one in the Living room. Now, I have teenagers. The cordless phone has been lost in couch cushions, shoved in Emily's toybox, stuffed in drawers, cabinets, kicked under the bed, left in the bathroom, the shower, and left in the garage. One of my handsets stopped working when one of my rocket scientists left it in a laundry basket and washed it. So now, we are down to one, decrepit handset that I found behind my brothers desk this morning. The speaker phone no longer works and the ringer has long since died. It's a silent, decrepit phone. Yesterday, while I was at the bowling alley for my usual Thursday night excercise in futility, ie keeping that gosh darn ball on the alley and hit pins, Cassie called to tell me that once again, the police called inquiring about a 911 call. Darnit! says I. After Emily dumped water on my laptop, Christmas, and New Years, I just don't have the money to replace the broken down phone but if I have to, I have to. I thought nothing of the 911 incident anymore until my doorbell rang this morning and out there stood another officer of the law. Before she could even open her mouth, I said "I swear officer, I did NOT call 911." "Well someone did from this address" she said, obviously annoyed. I stated my dead, decrepit phone theory, but she said no. The 911 operator stated she heard a small child in the background.. AH HA!!!! EMILY!!! At this point my precocious child peeked around the corner, saw the officer standing there and ran. "EMMIE", I said, "Did you call 911?" Em peeked around the corner and didn't answer, then said "Am I going to go to jail?" The officer yelled at her and told her that calling 911 when you didn't need it, resulted in pulling her away from calls from people who actually needed help. Em ran away. The officer told me to talk to my child. I apologized profusely. I went and checked my cell phone and sure enough, there in my dialed calls was 911. As for why Emily called 911, my precious child, has a little crush on a little boy at daycare named Tommy. Tommy's dad is a police officer. She thought by calling 911, she could talk to Tommy. Kinda melts your heart.

Believe me, Em is doing very well on her Strattera but this was not the act of an ADHD child. This was just a precocious 4 year old who is too smart for her own good. I felt after that, it was time to take her to daycare. As I was dressing, I heard a pounding noise. "Em, what are you doing?" "Nothing" she said, "my hand is."

Out of the mouths of babes.

It's been a long day.

My first trip to the U of C for my trial was tiring. It snowed today which means that a normal snapping turtle walking aimlessly along the Eisenhower Expressway could have passed me up. My appt was at noon. I checked in and was sent to the lab for a blood test. Veins had lost their tude today so the 5 vials of blood was a breeze! Then it was off to the Heart lab. I had an EKG and an echo cardio gram. My blood pressure was good 112/60 and the test required that I lie there and relax. Who can ask for more? I was actually amazed. I barely waited for any test. They took me immediately at the blood lab, immediately at the Heart lab and I didn't have to wait in line for 30 minutes waiting for the Valet to park my car. After my battery of tests, I went back to Oncology to see the nurse and Dr. in charge of the clinical trial. It's been almost 3 years since my diagnosis and the word "Oncology" is still as daunting as it was on Day 1. As I waited in line to check in, I still couldn't believe that I was standing anywhere with a sign that dared insinuate I have rouge cancer cells. The waiting room was completely full. One woman was knitting. Definitely a sign that my no wait day was about to end ....and it did. After 90 minutes, I tapped the desk and asked if they were absolutely sure they let the Dr. know I was here.

I always look around the waiting room at the people that are occupying space with me. Most are old. Some look sick. Some don't. I feel out of place. I'm young and sometimes I catch an older person staring at me too. Today the waiting room was packed and people spilled out into the hallway to sit on folding chairs. I wonder what their stories are. It's impossible to tell which are there with Sarcomas. One Sarcoma patient told me that what we with rare cancer feel is "Cancer Envy." It's when we with a rare disease with only limited therapies available to us, most experimental and a kind of cancer that has no awareness, very little research funding, walk into a waiting room full of women with breast cancer and are jealous that they have options and awareness and little pink ribbons, and every single grocery product in October has a pink label. They have the Susan G Komen foundation and the Y ME breast cancer run. We Sarcoma patients get blank stares and travel the US trying to find one knowledgeable Oncologist who cares and knows anything about Sarcomas. We fight for places in Clinical trials. We don't look forward to "remission." We look forward to "Stability." I noticed I suffered from cancer envy the first time I returned to my Thursday night bowling league and participated in "Bowl for the Cure." The USBC has a campaign to raise money for ...you guessed it "breast cancer." When I participated in Relay for Life, pink shirts lined the track. Besides me, I ran into ONE Sarcoma patient besides me and from what I have been told that was rare. NOt that breast cancer isn't a rotten to the core disease that needs to be anihilated. NOt that I haven't had a family member who died from Breast cancer. But, caught early breast cancer is curable. There are pages and pages and pages of therapies. There are scads and scads of Oncologists and in every cancer center, every Dr. knows about Breast cancer. Not so with Sarcoma. When my lung biopsy came back positive for sarcoma cells, my Oncologist had literally NO idea what to do with me. He had no idea which chemos worked. He had no experience with the disease. All he could do was ask around and ask other Oncologists if they had a name of anyone in the Chicago area who treated the disease. When you live in an urban area as I do, there may be one. If you live in the sticks, you travel for hours to find your specialist.
So here I am in a clinical trial for Brivanib. I refused the results of my scan two days ago and decided mentally, I'd be better off not knowing. But, I did consent to know the results of my blood tests. The Dr. said my blood is absolutely perfect and she said, I looked great. As expected, my Blood pressure and temperature rose the minute I walked in the door but my body does funny things when I am anxious.

Next week, I return for the drug. I check in at 7:45am next Wed and I am to be there alllllllllll day. I guess I need to pack a lunch. There is a cafeteria but after 10 days at the hospital over there, I know for a fact that the food is really really awful and the University of Chicago is not close to anything except really big houses.

So much for being kicked out of the study due to NED.

Re-emerging from the Matrix...

The holidays are over. The tree is down and back in its box and the last of Christmas was packed in boxes and put back under the stairs. New Years Day for me, is the last day of Christmas. As usual, we spent it on the couch watching movies, recovering from NYE which was very nice this year. I worked my normal shift at Big Box Mart this weekend and last night, I laid down to take a little nap and woke up at 7:30 this morning. All my co-workers were back from their holiday vacations, my inbox was full, and at 4pm today, started the first steps back into Cancer-land. I slugged down my two bottle fulls of Barium. UCK!! After a full day of fasting, you would think they would provide a better tasting radioactive compound that is at least thirst quenching. I couldn't even have any water. Then, went to the hospital for the trip down the rabbit hole to Cancer-land. Only instead of Hookah smoking characters and the mad hatter, we have mad Dr's, radioactive isotopes, needles, scanxiety, and sometimes and I mean sometimes, some really really good drugs. There was something sobering about handing the intake worker a script for the scan that said "DX-Metastatic Sarcoma" a nice and depressing reminder that the illusion of the matrix was gone and I was stuck looking straight at the energy sucking reality of this disease. So, after getting poked three times in the arm because of stubborn veins, through the medical rabbit hole I went. After the first batch of pics, the tech came out to inject the dye and asked if I already started the chemo. I said no. He said, so you've had no chemo or radiation at all? No, I said...just radiation to the tumor. As a cancer patient, I read too much into everything. I look for looks on the tech's faces. Do they look piteously as I leave the room? Do they smile? Then I overanalyze everything. Do things look normal? Is that why he asked if I started the chemo? My fingers are crossed that my nutritional protocol finally started kicking my rouge cells in line. But my kids don't listen to me immediately. Why should my rouge cells? I'll keep kicking those cells in line with broccoli and fish oil!! That will teach them! We got some extra pics of my liver. After seeing the alarm on my face, the tech said that one small pocket didn't take up the dye normally and it looked like I have a small cyst. Because of my history, he wanted to be sure. Great! Another thing to worry about. Double Broccoli!! Double Omega 3!! Double green juice!! Thus ends my entry into Cancer-Land. On Wednesday, I go to the U of C for an EKG and Blood work. Hopefully by then, my veins will have adjusted their attitude, the Dr. will not make me wait two hours and the tests will be a breeze. In my little matrix world, the nodules will have resolved themselves and I'll be kicked out of the study due to NED :) I can dream can't I?

Happy New Year 2009

I am not a fan of New Years Eve as a holiday but we do try and have a nice send off for the old year and a nice welcome for the new year. We have had large parties and small parties and today, just a nice dinner with a few close friends and family, then a small after dinner party for those that choose to come to the house. I generally don't make New Years resolutions but this year, I will make one.

I am going to work my hardest for remission but if stability is what I achieve, I'll take it.

Happy New Year 09 to all my friends and family!!!
Prayers for all the Sarcoma patients out there. I pray for you often, all the fighters I know and all the ones I don't. A cure is a tall order for 09 but a little bit at a time, we can get there.

I found this study and it has intrigued me:
Omega-3

Nutritionally, I use the Budwig Protocol. Dr. Budwig was chastised for her premise that Omega-3 fatty acids can reverse cancer. Here we have one study that supports her proposition, though anecdotal. Do not take a lot of Vitamin C or E or any antioxidant supplements with DHA or EPA. It is theorized that this intervention worked by opening the ERK pathway and the cancer cells were then pummeled with a free radical attack, inducing apoptosis. When cooking, do not use vegetable oils, soybean oils or any partially hydrogenated oils. Human tolerance to Omega 3 fatty acids is around 300mg per KG. I started taking about 100mg per KG. We'll see what happens.

Besides my full time job at Ma Bell, I work a part time job at a retailer, THE retailer, Wal-mart who I fondly call Big Box Mart . I don't do anything earth shaking. I check groceries but as most people that serve the public do, I have interesting stories about my dealings with our fellow man. We see it all in retail, the good, the bad, the ugly and the absolutely mind blowing. Those of us who are Christians, have just come off one of the most anticipated seasons of the year, Christmas. Our churches preach good will, fellowship, peace, harmony, love, family, and laughter. Some of our customers attended church and heard these lessons blasted from the pulpits. But I have found after this Christmas and last Christmas the lessons of the season are often forgotten in the presence of .....THE AFTER CHRISTMAS SALE!! Big Box store marked all Christmas items from air freshener to dog treats 50% off and hearded all these holidays items to the seasonal section of the store. People poured through the doors and either headed for the return line or to the seasonal section and peace on Earth, good will toward men fell by the wayside as they yelled at customer service agents for not taking back gifts that were not purchased at Wal-mart, gifts that were received LAST Christmas, placing returns on a card for in store credit as opposed to giving them cash and whatever the customers tried to pull as they pimped for every single darn penny. In my own line, I fought with customers who tried to convince me that every day items such as a surge protector and a DVD player with a Christmas promo on the box qualified for a 50% discount. All around me customers yelled and screamed at cashiers who would not fall for the age old tricks that our customers try to pull to get cheaper DVD's, food items and clothes by pulling off tags so we didn't know the price, stating that this or that item qualified for a mark down, pleaded ignorance that they did not know that coupon was for Target only. In the seasonal aisle, customers grabbed and pushed and hoarded and yelled at eachother. Mind you, not every customer was like this but how many of us forget our humanity in how we deal with matters dealing with money? Our store was filled with Scrooges who were so caught up in the consumerism that the idea behind gift giving was a lesson lost. The original gift of Christmas which was the Christ Child, was cheapened by people who decided that getting away with a few extra dollars was worth the feelings of their fellow man and over the Thanksgiving weekend, the life of an employee. Is it worth it? How shallow those lives must be. Provided we need a little money to get by and make sure our physical needs are met but at the end of our lives, how many cars we own, how big our house is, how many furs or knick nacks we have mean nothing. Don't get me wrong. There are good people that come to our store. I waited on many who spent 100's of dollars on clothing and gifts for the poor. I also waited on many who would sell their soul for a 5 dollar savings. I see lessons in the lives of people like Anna Nicole Smith. A court case that granted her 435 million dollars, was worthless. What she spent her life trying to achieve in the end yielded her what life eventually yields to us all. What good did allll that money do her? As groups strive to take the religious significance out of Christmas and turn it into a holiday about red nosed reindeer and snowmen and abject materialism, I wonder how we allowed political correctness to get us to this point.

Luke 2:7-20, “And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes, and laid Him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them. And they were sore afraid and the angel said unto them, fear not: for, behold I bring you Good tidings of great Joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a saviour which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly host praising God, and saying, glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace, and goodwill towards men. "

And that, Charlie Brown, is what Christmas is all about...

The Day After

I am still living in the Matrix and refuse to venture out.

Our Christmas was subdued, quiet, elegant... The only noise was Emily, my 4 year old who was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Life with ADHD is well...interesting, frustrating, maddening and in some ways the biggest challenge of my existence that dwarfs even the current condition. Provided every child throws a tantrum and acts up in public at one point in their young lives. ADHD children know when parents are in a vulnerable position and can't do anything without the many judgmental eyes of other parents who don't have a clue what it is like to have to deal with a child who has absolutely zero impulse control and is absolutely unfazed by consequences. Then take that child and add CHRISTMAS!! CHRISTMAS! The grand daddy of all kid holidays which per Jean Shepard of a "A Christmas Story" fame, the whole kid year revolves. Emily has been unruly since Thanksgiving, since the Christmas tree came out of the box with all the ornaments. Our beautifully decorated tree has been violated countless times by one pain in the neck 8 month old kitten and one vivacious, overly excited 4 year old who has decided that all the ornaments are the same as little glass barbie dolls. The breakage this year has reached its highest level. Parents of non-ADHD children simply put the glass ornaments up high and ground their kids from ice cream. Parents with ADHD children need to make sure that there is nothing around that the child can climb on to reach the glass ornaments, put extra security at the bottom of the tree so that when the determined child falls into it reaching for the forbidden fruit, it doesn't fall over and uses only the B-list ornaments so that the A-list ornaments don't wind up in pieces on the floor, in the toybox, in the childs shoes, in the childs jacket pockets, in the childs purse, on the floor of the car, in the catbox in the fridge and all the other places Emily has hidden them. They say "STAY OUT OF THE TREE!" 100,000 times, ground their kids from ice cream, TV, dessert, slap them in time out, yell, scream, threaten, and 5 minutes after the punishment ends, find their little darling climbing on an end table trying to reach the glass snowman ornament which ultimately will meet its demise anyway. Right now, there are big gaping bald spots on the tree where ornaments have mysteriously disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle of Emily's little world. Fast forward to Dec 23. It snowed. It snowed A LOT. It snowed all morning, all afternoon and allll night. Being that I'm last minute charlie this year, I had countless errands to run the day before the Eve. For those that don't know, my family is of European descent and we do our celebrating on Christmas Eve. That is when we have the nice dinner and open presents. So my plan was to hit the health food store, Target and then get my groceries. By my calculations, on a non snowy day, these errands should have taken 4 hours. In reality, that day, they took 7 as I hauled groceries through slushy slippery parking lots, drove 15 miles an hour in between stores, skidded and slipped and true to form, forgot where I parked the car and wandered through the parking lots like an idiot. But we at least got that white Christmas we've all been dreaming of. I hauled three stores worth of things into the house, unpacked it all, fed the kids pizza, washed floors, and hoped and prayed that Em would go to sleep SOON so that I could wrap presents. This was the only day this year when I wished I wasn't a single parent. I hate wrapping!!! I just wanted to get it over with but no...not in ADHD world. The best laid plans fall by the wayside. The child would not go to sleep. She did jump on the bed, ask about when Santa was going to come 100 times, fought with Cassie, had a meltdown or two or three, kept checking underneath the tree, and finally at midnight, fell asleep. I wrapped until 3am and dragged my tired self to bed only be awoken at 7 am by a wound up child upset that Santa hadn't come yet. All day, she pushed me to hurry and pestered and whined and jumped and ran and screamed and melted down and fought with Kris and Cass who forget sometimes that Em is 4 and they are teenagers. I yelled at her several times for bumping into the table as I was trying to set it, at one point, pulling the table cloth and the dishes right off. When's Santa coming? Can we eat now? When's Santa coming? After one of her meltdowns, she fell asleep and I was able to get things done. Being that I am on my nutrional kick and Joe is on a vitamin K-less diet, I was very mindful of the ingredients I used for appetizers. I made a Vidalia onion dip without mayo, coconut shrimp which I baked instead of fried and used organic coconut, organic spelt flour and egg white. We had veggies and fruit. Crackers that were baked and made out of rice or wheat flour and cheese and various dips. Dinner was salad, asparagus, carrots, Balsamic Shrimp on a skewer over a bed of organic wild rice. Dessert was cookies that the kids made. We listened to Christmas music and when it was time to look for Santa, Emily was the first with her coat and shoes on and in the car. My sister and I stayed behind and put everything under the tree then left the house so it looked like we were not home when Santa came. Em was happy with EVERYTHING she got. The biggest mistake I made was buying her a little drum set that came with maracas and a tambourine. She has played with that toy the most. Now the challenge will be teaching her that playing the drum at 5am is not appropriate. So thus ends another Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, Em went to her dads. The rest of us went and saw a movie, then came home and watched "Dark Knight". Today, I am cleaning up the cat yak as all the ribbon they have ingested keeps coming back up, ground up cookie, smushed chocolate, spilled soda, spilled powdered sugar, boxes, tags, wrappings, stale beer, and melted puddles of snow. Can't wait to do it all again New Years Eve.

8 months later....

Once again, I forgot about my little corner of the cyberworld that my one reader reads. It would take too long to catch it up on all that transpired since the last post but I will say this, Kris and my duet was a hit! Kris did really well and no one could hear me anyway YAY! I have been given the new piece for IHSA and my piano teacher and I will work on it once the new year starts and I am back at lessons.

I've always purposefully kept the cancer part of my life out of my blog because I wanted my corner to be unfettered with the worries that come from being a cancer patient. Things were going well and I wanted one part of my life untouched by it but that is no longer possible. January 7 we will start the "battle of lung mets." In November, I opted for a lung biopsy because some nodules we were watching grew a little bit. One grew about 3mm, one grew 1mm and one is still stable. Unfortunately, the Radiologist noted that several barely detectable nodules are beginning to form. At this time, they aren't even 1mm. Worst fears confirmed, the sarcoma has been in my lung since shortly after surgery. Bummer! The good news is, it's a relatively slow growing sarcoma, a Malignant Peripheral Nerve Sheath tumor, stubborn, chemo insensitive, very rare. So, here is what is in my cancer kicking toolbox

1- Budwig nutritional protocol. I make sure my Omega 3 to Omega 6 ratio is what it is supposed to be.
I eat very very little meat. I'll admit there are days I would like nothing more than a HUGE cheeseburger!
I don't eat sugar (sucks royally! For some, a life without chocolate is not a life worth living. I have found a few substitutions but...it's just not the same.)
I don't eat refined sugar or flour.
I don't eat processed foods

1- daily dose of green juice that tastes absolutely terrible but I call it a cup of health and envision all the nutrients in that pressed, kale, turnip, collard and mustard greens, celery, cucumber and wheat grass powder, surrounding the cancer cells like the calvary and shooting it down.

1- really huge plate of raw salad, loaded with veggies, dressed with Braggs raw cider vinegar, sometimes topped with Nutritional yeast.

1- serving of fresh fruit. I'm starting to really appreciate grapes and mango. YUM.

1- healthy attitude. There's a part of me that is in denial but I call it a healthy denial. I don't stop my life, don't use my condition as an excuse to stop living and get away with locking myself in a room feeling sorry for myself. Understandably life is a terminal condition and eventually we will all leave this Earth but I'm denying that it is going to happen soon and on terms other than mine.

I REFUSE to give up my daily cup of coffee. I've been told tea is better for me. Maybe, maybe not. I never cared for tea. Drinking it causes me stress. Stress causes health issues. NO TEA FOR ME!

On Jan 7th, I opted to take part in a clinical trial for a new drug called Brivanib. I decided to live the holidays in my healthy denial and ease gently into reality with a nice drink of contrast dye and a pass through the medical donut hole into the medical netherworld that is far from the normal life that I had prior to diagnosis. I feel like Neo when he ventures out of the matrix. Cancer is my Morpheus. Denial can be so wonderful! In my denial world, Cancer can be washed away with a plate of veggies and a glass of kelly green juice that tastes like well...grass. Life goes on as before and I am immortal. My mind can make it go away simply by wishing it. The movie and book "The Secret" touch upon this concept, that I can put my order in to the universe that overdosing on nutrition can wash the cancer away and my healthy denial can become a healthy reality.

Never tell me the odds! a creedo stated by the wise and wonderful Han Solo :)

That's all for now. I'm going to ease silently back into the Matrix and enjoy my Christmas, the lights, the tree, the gifts, the food, the hangover...all of it. May your Christmas be fulfilling.

I'm tired! What a week and it's not close to over yet. Tuesday, I worked at the Mart and it was the most boring evening I had there. The only good thing about it was leaving right at closing time but I did have to stop at Wal-greens to get cold medicine for Em who had a temperature. I picked up some gummy princess vitamins for Em and some regular vitamins for the kids. Since Kris lives on a diet of cheeseburgers and pizza puffs, I've started Veggie Monday. On Monday night, I cook a vegetarian dish loaded with all sorts of fresh vegetables and beans or rice. You would think I was killing him. I WANT MEAT! THERE'S NO MEAT!! I told him that at least once a week, I want a guarantee of something healthy in his little body. He's been sick 4 or 5 times with stomach flu or a cold or something since October and now has transferred it to Em and Cass. At least one of the three has had something in the past few weeks. So far, I'm fine but then again, I eat my veggies. Tuesday night, Kris informed me we would be rehearsing in front of his band class and I needed to be at his high school at 11:10 so I could accompany him. Well CRAP! The very thought of playing in front of a bunch of 14 year olds, who are probably way better than me at this point, gave me jitters. Wednesday morning, as I'm freaking out about having to do that, I received an email from the other member of survivor committee, stating she's sick and can I do the survivor speech at kick off. EEEEEE! I don't talk in front of people. I even hate speaking up on a darn conference call! The last time I gave any sort of talk in front of people was 1985 in my Rhetoric class and I SUCKED! But, well what the heck. Wednesday was performance day apparently! I ran out the door, dropped Em at daycare, and met Kris in the band room. Snagged a practice room and started to warm up a little. Every time I heard someone outside, I'd screw up. Gave myself a talking to! As if the 14 year old gives a damn or is even listening. After awhile Kris joined me so we could run through it once together. Mr. Confident was shaking. He said it was from doing weights in gym class. YEAH RIGHT! But, we got through it and ironically enough, he who performs all the time, was trying to keep it together up there. I told him to just look at me and not his very bored looking class. We survived. We got applause. A couple of his bandmates gave me a high five and it wasn't too terrible. I ran to my piano lesson, ran home, threw together some outline for my speech, did absolutely nothing in regards to work for AT&T and then ran out the door to my meeting. Surprisingly, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be and I didn't even look at my outline. My main goal was not to sound like an idiot. I made a couple women cry. It's not quite what I intended but I guess I said something that resonated. Mission accomplished. My main goal is to teach, educate, instill awareness for Sarcomas. Before diagnosis, I had never heard of it. Perhaps if I had, I may have taken the small bump more seriously and would have saved having some serious egg on my face. But, none of the people in the room knew about Sarcomas either and one or two came up to me to say that they would probably have blown something like off too because they do not grow in a major organ. I'd like to think that somewhere down the line, what I said
will save a life.

It's official, Kris and I WILL be performing that piece. EEEK!!!! I have no idea what time. As it gets closer to the day, we will know.

There has been not a whole lot going on. I fixed my wireless router problem by spending a ton of money on new one and replaced my black toner. HP charges 70 dollars for a pack of cartridges. UGH!!! It's not the huge things that tap into the monthtly budget. It's these little things: a punctured tire, a computer problem, an oil change, replacing a pair of gym shoes because your kid stepped in a bottomless puddle, your kid losing a jacket, a fried ignitor on the furnace. Life just nickels and dimes you to death. So there I am at Wal-mart on weekends. This weekend was no less a circus. I worked 8 hours on the busiest register in the store and yesterday, I must have dealt with the stores crabbiest customers.
A man, woman and their son came through my line. The woman had all her groceries arranged on the belt in the order she wanted me to bag them. Now, I'll admit, I never went to bagging academy. I try to be conscious about what I put where but I frankly never really noticed what the baggers put where when I shop. This lady hovered over me like a helicopter. I put something in a bag, she took it out and put it in a different bag. She was so close to me as I bagged things, I could feel her breath on my face. Every now and then, she'd make a snide comment, you don't put soda pop with cans. You don't put chips with that. Never put anything in with eggs. They should be bagged on their own. (I put light stuff in with eggs, a bag of chips or a loaf of bread). After a minute or two, this womans husband says. "Dear" (dripping with sarcasm) "If you are such a bagging expert, why don't you get a job here and show everyone?" This woman stands up straight and in a raised voice says "Well YOU'RE not the one who puts the stuff away! You've been a F'n Asshole all day! You're an ASSHOLE!" The man said, "Yup, it's all my fault. I'm the asshole!" I did not look up. I just kept grabbing groceries, scan, beep, bag, scan, beep, bag.. Finally, they stopped quibbling, she hands me two sweaters and insists she doesn't want me to scan them in any way that would allow them to touch the "dirty scanner". I started to remove the hangars as is policy and she says snidely, can I have those PLEASE? Sure, says I. I started to remove them so I could fit them in on top of the folded clothing and she says, "JUST PUT THEM IN THE BAG!" The next customer shot me a look of pity. Frankly, nothing any of my customers has ever said to me, yelled at me or pissed about has ever bothered me an iota. After 10 years in Restaurant, I have a thick skin when it comes to that stuff. I simply take the opportunity to shut the Hell up and get them out as sson as humanly possible. These incidents do result in some interesting stories about people and how ridiculous they can be. God bless em! And God bless that guy. He married that woman! I only had to deal with her for 10minutes.

Scan results are in but they want me to make an appointment to get them! ARGH! I at first thought it proves they found something. But, other patients state that their 3 months checkup is always scheduled after a scan so the Dr. can present the results, take questions and see if we have any concerns. So, I will do that. They probably did flag the surgical area. They did with my MRI. I just don't like this. It prolongs my position as cancer patient when all I want to do is get back to normal life as soon as possible and forget about it until 4 months from now and the next scan.

I had two 8 hour shifts at Big Box Store this weekend. Of course now, I'm 100% useless. Yesterday was crazy! They stuck me at the busiest register. I didn't look up from groceries all day. Person after person after person after person. One of my pet peeves has to be when an item someone wants to buy has not UPC code. I know how this happens. People load their carts with crap. When they get to the register, they change their minds about this thing or that thing and shove it anywhere. It's like a scavenger hunt after a busy day. We'll find a bra in the pepsi cooler. Kids clothing in with the batteries. frozen goods in with the gum. When we find it we put it in a shopping cart, sort it in the back and put it back on the shelves. Of course some have lost their tag in the process of being stuffed and shoved somewhere creative. Yesterday, one of the items I attempted to scan had a tag missing half it's numbers. Why? Because the small child in the shopping cart was chewing on it. Fortunately, the price was still intact. On a busy day, we are supposed to call the department and never get an answer because all the associates are busy shoving stuff back where it belongs. In the meantime, people get irritated, they start checking their watches, they start yelling at me and I just ask the customer, what do you think the price was? One buck? SOLD! Yes sir, I understand this shirt was on the $2.00 shelf. That's because someone decided they didn't want it and shoved on the $2.00 rack. I wonder sometimes if I'm working at an Indian market instead of a US Retail store. I've haggled prices with the best of them. And in the breakroom, we laugh at everyone and share war stories. I was lectured by some old lady yesterday because the price of Dixie cups went up 3 cents since the last time she bought Dixie cups. She could have bought the damn things last year for all I know. What can ya say? Gotta love people. Some transactions go smoothly. Sometimes, a customer will argue the price on everything. Oh no! that's 2.97 not 3 bux. Nope.. those batteries were in the dollar bin. Sorry, that's $5 not $9.95. As if they can seriously remember the price of every damn thing they put in there. So, it's over for another few days. Thank goodness!

All the kids have run through some sort of illness this week. Em woke up Monday night with Niagra Falls running out of her nose. Kris was up Wednesday night throwing up. Cass had a fever yesterday and this morning. I missed bowling to stay home with Kris and Em and decided to do my taxes. Had trouble with the tax software and was up until 1am and never did fix it. So, I was on the phone with support for 2 hours on Friday and finally my taxes are filed. Friday night, I downed two terrible tasting bottles of Barium Sulfate and had my CT scan done. Afterwards, I was a little depressed. I never have a good feeling after one of those things. The last 3 have not been the greatest and they always find something. I changed my entire diet. I've had one bite of chocolate since New Years. Otherwise, all I've been eating is fruits, veggies, rice and beans, getting 8 full hours of sleep, and drinking organic juice when I would like nothing more than a cheeseburger and a side of fries. I am hoping it was not all for naught. And of course, since the kids were sick, I'm sure my body is fighting off some virus and some lymph node is swollen so my Dr. can freak about that. That's about all. I haven't been in any sort of trouble for ages. I think that's a sign I'm not having any fun. I think it's time!
Getting an estimate on my flooring on Wednesday. That's something to look forward to.

IT WAS SUNNY TODAY!! Cold as anything but nary a cloud in the sky. It's been weeks since we've had no sort of precipitation. Of course it's all Global Warmings fault. If it's cold, it's Global Warming. If it's hot, it's Global Warming. If it rains, snows, sleets and hails, it's Global Warming. If it doesn't snow enough, it's Global Warming! AHHHH!!! I hate to be a naysayer but I'm just getting a little sick of all these Global Warming shenanigans which will result in a lot of STOOOPID legislation because it's all the US's fault that the polar bears are drowning. I love how the rest of the world takes no ownership and they defer to us SUV driving, gas guzzling, wasteful spending, industry polluting, cretins here in the US to solve the issue. Thanks Al Gore!!

My second comment, Democrats, OBAMA??? COME ON!! I live in IL and I'm still hoping for all those changes that he's promising the Nation. But as Mr. Obama says, I HAVE HOPE THAT AMERICA WILL CHANGE SOMETHING THAT HASN'T BEEN CHANGED BEFORE! CHANGE, WE NEED CHANGE!! I can use a little change in my pockets. So I guess that counts. Perhaps when Mr. Obama changes his socks everyday, he tells the US that he has changed something, and is not a liar. I fail to be inspired.

Third comment, Hannah Montana. I don't get it.

Fourth comment, I need new wiper blades. I'm getting mighty sick of driving with one little hole of clear vision and the rest of the windshield covered in salt smears.

Fifth comment, I need new black toner for my printer.

Sixth comment, my router died and took my wireless internet with it. WAH!

Seventh comment, I need a shower.

Do you get the idea there just isn't a whole lot going on? Em has a cold. Cass needs colored pencils. Kris is writing poetry for school. The duet is coming along. I have learned the notes, now we are working on the music. That's about all.

OK. The snow thing is getting JUST A LITTLE OLD. Last weeks snow storm resulted in a nice thin sheet of ice covering everything since it was 50 degrees, rained, then dropped to 30 degrees, then went back up to 40 degrees and dropped to -10 overnight so all that rain froze into a 4 inch thick block of ice on my stoop instead of a 1 inch block. As a matter of fact, the mailman refused to deliver my mail for 2 days. It took Kris and I and a pitchfork to break all that ice up so that no one would kill themselves trying to get up my stairs.
My weekend was as usual, uneventful. I spent a few hours at big box store and basically cleaned and did the usual running around. Emily was with her idiot father and woke up with a nice cold on Monday that was worse today. I had a Relay for Life meeting tonight and of course, it snowed. After my 3:30 conference call, I left for Lisle. Traffic was cruising until I hit I355. Then I sat and sat and sat and sat...No worries, I said to myself, it's probably just back up to the tollbooth. Then I got to the tollbooth and traffic still didn't move. NO worries, I told myself, it's just a backup to the next exit. When traffic still hadn't started moving at the next exit, I figured it was a back up to China. Needless to say every car that entered I355 from any exit pissed me off as I silently screamed at them to GET OFF THE DAMN ROAD! Can't you see all these cars???? GO THE HELL AWAY!!! After 3 hours, I went 17 miles, the meeting was over half an hour ago, and I inched along to the next exit and turned around and went home. The home trip was much faster. So, I laughed at all the idiots on the other side where I was as I cruised past them at 30mph! SEE YA SUCKERS!!! HA HA HA! I'm on THIS side now! What did I accomplish in three hours in the car? Well, I heard all the primary results and listened to 10 news reports on how traffic sucks.

This time of year is so blah. Letsee, what do I have to look forward to? Nothing! In one month, I'm hoping all the contractors will have started the work I want done in the house and it will look better by April. I get to look forward to doing my taxes on Friday night and my favorite, I GET TO GO FOR MY CT SCAN ON FRIDAY!! While all those happy couples are out there dining, getting flowers and oversized chocolate hearts for Valentines Day, I get to drink two bottles of terrible tasting contrast dye, have a needle shoved in my arm and get tossed through an oversized donut hole! Oh YAY! I can hardly stand the excitement. I especially can't wait for the results. The Radiologist ALWAYS finds something to watch, resulting in me panicking and a lousy, anxiety filled month afterward, until the next damn scan when I get to do it all over again. This time they want a picture of my abdomen. The Dr. says, oh, don't worry. I just want a baseline. Well Baseline my a$$!! It's a hunting expedition in which the Radiologist picks out every dust speck on the film and calls it a tumor. I hate it! Dollars to donuts they'll look at the surgical area and tell me there is evidence of recurrence. My advice to you all, do NOT ever have a cancerous tumor anywhere. The surgery is a cake walk compared to the aftercare. The only thing worse than going through cancer the first time, is going through it a second.
Pray to God for me that this time, the Radiologist report indicates nothing new, nothing changed and calls a dust speck a dust speck.

Cancer sucks!

Another Snow Day for the kiddies. Another headache for me.
So far, our big head weatherman haven't been wrong about a single snowstorm. That depresses me. Two years ago, they were wrong about every one. This year, every damn time they said we were going to have a whopper snow storm, we had a whopper snow storm. Last night, the storm started out with a lot of rain. Overnight, it turned to sleet. Then around noon, it was full fledged blowing snow. Being that it is Ash Wednesday, I found a recipe for Veggie Fajitas that I decided to make but of course I was missing the tortillas. So, at 5:30 pm, I ventured out into my driveway to drive to the store and go get some. 1 hour later, I finally managed to extricate my car. The lovely sleet that fell caused a nice thin sheet of ice underneath the snow which caused my tires to spin. Of course number one son was not at home so I went out there chipping and shoveling away and looked quite frosty by the time I got my car into the street. It was irritating. It's time to think about buying a snow blower.

Having the kids home on my work day is always a challenge. They are either fighting or begging me to let them have friends over or begging to go to a friends. Every time I looked at Kris and Em they were eating something. I had to kick them out of the kitchen numerous times. When Kris finally did get his lazy butt off the couch and went out, he fell into a puddle, got really really wet, and sloshed home. Instead of throwing his wet clothes on the line I have in the utility room, he threw them on the floor of my room so my carpet is nice and wet. DUHHHHH! Cass and her pal Caitlyn decided to make a snowman which Kris kicked over and caused me drama. Em wanted to go outside and join them so she kept walking out of the house without a coat and socks or holding the door open so I could heat the outside. She spent the afternoon crying about this thing or that thing and I gave up trying to work, left early and just decided to be irritated by the ice on my driveway instead. Happy day!
Tomorrow, I have parent teacher conferences at Cass's school. Kris has a trumpet lesson and I have tons of conference calls. Em is definitely going to daycare tomorrow.

It's Super Deee Duper Tuesday here in the great state of IL. I actually went to the Community Center and voted. No one was there other than the very bored looking election judges. I'll give anyone a hint. There was no freaking way I'd ever vote for Hillary, not even if someone put a gun to my head. No apologist for her rapist husband deserves to speak for women or anyone for that matter. She's as corrupt as they come. As for Obama, nope..not him either and yes, it's all about color. Green is not a color I usually vote for. Maybe if he actually came up with a policy and oh, I don't know, DID something instead of spew pretty words that are supposed to fool us into thinking they are "ideas", I may look at Obama in the future. For now, no way, no how. I voted for some women judges. Had no idea who they were but the screen wouldn't advance until I chose someone and who really gives a crap which delegate goes to represent the candidate I chose? I could choose two candidate delegates and whatever, I checked the top two and hope they enjoy the trip.
Moving on... I finally got my basement painted and I like the color I chose, Taupe. If Obama were more Taupe than Green... I still probably wouldn't vote for him. Once the flooring is in and the old furniture hits the curb, it should be a fine Family room. The Duet Kris and I are working on is coming along. Of course, now Kris is telling me he isn't "officially" signed up and there are only limited spots. GAH! Oh well, it got me playing again and I guess that's important. I've decided to keep my piano lessons after March 1 as I knew I would. Big Box store is still a freaking circus. Now that people have one payment towards the Christmas bills, there is new room on the ol credit card for stuff. I checked out a lot of stuff. The top selling items:
1) Slimfast
2) Bottled Water
2) Pregnancy tests...a LOT of women had a REALLY happy New Year and will have a not so happy 18 years after.

On the Friday nights I worked, men came in for condoms and tried to hide them under a pile of Chips and socks. That always amuses me :)

Emily had issues this morning. For the most part, she's been a very good girl other than a few spots here and there of minor melt downs. This morning, I wanted to get her out so I could stop at the Grocery store and go vote. Told her 100 times to get her shoes and socks on. Finally, after 15 minutes of her dinking around, I got my coat on and waited in the car. Em was screaming inside the house for me not to leave. I kept yelling, well get your coat on and your backpack and get out here. Finally, I picked her up, tossed her in the car without her coat or her backpack that I told her to get packed with her blanket and Little Mermaid notebook. She was screaming in the backseat the whole way to Grace's. She took both shoes off and threw them and when we got to Grace's, I made her walk to the front door barefoot. She was yelling at me that she was going to get frostbite. I told her to move faster then. Since she didn't like the feel of wet pavement on her feet, she decided to crawl. Great Idea! Now her hands and her jeans were wet and dirty. I cleaned her up and she finally calmed down enough to tell me she was going to be a good girl now. Grace put her in time out. We'll see how she behaves later.
(DISCLAIMER: It was not cold enough for Em to get frostbite. It was cold enough to get my point across. If it was below 0, I wouldn't have done this)

I laugh at each woman that buys a pregnancy test silently.

Kris fulfilled his contract. He brought his dismal grades up and received 5B's and an A. That is enough to keep him off grounding but not enough to be allowed to do a lot of screwing around for awhile. And of course, number one son managed to get himself kicked out of pep band on Friday night. Of course I got his version which is always, his teacher hates him and it's not his fault. I know better. I wrote his teacher and got an answer as to why my son was kicked out of Pep band, that being, not organized ie, didn't show up with his music and screwing around. Kris did manage to get a second chance from his teacher and a good talking to from me. I know exactly how organized my son is and his teacher was glad that I wrote to him about this. Kris's teachers email me. Kris knows he isn't going to get away with much.
Again, Cassie for all her little girl issues, has been easier to deal with, except for her absolute pit of a room. Since tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, she is giving up "a messy room". Right now, her new room is on hold. Over Christmas, I went into her room and was absolutely FLOORED at what I found. Each drawer was full of trash. Under her bed were dishes with old food still in them and a full glass of apple juice. I found dishes that had been missing for months, candy wrappers, used kleenex, pieces of paper, one of my credit cards, two empty containers of frosting, cheetos, M&M's, and Jimmy Hoffa. I dumped every drawer in the middle of her floor, handed her trash bags, and told her to go to it. No less than 4 trash bags full of garbage came out of her room. We'll see how she does on the Lenten promise.

I've been suffering with a case of, "there isn't much going on" so I haven't been able to come up with anything fun or interesting to write about.
I spent a few hours at Big Box Store this past weekend amazed that anyone would even bother to leave the house in below 0 weather to save a few dollars on socks but there they were, the masses. Of course they stuck me at the register by the door so I nearly froze to death. It was the usual slew of customers. One womans credit card was denied. She told me to hold onto her purchases while she went to get cash at the bank. Never saw her again and I felt bad for her especially since it was all items that people NEED, not necessarily want. One lady had attitude all over her as she threw her things onto the conveyor belt. She barely looked at me and other than yo criticize the way I bagged her soda, didn't say two words. I knew I would do something wrong. Whatever! People are just darn picky about the way things are bagged. I mean really! If all a person has to worry about is how their two liter bottle of 7-UP is bagged, they either pretty darn lucky, or pretty darn miserable. I've found after all those years in the Restaurant profession, that nothing really surprises me much anymore. There's an old man I've seen come in every Sunday. He grabs a cart. He's in the store for at least 2 hours walking the aisles and he buys absolutely nothing. I wonder if the greeting he gets when he walks in the door and the goodbye he gets when he walks out, is the only human contact he has.

Since Psychology has always interested me, I enjoy working there because it's a great human study. Everyone I had contact with has some issue they are dealing with. One woman is going through a divorce so she's been asking me about the process. One has Kidney Dialysis every other day. One, is working two jobs to support three kids. One is a cancer survivor. One has really nothing at all except her husband. She doesn't get me at all. The first thing she told me is, I should find a husband so I don't have to work anymore. I laughed. I tell ya, if I had a nickel for every time someone has said that to me, I probably wouldn't have to work. I told her that none of the men I dated and certainly not the one I actually married, solved any problems at all. They just created new ones. Usually, it's the guys that say such things. When I worked at Berghoff, I heard that same line from every waiter in the place. I kept telling them it was because I kept meeting guys like them that I was still single. No wonder they never listened to me.

Ma Bell is the same. Have some project I'm supposed to be doing and some testing of some new features on our old applications. This has resulted in at least a half day worth of meetings pretty much every day. I absolutely HATE meetings! I really try to pay attention. I'm even taking notes but after awhile I find myself wandering over to EBAY and looking at glass and coins. Picked up a nice 1935 Mercury Dime with full split bands for $14 and got outbid (fortunately) on 6 Fostoria Wisteria Parfait glasses. Tomorrow, my morning is taken up by our quarterly District meeting. Everyone asks the same questions namely, how many are getting laid off this year? How many jobs are going overseas this year? And, when will our esteemed company give us decent health insurance instead of a choice between three crappy HMO's and a high deductible plan? It's nice to know me and the rest of the cubicle brigade have the same thoughts. I figure I'll just play the game below.

How to Stay Awake in Boring Meetings!

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) the next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
Synergy, strategic fit, core competencies, best practice, bottom line, revisit, expeditious, to tell you the truth (or "the truth is), 24/7, out of the loop, benchmark, value-added, proactive, win-win, think outside the box, fast track, result-driven, knowledge base, at the end of the day, touch base, mindset, client focus(ed), paradigm, game plan, leverage.

3. Now check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
___

"Real Testimonials" from satisfied players, after the jump...

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam W., Atlanta

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David T., Orlando

"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." - Dan J., New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours. The Bullshit Bingo Championship will be played at the next meeting." - Rod H

That's all for now. Creativity is stunted and I need to get up early. Em has been having coniptions about being in her big girl bed so it's been hairy at night as I have to fight her for an hour and listen to her scream. She just has a lot of issues with transitions even when they are transitions she wants. Overall, she's been pretty well behaved the past couple weeks. A small but welcome blessing.

One of a zillion reasons why the US should not adopt a single payer system/universal healthcare system besides the unconstitutionality of the whole thing.
The Constitution mentions "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". Essentially, this is not a definition of what the Government will do for you. It expressly means, that the Government can't do anything to impede those things for you. A "socialized" plan gives the Government sovereignty over your health insurance. If you vote for this, you're voting essentially to allow the government to impose mandates like this one thus interfering with your liberty. Be careful what you wish for. We have totally glamourized the National plans of European neighbors which work GREAT for anyone with no issues with health. Once you are diagnosed with cancer, things get murky. In London, cancer patients are denied drugs such as Avastin, Taxol, and Anti-angiogenesis drugs because they are costly. I can go on and on but the article below is frightening and sickening to me. Healthcare, public or private, is not free and does not guarantee treatment.

"Certain hospitals in the UK who have imposed a ban on smokers and the obese from receiving particular treatments have been defended for their action by the Health Secretary.

Patricia Hewitt says it is a perfectly legitimate clinical decision for primary care trusts (PCT) to set a collective policy to deny operations to certain patients.

Miss Hewitt's comments were made in response to a survey which found nine PCTs refused joint replacements to obese patients and four blocked orthopaedic surgery for smokers.

The minister says hospitals are entitled to get together with their doctors on any particular area of clinical judgement and decide which guidelines are put in place, and the issue is one for doctors to decide.

The National Health Service helps smokers quit and Hewitt says if that is the doctor's advice operations should be postponed until patients have stopped smoking.

The Health Secretary's comments are opportune as they have been voiced amid growing calls for the NHS to take a tougher line on heavy smokers and the seriously overweight.

A survey last year found that two in five hospital doctors believed that smokers should pay for bypass operations.

Hospital trusts which deny surgery to obese patients include North Staffordshire, Stoke, Lincolnshire, North Linconshire, Milton Keynes, Hereford, West Hertfordshire, East and North Hertfordshire, and Suffolk.

Those denying orthopaedic surgery to smokers are North Staffordshire, Lincolnshire, North Lincolnshire and Milton Keynes." Source: http://www.liberty-page.com/issues/healthcare/ukobese.html

What a boring weekend!
Spent a few hours of it at big box store.
Discovered Yahoo Answers!

I am a Politics junkie and I like a good debate. For some reason I can no longer remember, I thought Yahoo Answers might be a good place to have an intelligent debate. It works quite simply. You find a question that another person asks and you answer it.

Here is a spattering of the kind of intelligent questions you will experience on Yahoo Answers!

"Why do the Republicans think America is so great?" I guess the Democrats think it sucks.
"Do you really think the Constitution is still good for this country of should we get rid of it? Yes, this is a college student.
"Is Barrack Obama a sleeper cell terrorist" This is too stupid to even answer.
"If we hand over Manufacturing to China, will there be a world wide Lead shortage?" This one made me laugh
"Why is Switzerlands freedom better than our freedom? Why don't terrorists bomb Europe?" Apparently, this person flunked History.

OH MY FRICKEN GOD!!

More intelligent than the questions are the answers.

"Why do the Republicans think America is so great?"
Answer: Because Bush is an idiot!

"If we hand over Manufacturing to China, will there be a world wide Lead shortage?"
Answer: Yes, because Bush is an idiot.

"Is Barrack Obama a sleeper cell terrorist"
Answer: Yes, because Bush is an idiot.

So much for intellectual political debate. In a debate about whether Government should take over healthcare, one person said yes, because Medicare sucks!
Well Einstein, lets fix government run healthcare (ie Medicare) by making everyone have government run health care (ie Medicare). The answer to my debunking to his point, "Oh yeah? Well Bush is an idiot!"
God Bless em! God bless em all! And God bless us because these people VOTE!

Another common theme, "Tax those rich bastards! Make em pay for illegal aliens healthcare and mine and EVERYONES! Down with Corporate America! Big Business Assholes should be taxed until they choke!!

I guess it's OK to pay Hollywood millions, every raping, lying, roid using athlete deserves his bucks. But the Company that brought you the Z-pac, heart valves and ultrasound machines should be taxed to death. I guess these Yahoo Answer Rocket Scientists have forgotten how many Americans Big Business EMPLOYS! And since the nameless witch who wants to be President and her dog husband, are responsible for passing the NAFTA agreement, Big Business really doesn't have to employ Americans anymore! Yup, lets tax them so they leave. Who needs em? The Government will save us!!

Teachers, I feel for you. You have to teach these people. Intelligent Democrats, have a good look at the youth in your party. They're idiots! One of your brainiac youth will never vote for Obama because Hussein is his middle name and that proves he's a terrorist Muslim Jihadist. This same person said "Hillary is at least "HONEST" LOLOLOL..OH MY GOD!! HONEST!!! Let's hand THAT young Democrat a Darwin Award.

I'm giving up Yahoo Answers while I still have hope for America!

Today I hired a teacher to help me with this music. I see her next Wednesday at noon. I don't know if I'll fanagle lessons after that or just have her teach me this piece. Kristopher is being awfully cocky about his part. He practiced for a whopping 5 minutes today and said "See mom, I know it." Provided he plays every day but he is no Louis Armstrong and he sure didn't sound good enough to win this solo contest. I was able to listen to a teeny portion of the music online (before they wanted me to give them $5.00 for the rest of the music) and I tell ya, it's not an easy piece. It'll be a little harder when we start practicing together but I'll let my 14 year old ride on the coattails thinking he knows all.

The kids went back to school today. YAY! My work day was the same just lacking the sound of my two kids screaming at eachother in the background. Emily woke up around 7:30am, went to the bathroom and was very upset that neither Kris nor Cass were in the house. Then she spent the day pestering me and poor Molly cat who is her new abusee. Molly runs and hides when she sees Em coming and I don't blame her one bit. I told Em if she whaps you with a paw, you deserved it.

It was a big day for Emily yesterday. She moved from her crib to her first "big girl" bed. About 2 weeks ago, she refused to sleep in the crib anymore and announced that she was too big. She slept with me for two weeks. Thursday, her crib was disassembled and Joe and I both commented that we still remembered setting up her little crib about 2 weeks before her due date. After the crib was gone, I spent two days cleaning the area and yesterday, we moved her temporary big girl bed into the space and set it up for her. She was so excited last night, she couldn't lie down. Finally after midnight, she fell asleep. At 3am, I woke up and she was in my bed. Go figure! Another rite of passage for my little girl. It's depressing in a way. She is the
last child I'll ever have and her rites of passage are also mine as I leave the child bearing years behind and move into whatever comes next. I guess whatever that is, is up to me.

I went and chose paint for the downstairs today. I looked through scads of paint colors to find the right one. Colors were called, Mystic, Indian sand, peanut butter, Scandinavian Sunset, Harvest Moon, Cinnamon Stick and after I searched through all those I settled on Taupe. Yup, that's what it was called "Taupe". It was in the special section for male patrons along with the neato colors "brown" "red" "blue"... ;-) The painters are coming on Wednesday. After I get the flooring in, I'll have finally finished the basement after the flood of 04. I hadn't even lived here a full year when a storm came through that knocked power out for 12 hours and then of course it rained all day with no working sump pump. It was a day that will live in infamy here in the raised ranch in HP. I got my very first taste of some of the joys of home ownership sloshing through a foot of water in the utility room trying to get the sump to work while a 2 month old Emily screamed bloody murder in her crib upstairs. Of course, I was by myself with the kids, severe weather all day. Joe was at his friend Matt's house tying one on when I interrupted in a panic and sent him to the store in the middle of the night to find something that would get the water out of my basement. My brothers room was dessimated so he wound up sleeping on an air mattress for two weeks. It just sucked. It sucked all the way around. Everytime I found some cash to fix the basement, something came and took it. I had to give $8000 to an attorney so that worthless waste of a human being that calls himself Emily's father can don my doorstep. Ouch! I would have rather had the new paint and flooring. So here I am, FINALLY 2 plus years later with some cash to finally get it back to good starting with taupe paint and hopefully ending with some new furniture.

Kris handed me some sheet music today and told me I'll be accompanying him in a solo contest at his High school. SAY WHAT??? It's been like 20 years since I played in front of anything outside a couple of cats and some dust bunnies. This makes me nervous. I have anxiety disorder and it's part of the reason I never really pursued music performance as a hobby. I'm frickin terrified of playing in public. I used to sing in Choir and that was alright. 200 other voices drowned out mine and it wasn't like I was on stage by myself belting a happy tune. When I was asked to sing at a wedding 20 years ago, I felt like I was drowning up there despite all the prep. I got through it by staring at the stained glass windows while trying hard to pretend that there weren't a few hundred people in there with me. So, I'm now deciding whether I should hire a teacher for a couple months or get a prescription for Valium. Is it too late to find a person who looks like me who can play the Piano? Any takers?

This concludes today's version of My Mundane Life. Ya'all can wake up now.

The holidays are officially over and not only because today is the Feast of the 3 Kings, but because all our Christmas decorations and accessories are now tucked back into their boxes under the stairs and the usual stains, wine, beer, salsa, cat yak and the mystery stains are scattered all over the carpet and couch cushions. It's unseasonably warm. Even all of last weeks snow is melted and now what looks like a creek is running alongside the curb. My second job at the big box retailer is less hectic. No one has any money. I've run into more declined credit cards this week than before Christmas. I seriously hate when that happens and I try not to embarrass the person. I show them the decline slip and hope and pray they have another one that will work. Scanning groceries isn't too hard. For mental excercise, I look for patterns and trends...how many people buy what, how most people pay etc. etc.
This week, Wiper blades and windshield wiper fluid are almost in every cart.
Most Hispanics pay cash and have lots of large bills 50's, 100's
Most white people pay with the credit or debit card.
30% of my customers buy food with the IL Link card. It used to be they had to separate the food from the non food. Now, the card automatically figures out what is food and what isn't.
Today was back to school shopping based on the amount of lunchables, lunch meat, juice boxes, bread and fruit snacks I sold.
The average that people spend in a trip is about 60 bux
A woman used a credit card for a 2.00 item today.

After talking with the Co-workers, there is not a single one among us who doesn't have some serious problems in their life. Whether it be health, relationships or financial, everyone there has something going on. Based on the amount of declined cards, that goes for life beyond the big box. I try to remind myself that others spend lots of time behind the facade. Yes, that person may drive a BMW but how much is really his and how much belongs to some bank? A woman made a $75 payment on a Visa today that had a balance of over $3000. I doubt it was her only card. From what my Father-in-law the accountant says, he deals with more people with six figure incomes that are closer to poor than those of us in the middle class. Apparently, 6 figure income for some means 6 figures of debt (beyond the mortgage). If they should lose that 6 figure income, their house of cards will come crashing down.

I'm not sure what my point is. I guess I compare myself to others though I really shouldn't and convince myself that others are better off. Working at the big box, I have been shown time and time again that this is not so. We're all struggling with something and if you're not at this time, don't worry, your time cometh. For now, though, my contributions to those customers lives is minimal, I try to smile at each one and thank them. For some that patronize our store, it's the only bit of kindness they see in a day. One of my customers told me, "I had you last time. I like you." I think that was nice :)
We are not alone.
We all can make a small difference.